Ugh, i feel really bad.

My body feel likes shit. My mind went worse from a nap. I hate that i was dumped. I hate that is was because i made one stupid mistake and was confused. Especially since the one thing i never mentioned was during that time i felt the same for scott as i did for Emily.... I hate that this happens to me. I know i am not the only victim, and i am not special or anything. But damnit why is it that everything ends when i feel like it is perffect... Scrrew this world. Hopefully it turns out good somehow. Or this love for Laura fades....I hope i get over it all. I hope this world ends and i fade away....

And i want too apologize, then ask her to try once more, know if she really does not care at all... I want to take the risk, and let it go through, tell her i am sorry, and that if she likes me at all to try once more. But screw it, JD is right, but i don't have the guts. To hell with life. I will breate and regain sanity. Maybe play hooky tommorow...

Oh and i love the irony. I was working on discipline mostly for Laura. Then i got dumped xD Oh well. I will work for myself. Cause i barely feel for any of my friends now. I feel detached, but i am happy again. So, Ho world, Ho.

Witht he change in weather i get a whole change in life, guess i ot to roll with the punches.

Well, today sucked, yet i am oddly happy. I hate what happened, but i am happy. Time to post the journal. After i type it. But a forewarning to all. I am thinking i am gonna make my journal private from now on, then after a week or so unprivate one. So others can see.

9:33

Okay, i need to write, if i want to retain sanity and joy. I need to convey thoughts...

Everything seems to be going wrong again. Stress is overtaking me. And this discipline I am trying to install in myself sucks.

I should explain, as i said i have kleptomaniacy, and many other issues. So instead of being a hypocrite and giving advice i don't fgollow i am trying to change. On those tasks like my brace, teeth, rubber bands, and other such things. I am making sure i do. Well, V1 is, he is now a discipline remindeer. And doing a good job. I am also stopping on bother and following laura, basing decisions on other friends too (need to work on this), i am not going to steal anymore, and try not to be as sarcastic and snide.

I will admit, despite what i say, and how i try to act like a superman in these kinds of things, it is not easy. But this is my challenge, screw ADHD, and such, I'm gonna do homework, and become better at life. and I will do it alone, I would love help, b ut it adds pressure and stress, and from that it all causes more harm than good.

And it seems that Scotty and Tay's relationships are going to hell too. Scott has anger, greed, and other issues. Taylor, not sure, too determined for a kiss i hear. At least everyone tells him his relationship issues. nd Scott knows his. ... Better than me. I know nothing. Lucky bastards xD

But Laura has started to go back to anti-everything. I am probably wrong, it is just normality and seems wrong cause we left perfection. But no date this weekend... I need one this month, I hope, some kissing, being told she cares, pure feelings, no thought. It always helps. But i am fine. I won't let V2 place seeds of doubt, i won't let her and MAria planning things in front of me harm me like usual, i won't let sadism and depression take over, i will keep joyous and fine.

I will look on the bright side, I can do yugioh or pokemon this weekend, see Emily or michelle.

But if i remember discipline, train patience, life will work. This helped though. Thank you, good bye.

end 10:25.

Cont. 12:00

And it happened. I got dumped. She says cause i tlaked about liking emilt where friends could see, and she does not like me.

And my feelings are conflicted. I knew it was coming. And i feel horrible. U hate her for bullshitting me, and always saying "i lvoe you". I hate that she askes to break up, not just say so. I hate that all the issues could have been solved with talking. I hate being depressed.

I love her for at least telling me. I am acceptant and content( Yes, content and depressed....What part of conflicting was missed?) I feel love romantically, yet i don't. I am fine as long as we are friends. I wonder if she will ask me out again or not.

Oh well. I feel crappy, yet good. I think emotions are dieing. Again. Heh, told one thing once again, and then lied to with it. In a few hours everything will register, and i will break down. Or something. I will probably zombie about this week. But i am disciplining myself, it was my idiocy that screwed me up. I had no control. That probably contributed. She probably hate me for being physical, i know this, yet i continued. Oh well. I always say i need a hit to realize how bad at something i am. This is it.

Ha. About 13 months i was in relationships. Unlucky thirteen. H,,. I should feel awful, but i will feel good and make myself fine. Le sigh. To hell with the world, to hell with life, i will be joyous, even through strife.

end 12: 18

Cont. 12: 39

I suppose i should tell the story.

So i was eating nachos and she came in, asked if i wanted a pop, so i left my nachos and free cookie (Cause they did not have bosco sticks, i got a free cookies...but the events made my hunger go...i wish i ate that cookie....Damnit.) I knew right there that i was being dumped. That is how she does things. So i asked her what was up, stating she only came to get a pop when she wanted something. She told me she wanted to break up. I asked why and she said "Well, not jealousy, but you talking baout liking another girl where all our friends can see is embaressing" or something to that stature. I offered to take it down, she said no. Then i asked the final question, she said "No, i don't." And then i said fine. (you can guess the question, if you can't...you fail)

Figures, I open up, i get betyrated, Raj, Clint, everyone has left. I thought this would be different. Wrong again.

I liker her still. I wish she was jealous, at least then i would know she cared. And i doubt she will ask out again, like before.

But i complained, I biteched, and essentially asked for this all last month.

And i am torn between anger, sadness, guilt, self-blame, blaming-others. Ugh. I hate myself. If i could feel correctly right now i would off myself. But for now, yay, depression. Fucking life.

ended 12:48
cont. 1:18

I have gone sane. Perfectly sane. I know we are both at fault. And feel fine. If she would ask me out again, i could say yes. If we just stayed friends, fine. I still feel for her, but that can fade if i want it to.

I also realize i must beat this vague perversion coming ot my mind all the time. This unconquerable lust must be conquered. I will break free from its control.

But now I wonder how life will go. Though i still wish all my troubles where not founded on the single fact that no one will just talk and say what is wrong, i iwll deal. I will go home to nape, feel better, and all will be good.

My body still feels horrid. But i am calm. In control. Whatever happens I will feel fine. I just have to stop wishing for dreams that won't happen. As say "'tis better to have loved and lost. than never loved at all." and as JD said, we must take risks, they reward us in the end, and not taking risks never rewards us, taking risks usually pays off.

end 1:29.

Cont. 2:37

Well, I left school early, and i sit here with the puppies, all alone, enjoying life. I feel happy, the weather is good, and i feel fiiiiiiiiiine. Note i don't enjoy being dumped, but i can't change that, and i will remmber the good times. But the weather is changing, i will change with it. I am disciplining myself. I cna change. And i am doing well. I have the world under my hand, and i have friends to help me through. To all i know, whatever i have done, all the strife i put you through, the guilt and blame, i apologize, and if i start being an idiot, or pushing it to far, tell me and i will quit. And this is my last journal to be open (most likely), potentially my last journal for a while. So long!

Haha, lazy blog day.

Lets see, quick recap of the weekend.

Saturday adn friday nothing memorable.

Sunday was suppose to be a date, then Laura's bro had to come, so we had Whit and Emilt join us, all in all we got cheesecaek adn stuff, and it was fun.

Lets see, today i slept in, and that is about it. Went to ortho. Not much else happened.

And hrm. Adding to the list of issues i know i need to fix is my lack of slef control,, and thinking before i act. By self control i mean my kleptomaniacy, and well, thinking before i act ties in with that, and speaking, and other stuff. So yeh, lazy blog day today.

oh noez. I has been banhammered.

Haha, my parents found facebook. Then my mom went and got overly pissed (pent up anger i am guessing) and deleted it (which is understandable) then tried to kill aim, blocked gaia, took PSP, laptop (which can only do word), and other such things.

Then my dad pissed me off truly and we had this convo

"And agnostic atheist."
"what?"
"That is what is on your profile"
"It is what i believe..."
"Believe what you want but i rather it be unsaid than written"
"Why?"
"Because you should have enough common sense not to"

Hahaha. Thanks. With how you said it your essentially seemed to make Atheism out to be Nazism-esque. Oh and lacking common sense. Your right dad. Thinking there is some random thing in the sky controlling all is real, and saying Santa, Easter bunny, Dragons, and mythics are impossible under one common philosophy makes a whole ton of sense. And believing none of that stuff exists, but admitting it is possible makes no common sense....Thanks, i will keep that in mind while you slowly drive me into a depression. Thanks a fucking lot.

But after that I slept. And i have felt good...And i noticed today inhibitors have left me to a degree. Usually i am trying to be abit quiet and reserved, avoid attention, and stuff that i think makes me look like an idiot. But today in parks he was tlaking about bad handwriting and I started making a show, pointing towards myself (normally i would try to shrug off sam pointing at me and get irked). Then acting as if i won something when i was number 1. and yesterday i acted like a fool in english.

And me and laura have just been messing around, hanging out, and talking. Actually, i have been doing this with all my friends today. Actually, even with people i barely know i have been talking more and more. I mean i have talked to and gabbed with a few random people.

And in english with the sub i forced mike to swtich seats with me for the laughs.

And i am going on a date with Laura. So that is good.

And i found facebook can be re-activated, wii and friends houses mean playing on it, yay.

And i have become Scotty and Shelby's relationship ocunselor xD

And I realized i passed shelby like 20 times today xD

So yeh...wee.

Anne rice, you think of me as a vampire.

It is almost strange how much I relate to the Vampires of Anne Rice's novels. They are detached from the world, barely caring, only affected by a few things. Pale (haha, inside joke), They are intelligent, and many times they have no idea about what they believe about anything at all. And they don't register things as quickly since time is irrelevant to them.

Honestly I am getting a bit worried again, I am just detached on some things. Stuff is just not sinking in, I mean, Me nad Laura have been dating almost a month or two, and I am head first in Like for her, but being Called her boyfriend or her my Girlfriend, it just doesn't register to me and sound strange.

And honestly, nowadays, I can't do opinions at all, I barely can look at something that logic can easily apply to, and blow logic to the wind and just randomly say, 'for no good reason I think this or like this." I always have to logically look at it. Although, nowadays Emotionally I am looking at things. But I can't do opinions. I have no feelings about Right, Wrong, Good, Bad, and so on, It is all Cost-Benefit, even with human nature, I can look at the whole of it and find logical reasons why someone would do this, and find the next event in the set relatively well. That is why I can tell so much about people by studying them.

But so many things, I just can't comprehend them, or empathize with them, Religion I understand, but can't relate to well. Death, the past, Politics especially (really it is almost all biases and opinions), Abortion issues, all that stuff.

And here is the scary thing, the things that I have mentioned before, most of the time, most of life, I just can't care or feel, it makes me feel so, inhuman.

And my overblown obsession with Laura is cooling down, so I can clear my head and think logically when concerning her.

And my story, it is becoming more and more prominent in my mind, I need to write it.

And I think I have found out a semi-logical why I can't enjoy games and such (besides I rather be online and talk to people), new things aren't interesting me since I can't associate with them, get surprised by them, or reminisce with them. I have a good skill at remembering past feeling when engaging in an event from the past, so say i hate something now but use to enjoy it I can remember the joy, so when I was playing things like Paper Mario I was able to connect to my childhood, Brawl to melee, and so on.

Honestly, I am need to get my mom tp let me join Academic club. There I can go and be with people for one reason, without differences ruining my thoughts. Without me being an oddity making me feel horrid. And I feel, well, alive at those kinds of things. And because, honestly, despite what I say, when I am insulted, made fun of, or emotionally hit hard, I take it hard, and to prevent the pain I am easily swayed, changed and I go with the flow and conform a bit, or kill off feelings.

well, Anne, you are a great writer, and your stories seem to be for me.

God, so little to report.

Nothing, basically god damn nothing has happened. I am good with everyone, doing casual flirting with laura, adn could describe it, but I will spare you guys that. I am doing ogod with school, and have no issues or anything. Need to fix laziness is about it. I have everything goign well. So today is a dull day. And I was sick previous two days. So yeh, nothing.

Continueing previous post.

Okay, I suppose since I spent three minutes to recount something that has yet to come out of my mind today, I should make a post about my Date, so hopefully it will leave my head, and give me some moments of quiet. Doubt it will, but it will help.

Let me see, we got to the theater early, and decided to see eagle eye, since it was a shitty, near empty, long movie. Yeh, we had the thing planned mainly for making out. WE are like horny bastards or what not.

Well, we start out watching the stupid previews, making ufn of it, laughing and what not, share a few simple pecks, and a few make-outs. Simple fun.

Then we see two people in the row in front of us, and almost innatly I knew it was Scotty on a date with his new girl, and his face was priceless when he realized we where there. Fun, but we gave him peace and moved to the edge of the theater. Top row.

So we sit, and start making out, and honestly I can't remember anything in detail, save for a few things and moments.

I remember just holding her, staying like that for a little bit. I remember he softly kissing and nibbling my neck when I had kissed hers. I remember kissing hte oppisite side of her neck, and feeling and hearing her ragged breathing. I remember feeling her breast, and taking one(or a few) small peeks at it. I remember kissing her with no toungue, our mouths just fighting as we quickly kissed. I remember when we went and start becoming ferocious and ravenous in our making-out, me sucking her tongue and breathe, her exploring my mouth. I remember us kissing all along each other. I remember our calm serene making out. Our hands always on the move, touching and feeling everywhere. Then, my favorite, when we between us forgot about everything but each other, we where kissing long, hard, fast, slow, easy, we pulled each other in, and we never wanted to let go, we where pushing up against each other, pulling back for small breathes, and kissing again, as her chest and mine pushed against each other and i pulled her in along her waist, my hand sketching random figure on her warm back underneath her shirt, her pulling me by my neck, it was endless and amazing. I also recall the many times kissing and nibbling her neck, and nibbling nad pulling on her bottom lip. I remember thinking to much, wonder why it all was so amazing, and how the feelings made no sense, then losing thought as I just made-out with her ravenously and our hands, mouths, everything where flyig about and we where lost in romance and lust, only to gain and lose thought again. I see her wanting my kisses, and trying for them all the time. I loved it all. I remember our warmth being shared, and at the beginning the taste of ice cream in her mouth. I remember all the compliments and words shared, as we hten went back to kissing. And holding her hand the whole time, every moment I could, both of them.

And I remember her first "I love you" I hear it being played in my head, the sound falling off of my lips. I picture when we pulled away slightly, and in a scarce whisper, one that no one else was supposed to hear, not sure if I was even supposed to hear it, but we pulled away, she slightly looked at me, and quietly just said "I love you" in a voice that seemed so true, and sure, and I think it was meant to truly be love, and not like. Then we kissed again, and pulled away and I said the same to her, and we got lost in kissing again.

Then we left the movies, and held hands as we went to get cheesecake, exchanging many simple kisses. And then she had to leave, and we had two hugs, where she held me and hugged hard, and i did the same, and we exchanged two kisses. And through it all I could tell neither of us wanted to end the day, if we could we would love to go back to the movies, and sit there for hours.

God, it was all amazing.

I hope we can go and do something like this again saturday or around then.

And for today, today was calm and easy. WEnt to the Orthodontist, and got Neku colors for braces. That is about it.