Heh, god, why am i feeling so jealous and angry about romance today.god damn, I just feel so pissed...

I guess...I dunno. I have become so cynica, what happened to thinking half of the ones would easily last a while? Now you think half the relationships you see are idiotic, rushed, doomed to end, or other stuff, but hey, cynical you eh?

And the ones you know can easily last, you either think they dont deserve the girl, or will hurt her (Hypocricy at best eh?) or you wish beyond measure that you had that girl. And no, it is not the ones you guys think, well, maybe some of you guys could guess. But not the ones you think i mean, not anyone i have had issues with in last year.

Heh, guess im just a cynic. A jealous idiotic cynic...who doesnt want a girl yet feels like this.

God, what the hell is wrong with you, could you be any worse of a person right now.

And maybe you should stop talking to yourself.

Oh, and how is that simple buisiness of just saying "hi' goin eh? and dont give me your bs of how, at least to you, a smile and laughing at a mutual friend meant something, god. Nut up. Say it. Stop being so weak.

Dammit. You really can be pathetic. So pathetic. I dont get why you are so angered by some of the relationships. It is quite sad. You have no right to judge, and you cant condemn someone to your morals, just because you are too strict and idioticly slow and meticulous about it doesnt mean everyone should be...get off your high horse man...

Or at least continue what you are doing. Say nothing.

God. Just...Man, stop killing yourself like this, it may not be obvious even to you, but you just are comparing and relating any and every little damn thing, it is not something so easily logiced out, you cant make a flow, or data repersentation, you cant find the right response and everything, its not that damn simple, too many variables.

And honestly....Go talk to someone. You really need to, but yet, you dont trust anyone anymore do you? Wait, no, that is wrong. You still do, that is obvious...You dont trust yourself. You dont trust yourself not to mess something up, say the wrong thing, to hurt them, hurt someone, ruin someone, and so you alienate others or alienate yourself in fear.

You've become so quiet. God, that is why you are unable to just make that single step. Hell, it is not even her you are suffering solely with. When was the last time you tried to have any real, meaningful conversation and really started it, Kasha, right? And you dont trust her much, you guys are so close, but you can never confide in her...What the hell is wrong with you?

What are you afraid of? You'll hurt her, or him, or them, well. Alex, Emily, and all these others seem to know oyu may, and seem to know they may hurt you, yet keep trying, and want you to try more. Why cant you?

Fear is reasonable, but you are being paralyzed by it. You gotta grow up.

Nut up or shut up.

God... Grade a idiot, I feel like crap about messing that up... I'm gonna go play games...sorry guys...

Hrm. Man....I dunno.

Okay. Wow, really me, still cant even just say "Hi" in halls. God damn, you almost did it 5 times this week, and you;ve been there...a day. How fucking pathetic are you?

and now you are so behind you are screwed.

And you keep thinking about the past. What is done is done. Fucking follow that, do your actual work. An hour of goofing is bad. Do. Homework.

And get that scene out of head, it is not how everything will happen, not what can be done, nad purposely dramatic, stop relating Jd to yourself. Fucking hell.

"But what if what i want is the girl i am meant to be with?... Elliot, we do this every year, and each time i am too scared to tell you how i feel. I am crazy about you, if i had to choose between hanging out with you eating a cold pizza watching a crappy tv show, or meeting anyone in the world it would be you every time." God i hate how amazingly that was delivered.

And oh come on, Keenon's Bf dumped him -_- Fucking bastard -_- (keenon is my tolkien gay friend i have mentioned a few times)

hoo boy, sad when my rage o meter is raised about people i dont know. How i wish i could hit those people.

Though, part to myself is there. I want to continue, but damn, why is the first step such a bitch. Yeah, it should be easy, just like old times, eh? but man, you are always like this, you cant be more than caiutious when you feel there is some risk, any. Fight. Go forward. Tell her how you feel, try to fix everything. Once you break the habit, you can form a good one. God damn, it is obvious beyond measure what to do, do it. Dammit. do. It.

Heh, wow. But i am so pissed at him I actually mean it when i say i wanna punch him. Takes a lot to sincerly break my pacifism. And to do something i know would end with my ass kicked. But i would do it. Oh god i would, and savor it.

God, a little excersize helps a lot with stress relief, need to do this more.

So odd. There is a strange philosophical base on this whole situation. One hand has the blue ring of hope. The other orange ring of greed. Antithesis's adn conflicting sides...

I think i shall lean more to hope. All will be well.

but parent bitching about grades and whatnot, yada yada.

But things sorta going better, kinda doing work. Spanish not raping as hard. And i am trying to fight...but it is a hard habit to break, but i am doing more than i have in a long while, baby steps right?

But hell, maybe, if i try hard enough i can fix some of what i ruined...At least i can hope. Hope and initiave...Now i just gotta work harder. Damn, why am i so freaking bad at just jumping into stuff...Sorry, gimme some time, i am trying, i swear i am.

Things doing bit better overall, but will work on some stuff, almost caught up again...

Hrm, it is funny how people i dont know become so close to me. Bren and louie and phil, before i drifted from them. Alex and Lane. Now Will, Zach, Alex (not the one we all know and love, another) (who looks a lot like her actually) (and acts) , Kai, Keenon, Ryo, god, they all have become some of my best friends. Hell, i even met Zach and our Alex, and probably meeting Lane, and Alejandra (alejandra=other one, how we differentiate in this post) later sometime.

But god, how odd is it, and how much of a coincidence is all of evreything. If i didnt go and check back the old team zero site for nostalgia one time, how different everything would have been, me and Bren wouldnt have talked again...

If i didnt decide to try that amazin Yugioh RP, i wouldnt have met the others.

If i didnt befriend Emily and them instead of not talking to them, I wouldnt have joined the RP and met alex.

God, you know, there is the one concept in Dr. Who, where certain events influence everything and have one giant turning point. I can find a few of those in my life. The above mentioned things. January last year. So many.

So odd. But just my musings.