DAmmit dammit dammit dammit.

Almost. Something good almost happens. But Sarahs parents say no. God damn. She will be right around here. I really wanted to meet her. Dammit.

And I still am forcing myself to feel more than I should.

Fuck all of this. Dammit.

Mopey mope mope. Moper mcmoping. Im mopey. Mopey poetry.

I dont like these feelings. I like being single. dammit. Life was so much easier not caring about people, and just wanting sex. I barely even have a sex drive now. so fucked up. Dammit all. And everyone I need to talk to is vacationing or something. Fuck.

Timing.

Oh look. I am back here. Again. I guess I always end up right back here. Every time to the start.



It is my weak clutch.



I just have not felt good since here. Shit fell back down in due time.



Emily...Fuck she found my reddit post. Dammit. I shoulda known it would happen. Why did I still post there thinking it safe? Why am I posting here thinking it is mine adn safe.



It was just bad timing. Timing. I was gonna do it on my own time, let her know when it was the right time. Now everything is out there before I wanted...I couldnt even go adn say what I wanted to in person. Right there at bens. I am such a fucking coward.



And then, more fun awkward timing. I fell for someone else. And this time it seems almost real. Why cant I fall for someone who is not a bad idea? Why cant i fall for someone in this state. Dammit, here I am falling for sam and sarah and other girls. What is my problem...



And why am I caring? So much. I just...I am fine being single, yet here I am wanting to try with someone.



Dammit. I finally got to a point I dont just want sex, I want something that means something. I want a chance. I want to restart. I want another chance...



Yet here I am. I feel pathetic. Scared. I...still feel like the same horrible monster i have felt like for years. A useless creature. I dont deserve affection or a chance. I am a monster.



I am so scared.



And I want to talk to someone, but I...just dont know. I cant bring myself to do it. I am so terrified. And it feels so silly. And if I speak about this...god it can mess up shit.



Why am I falling for people I shouldnt. Why cant i forget lost friendships and let them go.



Dammit. I have no hope, and I feel so useless and horrible. And I have been so sad, and just upset recently and I cant get over it.



And I am here. How did I end up back here.



Dammit...



I just dont have good timing.

I guess this is just for when I relapse.

Why can't I stop wanting my friend back. Its been years. Its pointless anyways. The Emily I knew is not the Emily there is...

Im pathetic. I still get so upset about missing her friendship. Almost two years later.

Absolutely pathetic.

God Alex is so great. I'm tearing up from happiness. I don't know, so few ever do anything like that for me. And when I've been Particularly depressive it means so much more. God I love her so much.

Nononono why am I falling for her nononono why why am I that dumb. She isn't even in this country. I hate long distance...

Why am I still wanting Emily's advice...

Why am I so stupid...

I hate this.
And god dammit, no, don't offer phone back...nononono. If I have it back I can fall to old issues...and have no excuse to ignore people. Nononono...

God no....

What is wrong with me?