Shit shit shit. Im looking back again, dwelling, regretting. Stop. Dammit.

No! I had a great day with shawn, we adventured and convertted Laura to the Gl.

Then...man. I had the time were I realized how amazing Ben was. He held back his feelings because of me. He wingmanned for me. And the only thing on his mind foremost was being a good friend. God. It was like Taylor and Emily. Except instead of feeling pissed and betrayed, I felt honored, trusted, kinship, friendship, like I had a bro that actually would be there...so I told him to ask her out. Hell. Even if she didn't realize it, for her she kept sticking herself out there...I had to tell him to. What kind of friend would I be to prevent it because of my feelings when he did so much for me?

And I felt happy. Free. Good.

And then I started letting go. Attempting to reach out to people in small ways...

So why am I looking back and torturing myself. Dammit Kasha why end up getting me to do this....

I wont falter...

Im working so much harder...need to do so much better...I wont falter dammit I wont

Well that was one of the hardest things I ever did

Ah man. That was fun

ts odd. Today I have spent it thinking. And eating. God so much eating.

And I don't got one damn idea what im doing.

Or why I feel what I feel. I should be upset over shit? Right? Em and Tags one year is coming up (Congrats you two, even if you don't read this and hate me), the 13 months since our break up (pathetic I can't forget the exact dates, but they were an exact month apart) , I am definitely losing the girl( and it seems like she is falling for friend) , I seem to be ruining one of the few friendships I still had and liked ( what else is new), and im going down a constant hole of repetitive feelings with no logical basis.

But right now? I feel...great. oddly happy. Usual eye before storm were I shrug shit off? I don't know. But right now...I just want to enjoy myself. Do nothing. Get my liscense, just goof around.

And I still want to thrill seek. Just make out with a stranger, or hell maybe more. I wanna try pot, alchohal I wanna go and fight. I wanna take up fencing, try kayaking, swim in the wild, start weight lifting. Who knows! God. I want to live!


But am I just hiding? Will, or more accuretly, when, will I feel different.

I mean. Even now I get a flash of jealousy. But I am ignoring it...am I over it or is a prelude to hell?

And ya know. I am drifting between time. Falling back in love. With old series. Falling for manga and missing Clint. Wanting to revive the circle I started...despite knowing im the most unwelcome and unneeded one. Then looking to the future and present. Wanting random things, wanting what I have to stay what I will have.


What the hell am I doing? God. I have no idea.

I hope its good weather again. So I can sit in woods and meditate.

Then realize I am an ass.

You know,, did you ever just consider half of this is rebelling.. . No not against your old life. You are reveling against Emily. You want to forget her and. Get past her. But you can't. So you lash out. Pain you never have truly confronted eats at you, so you tried to destroy any connection to things that you connect to her...

Which is harder when you let her into every facet of your life.

So now...you still can't pick up the pieces. Cause you are halfway in a forest with no idea whether to turn back PR forward.

And that seems to be about right...I thought I. Was. Gonna delete this place...guess that didn't happen

What to say to the truth...honestly. I have no damn idea. Frankly. You pegged it all and were right. And ya know. I don't know how to feel or what to say.

Bleh. So odd...at the moment why am I not devolving into my usual pattern...pretty true on how damn predictable I am. Hell I hate myself for it all the time which is part of said pattern.

Hmmm...but something is clicking today where I started driving fucking brilliantly...no fear...

How am I supposed to fear.

Funny. You keep a handleful close, then get upset when any number don't pay you attention (or whoever I crush on or am currently getting close to) after you did them, and generalize and hurt everyone...

You really do take everything for granted.

And man. She is right. Contradictions out the ass. What is worse is how little you get on how you feel. Or why you address this to yourself in second person.

But how do you feel about Emily? Love? Hate? Who the fuck knows. You switch between the two. And can't ever decide.

Then you just use everyone... funny you were used when you were proving your worst and most idiotic.


Man. Why do you feel so...odd now. Not happy. Not upset...weird. usually you'd be repulsed at yourself. It is there a bit... but man.

You are distancing yourself still. But funny. The few people that would help the most and you honestly still trust you either distance in a fear of how you might feel for them, or that they may actually still make you feel, hell, make you think, may help you.

Right now its so objective. Maybe cause im tired....or expected this.

Not even too excited bout Butcher coming back...wonder how that'll get to me later. Same thing as your first date with Emily...

Finefinefuckedupfangasmfine?

And now I am really tired. Actually I have been all day. Maybe being woken up early gives me driving skills.

Tonight's dreams will be interesting...

Subconscious will probably guilt trip me. And fuck almost fell asleep. Night

Im sick of this. Really. I am sick of bothering with trying to convince myself and others I am hateful and spiteful easily. I can't okay?

I just can't get to hating people. I still fucking like Emily. I can't fucking bring myself to hate her. God dammit. I am sick of pretending the other doesn't exist. I hate the ill will. I am sick of all this. I am fucking weak. I can't hate her though. Not fully...

I also like Rachel, im sick of trying to be spiteful or mad. I can't handle it. I am sick of wasting time on hate....I just wanna move on...

I don't want to be considered a horrid person...I need to work on it...but come on...I don't even insult Taylor's manhood anymore...im trying to be a better person....I really am...God help me...I am. I swear...


And I need to admit it. I am afraid. Im afraid that all my friends I am close to will fade. I've had best friends online and real life that its faded with before...

And God. I don't want that with Laura. And others. Especiadlly Will"), Keenon, Alejandra, Zach, and Bryan...God I don't know when it happened but they mean a ton to me. The are some of my closest friends. I need this to last..

Will...God. I wont lie. He is easily my best friend. We understand each other and are alike and get what we mean even with our many issues of being sympathetic and such. And I trust him insane amount...I hope it stays. I don't wanna lose it like with Bren. Will is like a brother. He really is one of the best friends I've made in a while.

And I swear to God don't any of you fucking get Moody or bitchy like has happened before. I can talk good about someone without it meaning something bad about others.

Im afraid to trust. Im trying to keep open with others but its hard...

Im so sick of the hate...I don't want to keep this image I have...but im trying so hard to seperate myself from the past and make a new image I am hurting other things...

Dammit I will break through this.

But lets face it. Even with any amount of success and romance and friendship you truly want will never be able to be obtained. Dammit.

You are trying to change and better yourself for a girl who hates you, a girl who wont fall for you, friends you haven't met, and a world you fear. Ain't that the start of a bad sitcom?

And you know...I want a long distance relationship. How ticked up is that. I want to be able to keep physical out of it. I want to have to cherish any time together and never take it for granted....

Man things have changed....

Hmm. Im crying again...you know. Its funny. Multiple people have talked to me while I was obviously upset and I don't think any single one bothered asking what was wrong....kinda depressing...

I must not do that to friends...if I can console I need to try...even if they seem to only be upset from minecraft.

And woah. I can see the amount of views of my blog and each post? Did not know this. 3 average. Very surprising. Kinda wonder who...think will was the third...

guess you never forget...

Really. The only good dream has to be an utter nightmare cause it proves you wrong. God dammit. You try so hard to distance yourself from the past....try so hard to say you don't care. And your first good dream is simply you are friends with Emily and others again...guess you are pretty bad at that hatefullness...

Man. Its sad how almost desperate I feel for romance.....I don't even want lust...almost trying to go after anyone.

And truth or dare has gotten so boring. We did worse in 8th grade. God I miss Clint being there for that

But man. This is awful...it was a life were I was happy...dammit...