Endings Beginnings

Man. It has been a wild one. Ya know, these last 4 years I have used this place as my aid, my ally, my weakness, my strength.

But now...One month and I will be in college.

One month and everything starts anew.

Yet with that, everything is back a bit like it started.

So much has change, and so much has stayed the same.

But you know, I'm damn excited. It is an adventure. I love ya all.

With the events of the last few days, hell, weeks, I guess everything has come to an end.

With that, this arc is over, and I am retiring this, it will sit here for people to read. But I am done with it.

Story

Okay, been bored, high on meds right now, wanna write this random scene in head, mostly dialogue, but I really ahve liked it.

To nonexistent readers, background for scene.

Maro just told Sera he couldnt be near her anymore. Usual stupid im-dangerous since he is about to make a deal with Fairy queen, putting those he knows in danger. Elena is his friend, dating Dano who has become his best friend over last few months.








Elena bursts into the room glaring at Maro, "What in the fucking hell?"

"How did you get in?" Maro questions simply, avoiding her gaze and question.

"You told Sera you guys couldnt talk anymore? what bullshit is this? I thought you two were close as hell." She exclaims (Boy do I suck at writing nowadays. )

Maro sighs, "It's more complicated...I can't....I won't hurt her and put her in danger."

"Really? that is your damn excuse. You already have hurt her, asshole, she is in tears back there!"

Maro looks up at her in confusion, "What?"

"she has feelings. Most people don't handle someone they care about just ending everything for no reason well." Elena tells him coldly.

"I..."

"You what, you didn't think? You never think except about your damn self." She yells.

this time maro turns to glare at her, "Really? You think that? I have to spend every day planning how I can manage to keep myself from getting kicked out of the council. How to protect my family. How to stop all this shit that comes my way. I am subjugated to hell for having been a carrier of Forgotten powers, for being the son of one of the biggest council traitors ever, for having to take over a whole Sector after Sosun. And I have to fight to keep that claim, which I dont want, just so I can keep my family safe and so they cant execute me because of my damn dad, who I never even knew. I may have to make a deal with someone I never wanted to see again, and call in a favor I never wanted to call in. So maybe I am being selfish."

"Maro..." Elena whispers, "You can't just push everyone away. We are all here for you. I know Dano hasnt known you long, but yo and him are best friends. And Sera...She likes you a lot too. I know we cant be like Shiro and hte others, but we care. I care."

Maro sighs, "I...I've lost so many people already. I can't handle losing anyone else," He whispers, "my family wouldnt leave if I tried. Neither would you or Dano...but Sera...I can't hurt her. It terrifies me to even consider the thought of it. And I will hurt her, I know it."

Elena sits down by him, stroking his face softly, "Maro, honey, my friend...Don't you think that it should be her decision to make? "

Maro looks down at his hands, then stands up and walks to the door, " Im sorry, I just...I need to get some fresh air. "




Maro sits on the park bench, staring into the night sky as he watches the fireflies dance under the stars, "what am I gonna do..."

then he feels a light shifting of the bench and the smell of vanilla, "Hey..." He hears Sera say as she leans against him lightly.

"It's gorgeous out tonight," Maro says to her, "Don't you think?"

With a small smile she gives an agreement, "Do you always come to this spot?"

"Yeah, it is peaceful, serene, calming, ya know. I always found this place wonderful to think, and it is something beautiful ."

"I agree," she says, then looks at him, then asks with some reservation, "What are you thinking about?"

"I...There is no way to get through to council on my own, I may have to call in a deal..." He says looking at her, then looking away, "And I ...I'm sorry, this could hurt people, and I didnt want to hurt you...I shouldnt have done what I did."

"Hey, if it hurts me, so be it, I am strong and can handle it," She tells him quietly as her hand moves over his and squeezes it, "You are my best friend, I want to be with you through this."

Maro looks at her and whispers, "You are my best friend too...but I lost Sosun, I lost Michael, Horatio, my parents...I almost lost my life, then I think about losing you and it scares me, more than anything has scared me in recent times, and I...I just don't..." He starts saying, fumbling for words, before he leans over and kisses her.

Her eyes open wide and she pushes him back, "What the hell?"

Maro starts stuttering, "I...just...I didn't know what to do...I've never done this before," He says as his face moves into his hands, "It works in the movies..."

"Well it is really damn confusing after you just said you didnt want to be friends earlier!" she exclaims blushing, "And I highly doubt you have never done this before. Everyone has told the stories."

"No, I haven't done this...tried to say how I actually cared, how I felt. Every other time I just went for...things." He says with increasing anxiety.

"Sex Maro, it is called sex. I know you have had it, I have had it, we are adults, we can say sex. " Sera says looking at him with a laugh, her cheeks still slightly red.

"Gah, stop making this more awkward!" He tells her, and starts laughing.

After a small giggle she looks at him, "So...how do you feel about me?"

He looks at her, then says, " I like you, a lot more than I have anyone else...And I don't know what I am doing on this."

She looks at him confused, "You really have never done this before have you?"

"No..." He says with slight embarrassment.

She then smiles, and leans over kissing him on the cheek, "It is kinda adorable."

He smiles back as he squeezes her hand, and she squeezes his back, "So, we are doing this? What if it ends badly?" He asks, worry creeping into his voice.

"We will figure it out when it happens, if it does," She tells him, then kisses him again, and he kisses back happily.

"Holy shit!" They hear, as they see Elena and Dano in front of them. Instantly pulling apart and moving to opposite sides of the bench, blushing and startled.

Dano looks at them, "That is definitely not 'killing each other' , I think I win that bet."

Elena elbows him roughly, "I told you guys to make up and be friends again, not make out!"

Maro and Sera look at them, "What are you two doing here?" Sera questions.

"You really bet on whether we were killing each other or not?" Maro says with a laugh to Dano, giving him a thumbs up.

"Oh yeah, to the tune of a nice Lincoln." Dano says returning the thumbs up.

Both boys find elbows digging into their sides, "We were worried so we came to check up on you, I see we shouldnt have been." Elena tells her friend.

"Yeah, it does seem that way, doesnt it?" Sera says.

Elena grabs her wrist and starts pulling her away, "We have to talk now, come on"

Sera stumbles up and follows her friend, "Uh, text me?" She says to Maro, "Wait, nevermind , I know you hate it."  she adds, then waves goodbye, saying they will talk later.

Dano looks at him, "Well, that was interesting. To say the least. Wanna go chill out, I think you need it?"

Maro looks at Dano, then stands up and stares at the stars, and starts walking to their room, "You got that right man, you got that right. I ain't sure what the hell just happened" he says with a laugh.

Then looks down at his phone, and sends a text to Sera, murming to himself, "I may hate texting, but I still wanna text you."

Idiocy

I am not quite sure how my thoughts found this good.

So you know Emily and others have and look at my reddit.

Run away from reddit, use this for personal stuff.

Knbow people may see this

Dont turn it private

Stupidly post about it on reddit

Still dont turn private

Dont delete post.

Whut.

But man, I have been thinking about so many things. I wish...I was not here. I just wanna be with like Molly. Or Alex.

I miss Alex. I cant wait to see her again. If she comes up for Ohayocon that will be the best birthday gift ever. And molly too, so amazing a gift.

Heh, you know, it is weird, thinking about it...Alex is the only one who has believed in me, been happy at the idea of me doing something, or getting somewhere, and encouraged me for things...since Emily.

Hell , I cant even do that for myself.

God. I have the best friends. I am one of the luckiest people ever.

fallbacks

Doing it again. Im trying to make something from nothing. Trying to be insulted or relieved by anything. You need this. To do what you've said. Your usual advice. Keep to it.

Stop being crazy. Calm down. Think logical. Or at least don't breakdown.

Don't keep to these old habits.

Must change...

Head is pounding...

Ow.

God. What is wrong with me.

I should talk to someone...

Im so lost. But I can't admit it...tell Molly. Tell Alex. Someone...

musings

I like these one word titles, seem cooler to me. Do they seem cooler to you reader-I-hope-doesnt-exist?

Ive been thinking about friends a lot recently, it is all very strange, this last month has turned everything around.

I dont know where I stand with Emily now.

I became best friends with Molly now.

I ended a perfectly great friendship with Rachel, whom i enjoyed a ton, out of respect for someone I think still hates me.

I finally severed ties to Tay, who was one of my closest friends for years.

And I have realized just how insanely much I care about Alex. It is scary, in a way. I really do love her. I mean, I thought leaving her would be easier...but it was impossibly hard. I was practically in tears, I didnt want to let her go, and I had become so accustomed to her in 5 days. Her being there with me was natural, normal,needed. And leaving almost brought me to tears.

Heh, then again, she was last person to bring me to tears in a good way back when she got me that birthday gift.

How do Shawn and Bunny/ Alex and Zach handle parting...Me and Alex are just friends (well, even if we act like mroe than that) and it killed me so much to leave her.

And it is so strange, here I am, visitng a girl for a few hundred dollars, someone I have met less times than fingers-on-a-hand. Someone who I trust fully, consider my best friend, and unconditionally love. Someone I didnt meet until two years later, and didnt see for another two years. Yet she is so naturally part of my life.

How the hell did all this happen?

Would it have happened if not for simple little events? What if I decided not to add her on aim, or not to join that roleplay.

All those little decisions add up.

It is amazing.

But back to musings on friends...

Alex is probably my closest. Hell, I can tell her most everything, for me that is a rare accomplishment. I have so many trust issues.

Then there is Molly, who I became way too close to so short a time, and love it. She is only other person I can tell most everything to , and a few other sexy things for her. Cause dammit molly has a fun life and gets me.

Shawn is by far the best bro I got, I cant even understand how lucky I am to have met him. I can confide, trust, and get help from him on so much. I love that guy.

Ben is still my longest and one of the best bros ever.

Cam...Im not as close to him as I would like. But I love that guy so much. He is grand.

Laura too.

Blaine and Will are two of the people I trust the most. And rest of bitchifiers...

Hess too, even if she makes me go insane.

But man, I was so certain about so many people. Now only half a dozen that live here. Hell, if even that. Jess, Shawn, ben, Jenni, laura...maybe emily ... are friends I enjoy actually seeing.

The rest live in different states or countries. Well, Zach lives in Cincy.

But man, everything is changing so fast, and i dont know how to handle it.

It is kinda scary.

God, I need to learn to drive, three months till september. I wanna visit molly and meet up with Alex so bad...

Then they will hopefully be here for ohayocon...That will be a grand birthday gift.

Man, life is turning upside down.

Temp spot to think

Man, itll be awkward if this is found. But man. I just...Stargazing, even if a bit cold out here. It is cleansing. Really utterly cleansing. Lets me think a little better.

Lets me figure out what I would say...what I want to say.





Okay, I know we arent, or at least havent been on good terms, and I don't know if I think we can ever be. Let alone if I deserve to be. But...Well, I was gonna wait a bit until I thought things were going better. But it seemed Reddit turned against me.

I have so little idea how to say this, because really, I have so little idea exactly what I want to say. It is insanely difficult, and I dont wanna mess this up.

But I have to do something, say something, right? I cant just be the same coward I have been, I am going into a new section of life. And I have to change, I use to be gung-ho for it, and I honestly want to believe I have changed, but one thing I lost is my ability to do what I need to. I never had second thoughts about saying things, but now I have become passive, fearful, overly cautious, thinking time will make it better.

But it wont. I have to take action.

And you know, honestly, it terrifies me to do that. Because this is not some stupid little thing, this is not some random vice, some activity i will regret for ten minutes and be fine, some little thrill, some purchase.

This is a friendship. Or whatever is left of one. And I suppose, deeper, for me, this is everything I have been hiding from, and every personal issue I tried to pretend does not exist.

The fact is, in these two plus years, through all my feelings about you, no matter what I thought, no matter what I wanted, no matter what I said, it has been consistent to one simple thing: I never have quit viewing you as a friend.

I know, this is silly, pathetic, and probably a bit desperate sounding. But through the years I have been trying to change myself so hard, I have been trying to get a grip, and I've lost so much of the stupid urges I have had. And the one thing that has been increasing is how much I have valued emotional attachment, and in the end I have had the same regret. Hurting you, and never truly apologizing to you.

I know I have apologized before, but how pathetic were all of them, desperate apologies in bad times , were I wanted to feel. I wanted a fairytale ending, that was horrible of me.

But I want you to know, during these years I have regretted how I acted in so many ways. And I have truly been trying to change, I really truly have. I have been trying to control that stupid lust, and I have been trying so hard to stop caring so much just about me. I've been trying to work harder at being a better person.

I guess in the end, the deranged hopes in my mind was that at the very least, even though I don't think i deserve another chance, I could maybe be someone who earned some respect.

Or even more...someone who I could respect.

And I guess that is one of the core issues that has led to my hesistancy. You scare me utterly and completely. Because you still matter to me, I still view you as a good friend, and old habit die hard, cause your opinion still matters to me (I know, you'd think I could stop caring after two years, but I never was good at giving up friends...) and that is terrifying. Especially because I still think of all the pain I have caused you, and I feel so horrible. I feel like a monster again.

And I just always want to apologize, but I never can come up with words to sufficently express how I feel, hell, even this seems pathetic to me. I dont know how to say I am sorry in a way that is not just pathetic words-in-the-wind. And I want to do this in person, but I honestly dont think i could without freaking out, becoming incoherent, or letting the emotions that have confused me for so long come out.

I mean, I was realitively sure I knew who I trusted, what I liked, what I wanted. But then at my grad party you showed up...And honestly, I couldn't have been happier. And then us hanging out at more parties, and everything just flowing smoothely, our talks, our bitching, gossiping , joking...It felt like old times. I loved every minute of it.

But I have been so scared by it. Because it gave me a small glimmer of hope. That maybe, maybe I am reedeeming myself in some way, you know? Maybe there is a chance, especially with how we can back to acting like great friends again.

Yet I stil constantly am confused, because I remember to myself every time "I hate you, and no, there is nothing you can do to make things right" and I want to tell myself that it has been over two years. We have both changed, we are in many ways whole new people, almost strangers. Yet I keep having that doubt "Maybe I havent changed, maybe I am still that terrible creature. that monster. "

And it overpowers me. Every time I want to say something, yet I cant. I just cant bring myself to say anything.

But I need to, dammit I need to. I even have Shawn and Ben both telling me I need to...

Except if I say something, it is no longer just a small dream, a hope,a lie I can live with. It becomes real. Make or break. And I dont know if I can handle that. Handle knowing that possibly everything I think is right, maybe I am a monster .

Or...Maybe somehow, maybe somehow we can try again, even if never as strong as before. That is terrifying too. Because then...Then I have no idea how to go from there. and I have no idea what to say or do. And what do you do when that stupid and vain hope you dreamt because it could never be...what do you do when that dream-that-cannot-happen happens?

Especially since every other time I have tried to rekindle, it never really happens. Sure, Clint, Scott, Corey, Bren, and a few others I talk to occasionally. But they are barely there.

And I will be at college soon, I could lie, pretend, hide away adn try to restart life away from people with new friends.

But I dont want that.

I want to say this, i want to apologize. Because dammit i cant be like rachel and never apologize, I need to admit how horrible I was.

I need to believe I really have been trying to change.

I need to convince myself somehow I have changed.

I need to tell you how utterly sorry I am for everything I did, all the abuse, the stupid cruel words because I was afraid of getting close to you, the stupid lust, the everything.

I need to thank you, thank you for being so straight with me over the years. For kicking my ass when it needed kicked. For making me realize full well how big an ass I was. For giving me so many chances I never deserved. For that time when I was depressed and you reminded me of my 'carpe diem' philosophy. And most of all...For being an amazing friend, even when I was a horrible one, and even worse of a boyfriend.

I just need to say this, yet I can only write it in this. And I am not trying to get another chance, or even try to become friends again. Because I know I dont deserve it. And I know this became too much of a self-pity excuse filled letter. But I just...I want to thank you, and to apologize. Because even if it does nothing, and this is ignored. At least I can know for myself...Know I did do it. To prove to myself, in some way I changed.

And to know I gave you what you deserved, rather than me being just another coward.

Man these dreams are becoming fucked up.

Man. It is so hilarious realizing how hypocritical I am xD I am putting pictures of me and Alex up when i diss pictures like that. Then again the most recent was Jess, and those are all creepy. Then here I am bored adn finding myself wishing Alex and Molly were available again. Barely getting to talk to them this week sucks. Then again Alex probably would talk, but she is with emily, wanna let them have their fun. And damn 11 hour time difference with Molly xD

Suddenly these blogs are getting views. Whatdafux. Dammit may need to make new one to hide from people so I dont get another Reddit incident.

Man, walking with a ghost is such a fun song.

Hrm, god, I forgot how wonderful of a feeling finishing a deck and having it work is.

God, I wish Sam and Will were around here. They are some of the best.

God, I hate texting.

Man. I should probably use this to sort out feelings better...

Or just ramble to myself. Yeah. Ramble seems better. Less risk.