Always without fail I fuck up. God dammit dammit dammit. Really. Laura is alienating me so much that I can't even get a damn hug while Ben can. Dammit. I just want to be frriends and that can't even happen.

And dammit I can't even help but feel awful.

I try to get a ride from mom instead of Laura since gas costs have been killing Laura it seems and mom and dad get pissed and I lead them into a huge fight...

And I keep messing up everything the whole night...

Why am I so horrible. Im literally going to cry myself to sleep. Fuck all this ><

God dammit. I wish I never befriended anyone. God. I hate this. Im not acting on, pushing, or mentioning feelings, I am burying and ignoring them, and I still have to have the friendship suffer...

Again...stupid feelings make my friendship suffer which makes me feel like shit and unneeded or cared for...and she is the one I trust most and won't be able to talk to...and it gets worse...

Fuck this pattern...

Happens with everything...

I feel cheated....been a while since I truly felt that way....

I wish I could fall for or be with Rachel...dammit..dammit dammit dammit...