I finally have figured out what this strange feeling of content is, and now i believe i know. Pure apathy. I realize i no longer care one shit about people. My hatred of the world has become complete. I have no urge to talk to friends, since they are to me just people, i really don't care to much. And i no longer find anyone attractive, romantically or sexually. I find that i am alone, and love this feeling. I can only even find a small glimpse of friendliness and openness to Bren, Scott, Mike, and Tay, and that is only cause i have known all of them upwards of three years or so. But even then the only one am easily goofing around with and feeling like a person is Bren....Guess i am closer to him than i realized before.
And i am getting closer to Tay, since we both got dumped nad had our phones taken away this week. Oh well. Irony is a bitch.
Meh. I still feel a bit angered at how shitfilled this month became when it was to be my good month. It sucks. But this aloneness, this solitude....it brings me contentness.
I hope no one breaks me out of it. I do so love it.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Well, back to normalacy.
Ha, i feel great. Dissidia be my shining savior. I have Gotten back to where i was. Zidane is almost perfect. And I am actually getting really good at it.
I am no longer depressed about being dumped. Miffed maybe...wow, i need to be hit for using that *Shot* DAMNIT V2 I WAS KIDDING >.<. I have feelings, but am going to not act on them. Noooooow, i can't gaurentee i won't do usual perverse innuendo, or such like that, but hey, that is me. And i will probably compliment, but i do that with all friends. Oh well. I still need to let feelings go, and give up on the dream that we will reconcile, and get back together better than ever like last time. But that will dissapear in time.
And all with everyone seems well. Joking around and messing around with everyone. Fun fun.
Uhm. Uhm. I am almost caught up in school. And i have nothing else to add....except yay being bored and free to do damn well anything for an hour.
Oh and for some reason Masturbation broked for me. It just does not feel as good or happen when it should. That fails.
Oh and On dissidia I have almost mastered an infinite with Zidane. Yay!
I am no longer depressed about being dumped. Miffed maybe...wow, i need to be hit for using that *Shot* DAMNIT V2 I WAS KIDDING >.<. I have feelings, but am going to not act on them. Noooooow, i can't gaurentee i won't do usual perverse innuendo, or such like that, but hey, that is me. And i will probably compliment, but i do that with all friends. Oh well. I still need to let feelings go, and give up on the dream that we will reconcile, and get back together better than ever like last time. But that will dissapear in time.
And all with everyone seems well. Joking around and messing around with everyone. Fun fun.
Uhm. Uhm. I am almost caught up in school. And i have nothing else to add....except yay being bored and free to do damn well anything for an hour.
Oh and for some reason Masturbation broked for me. It just does not feel as good or happen when it should. That fails.
Oh and On dissidia I have almost mastered an infinite with Zidane. Yay!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
God, i am going insane.
Ha, i have been falling in and out of sanity. But i know now that i have no feelings romantically for either Scott or Emily (I wish i did, but they are siblings. Well, actually, i dun want romantic feelings for scott >.<), I love Laura, but i might as well kill those feelings. Dissidia is my stress relief. I need to regain control and stop snapping at the few I will talk to. My trust is gone, and i fear it may stay that way for a bit. This place, Scott, and Bren are the only ones i really trust (Longest known friends). Ah. God, tons of math to do. I will get that done tonight. Oh well. To hell with life. I will make it mine, if i go angered and depressed again i will hit myself out of it.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Ugh, i feel really bad.
My body feel likes shit. My mind went worse from a nap. I hate that i was dumped. I hate that is was because i made one stupid mistake and was confused. Especially since the one thing i never mentioned was during that time i felt the same for scott as i did for Emily.... I hate that this happens to me. I know i am not the only victim, and i am not special or anything. But damnit why is it that everything ends when i feel like it is perffect... Scrrew this world. Hopefully it turns out good somehow. Or this love for Laura fades....I hope i get over it all. I hope this world ends and i fade away....
And i want too apologize, then ask her to try once more, know if she really does not care at all... I want to take the risk, and let it go through, tell her i am sorry, and that if she likes me at all to try once more. But screw it, JD is right, but i don't have the guts. To hell with life. I will breate and regain sanity. Maybe play hooky tommorow...
Oh and i love the irony. I was working on discipline mostly for Laura. Then i got dumped xD Oh well. I will work for myself. Cause i barely feel for any of my friends now. I feel detached, but i am happy again. So, Ho world, Ho.
And i want too apologize, then ask her to try once more, know if she really does not care at all... I want to take the risk, and let it go through, tell her i am sorry, and that if she likes me at all to try once more. But screw it, JD is right, but i don't have the guts. To hell with life. I will breate and regain sanity. Maybe play hooky tommorow...
Oh and i love the irony. I was working on discipline mostly for Laura. Then i got dumped xD Oh well. I will work for myself. Cause i barely feel for any of my friends now. I feel detached, but i am happy again. So, Ho world, Ho.
Witht he change in weather i get a whole change in life, guess i ot to roll with the punches.
Well, today sucked, yet i am oddly happy. I hate what happened, but i am happy. Time to post the journal. After i type it. But a forewarning to all. I am thinking i am gonna make my journal private from now on, then after a week or so unprivate one. So others can see.
9:33
Okay, i need to write, if i want to retain sanity and joy. I need to convey thoughts...
Everything seems to be going wrong again. Stress is overtaking me. And this discipline I am trying to install in myself sucks.
I should explain, as i said i have kleptomaniacy, and many other issues. So instead of being a hypocrite and giving advice i don't fgollow i am trying to change. On those tasks like my brace, teeth, rubber bands, and other such things. I am making sure i do. Well, V1 is, he is now a discipline remindeer. And doing a good job. I am also stopping on bother and following laura, basing decisions on other friends too (need to work on this), i am not going to steal anymore, and try not to be as sarcastic and snide.
I will admit, despite what i say, and how i try to act like a superman in these kinds of things, it is not easy. But this is my challenge, screw ADHD, and such, I'm gonna do homework, and become better at life. and I will do it alone, I would love help, b ut it adds pressure and stress, and from that it all causes more harm than good.
And it seems that Scotty and Tay's relationships are going to hell too. Scott has anger, greed, and other issues. Taylor, not sure, too determined for a kiss i hear. At least everyone tells him his relationship issues. nd Scott knows his. ... Better than me. I know nothing. Lucky bastards xD
But Laura has started to go back to anti-everything. I am probably wrong, it is just normality and seems wrong cause we left perfection. But no date this weekend... I need one this month, I hope, some kissing, being told she cares, pure feelings, no thought. It always helps. But i am fine. I won't let V2 place seeds of doubt, i won't let her and MAria planning things in front of me harm me like usual, i won't let sadism and depression take over, i will keep joyous and fine.
I will look on the bright side, I can do yugioh or pokemon this weekend, see Emily or michelle.
But if i remember discipline, train patience, life will work. This helped though. Thank you, good bye.
end 10:25.
Cont. 12:00
And it happened. I got dumped. She says cause i tlaked about liking emilt where friends could see, and she does not like me.
And my feelings are conflicted. I knew it was coming. And i feel horrible. U hate her for bullshitting me, and always saying "i lvoe you". I hate that she askes to break up, not just say so. I hate that all the issues could have been solved with talking. I hate being depressed.
I love her for at least telling me. I am acceptant and content( Yes, content and depressed....What part of conflicting was missed?) I feel love romantically, yet i don't. I am fine as long as we are friends. I wonder if she will ask me out again or not.
Oh well. I feel crappy, yet good. I think emotions are dieing. Again. Heh, told one thing once again, and then lied to with it. In a few hours everything will register, and i will break down. Or something. I will probably zombie about this week. But i am disciplining myself, it was my idiocy that screwed me up. I had no control. That probably contributed. She probably hate me for being physical, i know this, yet i continued. Oh well. I always say i need a hit to realize how bad at something i am. This is it.
Ha. About 13 months i was in relationships. Unlucky thirteen. H,,. I should feel awful, but i will feel good and make myself fine. Le sigh. To hell with the world, to hell with life, i will be joyous, even through strife.
end 12: 18
Cont. 12: 39
I suppose i should tell the story.
So i was eating nachos and she came in, asked if i wanted a pop, so i left my nachos and free cookie (Cause they did not have bosco sticks, i got a free cookies...but the events made my hunger go...i wish i ate that cookie....Damnit.) I knew right there that i was being dumped. That is how she does things. So i asked her what was up, stating she only came to get a pop when she wanted something. She told me she wanted to break up. I asked why and she said "Well, not jealousy, but you talking baout liking another girl where all our friends can see is embaressing" or something to that stature. I offered to take it down, she said no. Then i asked the final question, she said "No, i don't." And then i said fine. (you can guess the question, if you can't...you fail)
Figures, I open up, i get betyrated, Raj, Clint, everyone has left. I thought this would be different. Wrong again.
I liker her still. I wish she was jealous, at least then i would know she cared. And i doubt she will ask out again, like before.
But i complained, I biteched, and essentially asked for this all last month.
And i am torn between anger, sadness, guilt, self-blame, blaming-others. Ugh. I hate myself. If i could feel correctly right now i would off myself. But for now, yay, depression. Fucking life.
ended 12:48
cont. 1:18
I have gone sane. Perfectly sane. I know we are both at fault. And feel fine. If she would ask me out again, i could say yes. If we just stayed friends, fine. I still feel for her, but that can fade if i want it to.
I also realize i must beat this vague perversion coming ot my mind all the time. This unconquerable lust must be conquered. I will break free from its control.
But now I wonder how life will go. Though i still wish all my troubles where not founded on the single fact that no one will just talk and say what is wrong, i iwll deal. I will go home to nape, feel better, and all will be good.
My body still feels horrid. But i am calm. In control. Whatever happens I will feel fine. I just have to stop wishing for dreams that won't happen. As say "'tis better to have loved and lost. than never loved at all." and as JD said, we must take risks, they reward us in the end, and not taking risks never rewards us, taking risks usually pays off.
end 1:29.
Cont. 2:37
Well, I left school early, and i sit here with the puppies, all alone, enjoying life. I feel happy, the weather is good, and i feel fiiiiiiiiiine. Note i don't enjoy being dumped, but i can't change that, and i will remmber the good times. But the weather is changing, i will change with it. I am disciplining myself. I cna change. And i am doing well. I have the world under my hand, and i have friends to help me through. To all i know, whatever i have done, all the strife i put you through, the guilt and blame, i apologize, and if i start being an idiot, or pushing it to far, tell me and i will quit. And this is my last journal to be open (most likely), potentially my last journal for a while. So long!
9:33
Okay, i need to write, if i want to retain sanity and joy. I need to convey thoughts...
Everything seems to be going wrong again. Stress is overtaking me. And this discipline I am trying to install in myself sucks.
I should explain, as i said i have kleptomaniacy, and many other issues. So instead of being a hypocrite and giving advice i don't fgollow i am trying to change. On those tasks like my brace, teeth, rubber bands, and other such things. I am making sure i do. Well, V1 is, he is now a discipline remindeer. And doing a good job. I am also stopping on bother and following laura, basing decisions on other friends too (need to work on this), i am not going to steal anymore, and try not to be as sarcastic and snide.
I will admit, despite what i say, and how i try to act like a superman in these kinds of things, it is not easy. But this is my challenge, screw ADHD, and such, I'm gonna do homework, and become better at life. and I will do it alone, I would love help, b ut it adds pressure and stress, and from that it all causes more harm than good.
And it seems that Scotty and Tay's relationships are going to hell too. Scott has anger, greed, and other issues. Taylor, not sure, too determined for a kiss i hear. At least everyone tells him his relationship issues. nd Scott knows his. ... Better than me. I know nothing. Lucky bastards xD
But Laura has started to go back to anti-everything. I am probably wrong, it is just normality and seems wrong cause we left perfection. But no date this weekend... I need one this month, I hope, some kissing, being told she cares, pure feelings, no thought. It always helps. But i am fine. I won't let V2 place seeds of doubt, i won't let her and MAria planning things in front of me harm me like usual, i won't let sadism and depression take over, i will keep joyous and fine.
I will look on the bright side, I can do yugioh or pokemon this weekend, see Emily or michelle.
But if i remember discipline, train patience, life will work. This helped though. Thank you, good bye.
end 10:25.
Cont. 12:00
And it happened. I got dumped. She says cause i tlaked about liking emilt where friends could see, and she does not like me.
And my feelings are conflicted. I knew it was coming. And i feel horrible. U hate her for bullshitting me, and always saying "i lvoe you". I hate that she askes to break up, not just say so. I hate that all the issues could have been solved with talking. I hate being depressed.
I love her for at least telling me. I am acceptant and content( Yes, content and depressed....What part of conflicting was missed?) I feel love romantically, yet i don't. I am fine as long as we are friends. I wonder if she will ask me out again or not.
Oh well. I feel crappy, yet good. I think emotions are dieing. Again. Heh, told one thing once again, and then lied to with it. In a few hours everything will register, and i will break down. Or something. I will probably zombie about this week. But i am disciplining myself, it was my idiocy that screwed me up. I had no control. That probably contributed. She probably hate me for being physical, i know this, yet i continued. Oh well. I always say i need a hit to realize how bad at something i am. This is it.
Ha. About 13 months i was in relationships. Unlucky thirteen. H,,. I should feel awful, but i will feel good and make myself fine. Le sigh. To hell with the world, to hell with life, i will be joyous, even through strife.
end 12: 18
Cont. 12: 39
I suppose i should tell the story.
So i was eating nachos and she came in, asked if i wanted a pop, so i left my nachos and free cookie (Cause they did not have bosco sticks, i got a free cookies...but the events made my hunger go...i wish i ate that cookie....Damnit.) I knew right there that i was being dumped. That is how she does things. So i asked her what was up, stating she only came to get a pop when she wanted something. She told me she wanted to break up. I asked why and she said "Well, not jealousy, but you talking baout liking another girl where all our friends can see is embaressing" or something to that stature. I offered to take it down, she said no. Then i asked the final question, she said "No, i don't." And then i said fine. (you can guess the question, if you can't...you fail)
Figures, I open up, i get betyrated, Raj, Clint, everyone has left. I thought this would be different. Wrong again.
I liker her still. I wish she was jealous, at least then i would know she cared. And i doubt she will ask out again, like before.
But i complained, I biteched, and essentially asked for this all last month.
And i am torn between anger, sadness, guilt, self-blame, blaming-others. Ugh. I hate myself. If i could feel correctly right now i would off myself. But for now, yay, depression. Fucking life.
ended 12:48
cont. 1:18
I have gone sane. Perfectly sane. I know we are both at fault. And feel fine. If she would ask me out again, i could say yes. If we just stayed friends, fine. I still feel for her, but that can fade if i want it to.
I also realize i must beat this vague perversion coming ot my mind all the time. This unconquerable lust must be conquered. I will break free from its control.
But now I wonder how life will go. Though i still wish all my troubles where not founded on the single fact that no one will just talk and say what is wrong, i iwll deal. I will go home to nape, feel better, and all will be good.
My body still feels horrid. But i am calm. In control. Whatever happens I will feel fine. I just have to stop wishing for dreams that won't happen. As say "'tis better to have loved and lost. than never loved at all." and as JD said, we must take risks, they reward us in the end, and not taking risks never rewards us, taking risks usually pays off.
end 1:29.
Cont. 2:37
Well, I left school early, and i sit here with the puppies, all alone, enjoying life. I feel happy, the weather is good, and i feel fiiiiiiiiiine. Note i don't enjoy being dumped, but i can't change that, and i will remmber the good times. But the weather is changing, i will change with it. I am disciplining myself. I cna change. And i am doing well. I have the world under my hand, and i have friends to help me through. To all i know, whatever i have done, all the strife i put you through, the guilt and blame, i apologize, and if i start being an idiot, or pushing it to far, tell me and i will quit. And this is my last journal to be open (most likely), potentially my last journal for a while. So long!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Haha, lazy blog day.
Lets see, quick recap of the weekend.
Saturday adn friday nothing memorable.
Sunday was suppose to be a date, then Laura's bro had to come, so we had Whit and Emilt join us, all in all we got cheesecaek adn stuff, and it was fun.
Lets see, today i slept in, and that is about it. Went to ortho. Not much else happened.
And hrm. Adding to the list of issues i know i need to fix is my lack of slef control,, and thinking before i act. By self control i mean my kleptomaniacy, and well, thinking before i act ties in with that, and speaking, and other stuff. So yeh, lazy blog day today.
Saturday adn friday nothing memorable.
Sunday was suppose to be a date, then Laura's bro had to come, so we had Whit and Emilt join us, all in all we got cheesecaek adn stuff, and it was fun.
Lets see, today i slept in, and that is about it. Went to ortho. Not much else happened.
And hrm. Adding to the list of issues i know i need to fix is my lack of slef control,, and thinking before i act. By self control i mean my kleptomaniacy, and well, thinking before i act ties in with that, and speaking, and other stuff. So yeh, lazy blog day today.
Friday, March 6, 2009
oh noez. I has been banhammered.
Haha, my parents found facebook. Then my mom went and got overly pissed (pent up anger i am guessing) and deleted it (which is understandable) then tried to kill aim, blocked gaia, took PSP, laptop (which can only do word), and other such things.
Then my dad pissed me off truly and we had this convo
"And agnostic atheist."
"what?"
"That is what is on your profile"
"It is what i believe..."
"Believe what you want but i rather it be unsaid than written"
"Why?"
"Because you should have enough common sense not to"
Hahaha. Thanks. With how you said it your essentially seemed to make Atheism out to be Nazism-esque. Oh and lacking common sense. Your right dad. Thinking there is some random thing in the sky controlling all is real, and saying Santa, Easter bunny, Dragons, and mythics are impossible under one common philosophy makes a whole ton of sense. And believing none of that stuff exists, but admitting it is possible makes no common sense....Thanks, i will keep that in mind while you slowly drive me into a depression. Thanks a fucking lot.
But after that I slept. And i have felt good...And i noticed today inhibitors have left me to a degree. Usually i am trying to be abit quiet and reserved, avoid attention, and stuff that i think makes me look like an idiot. But today in parks he was tlaking about bad handwriting and I started making a show, pointing towards myself (normally i would try to shrug off sam pointing at me and get irked). Then acting as if i won something when i was number 1. and yesterday i acted like a fool in english.
And me and laura have just been messing around, hanging out, and talking. Actually, i have been doing this with all my friends today. Actually, even with people i barely know i have been talking more and more. I mean i have talked to and gabbed with a few random people.
And in english with the sub i forced mike to swtich seats with me for the laughs.
And i am going on a date with Laura. So that is good.
And i found facebook can be re-activated, wii and friends houses mean playing on it, yay.
And i have become Scotty and Shelby's relationship ocunselor xD
And I realized i passed shelby like 20 times today xD
So yeh...wee.
Then my dad pissed me off truly and we had this convo
"And agnostic atheist."
"what?"
"That is what is on your profile"
"It is what i believe..."
"Believe what you want but i rather it be unsaid than written"
"Why?"
"Because you should have enough common sense not to"
Hahaha. Thanks. With how you said it your essentially seemed to make Atheism out to be Nazism-esque. Oh and lacking common sense. Your right dad. Thinking there is some random thing in the sky controlling all is real, and saying Santa, Easter bunny, Dragons, and mythics are impossible under one common philosophy makes a whole ton of sense. And believing none of that stuff exists, but admitting it is possible makes no common sense....Thanks, i will keep that in mind while you slowly drive me into a depression. Thanks a fucking lot.
But after that I slept. And i have felt good...And i noticed today inhibitors have left me to a degree. Usually i am trying to be abit quiet and reserved, avoid attention, and stuff that i think makes me look like an idiot. But today in parks he was tlaking about bad handwriting and I started making a show, pointing towards myself (normally i would try to shrug off sam pointing at me and get irked). Then acting as if i won something when i was number 1. and yesterday i acted like a fool in english.
And me and laura have just been messing around, hanging out, and talking. Actually, i have been doing this with all my friends today. Actually, even with people i barely know i have been talking more and more. I mean i have talked to and gabbed with a few random people.
And in english with the sub i forced mike to swtich seats with me for the laughs.
And i am going on a date with Laura. So that is good.
And i found facebook can be re-activated, wii and friends houses mean playing on it, yay.
And i have become Scotty and Shelby's relationship ocunselor xD
And I realized i passed shelby like 20 times today xD
So yeh...wee.
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