I hate this...can't reconnect even to Cory....scott never worked either....Clint barely works....Emily still hates me and we only have a fucked up half communication through Alex....fuck all of this.

I want out. I want away. I barely care about my friends. Myself. Anything. Im just in a shitty mood half the time. It takes Maria's fucking drama and shifts to cause any increase of closeness between. Me and anyone. I hate this.

I want out.

And I feel so low im back to here. This fucking place. I thought I grew past this clutch and was trusting people again.

Dammit.

Dammit...guess I can't reconnect to the past no matter how hard I try...and I realty thought maybe there was a chance here...

Two or three times in a week Emily appreciates something I've done...all because of Maria....


Fuck Maria. She has no right to hurt people like this. Neither does Rachel. This is sick. They have no right to cause so much trouble...no right to remind me for the 18th time im not a soulless bastard, no right to make me have to remember I cared about that girl and she exists...

No right to out me in such a fucking shitty position. Im between them and Tay. Between ria and Laura. Between Emily and ria. And you know what is the worst? You'd think the fact that im able to help Emily in someway should satisfy some of my stupid penance ideals, or that im trying to help Taylor move in with me...or that in a roundabout way im getting thanks from Emily....

But honestly. I just feel empty from it. Appreciates. Yeah. Sure. It just seems like a common courtesy "thank you" which I can't even be told face to face...I can't even directly help without a fear somehow it will be on me....or offer my support....or just sympathy.

And the worst is how this still fucking gets to me. Really? I thought I got over this...thanks ria. Set up what looks like a small chance I didn't want while fucking everything to hell.

Why can't I not care...it would be so easy...

I want this drama to end

Lets see.

Adventured through con, realized Nabishin was amazing

Raved, dueled, traded.

Nothing too interesting happened this year. was kinda...tame and less wild. Nothing like last years, much less fun with out alex.

oddly also less fun without some drama of some sort.

Dunno.

Got a trish and veiler.

Emily seemed confused and wierded by me being nice nad offering her food/candy/rootbeer and letting her party in my room with eveyrone.

But I was just having fun with the weekend, i mean, was even nice to jeremy.

Rachel and Ben broke up, joy, drama of unfun variety.

I dunno. Feel odd. Still cant break the in general uneasieness i get when I deal with past people that I dont really associate with anymore like Scotty or Em.

I still have no idea what to feel romantically.


Botha.

Botha botha.

need to fix up school grades...