How horrible am I... I can't remember anything of how I felt. Did I really just cauterize and destroy all emotions and memories of how I was with Emily...really. I can't remember the happiness. The sadness. The pain...

I can't remember it with so many things...


If life is just my culmination of all that happens how can I be anything like this?


God dammit. I am so scared. Nothing is going right. This is utterly terrifying. I don't know who I trust. Worse I don't want to trust anyone past Alex and Laura and shawn....and I can't even bring myself to do that as much as I should.

And I am so useless. Im ducking everything up. I am pathetic.

And why am I so scared....

I don't even know why I am so upset...

Heh...fuck. 15 days and ill be 18...a few more and Emily will be 17.

God damn. I should never have let her or Clint get such firm roots in my mind. So connected to me...

I want to restart. How awful is that.

I just...God so much is screwed beyond repair here...

And I never can make amends. No matter how I try.

It all disappears. They all disappear.

Clint. Emily. Maria. Rachel. I barely have Taylor. Barely keeping with Alex, God that's been strained...Lost Bren...scott....almost all the people I ever trust most I have fucked up with...

God why am I so depressedright now...

And why does it never stay. How horrible is that. Tomorrow ill be peppy and this will be gone....

I should just stop. People aren't worth it right now.

Just gotta focus on self...

I guess...

I wish...I wish I knew what to do....to say...

I wish I got less second chances.

And only got them were I truly needed them.

I wanna restart so bad...