How wierd, how wierd, just a compilation of mroe random thoughts. Less detail now.

I have decided instead of long rants to organize it into sections and such.

Loss of anger-

Hmm, strange strange. I have basically lost my hate. Or honestly as I think, more feelings died in me. Last year a good chunk died and I felt less, and it happened again, I now don't care enough to bother retaining anger or anything towards a person, something that would leave me with anger and a grudge, now at most leaves me in a musing state, thinking about it and thinking with a mroe clear head. I can still be mean though, but I am harder to anger, or not angering well. But on a big downside I feel more sad now a days, well not really, truthfully, now something that will let me down or usually hurt me, almost 100% percent barely affects me now, whereas it still usually left some mark on me. Now, I just don't care, I have basically accepted half the crap the will hit me, and expect the oppisite of what I want to happen to happen. Insults barely affected me before, and leave even less of a mark.

Oh and another positive/negative (depends on your view of it) Is I am worrying less, second guessing myself less, going more and more by my

Romance stuff-

Well, I think my relationship with Jess is good, we are at a near emotional and physical standstill, which will either go by one of two things, either her ending up dumping me, or me her etc. Or if like before we will be like this for a while then suddenly lose a bunch of inhabitations and leap foward, sorta like a growth spurt. Neither seem likely, since I more than likely won't dump her, I don't have it, I don't want to fully, and I like having a relationship and know that I more than likely couldn't find a good stable lasting one. I mean Laura if I asked her out may date me because she couldn't say no due to not wanting to hurt me, or even out of small feelings, or getting nothing bad out of it. But in the end I know she would end it after a short bit, and never be able to handle going past kissing. And the other crush I have, which I bet will dwindle from telling myself it is a crush or thinking it is to a friendship and just a science like interest in her (whenever soemthing interesting comes along like a new student or someone with radical different views, this happens a lot). And even if she liked me and would date me, I would probably not do it, she is moving at the end of the year most likely. And either ways she is head over heels for someone in Maryland.

So honestly Laura and Jess are my only stable crushes. And honestly, that is what is the most annoying part. Stability is not something I work with, stability is dul and monotounous. Also, I wonder whether getting crushes on both of them is from real feeling, one being willign to do a lot sexually, or my need for choas?

Lack of being able to find myself, not knowing who I am, indecisiveness and internal battles-

Hmm, well as usual, I still don't know who I am, and eternally wish to do away with emotions and such.

But now a days I really do realize how much a lie I live, all because I can;t tel where I stand and at different times in different situations I stand at different sides of the same ideal, or my view on it is changing between "yes" or "no" with it.

With my feelings toward people, they change rapidly. With Dating sometimes I think I shoudln't be doing it, and that at my age it will mroe than likely end, and be wasted time and money, othertimes I think as long as I enjoyed it it will be fun. I sometime want the future, I want change, other times I year for the past, not wnating change. Sometime I want complexity, confusion, other times I want smplicity. I am in an eternal internal Yin-yang battle.

And because I have nothing that I believe set in stone, and half of what I preach is basically just ideals that sound good, and half the time I feel exactly oppisite. Heh. I wish I could do away with this indecisiveness caused by wishing to find myself, or be in the middle. I wish, I wish that like I try to preach I could be everything I usually say I am, or be someone else, or just be a living robot, with nothing but logick to back me up. But realistically, It won't happen. Murphy wins again, damn you murphy, damn you and your stupid law, and damn my loss of hate preventing me from feeling rage at your law like I use to, now I can only raise a fist in mock protest.