Tsk tsk tsk, so little do my parents understand how to work me.

Okay, grades are slipping again, probably from laziness and parents just being asses the whole frickin time. I mean seriously, they wonder why I lie to them, it should be obvious, if they disaprove of something I do they yell at me and tell me to change, I get no say. Take me being an atheist for example, when my mom saw that on facebook she yelled at me, told me I was wrong, that I had to be a catholic, I had to believe in something unlikely, and that the world didn't just appear (yes, I managed to resist saying that is what the bible said), and now whenever we talk about religion, or the big bang, she brings up that she "Doesen't want to hear my atheist crap" with a voice of disdain when it doesen't even have anything to do with it. I mean we where talking about the Large Hadron Collider, and I was musing over all of the new discoveries it could create, and how much about our solar system we could find out if the big bang was proven, her response, "Yeh, well while you are there with your atheist stuff, just think of this, what caused the big bang?" Seriously, what the fucking hell, I don't give a damn about the religious crap, I don't believe, yet you do that all the time, thanks for making me feel good mom.

And they wonder why my grades suck, they say they can't trust me because I le about this stuff, I can't trust them because anything like that they insult. What, I can't have beliefs, and you expect me to be kind wonderous and tell you the truth? Psh. I mean seriously let us go look at when this started. And from the eye of a psychologist.

4th grade, I first start messing up on my weak point social studies, what do they do? They yell at me, tell me to brign my grade up or I will be kicked out of step, etc. Not so smart. See from that I obviously would have felt bad, especialy since then I actually didn't want bad grades, but I couldn't get my grade up, what do you do, not offer help or encouragement, but yell and threaten.

6-7. I start off well, but by the end of sixth I obviously am losing control, apathy and hormones create an ungodly bad hook into my life, more yelling. Seventh grade is primarly threats, nothing is good enough, I do good in one test after a few bad, and am ecstatic, they respond "You could have gotten a 97 instead of 91 if you studied harder""Now work on your other grade" or some other put down, and that completly makes me hate it all, and just start giving up. At the end of seventh grade I start writing.

8th: No time wasted, threats before it starts, rebelioness starts, anger and rage dominant. no encouragement. Anything I think I can't speak to them, my friends or anyone else about. This, my gaia journal, and my head become my only safe zone, chosen due to lack of audience. I simply begin trying to fail, taking a Beat way of life, trying to lower expectations to make those the expectations.

9th start: I start off wanting to do better, they ruin it and make me feel worthless from the start, want to know what is wrong and I can't tell them any of this. Hope in humanity down to 53 out of 100. Had a few mishaps in writing last year and barely write anymore. inferiority continues, becoming more of an ass every day, trying to get hurt and ruin things. Made a new friend. Still unable to truly speak to others about these without you. only given this link to about 5 people. Barely able to handle my best friends, primarily my fault. Taken a greater interest in genetic and physic sciences, psychology interest dwindling from friend issues. Realized I use to find meaning by being talked to and trusted, and being a psychologist made me feel needed when I rarely do. No longer trusted by anyone and told secrets except by group gossips, feel unneeded moreso after words, losing touch with all. Relationship with my girlfriend seems strained, relationship with laura more romantic/sexual tension due to my innate trying to sabatoge.

overall mood: Strangly, content. Thriving upon this choas.