Well, mother ban-hammered Gaia for weekdays. Will have to sub with you. Then post each days on Friday.
LEt me see. Not much to report.
I am awake, happy, and perfectly content. Head over heels for Laura, in an almost unhealthy way, couldn't get her out of head earlier. Oh well. I guess I don't mind, she is quite amazing. And I never saw rules against thinking of your Girlfriend.
I am seeing and thinking with an amazing clarity, I love it. I am working and keeping homework caugth up, sorta.
P.A.
Nick- he is getting livelier. Talking to Taryn more. Not much to add.
E/M- not much to add.
J/S- not much to add.
Well, very short entry. Hmm. I noticed how little talking I do when Laura is not around, I relly only converse with her, micheal, and Taryn in the halls. Oh well. I can handle her being gone only another day, not to hard really.
Lust still kinda gone. Have a few perverse ideas, and when hormones surge can think a tiny perversely, but over all, the ideas of romantic events, sap crap, and simply kissing Laura are more of turn ons.
Not overthinking things today. PRetty calm. Hmm, not much else to report. Arrividerci.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
How wierd, how wierd, just a compilation of mroe random thoughts. Less detail now.
I have decided instead of long rants to organize it into sections and such.
Loss of anger-
Hmm, strange strange. I have basically lost my hate. Or honestly as I think, more feelings died in me. Last year a good chunk died and I felt less, and it happened again, I now don't care enough to bother retaining anger or anything towards a person, something that would leave me with anger and a grudge, now at most leaves me in a musing state, thinking about it and thinking with a mroe clear head. I can still be mean though, but I am harder to anger, or not angering well. But on a big downside I feel more sad now a days, well not really, truthfully, now something that will let me down or usually hurt me, almost 100% percent barely affects me now, whereas it still usually left some mark on me. Now, I just don't care, I have basically accepted half the crap the will hit me, and expect the oppisite of what I want to happen to happen. Insults barely affected me before, and leave even less of a mark.
Oh and another positive/negative (depends on your view of it) Is I am worrying less, second guessing myself less, going more and more by my
Romance stuff-
Well, I think my relationship with Jess is good, we are at a near emotional and physical standstill, which will either go by one of two things, either her ending up dumping me, or me her etc. Or if like before we will be like this for a while then suddenly lose a bunch of inhabitations and leap foward, sorta like a growth spurt. Neither seem likely, since I more than likely won't dump her, I don't have it, I don't want to fully, and I like having a relationship and know that I more than likely couldn't find a good stable lasting one. I mean Laura if I asked her out may date me because she couldn't say no due to not wanting to hurt me, or even out of small feelings, or getting nothing bad out of it. But in the end I know she would end it after a short bit, and never be able to handle going past kissing. And the other crush I have, which I bet will dwindle from telling myself it is a crush or thinking it is to a friendship and just a science like interest in her (whenever soemthing interesting comes along like a new student or someone with radical different views, this happens a lot). And even if she liked me and would date me, I would probably not do it, she is moving at the end of the year most likely. And either ways she is head over heels for someone in Maryland.
So honestly Laura and Jess are my only stable crushes. And honestly, that is what is the most annoying part. Stability is not something I work with, stability is dul and monotounous. Also, I wonder whether getting crushes on both of them is from real feeling, one being willign to do a lot sexually, or my need for choas?
Lack of being able to find myself, not knowing who I am, indecisiveness and internal battles-
Hmm, well as usual, I still don't know who I am, and eternally wish to do away with emotions and such.
But now a days I really do realize how much a lie I live, all because I can;t tel where I stand and at different times in different situations I stand at different sides of the same ideal, or my view on it is changing between "yes" or "no" with it.
With my feelings toward people, they change rapidly. With Dating sometimes I think I shoudln't be doing it, and that at my age it will mroe than likely end, and be wasted time and money, othertimes I think as long as I enjoyed it it will be fun. I sometime want the future, I want change, other times I year for the past, not wnating change. Sometime I want complexity, confusion, other times I want smplicity. I am in an eternal internal Yin-yang battle.
And because I have nothing that I believe set in stone, and half of what I preach is basically just ideals that sound good, and half the time I feel exactly oppisite. Heh. I wish I could do away with this indecisiveness caused by wishing to find myself, or be in the middle. I wish, I wish that like I try to preach I could be everything I usually say I am, or be someone else, or just be a living robot, with nothing but logick to back me up. But realistically, It won't happen. Murphy wins again, damn you murphy, damn you and your stupid law, and damn my loss of hate preventing me from feeling rage at your law like I use to, now I can only raise a fist in mock protest.
Loss of anger-
Hmm, strange strange. I have basically lost my hate. Or honestly as I think, more feelings died in me. Last year a good chunk died and I felt less, and it happened again, I now don't care enough to bother retaining anger or anything towards a person, something that would leave me with anger and a grudge, now at most leaves me in a musing state, thinking about it and thinking with a mroe clear head. I can still be mean though, but I am harder to anger, or not angering well. But on a big downside I feel more sad now a days, well not really, truthfully, now something that will let me down or usually hurt me, almost 100% percent barely affects me now, whereas it still usually left some mark on me. Now, I just don't care, I have basically accepted half the crap the will hit me, and expect the oppisite of what I want to happen to happen. Insults barely affected me before, and leave even less of a mark.
Oh and another positive/negative (depends on your view of it) Is I am worrying less, second guessing myself less, going more and more by my
Romance stuff-
Well, I think my relationship with Jess is good, we are at a near emotional and physical standstill, which will either go by one of two things, either her ending up dumping me, or me her etc. Or if like before we will be like this for a while then suddenly lose a bunch of inhabitations and leap foward, sorta like a growth spurt. Neither seem likely, since I more than likely won't dump her, I don't have it, I don't want to fully, and I like having a relationship and know that I more than likely couldn't find a good stable lasting one. I mean Laura if I asked her out may date me because she couldn't say no due to not wanting to hurt me, or even out of small feelings, or getting nothing bad out of it. But in the end I know she would end it after a short bit, and never be able to handle going past kissing. And the other crush I have, which I bet will dwindle from telling myself it is a crush or thinking it is to a friendship and just a science like interest in her (whenever soemthing interesting comes along like a new student or someone with radical different views, this happens a lot). And even if she liked me and would date me, I would probably not do it, she is moving at the end of the year most likely. And either ways she is head over heels for someone in Maryland.
So honestly Laura and Jess are my only stable crushes. And honestly, that is what is the most annoying part. Stability is not something I work with, stability is dul and monotounous. Also, I wonder whether getting crushes on both of them is from real feeling, one being willign to do a lot sexually, or my need for choas?
Lack of being able to find myself, not knowing who I am, indecisiveness and internal battles-
Hmm, well as usual, I still don't know who I am, and eternally wish to do away with emotions and such.
But now a days I really do realize how much a lie I live, all because I can;t tel where I stand and at different times in different situations I stand at different sides of the same ideal, or my view on it is changing between "yes" or "no" with it.
With my feelings toward people, they change rapidly. With Dating sometimes I think I shoudln't be doing it, and that at my age it will mroe than likely end, and be wasted time and money, othertimes I think as long as I enjoyed it it will be fun. I sometime want the future, I want change, other times I year for the past, not wnating change. Sometime I want complexity, confusion, other times I want smplicity. I am in an eternal internal Yin-yang battle.
And because I have nothing that I believe set in stone, and half of what I preach is basically just ideals that sound good, and half the time I feel exactly oppisite. Heh. I wish I could do away with this indecisiveness caused by wishing to find myself, or be in the middle. I wish, I wish that like I try to preach I could be everything I usually say I am, or be someone else, or just be a living robot, with nothing but logick to back me up. But realistically, It won't happen. Murphy wins again, damn you murphy, damn you and your stupid law, and damn my loss of hate preventing me from feeling rage at your law like I use to, now I can only raise a fist in mock protest.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tsk tsk tsk, so little do my parents understand how to work me.
Okay, grades are slipping again, probably from laziness and parents just being asses the whole frickin time. I mean seriously, they wonder why I lie to them, it should be obvious, if they disaprove of something I do they yell at me and tell me to change, I get no say. Take me being an atheist for example, when my mom saw that on facebook she yelled at me, told me I was wrong, that I had to be a catholic, I had to believe in something unlikely, and that the world didn't just appear (yes, I managed to resist saying that is what the bible said), and now whenever we talk about religion, or the big bang, she brings up that she "Doesen't want to hear my atheist crap" with a voice of disdain when it doesen't even have anything to do with it. I mean we where talking about the Large Hadron Collider, and I was musing over all of the new discoveries it could create, and how much about our solar system we could find out if the big bang was proven, her response, "Yeh, well while you are there with your atheist stuff, just think of this, what caused the big bang?" Seriously, what the fucking hell, I don't give a damn about the religious crap, I don't believe, yet you do that all the time, thanks for making me feel good mom.
And they wonder why my grades suck, they say they can't trust me because I le about this stuff, I can't trust them because anything like that they insult. What, I can't have beliefs, and you expect me to be kind wonderous and tell you the truth? Psh. I mean seriously let us go look at when this started. And from the eye of a psychologist.
4th grade, I first start messing up on my weak point social studies, what do they do? They yell at me, tell me to brign my grade up or I will be kicked out of step, etc. Not so smart. See from that I obviously would have felt bad, especialy since then I actually didn't want bad grades, but I couldn't get my grade up, what do you do, not offer help or encouragement, but yell and threaten.
6-7. I start off well, but by the end of sixth I obviously am losing control, apathy and hormones create an ungodly bad hook into my life, more yelling. Seventh grade is primarly threats, nothing is good enough, I do good in one test after a few bad, and am ecstatic, they respond "You could have gotten a 97 instead of 91 if you studied harder""Now work on your other grade" or some other put down, and that completly makes me hate it all, and just start giving up. At the end of seventh grade I start writing.
8th: No time wasted, threats before it starts, rebelioness starts, anger and rage dominant. no encouragement. Anything I think I can't speak to them, my friends or anyone else about. This, my gaia journal, and my head become my only safe zone, chosen due to lack of audience. I simply begin trying to fail, taking a Beat way of life, trying to lower expectations to make those the expectations.
9th start: I start off wanting to do better, they ruin it and make me feel worthless from the start, want to know what is wrong and I can't tell them any of this. Hope in humanity down to 53 out of 100. Had a few mishaps in writing last year and barely write anymore. inferiority continues, becoming more of an ass every day, trying to get hurt and ruin things. Made a new friend. Still unable to truly speak to others about these without you. only given this link to about 5 people. Barely able to handle my best friends, primarily my fault. Taken a greater interest in genetic and physic sciences, psychology interest dwindling from friend issues. Realized I use to find meaning by being talked to and trusted, and being a psychologist made me feel needed when I rarely do. No longer trusted by anyone and told secrets except by group gossips, feel unneeded moreso after words, losing touch with all. Relationship with my girlfriend seems strained, relationship with laura more romantic/sexual tension due to my innate trying to sabatoge.
overall mood: Strangly, content. Thriving upon this choas.
And they wonder why my grades suck, they say they can't trust me because I le about this stuff, I can't trust them because anything like that they insult. What, I can't have beliefs, and you expect me to be kind wonderous and tell you the truth? Psh. I mean seriously let us go look at when this started. And from the eye of a psychologist.
4th grade, I first start messing up on my weak point social studies, what do they do? They yell at me, tell me to brign my grade up or I will be kicked out of step, etc. Not so smart. See from that I obviously would have felt bad, especialy since then I actually didn't want bad grades, but I couldn't get my grade up, what do you do, not offer help or encouragement, but yell and threaten.
6-7. I start off well, but by the end of sixth I obviously am losing control, apathy and hormones create an ungodly bad hook into my life, more yelling. Seventh grade is primarly threats, nothing is good enough, I do good in one test after a few bad, and am ecstatic, they respond "You could have gotten a 97 instead of 91 if you studied harder""Now work on your other grade" or some other put down, and that completly makes me hate it all, and just start giving up. At the end of seventh grade I start writing.
8th: No time wasted, threats before it starts, rebelioness starts, anger and rage dominant. no encouragement. Anything I think I can't speak to them, my friends or anyone else about. This, my gaia journal, and my head become my only safe zone, chosen due to lack of audience. I simply begin trying to fail, taking a Beat way of life, trying to lower expectations to make those the expectations.
9th start: I start off wanting to do better, they ruin it and make me feel worthless from the start, want to know what is wrong and I can't tell them any of this. Hope in humanity down to 53 out of 100. Had a few mishaps in writing last year and barely write anymore. inferiority continues, becoming more of an ass every day, trying to get hurt and ruin things. Made a new friend. Still unable to truly speak to others about these without you. only given this link to about 5 people. Barely able to handle my best friends, primarily my fault. Taken a greater interest in genetic and physic sciences, psychology interest dwindling from friend issues. Realized I use to find meaning by being talked to and trusted, and being a psychologist made me feel needed when I rarely do. No longer trusted by anyone and told secrets except by group gossips, feel unneeded moreso after words, losing touch with all. Relationship with my girlfriend seems strained, relationship with laura more romantic/sexual tension due to my innate trying to sabatoge.
overall mood: Strangly, content. Thriving upon this choas.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
My "friends" are becoming horribly annoying.
Okay so most of yesterday i was with friends; and i just could not stop thinking about how annoying they are getting. They are all horrible people now a days, hypocrits, liers, theifs, putrid annoyances that can't see past tehir own little world that we all go to for hiding. I have some of those issues, but never as badly as all of them, i mean they complain about being hit when they do it all the time, they complain about thefts when they do it all the time, they complain about some one going emo when they do it all the time, they complain about some one snappinga t them when they do it all the time, they complain about clingyness, hugs, kissing, talking to some one even once when they want to, interuppting( even if they where not talking at all but wishing to), when they do it all of the time. I swear, at least i don't do that, i don't complain about being stlen from seeing as how i have done it many times, i complain when i am stolen from adn i have never done it to them. I just try not to be hypocritical, but all of them are, and it agrivates me. Also they brag and talk big, but when it gets down to it they refuse to do something; at least i deal with it, take care of it, and if i fail at it or can't do it i openly take blame instead of using excuses.
Also parents adn teachers are bugging me completly, also stupid ideals of society. I for one am a supporter of next to everything (incest,pedophilism, homosexuality, etc.,etc.) as long as both partys are willing. But why is it we instintly dub people as "dangerous" for certain things? I mean i was online and a pedophile was pleading his case and talked about how he had fantasies of children but would never do anything to one, and everyone dubbed him "dangerous" despite teh fact that he was obviously calm and in controll, and by how they where saying it any one who had fantasies about another person must obviously be a rapist or a pedophile rapist. Also the whole "appropriateness" and "bad language" rants that are going around are annoying. I mean i don't understand why sagging is "wrong" i mena if they want to do it, let them! I mean we can go and say "GOD DAMN YOU SON OF A FUCKING ASS HOLE BITCH!!!" with no reprecussions on the streets, but in certain area's if you sag you get fined. I mean we have mroe issue with that than the death penalty.
But so much is wrong with this world and it is affecting me horribly. I mean i usually have theses insightful, emo-ish, periods like this where i tend to make good writing -sometimes- once in a while, like maybe once a month, but they are becoming more and mroe frequent and more and more hateful. But i like it strangly. Hopefully somehthing will change, and i will get over this, or this batch of feelings will stay permanant. And all of my friends i hate oh so much will be just specs of my past like everyone else i ever cared about. Hopefully.
Also parents adn teachers are bugging me completly, also stupid ideals of society. I for one am a supporter of next to everything (incest,pedophilism, homosexuality, etc.,etc.) as long as both partys are willing. But why is it we instintly dub people as "dangerous" for certain things? I mean i was online and a pedophile was pleading his case and talked about how he had fantasies of children but would never do anything to one, and everyone dubbed him "dangerous" despite teh fact that he was obviously calm and in controll, and by how they where saying it any one who had fantasies about another person must obviously be a rapist or a pedophile rapist. Also the whole "appropriateness" and "bad language" rants that are going around are annoying. I mean i don't understand why sagging is "wrong" i mena if they want to do it, let them! I mean we can go and say "GOD DAMN YOU SON OF A FUCKING ASS HOLE BITCH!!!" with no reprecussions on the streets, but in certain area's if you sag you get fined. I mean we have mroe issue with that than the death penalty.
But so much is wrong with this world and it is affecting me horribly. I mean i usually have theses insightful, emo-ish, periods like this where i tend to make good writing -sometimes- once in a while, like maybe once a month, but they are becoming more and mroe frequent and more and more hateful. But i like it strangly. Hopefully somehthing will change, and i will get over this, or this batch of feelings will stay permanant. And all of my friends i hate oh so much will be just specs of my past like everyone else i ever cared about. Hopefully.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Strange, oh so very strange.
Man i am sick of life as i know it; except not from gloomy despair, but apathy and boredom. Why can't life be mroe interesting? I am just booooooooorrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddddd, maybe since i am doing well; the lack of choas is a lack of entertainment. Bah, i am to lazy to type any mroe; i really need to be doing my work, oh well, meh, buh bye cruel world, i am off to work....not. But yaya for me, i think distancing is working, seeing as how i barely feel for my friends now, they are all just people almost to me, i guess. Maybe my solitude will end and i will feel different. Oh well i am into photography by the way now. And i really must leave. so bye.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
It is back, why can't it just stay away?
My self hatred, my inferiority, my self sabotage, my dark solemness, it is back, my demon of many traits is returning. Maybe that is because it is night, but oh i so love the night.It is when i am at the peak of my abilitys, i am calmed, i think so clearly, i can see my own feeling much better. I realize how much i love being alone, i hate how i have to deal with friends, i just wish i could have my night emotions at all times, because I think at night, and i relize that none of my friends do anything but lead to pain. It is retarded that i stay with them, Because every time it comes down to it, when we walk to go somewhere, i am always behind adn alone, in the halls, anywhere, they are in groups of two and three joking around, i am way back behind them all, alone. And the thing is, i am glad. I love the solidtude, it allows me to think oh so clearly. However, maybe that is why i hate the solitude, i don't want to think like this, i want to be with them, i want to be needed.
Not that it matters, i barely care for any of them. Jessica, I may be going out with her partially due to lust, partially due to the fact she is willing, and maybe because i like her more than other people i know. Yeh right, who am i kidding i probaly don't, the closest to having any real feelings towards any of them are probaly towards laura, i mean i just don't get angered by her or anything, but maybe that is because in the end, i know she sees the truer me, and that i realize, is the one thing in the world i try to hide.
After all of this though, i become scared, because I am scared i feel like that, i almost start to fear death, but i still want to leave behind this world, after all it is not like i feel anymore. Or anything goes right.
Ya know, i want to meet whoever came up with murphy's law, and smack him, just because he had to make something that so accuratly summed up my god damned fucking life. Yeh, nothing in my life is really any good to me. Clint, pshaw, he is the reason i feel so inferior and useless to everyone, hell they all care about him and express it, me, no one needs me or cares if i where to die. Laura, who gives, even if i do like her, it won't matter because i know she would never reciprocate my feelings. Maria, hell no, she could be something good, except she is a horrible hypocrit who whenever she tried to make me feel better would just get yelled at by me because she pushed it to much and brought back these feelings when they where gone, now she has grown to resent me for it, good, another person to hate me. Jessica, who knows, not like we will get anywhere or really go that far, i would dump her but i have no reason to hurt her, i will just wait untill she gets a brain and dumps me.
Also, i have another good ol' thing i was utterly sure about but still hate due to my nature to second guess and regret everything i do. That wonderful thing is aethiesm, since i can't go a damned day without being made fun of or bothered because of it. Woo boy.
Although i might feel better if i had someone i truly trusted, if i could actually open up to other people, instead of talking to you while nearly in tears from being alive and being so close to going and getting pills to kil myself with, all while hoping someone may read this, and something will change and life will be good. Except it won't, it never does, this is not some book, i stoppped reading because i stopped wanting a fantasy to escape reality with. It won't happen, why put my hopes up just to have them destroyed. I mean that is why i have my ego and hopes, i love to build them up when i know something will go wrong, and i know it is going to crumble down to lead me to feeling this wonderful melancholy again, i love trapping myself in this vicious cycle. And the beuatiful thing is, no one will save me, this i know, and i am glad. I don't need anyone, and they don't need me. It is simple as that.
Let everything i have ever planned go awry, let friends start to hate me, let my life turn to crap, let everyone mutiny against me in all that i try to lead(even if i hate being the head of anything, quite stupid.) let my life crumble. It just leads me closer until one day i feel so stupid that i kill myself and rid myself of this futile stipid life.
I am glad to be feeling with next to no feelings. I take everything to heart and get hurt so easily, however i don't show the inferiority complex i spawn from it, however it shows in my dwindle of interests; everyone says my handwriting sucks, i agree and try to act egotisical over something and i try to write with pens and pencil as little as possible; I become an alt at the writing competion, i barely write due to that, even though i know, i believe, i am a good writer; I think i do good and understand something in school, i fail horribly in sixth grade academics for my standards, i stop trying while still trying ot act egotisical; But who cares, surely none of the zero people reading this. Oh well, no one cares, not even I so i guess i shall sleep now, wooh fricken who, maybe if i am luckey i will pass away tonight, or keep my apathy towards life throught tommorow instead of letting hormones, lack of sleep, anger and other things infect me to become energetic and to have sunlight emotions.
Not that it matters, i barely care for any of them. Jessica, I may be going out with her partially due to lust, partially due to the fact she is willing, and maybe because i like her more than other people i know. Yeh right, who am i kidding i probaly don't, the closest to having any real feelings towards any of them are probaly towards laura, i mean i just don't get angered by her or anything, but maybe that is because in the end, i know she sees the truer me, and that i realize, is the one thing in the world i try to hide.
After all of this though, i become scared, because I am scared i feel like that, i almost start to fear death, but i still want to leave behind this world, after all it is not like i feel anymore. Or anything goes right.
Ya know, i want to meet whoever came up with murphy's law, and smack him, just because he had to make something that so accuratly summed up my god damned fucking life. Yeh, nothing in my life is really any good to me. Clint, pshaw, he is the reason i feel so inferior and useless to everyone, hell they all care about him and express it, me, no one needs me or cares if i where to die. Laura, who gives, even if i do like her, it won't matter because i know she would never reciprocate my feelings. Maria, hell no, she could be something good, except she is a horrible hypocrit who whenever she tried to make me feel better would just get yelled at by me because she pushed it to much and brought back these feelings when they where gone, now she has grown to resent me for it, good, another person to hate me. Jessica, who knows, not like we will get anywhere or really go that far, i would dump her but i have no reason to hurt her, i will just wait untill she gets a brain and dumps me.
Also, i have another good ol' thing i was utterly sure about but still hate due to my nature to second guess and regret everything i do. That wonderful thing is aethiesm, since i can't go a damned day without being made fun of or bothered because of it. Woo boy.
Although i might feel better if i had someone i truly trusted, if i could actually open up to other people, instead of talking to you while nearly in tears from being alive and being so close to going and getting pills to kil myself with, all while hoping someone may read this, and something will change and life will be good. Except it won't, it never does, this is not some book, i stoppped reading because i stopped wanting a fantasy to escape reality with. It won't happen, why put my hopes up just to have them destroyed. I mean that is why i have my ego and hopes, i love to build them up when i know something will go wrong, and i know it is going to crumble down to lead me to feeling this wonderful melancholy again, i love trapping myself in this vicious cycle. And the beuatiful thing is, no one will save me, this i know, and i am glad. I don't need anyone, and they don't need me. It is simple as that.
Let everything i have ever planned go awry, let friends start to hate me, let my life turn to crap, let everyone mutiny against me in all that i try to lead(even if i hate being the head of anything, quite stupid.) let my life crumble. It just leads me closer until one day i feel so stupid that i kill myself and rid myself of this futile stipid life.
I am glad to be feeling with next to no feelings. I take everything to heart and get hurt so easily, however i don't show the inferiority complex i spawn from it, however it shows in my dwindle of interests; everyone says my handwriting sucks, i agree and try to act egotisical over something and i try to write with pens and pencil as little as possible; I become an alt at the writing competion, i barely write due to that, even though i know, i believe, i am a good writer; I think i do good and understand something in school, i fail horribly in sixth grade academics for my standards, i stop trying while still trying ot act egotisical; But who cares, surely none of the zero people reading this. Oh well, no one cares, not even I so i guess i shall sleep now, wooh fricken who, maybe if i am luckey i will pass away tonight, or keep my apathy towards life throught tommorow instead of letting hormones, lack of sleep, anger and other things infect me to become energetic and to have sunlight emotions.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Random rant, yeh i am bored.
Wow, it is so strange, how i am changing i mean. I have a girlfriend, jessica, which since there are probaly only about two ghost readers out there probaly already know that. I am actually acting more mature daily than immature, now i know i am mature naturally, but i let my immature fake side take over all the time because it is so much more fun than matureness. I really find it strange, I also have stopped inhaling candy and now am trying to barely eat it, meh who cares though. I just am changing, yet i can't tell why. It is not annoying me though,l as it normally would should i change like this, i am just, acepting it. Oh well, i shall end this now, since i must go and leave for lunch, which now that i remembered, iw ill add that I can now access my blog at school, huzzah for the new era of blog spamming and hatred towards all!
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