You know the drill...

Damnit, deleted again, have to retype, again.

I wonder, do people change a ton in relationships because of the relationship, or do I just instill something in them? I mean, I wrote in Laura’s agenda today, “Laura loves Brandon, wants in his pants, etc.” and she did not deny it all. And she has called me Sexy. She thinks I am attractive. She adores kissing me, and likes making out, and told me she wants to go as far as hands under clothes. She also said she would want to wrestle. I don’t know if all this is true but I will assume it is since she has no reason to lie to me. And this whole this is strange since she was barely willing to do kissing a few weeks ago. Now I have no doubt that if we were alone she would happily spend thirty minutes holding my hand resting her head on my shoulder, and doing nothing else whatsoever. She would happily make out with me, kiss me, and such stuff like that. And half of the things she says she would do she detested no more than a month-and-a-half ago. Now she seems to have a romantic-perversion, not that I am complaining, it is a welcomed thing. And honestly, now, I really don't doubt that by this time next year, if not earlier, we could be in love, and not just deep infatuation. I hope for this, even if I slightly fear this, and sometimes wonder whether or not I don't love her already. Probably not, it is not realistic. But I am falling more and more for her.

Jess had the same thing happen, everything she said would take me like five years to get to, I got in about two months. She grew attached and perverse. Now was it because of me, or because of being in a romance? Or just because she liked the feelings it gave? Maybe i will ask one. Probably not. But hmm, would Jess do the stuff she did with me with another guy in the same amount of time, or would it take longer?

And Laura has let Lust to add itself to Emotions and Logics epic battle. Now because of how far she said she would go Lust keeps whispering to take advantage of it, that we are still going slow, she is the one setting the pace, and that it still works with my current thoughts and is out of purely romantic want. Logic luckily interupts telling me that it is not pure romantic want, that I need to keep it slow, and that I should wait. Although I will probably do a bit of both, and If we are alone and it seems like she is willing slowly approach it, probably during a make-out (which i can keep as a romantic urge, not a sexual one)and see how she acts, and if she seems fine and says so, to just slowly do it, let her grow use to it. And try it, not instantly shove my hand up her shirt to grab her breast or what not. And if she isn't ready or isn't able to keep willing to it and falls short on what she says (which happens quite often) then abort. Or if my body trys to become to lustual abort it.

And let me see, I really need to do more than talk about her, god, hopefully this whole over-excited period dulls down so she doesen't invade all my thoughts all the time, so I don't yearn for her kiss all the time,don't wish to be alone with her every moment I can. Hopefully I can keep the giddy satisfaction while dulling the clingy urge to always talk, which is happening I believe, since I managed to go the morning without caring to much she was not there. I wonder how much of these kinds of thougths she shares though, heh, I wonder how much she thinks of me and such, maybe one day I will ask. I might, since these kinds of things we are open about.

And no school on friday. Hopefully I can have a sleepover with Scott this week, seems like no. Sadly. And maybe some day I can go to the greene with friends, or at least hang out with Laura sometime this week.

And should do homework, I will make sure I get it done soon, so that I can keep grades up and hang out with Laura more. And other friends. Heh, Lady luck, you have been pretty nice recently, help me out this week? Give me some luck, give me those good equations, give me some time with Laura, scott, you know, that stuff, I mean honestly, you do sorta owe me, the whole time with Wakely and such, you seriously do owe me from that whole shitfest.

P.A.-

Laura Sooy- A new common customer, yup yup. I caught her glancing at me, and she smiled in my direction (although it could have been at teachers and Blake since they where that way) but then caught my eye, held a smile, as did I, for a few moments, then quickly glanced diagnolly averting her gaze, semi embaressed, I do think she would rekindle our friendship. Her dad does say she speaks highly of me, and if she did, we could hang out a bit since we live next door. And I would not mind having another friend I could trust...


E/M- God, these two are quite close. They know how each other thinks, and when I saw them Kiss this morning, in an lmost movie like fashion time seemed to slow and they seemed to be the only ones there, and I could have easily seen Morgan wrap her arms around his neck, and them both kiss more passionatly. They are natural and fluid together. I hope my relationship will be like theirs. Natural, serene, peaceful, interesting.

Well, that is really all I got, pretty much, so yeh... if anyone wants to comment, feel free to, It lets me see something someone thinks, and lets me know somehow someone reads this...since...well...the fucking view counter counts no one....Gaia will be shanked one day...

Nothing much.

Well, trying to get bck into gaming and books, going semi well...

Bored....

Have a nagging feeling that laura is mad at me, but bet it is Maria issues hitting her...

Nothing else really. Fail journal is fail...

Titles take to much work.

Well, Laura is back, we are still close, spend half a period papaer-talking, in 1337, and hugged, adn kissed before I went to the bus, and all is good. And since all of you (well the ones I imagine) love my P.A. segment and always want more here it is, for I have a speecial Guest!

P.A.-

The Chipmunk! HORRID ASSASSIN!- Oh yeh, I spent four minutes or so watching a chipmunk. He pushed a nut into a hole, knocked it out, got it, and then ran back up the wall, pushing it out again. Or maybe he tried pulling it in and messed up. I guess I will never know.

Laura Sooy- It was quite humerous, Blake offered to take her to the library, and when he asked her to come, she said no, then when my name was mentioned she became confused nad looked towards me, seeming to want to come, and not. Could she want to try and regain old bonds? Or have a nostalgic want?

Nick- Officially dating Taryn, I think, who knows. Still improving.

Everyone else- MEH!

Peace, harmony, and kind of boreded from it.

Yup yup yup. Peace in the world, all is well. And it is kind of boring, XD, but I plan on getting myself back into a reading and video game persona like I use to do. I will return to the good parts of my past, while embracing the good changes I have made.

And Maria's friendship will soon be destroyed by Clint and Laura. I shall be her friend since it will be more of a hassle to end it. And she does few wrongs to me. Although I am going to speak to her when I get free time, she told Blake last week that me and Laura where going to have sex, and you don't make those jokes, ever.


Me and Laura are doing great, we have been talking a lot, adn are growing closer, I can't verify it, but I have a feeling we are. And I kind of find it funny, I can't see the future or think far with it, at all. I guess I just find life to unpredictable and don't want to bother thinking a year ahead for something that I can't really do anythng about until the week of.

And me and my little voice are in agreement, that with Laura, slow and steady will win the race and keep us together. And that I need to be moderate with her, I should not go after make outs all the time, and should not care how much of anything I get. Give her space, and keep idiocy adn obsessiveness out of it, even if she drives logic way out of my mind. But I know how we both work, I can make this work. Although at times I am going to need to make sure we both have spines, and do differently than what she says, and look at how she acts.

Hmm, what else, she is coming back to school tommorow, we may hang out again on friday. Which is fun, and I cna handle doing, since we actually hang out, talk, and such and out of like, six hours, we only spent thirty minutes at most making out, so, a tenth of it? And when we weren't(even though I alluded to it a lot) I was fine with not making out. Or anything like that. Which is more than ever happened with Jess. I enjoy just talking to her. Haha, god, she controls my mind way to much, this is basically shrines to her, or worries. I guess it makes sense, romance is the central idea and working of every story, and what is life but a story and a game?

Can't wait until tommorow, I want to work more on the Shiro Vs. Suki battle on word, it is going well in my head.

P.A.

Nick- He seems more joyous, and just more, happy, it is not noticable, but he just holds himself in greater position and is tlaking and making "jokes" in his own way, mainly with Taryn.

Everyone else- hey, you can't expect this to be common, I barely see these guys. So blah! Will add when I get more info.

Log crap, blah blah blah. You know the Sit'.

Hahaha, you will have to sub for the week days.

Well, mother ban-hammered Gaia for weekdays. Will have to sub with you. Then post each days on Friday.

LEt me see. Not much to report.

I am awake, happy, and perfectly content. Head over heels for Laura, in an almost unhealthy way, couldn't get her out of head earlier. Oh well. I guess I don't mind, she is quite amazing. And I never saw rules against thinking of your Girlfriend.

I am seeing and thinking with an amazing clarity, I love it. I am working and keeping homework caugth up, sorta.

P.A.

Nick- he is getting livelier. Talking to Taryn more. Not much to add.

E/M- not much to add.

J/S- not much to add.



Well, very short entry. Hmm. I noticed how little talking I do when Laura is not around, I relly only converse with her, micheal, and Taryn in the halls. Oh well. I can handle her being gone only another day, not to hard really.

Lust still kinda gone. Have a few perverse ideas, and when hormones surge can think a tiny perversely, but over all, the ideas of romantic events, sap crap, and simply kissing Laura are more of turn ons.

Not overthinking things today. PRetty calm. Hmm, not much else to report. Arrividerci.

How wierd, how wierd, just a compilation of mroe random thoughts. Less detail now.

I have decided instead of long rants to organize it into sections and such.

Loss of anger-

Hmm, strange strange. I have basically lost my hate. Or honestly as I think, more feelings died in me. Last year a good chunk died and I felt less, and it happened again, I now don't care enough to bother retaining anger or anything towards a person, something that would leave me with anger and a grudge, now at most leaves me in a musing state, thinking about it and thinking with a mroe clear head. I can still be mean though, but I am harder to anger, or not angering well. But on a big downside I feel more sad now a days, well not really, truthfully, now something that will let me down or usually hurt me, almost 100% percent barely affects me now, whereas it still usually left some mark on me. Now, I just don't care, I have basically accepted half the crap the will hit me, and expect the oppisite of what I want to happen to happen. Insults barely affected me before, and leave even less of a mark.

Oh and another positive/negative (depends on your view of it) Is I am worrying less, second guessing myself less, going more and more by my

Romance stuff-

Well, I think my relationship with Jess is good, we are at a near emotional and physical standstill, which will either go by one of two things, either her ending up dumping me, or me her etc. Or if like before we will be like this for a while then suddenly lose a bunch of inhabitations and leap foward, sorta like a growth spurt. Neither seem likely, since I more than likely won't dump her, I don't have it, I don't want to fully, and I like having a relationship and know that I more than likely couldn't find a good stable lasting one. I mean Laura if I asked her out may date me because she couldn't say no due to not wanting to hurt me, or even out of small feelings, or getting nothing bad out of it. But in the end I know she would end it after a short bit, and never be able to handle going past kissing. And the other crush I have, which I bet will dwindle from telling myself it is a crush or thinking it is to a friendship and just a science like interest in her (whenever soemthing interesting comes along like a new student or someone with radical different views, this happens a lot). And even if she liked me and would date me, I would probably not do it, she is moving at the end of the year most likely. And either ways she is head over heels for someone in Maryland.

So honestly Laura and Jess are my only stable crushes. And honestly, that is what is the most annoying part. Stability is not something I work with, stability is dul and monotounous. Also, I wonder whether getting crushes on both of them is from real feeling, one being willign to do a lot sexually, or my need for choas?

Lack of being able to find myself, not knowing who I am, indecisiveness and internal battles-

Hmm, well as usual, I still don't know who I am, and eternally wish to do away with emotions and such.

But now a days I really do realize how much a lie I live, all because I can;t tel where I stand and at different times in different situations I stand at different sides of the same ideal, or my view on it is changing between "yes" or "no" with it.

With my feelings toward people, they change rapidly. With Dating sometimes I think I shoudln't be doing it, and that at my age it will mroe than likely end, and be wasted time and money, othertimes I think as long as I enjoyed it it will be fun. I sometime want the future, I want change, other times I year for the past, not wnating change. Sometime I want complexity, confusion, other times I want smplicity. I am in an eternal internal Yin-yang battle.

And because I have nothing that I believe set in stone, and half of what I preach is basically just ideals that sound good, and half the time I feel exactly oppisite. Heh. I wish I could do away with this indecisiveness caused by wishing to find myself, or be in the middle. I wish, I wish that like I try to preach I could be everything I usually say I am, or be someone else, or just be a living robot, with nothing but logick to back me up. But realistically, It won't happen. Murphy wins again, damn you murphy, damn you and your stupid law, and damn my loss of hate preventing me from feeling rage at your law like I use to, now I can only raise a fist in mock protest.

Tsk tsk tsk, so little do my parents understand how to work me.

Okay, grades are slipping again, probably from laziness and parents just being asses the whole frickin time. I mean seriously, they wonder why I lie to them, it should be obvious, if they disaprove of something I do they yell at me and tell me to change, I get no say. Take me being an atheist for example, when my mom saw that on facebook she yelled at me, told me I was wrong, that I had to be a catholic, I had to believe in something unlikely, and that the world didn't just appear (yes, I managed to resist saying that is what the bible said), and now whenever we talk about religion, or the big bang, she brings up that she "Doesen't want to hear my atheist crap" with a voice of disdain when it doesen't even have anything to do with it. I mean we where talking about the Large Hadron Collider, and I was musing over all of the new discoveries it could create, and how much about our solar system we could find out if the big bang was proven, her response, "Yeh, well while you are there with your atheist stuff, just think of this, what caused the big bang?" Seriously, what the fucking hell, I don't give a damn about the religious crap, I don't believe, yet you do that all the time, thanks for making me feel good mom.

And they wonder why my grades suck, they say they can't trust me because I le about this stuff, I can't trust them because anything like that they insult. What, I can't have beliefs, and you expect me to be kind wonderous and tell you the truth? Psh. I mean seriously let us go look at when this started. And from the eye of a psychologist.

4th grade, I first start messing up on my weak point social studies, what do they do? They yell at me, tell me to brign my grade up or I will be kicked out of step, etc. Not so smart. See from that I obviously would have felt bad, especialy since then I actually didn't want bad grades, but I couldn't get my grade up, what do you do, not offer help or encouragement, but yell and threaten.

6-7. I start off well, but by the end of sixth I obviously am losing control, apathy and hormones create an ungodly bad hook into my life, more yelling. Seventh grade is primarly threats, nothing is good enough, I do good in one test after a few bad, and am ecstatic, they respond "You could have gotten a 97 instead of 91 if you studied harder""Now work on your other grade" or some other put down, and that completly makes me hate it all, and just start giving up. At the end of seventh grade I start writing.

8th: No time wasted, threats before it starts, rebelioness starts, anger and rage dominant. no encouragement. Anything I think I can't speak to them, my friends or anyone else about. This, my gaia journal, and my head become my only safe zone, chosen due to lack of audience. I simply begin trying to fail, taking a Beat way of life, trying to lower expectations to make those the expectations.

9th start: I start off wanting to do better, they ruin it and make me feel worthless from the start, want to know what is wrong and I can't tell them any of this. Hope in humanity down to 53 out of 100. Had a few mishaps in writing last year and barely write anymore. inferiority continues, becoming more of an ass every day, trying to get hurt and ruin things. Made a new friend. Still unable to truly speak to others about these without you. only given this link to about 5 people. Barely able to handle my best friends, primarily my fault. Taken a greater interest in genetic and physic sciences, psychology interest dwindling from friend issues. Realized I use to find meaning by being talked to and trusted, and being a psychologist made me feel needed when I rarely do. No longer trusted by anyone and told secrets except by group gossips, feel unneeded moreso after words, losing touch with all. Relationship with my girlfriend seems strained, relationship with laura more romantic/sexual tension due to my innate trying to sabatoge.

overall mood: Strangly, content. Thriving upon this choas.