It is back, why can't it just stay away?

My self hatred, my inferiority, my self sabotage, my dark solemness, it is back, my demon of many traits is returning. Maybe that is because it is night, but oh i so love the night.It is when i am at the peak of my abilitys, i am calmed, i think so clearly, i can see my own feeling much better. I realize how much i love being alone, i hate how i have to deal with friends, i just wish i could have my night emotions at all times, because I think at night, and i relize that none of my friends do anything but lead to pain. It is retarded that i stay with them, Because every time it comes down to it, when we walk to go somewhere, i am always behind adn alone, in the halls, anywhere, they are in groups of two and three joking around, i am way back behind them all, alone. And the thing is, i am glad. I love the solidtude, it allows me to think oh so clearly. However, maybe that is why i hate the solitude, i don't want to think like this, i want to be with them, i want to be needed.
Not that it matters, i barely care for any of them. Jessica, I may be going out with her partially due to lust, partially due to the fact she is willing, and maybe because i like her more than other people i know. Yeh right, who am i kidding i probaly don't, the closest to having any real feelings towards any of them are probaly towards laura, i mean i just don't get angered by her or anything, but maybe that is because in the end, i know she sees the truer me, and that i realize, is the one thing in the world i try to hide.
After all of this though, i become scared, because I am scared i feel like that, i almost start to fear death, but i still want to leave behind this world, after all it is not like i feel anymore. Or anything goes right.
Ya know, i want to meet whoever came up with murphy's law, and smack him, just because he had to make something that so accuratly summed up my god damned fucking life. Yeh, nothing in my life is really any good to me. Clint, pshaw, he is the reason i feel so inferior and useless to everyone, hell they all care about him and express it, me, no one needs me or cares if i where to die. Laura, who gives, even if i do like her, it won't matter because i know she would never reciprocate my feelings. Maria, hell no, she could be something good, except she is a horrible hypocrit who whenever she tried to make me feel better would just get yelled at by me because she pushed it to much and brought back these feelings when they where gone, now she has grown to resent me for it, good, another person to hate me. Jessica, who knows, not like we will get anywhere or really go that far, i would dump her but i have no reason to hurt her, i will just wait untill she gets a brain and dumps me.
Also, i have another good ol' thing i was utterly sure about but still hate due to my nature to second guess and regret everything i do. That wonderful thing is aethiesm, since i can't go a damned day without being made fun of or bothered because of it. Woo boy.
Although i might feel better if i had someone i truly trusted, if i could actually open up to other people, instead of talking to you while nearly in tears from being alive and being so close to going and getting pills to kil myself with, all while hoping someone may read this, and something will change and life will be good. Except it won't, it never does, this is not some book, i stoppped reading because i stopped wanting a fantasy to escape reality with. It won't happen, why put my hopes up just to have them destroyed. I mean that is why i have my ego and hopes, i love to build them up when i know something will go wrong, and i know it is going to crumble down to lead me to feeling this wonderful melancholy again, i love trapping myself in this vicious cycle. And the beuatiful thing is, no one will save me, this i know, and i am glad. I don't need anyone, and they don't need me. It is simple as that.
Let everything i have ever planned go awry, let friends start to hate me, let my life turn to crap, let everyone mutiny against me in all that i try to lead(even if i hate being the head of anything, quite stupid.) let my life crumble. It just leads me closer until one day i feel so stupid that i kill myself and rid myself of this futile stipid life.
I am glad to be feeling with next to no feelings. I take everything to heart and get hurt so easily, however i don't show the inferiority complex i spawn from it, however it shows in my dwindle of interests; everyone says my handwriting sucks, i agree and try to act egotisical over something and i try to write with pens and pencil as little as possible; I become an alt at the writing competion, i barely write due to that, even though i know, i believe, i am a good writer; I think i do good and understand something in school, i fail horribly in sixth grade academics for my standards, i stop trying while still trying ot act egotisical; But who cares, surely none of the zero people reading this. Oh well, no one cares, not even I so i guess i shall sleep now, wooh fricken who, maybe if i am luckey i will pass away tonight, or keep my apathy towards life throught tommorow instead of letting hormones, lack of sleep, anger and other things infect me to become energetic and to have sunlight emotions.