Man

You know something really annoying, just a tugging thing making me feel guilty, jealous, hateful, etc. for no reason. It irks me. I need to get past this. Dad being back is helping...and him sorta trusting me does too...

But ya know. It saddens me how little people try to contact me. Not how little talk. But the only people who try to really talk to me and make sure to contact me tend to be small. Hell. Only ben, alex, and kasha ever text without me doing it first. And if i just don't text others, they never text me, or if they do it is "Why didn't you text me" or something of the sort. Sad. Really sad. oh well

weee not total shit mood

Feeling better. Gonna go grab whole star trek TNG first season today from library. Whitney is back same with dad~ Disgusted with self with how i have been acting. Uhm, want a sonic screwdriver asap. Boredom.

yay

Whit almost back, Dad comin home~ for once mind not stuck on the bad. Fully. Sorta.

And Lee, if you readd this, we need to do a doctor cosplay. You as tenth, me as 11th. It would be epic.

Breathe boy breathe

Ugh, that is what i hate when i wake up. My mind is being truly idiotic. It refuses to look past the past. It is just so damn stuck on everything from last 7 years that has been bad. Stupid things from middle school even -_- Yes mind. I know, i am glad for some guilt, but keep the guilt to the stuff recently i should feel guilty about. Not about some mean thing i said 6 years ago that i shouldn't remember...But ugh, i have a decent bit of good in my life, why can't i stop focusing on the bad. I hate it. I need to grow up. And get over myself. Sigh.

At least dad is back soon. Life is better with dad around...

weeee

Scrubs, god, hits so hard. I just love it. Really puts me in focus.

Though i have found one reason that has been gettin me insane. Lack of food. Dunno why but have not been wanting to eat. Makin me irratable and insane.

Though i need to stop looking to shows and TV and trying to find myself in them. But then again, stuff like Scrubs has helped a lot.

But what do i know. I write just to get things out of my head, dunno if they will be how i feel next day, or tomorrow. But once i write it, it is gone and not me anymore. I really should leave this private for that reason, so i can't hurt people with these idle thoughts...

And been writin/finishing random parts of the stories. Tis pretty fun. The characters are so damn vivid and lively in my head.

Brmph

Go away, indecision, emotion, stupid holding onto what i lost. It is done, gone and past, all of it. You will never have what you had with all those people. You don't truly need or want it. Get over it. God damn, everyone says you are so strong yet you cant get past it. Grow up, and get past this me. It is time to nut up or shut up.

And Leland, if you read this, i am getting a TARDIS cookie jar, and a sonic screwdriver. <3

And really odd. I kinda enjoy not tlaking to people...But hate it at the same time. Though been going crazy often. Need to get past all this...

one more thing

Also, Othello sucks, but Iago is hilarious.

And brought blog posts back, so yah.

Yay sorta legal sneak on.

Well. I have permission to order books/work on US history.

I am using this groundin as sorta a gain-control thing. since that is what is causing every damn issue i have. Control, more accuretly, my lack of it. I am gonna use this to gain control.

I will read all of my books.

I am doing my APUSH work.

I am in general getting control of emotions, obsessiveness, etc.

Oh, Em, you win, I am renting the whole TNG series to watch xD

Oh, Alex, since you are here on the time of my bro's birthday he wants to beat you in brawl for his Bday XDDDDDD

But yeah, sorry for all this peeps. Will probably have everything lessened in a week or so. And no, don't wanna talk about it then and such.

really messed up, grounded for while, sorry peeps, tell kasha and such for me. Sorry.

Grow up me, grow up.

You know what is really truly annoying me. I can't stand the past anymore. I can't look at it with hate, reverance, or as a way to better myself. I just can't stand it. It just causes pain. I just want to forget everything of the past and start anew. Hell i moved all my posts to another blog for christ sakes. I should be able to still use the past a tool. Hell. I've changed to the better for that reason. Now it is just for masochistic purposes.

Though Everything i have been building up keeps falling. My view of things in the past faltering. All i liked keeps becoming crap or losing my interest.

Hell only thing at all that has not diminished in my eye is Yugioh.

But...Hell I just cant handle how much i am losing or being fucked. I mean, Aunt Chris's cat was put down today. I loved Dakota. As a kid i always went to Chrissy's, and Dakota was only nice one. All her other cats where mean and evil. Dakota always would be with me and cure boredom and be nice. And since then going to Chris's house, petting Dakota and all that was just...A fact. It was unchangable. Unbreakable and shakeable. Hearing that purr was just reassuring, because it was something from my childhood.

But despite all my wishes i am clinging to my past...To much. Every bit of it. Hell i've been sleeping with my stuffed frog and tiger, trying futilely to grab onto the past. trying not to lose it like i've been losing it...

I just need to get past all this. But my mind wont fully give up...And I feel the barriers, the same damn barriers come up...

Yet still i smile, I laugh, and yet all the things i say not to...i do. Leaving those same damn exceptions, as if i still have something i don't...

I almost think i should talk a lot more to clint...take his advice for getting over people...

But could i live with myself...

But look at how well i keep to any plan i make. I couldn't even go a full day without texting people...without texting them...

I really want whitney back...

Actually. I want him back...

Heh. Ron, what would you think of me now...What would you say...

God. I wish you where here. I still miss you a shitload...

Gah. Staying up this late is messing with my mind. This is all just sleep deprivation. Today (well yesterday now) was great, why let this get to me...

I need sleep. Then i will forget this and feel better.

But still...Even if you're gone, and i don't have you. Even through everything that happened and how pathetically it had to end...even if i feel cheated. I still miss you. I can't blame you. But i miss you and love you...

Damn, I really wish you where here Ron... Heh, you where probably why i can't make stories with that idol that stands through everything. I have always needed an idol, someone i based and acknowledged...like I do Jim Butcher...You where my life Idol, and a friend...Why the fuck did you have to die. God Damn, and so many years later, you think i would be over it, i barely can remember it...but now it hurts so much more as it means so much mroe and i realized how much you affected me...

God damn. A cat being put down got me on this mindset. But hey. With how much i have been fucked recently i am sure it can't get worse.

*just jinxed it*

Eh, i will sleep now... Then tommorow be great and pretend this does not get to me, hell, not pretend. Because i cant feel bad when talking to people...I just shelter my mind from bad...

Hell that is the true issue. The issue does not exist with others. Especially those who have hurt me, left me to drown, said things to hurt....even if we both knew they were wrong, we all apologized...The barrier come up. and when talkin to them i am happy...but once it ends, nope.

Ben is probably only one that don't exist with...

And Ron if he was here...

Hrm. Odd.

Moved everything i wrote to another blog... But i have abandoned it and am using this new. Shouldn't it be the other way around, with abandoning this and moving other blog and what not. Also. Pwnage on kasha

Colberoth Norris 8:25 pm
*Scares*
DivaStar1abe 8:26 pm
Geeze, that actually scared me.

weee.

Tryin for new start on blog...I guess.

Man.

I just dunno anymore. I just dunno.

Wee calmed down

Sorta. feelings are all in check now...I still feel guilty and self pitying. But a day or three of silence wont do much but help. Not that many will care. *shrugs* So yeah...

God damn...

Lust, love, hatred...everything i thought i finally got over is back and killing me, I hate it. Can't i be over this. Sick of my lust, and how when i get like this, or get mad it gets too much control...Sick of how much i keep fucking things up. >.< God i hate this summer.

Kinda just spending the day taking bens advice, ignore everything to take a break. Not that it matters. Most no one texts me unless i text, those who do text have ignored me before when like this...

God i hate myself....

Today is excersize and soul search day...

I wish Whit was back...

Odd odd odd

So, I realized last year i knew full well who i was. And Liked it. But now i got no idea, but know who i want to be, and am just enjoying the chaos and such. Odd.

hrm

Catch up time. Lets see,, kinda drifting away from everyone, even if i try to talk. Mostly cause i am kinda out of it trying to find myself.

I have started working on myself a lot more of late. I am sick of looking at all my bad qualitys and just shrugging them off as "who i am" it annoys me, I will fix it.

Been sorta confused but doing better as of late.

Akron really has been prettty helpful, found Thundercat shirt amongst other epic stuff. <3

Pretty much am ovr relationships in general, or so i think. But Ben is probably right and i am not full over, since, well, he knows me better than i do xD

I've kinda abandoned this blog for anger and such since it ends up bad every single time i do.

And i guess that is all that is important, my five minute update. So ta.

irony must you continue to make me your bitch?

So I am annoyed at times because everyone is hanging out, and besides ben no one ever invites me to or considers it usually with me. And our plans have a tendency to get raped.

So finally as a nice change, Laura invites me.

Except I am leaving tonight for a few days.

Well played irony. Well played.

Yay FMA and goku

Got goku figure, finished FMA. Yay.

Fun day, finally some days where things are not goin to hell.

Bar a little anger at some things at party, and some irrational anger that disappeared as quick as it came next day. Since sunday things have been pretty damn sweet.

Finishing FMA, tis badass.

Won Gogeta from UFO catcher.

Hung out at walmart and at BK, Saw Miguel, Haley (I luffelz my fluffy unicorn haley <3) and Kasha, then later Mrs. Salchak. Twas fun.

Well, hating infernities and sabers

but yugioh rant unneeded.

Though really glad ben saw Kasha. Really glad. *nodnod*

Man...

I am really lazy. Now i just dont want to start anything, and if i do something, i really just want to duel...

DAMN YOU TOM I BLAME YOU AND THAT EPIC DECK.

Wonder if he got to day 2...

Yawn

Well party was fun, despicable me awesome. Yet i feel really angry for no reason and out of it.

And Damn Tommy boy got a featured deck again. He is impresive as hell.

Hrm.

Odd, now i know they are on date. But not even tinge of jealousy. Or annoyance at him or anything like that in general. And the only raeg i haz is that it takes away emily's textin xD Which makes me boreded. Since the whole her Ben kasha is primary texting and what not.

But man. Bored.

I am pretty much out of feeling for romance, enjoyin being single. Yada yada.

Hrm. Really really really really hope this works out for ben tonight and he gets to hang with Kasha today...He never gets to see her...And his pain kills me. A lot. Hell, Tay and Emily have dated what...12 days? and they probably have gotten to be alone more than them. God. It sucks for ben. He deserves to see her today. God.

Hell, whatever deity is up there and is finding great joy in fucking with me, Don't mess with ben, give him this. Kthx. You can mess with me more. I don't frankly care. But Ben deserves this. and hell he actually believes in something i do believe, so give him somethin.

And besides my hope for ben not much. Partay tomorrow. I dunno how it will go or what i am hopin for... But hey. It lets me see people and hopefully wont make me want to shank something. And despicable me today or tomorrow morning.

Sooooo yeah. Nothing else really.

Yay my ability to love completly opposite songs and obsess about them

Collide- Howie day
The man with the Hex- atomic fireballs

Holymotherfuckingepicgameofthegods

holy fucking shit. Now Kessler as Cole was a hella plot twist. Dear fucking epic. Kinda cliched and expected, but such amazing foreshadows and great way to blur the lines between good and evil like they have been doing in the game. And dear lord. That was just an amazing game.

ugh

everything seems good with friends...but i feel kinda shitty still. May be staying up late...but whats worse is i dunno what i feel bad about.

WAIT

I FORGOT. WAREHOUSE WAS SO FUCKING EPIC.

And claudia needs to be in bikini this season. ILU redhead hottie <3

WQow hectic day...

So much to say...so many excuses or what not could be said...but most of us have talked about this stuff in person...Back to sanity sorta kinda.

And Taylor finally admitted it and solved half the problem. Though it took about an hour of badgering till he admitted it and apologized to rachel, so she feels better...

And i apologized and gained some directness...

Still feel guilty...

I really dunno anymore. Guess i gotta say fuck it all and go with it.

Amazingly i am pretty much over Emily.

Still dunno how i feel bout rachel...

And yada yada yada yada.

We've all been over this.

Sobe~

God...What is wrong with me...

I know full well my mistakes and keep making them...

I keep hating myself...

I still keep going to cowardice...

I hate that i keep doing this...

And I think I am actually falling for Rachel...Or do i wish i was? Is there a difference...Do I just want something to get on with...or what... I don't know... but it wouldn't matter since she doesn't like me...God...Pathetic...I am still pathetic...

hoo boy...

Gonna kill something...Really am...

And what is that. Depressed nostalgia? You wanna join rage and depression. Memries over Ron, you are coming too? What, Jealousy also! Man it is a party of mind fucking. Sooooo sleeping soon to get rid of all of you. Since this is all just a big I-should-not-do-say-post-act-upon-or-anything-when-this-mad situation. And no, don't bother confronting me about this i am not talking about it. I've said enough here and everywhere. You wanna help my depression about the Con being fucked, fine, but this shit. No, leave that to myself, cause this is between me and him, or more accurately him adn Rachel and me. And this blog is for me to Vent, but if he damn well does not man up i will confront him, because this is all his fault, and if he would man up and admit his mistake this would not be here.

Also anyone who talks to him about it. If he says he never cheated on all the girls we know with Clint, he lies. He cheated. On everyone except Lucas and so far Emily. But then again, most all of you knew he did stuff with clint at sleep overs, and if you had pieced together time frames you would know it was when he dated people.

And he planned to accidentally grope rachel, and did. A lot. Ben can vouche on that.

Hell he may have with laura, i don't fully remember. I know for sure on rachel since he even admitted it two weeks ago.

God. I really wish I had a con to look forward to with Kelsey.

But hoo boy, at least blogging clears head a bit.

soooo outta it...

Man, really annoyed with romance in general now (No, no specifics, no hidden allusions, quite literally all romances pretty much) and how some of the people can't handle going 2 fucking days without seeing each other, or they can't handle a few hours of not speaking, or you know, they all but cease to function and act as if everything is pointless when the date leaves a party. Especially on the fucking bachlorrete (I hate my mom), but in general. Okay, i am guilty of some of that stuff or have been. But dear god, anytime i have had a date, if i play with a friend at their house, or my GF of time left party, i was not happy, but i functioned and partied.

The only person i give full exception here is Ben, due to how little he is ever able to see Kasha. He deserves to be like that. So do people in his situation. But there are people who saw the girl alone two or three times in past week or two, and are unable to function when they are not there.

Also people who never shut up about their relationship. Though i guess i am a bit hypocritical on this point, but we have all seen the people who never ever shut up. And relate anything, like even air to their date. And people who refer to other peoples dates as "Their boyfriend/Girlfriend" as if they aren't people. That irks me. Even if i was dating the person being refered to.

And I am still really upset about Kelsey...Really really upset. Been near breakdown all day...

And people who forget about even being a decent friend, and apologizing for something they did that really hurt someone, even though they said they would apologize...but instead they just forget that for their romance, instead of taking the time to at least say sorry. And yeah, this is to someone specific. About someone else. But that bastard should not just forget about friends, and forgo trying to save a friendship solely because he has a crush. Hell, even if you love someone you should take fucking time to apologise when you have hurt someone...

And Yeah. It is about taylor to Rachel. He did a ton of shit...And i am glad i let her know, even if by accident. She fully deserved to know how much crap he did. And he knows she is pissed, said he would apologize today...that douchebag.

Though i am happy to a degree...Laura and Benny are back. The one miracle of getting clint back as a friend seems to be happening. And had a ton of explosions (explosions and giant illegal fireworks make pyro/law breaker happy) and i've been getting a lot closer to rachel as of late.

And Kasha has phone back.

Also Warehouse 13 is back ~~~

But man. I really dunno what to do or feel anymore. Guess i am just goin with flow.

dammit...out of everything this is the first thing to utterly, truly, break me...

Heh...even when dumped and the taylor fiasco i never cried...I kept talking to people...But now i can't do anything but cry...

Heh...One thing i had to look forward to. One thing perfect. A con with my oldest and dearest cousin...Now it gets fucked up and she can't go...

Why the fuck does this always happen...Seriously life...I put up with all this shit, i dealt with all the stuff, I forgave taylor even though i shouldn't have given him a second chance, i support him and emily rather than be bad about it, I do all this other stuff to try and handle it...

Then this...

God why can't the things that truly mean the world to me ever fucking go right...

Screw this...I don't know why i bother with life....One thing i wanted, one thing i hoped for and planned for so many months...ruined...

I hate this all so much...So much...

Heh. Guess it is fucking true. My day is never complete until something goes wrong -_-

Fuck all of this...

and i am so upset at this point i cant talk to anyone, not even ben...

I dunno what to do...

Man, that ended sorta well... But letting rachel know what happened in past with tay went bad...she is really upset...like worse than taylor...And i feel really bad....I should just stop with telling people even if they fully deserved to know...Its only hurt people...and i feel really guiltly...

But i think something clicked. I am almost completely over everything. Odd.

Really glad to see Clint at Zacks...I missed him.

Was mostly fun...Though really worried bout rachel...I know how she feels...

Man, no matter what i do i fuck something up >.<

What is my issue, i know full well how powerful secrets and knowledge is, but am letting my personal feelings affect it... I am such an ass.

Whoo boy

Lets hope i am not making a mistake going to Rachel's mainly rather than Zacks...Though i have Jeremy who will gimme a ride to Zack's if i wanna go. So if i need an escape i can.

Blah, thanks murphy.

So was dead set, no issues, inhibitions gone, wanting to go to Zacky's party tomorrow. But then rachel decides to have one...Now i dunno what to do...close friends, but deal with stuff that probably still will annoy me, or go see jeremy and other friends i could get close to, get out of my comfort zone...do something new.

to keep track of mah mini facebook story thing

"You where my friend, my enemy. I cant hate you, i can't love you. I cant be mad, i can't be sad. What can i be, what can i do? Why don't you tell me." "You can forget and fade away, or you can remember, and live. Live with pain, live with joy. And keep on living." "Cant there be joy without pain?" "Never."

"If we have to feel pain why bother with life?" "You felt joy, wasn't it worth it, through all the pain and struggles?" "Yes. Very" "Then cherish it all. The good and the bad makes you who you are. Now, you have to finish me" "Why, why do you want the end." "I've lost all i had, everything i built my life around, all i cared for. How can i restart after that?" "It will be hard, but it can be done. "

"Join me." "I tried to kill you, you have ruined me, why should we join." "You have to find a new road, let me pave one for you" "This is nonsense" "Thats the only sense that there is." "Ain't that the truth." "So will you join me?" "Do i have any choice? I am in"

"Why must we come here, we have power,why can't we be better.""Cool it,slow down,enjoy the simple things.""I don't even know how to feel and you are telling me this.""Yes,come on, you are sharing the apartment with me""This is insane""Just forget it all.Focus on now.Just quit worrying,see how it goes.""Fine, Though wou...(tharr be more)ld you consider the girl across the street changing without closing her blinds little?" "Very."

"Do you got a girl?" "More like she has me, hook line and sinker" "aint that the grand old truth." "It really is. Now i've gotta go visit a friend of mine, don't blow my apartment up. Got it?" "No guarentee's cap'n." "There never are in life. there never are."

"So after he tried to kill me he came to live in my apartment." "He tried to kill you?" "And he i there now." "he tried to kill you?!?" "Yes. but what's done is done. no use worrying about the past." "this happened in the last day! God, you more issues than Glenn Beck." "That is impossible and you know it"

"so have you talked to your girl?" yeh." "got her back yet?" "Nope." "Hey, thats her loss and its life. Anyways, lots of fish in the sea right?" "Not anymore." "Oh...lots of fish in the oil right?" "True that." "We are really horrible." "yeah, we really are"

"So, despite trying to you know, kill you, we are letting him join us to protect the people round here who need it?" "Pretty much." "Do i have to play nice?" "Yes." "But..." "No buts." "You are so damn mean." "Yeh, and you whine. Deal with it." "Can we at least get some Burger King and not get him any?" "That is completely petty and pathetic." "So it is a yes?" "Damn straight."

"So you are the newbie?""Yes, what if i am?""I hope you know, i don't trust you, at all. I don't trust or buy this for a second, and can't wait for it to go to hell." "Is that the real reason, or are you just jealous and fearful you may lose something?" "What the hell are you talking about?""You've been the only one for so long, you fear losing something that exists only in your head. Get over yourself, and grow up."

"Hell yeah i just won a whopper from team shark boy crest!" "We are about to kill each other and a little game is all you can think about?" "It got you two to quit fighting eh?" "..." "this is where you guys say touche at the same time." "truce to finish what you started?" "agreed."

Fun time at BK

So saw John and Scotty round there. Won a Cell DBZ action figure from a walmart claw machine. Probably one of best things to happen to me in a while.

One of only things.

My life is a tad pathetic.

I need to stop playin games...

I've just been noticing a lot recently, with everyone i see "Karma moments" Like in infamous...I keep seeing where i can help others, be good, but it tends to cost me in someway, or i can focus solely on myself and benefit for myself...

I keep choosing good...but i almost wonder what it would be like if i chose to be selfish and evil rather than trying to help others...

Though i guess its good i am not stuck in Cole's situation, you know, post apocolyptic city, girlfriend dying, etc...

Ugh, GTFO life, I get it God, you enjoy my misery -_-

So after feeling great sickness is rearing back its head 3 fold. Feel sick as hell, headache and all that.

Confusion and all that stress is also adding.

Sickness also helping with that.

Don't you love horrible cycles.

I officially hit breaking point i believe...something just clicked and i can't handle talking to people today. Just gonna sit around, feel shitty, play a game, read a book, sleep...

And hopefully tomorrow is good with Dad back...I really missed him...but he is then gone a bit more...

I Feel like breaking down....


God i hate going insane like this. I know exactly what i want...but i also want other things contradicting them...

I think i need to go through a good ol feeling purge to get past this...

Or a L4D2 marathon...

Wow...fucked up mind is fucked up

When tlakin to others, or to myself, i almost hate them together...but when talkin to her, it is as if i am over, or fully acceptant, and hope they last...guess seeing her happy makes me happy. So odd.

And damn. Have to do zollar dogs. That means i have to put on pants...

Hrm odd

Likin leland, really entertainin guy.

Odd odd. Feelings finally calming down a good bit. Contradictions, anger, joy, etc still there, not on overdrive like yesterday.

Waiting for a week or two to pass so head will calm and clear fully like usually.

Sobe is delicious.

Want shawn on, distraction via helpin him with comic= needed and awesome.

and yeeeeh. I dunno what else is really happenin.