Shit shit shit. Im looking back again, dwelling, regretting. Stop. Dammit.

No! I had a great day with shawn, we adventured and convertted Laura to the Gl.

Then...man. I had the time were I realized how amazing Ben was. He held back his feelings because of me. He wingmanned for me. And the only thing on his mind foremost was being a good friend. God. It was like Taylor and Emily. Except instead of feeling pissed and betrayed, I felt honored, trusted, kinship, friendship, like I had a bro that actually would be there...so I told him to ask her out. Hell. Even if she didn't realize it, for her she kept sticking herself out there...I had to tell him to. What kind of friend would I be to prevent it because of my feelings when he did so much for me?

And I felt happy. Free. Good.

And then I started letting go. Attempting to reach out to people in small ways...

So why am I looking back and torturing myself. Dammit Kasha why end up getting me to do this....

I wont falter...

Im working so much harder...need to do so much better...I wont falter dammit I wont

Well that was one of the hardest things I ever did

Ah man. That was fun

ts odd. Today I have spent it thinking. And eating. God so much eating.

And I don't got one damn idea what im doing.

Or why I feel what I feel. I should be upset over shit? Right? Em and Tags one year is coming up (Congrats you two, even if you don't read this and hate me), the 13 months since our break up (pathetic I can't forget the exact dates, but they were an exact month apart) , I am definitely losing the girl( and it seems like she is falling for friend) , I seem to be ruining one of the few friendships I still had and liked ( what else is new), and im going down a constant hole of repetitive feelings with no logical basis.

But right now? I feel...great. oddly happy. Usual eye before storm were I shrug shit off? I don't know. But right now...I just want to enjoy myself. Do nothing. Get my liscense, just goof around.

And I still want to thrill seek. Just make out with a stranger, or hell maybe more. I wanna try pot, alchohal I wanna go and fight. I wanna take up fencing, try kayaking, swim in the wild, start weight lifting. Who knows! God. I want to live!


But am I just hiding? Will, or more accuretly, when, will I feel different.

I mean. Even now I get a flash of jealousy. But I am ignoring it...am I over it or is a prelude to hell?

And ya know. I am drifting between time. Falling back in love. With old series. Falling for manga and missing Clint. Wanting to revive the circle I started...despite knowing im the most unwelcome and unneeded one. Then looking to the future and present. Wanting random things, wanting what I have to stay what I will have.


What the hell am I doing? God. I have no idea.

I hope its good weather again. So I can sit in woods and meditate.

Then realize I am an ass.

You know,, did you ever just consider half of this is rebelling.. . No not against your old life. You are reveling against Emily. You want to forget her and. Get past her. But you can't. So you lash out. Pain you never have truly confronted eats at you, so you tried to destroy any connection to things that you connect to her...

Which is harder when you let her into every facet of your life.

So now...you still can't pick up the pieces. Cause you are halfway in a forest with no idea whether to turn back PR forward.

And that seems to be about right...I thought I. Was. Gonna delete this place...guess that didn't happen

What to say to the truth...honestly. I have no damn idea. Frankly. You pegged it all and were right. And ya know. I don't know how to feel or what to say.

Bleh. So odd...at the moment why am I not devolving into my usual pattern...pretty true on how damn predictable I am. Hell I hate myself for it all the time which is part of said pattern.

Hmmm...but something is clicking today where I started driving fucking brilliantly...no fear...

How am I supposed to fear.

Funny. You keep a handleful close, then get upset when any number don't pay you attention (or whoever I crush on or am currently getting close to) after you did them, and generalize and hurt everyone...

You really do take everything for granted.

And man. She is right. Contradictions out the ass. What is worse is how little you get on how you feel. Or why you address this to yourself in second person.

But how do you feel about Emily? Love? Hate? Who the fuck knows. You switch between the two. And can't ever decide.

Then you just use everyone... funny you were used when you were proving your worst and most idiotic.


Man. Why do you feel so...odd now. Not happy. Not upset...weird. usually you'd be repulsed at yourself. It is there a bit... but man.

You are distancing yourself still. But funny. The few people that would help the most and you honestly still trust you either distance in a fear of how you might feel for them, or that they may actually still make you feel, hell, make you think, may help you.

Right now its so objective. Maybe cause im tired....or expected this.

Not even too excited bout Butcher coming back...wonder how that'll get to me later. Same thing as your first date with Emily...

Finefinefuckedupfangasmfine?

And now I am really tired. Actually I have been all day. Maybe being woken up early gives me driving skills.

Tonight's dreams will be interesting...

Subconscious will probably guilt trip me. And fuck almost fell asleep. Night

Im sick of this. Really. I am sick of bothering with trying to convince myself and others I am hateful and spiteful easily. I can't okay?

I just can't get to hating people. I still fucking like Emily. I can't fucking bring myself to hate her. God dammit. I am sick of pretending the other doesn't exist. I hate the ill will. I am sick of all this. I am fucking weak. I can't hate her though. Not fully...

I also like Rachel, im sick of trying to be spiteful or mad. I can't handle it. I am sick of wasting time on hate....I just wanna move on...

I don't want to be considered a horrid person...I need to work on it...but come on...I don't even insult Taylor's manhood anymore...im trying to be a better person....I really am...God help me...I am. I swear...


And I need to admit it. I am afraid. Im afraid that all my friends I am close to will fade. I've had best friends online and real life that its faded with before...

And God. I don't want that with Laura. And others. Especiadlly Will"), Keenon, Alejandra, Zach, and Bryan...God I don't know when it happened but they mean a ton to me. The are some of my closest friends. I need this to last..

Will...God. I wont lie. He is easily my best friend. We understand each other and are alike and get what we mean even with our many issues of being sympathetic and such. And I trust him insane amount...I hope it stays. I don't wanna lose it like with Bren. Will is like a brother. He really is one of the best friends I've made in a while.

And I swear to God don't any of you fucking get Moody or bitchy like has happened before. I can talk good about someone without it meaning something bad about others.

Im afraid to trust. Im trying to keep open with others but its hard...

Im so sick of the hate...I don't want to keep this image I have...but im trying so hard to seperate myself from the past and make a new image I am hurting other things...

Dammit I will break through this.

But lets face it. Even with any amount of success and romance and friendship you truly want will never be able to be obtained. Dammit.

You are trying to change and better yourself for a girl who hates you, a girl who wont fall for you, friends you haven't met, and a world you fear. Ain't that the start of a bad sitcom?

And you know...I want a long distance relationship. How ticked up is that. I want to be able to keep physical out of it. I want to have to cherish any time together and never take it for granted....

Man things have changed....

Hmm. Im crying again...you know. Its funny. Multiple people have talked to me while I was obviously upset and I don't think any single one bothered asking what was wrong....kinda depressing...

I must not do that to friends...if I can console I need to try...even if they seem to only be upset from minecraft.

And woah. I can see the amount of views of my blog and each post? Did not know this. 3 average. Very surprising. Kinda wonder who...think will was the third...

guess you never forget...

Really. The only good dream has to be an utter nightmare cause it proves you wrong. God dammit. You try so hard to distance yourself from the past....try so hard to say you don't care. And your first good dream is simply you are friends with Emily and others again...guess you are pretty bad at that hatefullness...

Man. Its sad how almost desperate I feel for romance.....I don't even want lust...almost trying to go after anyone.

And truth or dare has gotten so boring. We did worse in 8th grade. God I miss Clint being there for that

But man. This is awful...it was a life were I was happy...dammit...

No permanent solutions to temporary problems...God...I could sit in garage with car on...die asleep from carbon monoxide...no permanent solutions....God I want to so bad....

That's a great way to lose feelings you don't want. Lose feelings for everyone. Simple and enffective...

Its all a God damn game. Fucking hell why am I so awful. I use and abuse. I treat it like a damn game or story. Plotting for drama or trying to find the right combo to win or other shit. God damn I am such a horrible person ...why do they put up with me...

Whys it always end at the very beginning...

Why do I always cry unable to trust anyone...

Why am I so prideful and horrible. Heh. Laura thinks she is a seclusive person...at least she seems to trust people...

bullshit

Such a perfect title. That is all im living. Doing. God. Painting these images of myself. I still don't know myself. And face it. All of this shit. My romances. Friends. Half of them are nothing...hell. the reason you don't try to plan a Bros night is you don't care...

I should probably lose this self hatred and inferiority complex...

And trust someone...I don't care who reads it here...but can't talk to anyone...


I am a hypcritical coward...

Nothings changed...

What more can go wrong ...

Always without fail I fuck up. God dammit dammit dammit. Really. Laura is alienating me so much that I can't even get a damn hug while Ben can. Dammit. I just want to be frriends and that can't even happen.

And dammit I can't even help but feel awful.

I try to get a ride from mom instead of Laura since gas costs have been killing Laura it seems and mom and dad get pissed and I lead them into a huge fight...

And I keep messing up everything the whole night...

Why am I so horrible. Im literally going to cry myself to sleep. Fuck all this ><

God dammit. I wish I never befriended anyone. God. I hate this. Im not acting on, pushing, or mentioning feelings, I am burying and ignoring them, and I still have to have the friendship suffer...

Again...stupid feelings make my friendship suffer which makes me feel like shit and unneeded or cared for...and she is the one I trust most and won't be able to talk to...and it gets worse...

Fuck this pattern...

Happens with everything...

I feel cheated....been a while since I truly felt that way....

I wish I could fall for or be with Rachel...dammit..dammit dammit dammit...

restart

And recreate. That's what im doing. Forgetting morals with no true validation against drugs that don't deserve to be hated. Forgettting my love of anime and manga for comics. Hell. I've even quit trying to hold anger, I let it show and let it fly. Not always best thing to do. But im not holding it in. Im done trying to hide when I think people are hot, at least with parents or girls I like. Im done hating on the ideas of small flings, hell. I've talked bigger than I would ever do. I've never just made out with someone. Even though I've said so and people assume so. And im not hiding as much, flirting with people and happily enjoying that.

Hell. Even friends are resetting. Im still talking to Alex and Ben. But sadly I have gotten a bit distant. Laura and I still are close. Too much for comfort. But what is Jason, Nyquist, luke, Jacob mckeever, Alejandra, Zach, Keenon, will, Bryan, Hannah, except me resetting and retrying.

And yeah. I may sound horrible. But hell. Its change in life. And I knew most things wouldn't last even if I said I would. Dreamers dreams are not meant to be reality. And you know. I don't care if you guys judge me. Or think im bad. Im gonna enjoy this while it lasts, but im happy and if changing is what causes it. Then sobe it.

Ha. I wonder who actually reads this.

But you know. Its funny how accurate shows are to me. Sure now me and Laura will seem a loose end...but eventually it wont matter.


But ya know...not even trying to be hopeless romantic (when did romance begin ranking higher than sex?) I honestly think we could go somewhere with this all. Too bad.

Heh. Lets see where this all goes!

Man. Getting over people is a bitch. I need out of this town.

Wow. I am so distant from everyone...Hell. I dont even check their blogs...talk to any of them even though now most answer...I dont sum up feelings...I think I just gave up on people and my current life. And am trying to go on with new friends or something...its kinda like clint did...

and just like he said im happier than ever...

Haha. How is it that giving up has become so easy? Screw all this shit, lets move on. Forget those bitches, forger my emotions. Lets live with what we have. God. Not caring is so much easier

Why am I so angry? God damn...

Oh what the fuck am I trying to kid. Im jealous as hell that some random guy made out with Laura. And I am angry because im in such a no win. I know she is not into me and that asking her would cause pain. For us both. Yet I still wanna ask her out, hell moreso because I shouldn't. Despite knowing, wanting, and trying it is hard if not impossible to forget about her. And even if I do I will hate myself for not trying.

And I hate that I am so close to her, realizing things and being told things I doubt even Ria knows...yet its so far. Wow. I sound like a bad cliched movie.

Cept I wont come out on top.

Haha. Funny. Maria says it would end bad cause me and her would probably be far away in college...I actually want a long distance. I want to be forced to only let feelings grow. To have to appreciate what I had more. I want that stuff.

So odd...

And I am in such pain every breathe nearly has me in tears. Joy.

Guess its time for a fun trial. Lets see if I can be a good friend without romance. And see if I can move on in life. And not destroy myself in the midst of it.

FURCK YEAH OUT OF SCHOOL

Freedom. That's it. That is why I feel better now. That's what I try to achieve through confidence or arrogance even if unfounded, freedom and pride. I don't want constraints. Not by anyone. Especially myself. I want to be free. Free to be the best when I know im not, or try to be. Freedom to do anything. Freedom to try what I want. Freedom is where part of it lies I think...

Hmm. And man. I gotta say. This school year I really did make some amazing friends. My online friends. Getting close to Laura again. Ben Nyquist (from now on Ben is this one, Benny Ben is O'Rourke ) , Hannah, and others. God. How interesting.

Comp science is nothing tomorrow. And Spanish to fail.

Sat on Saturday. Hoo boy. Need to do a lot better.

Well. Come on. Lets do this life. Im not going down. (Lets see how long this lasts)

And God I really wanna swim. So bad.

Man Ben Nyquist is getting published o.O that's insane. And the guy makes badass Pokemon shirts. (Whichiamprobablygonnagetone) I quite love that guy xD and am bored. It feels like seven...

Interesting

Man, have some suspicions but no idea whats happening. Oh well, what happens is what happens. I'm not gonna have any confidence shaken.

But I need to cool it down. I'm at the point were i am pushing the limits and really insulting or hurting people, need to calm self. I am overdoing arrogance and douchebaggery and all that to try and convince self of me being...well, whatever i choose to be. Cool it ya, you can be reasonably confident and all that, know the limits, find them. Calm yourself...

And fucking hell. Eat. You know how bad your meds are if you dont. God. Dammit.

You are honestly killing and seriously harming yourself.

Hmm, something else i meant to mention...

I need to find something for myself, something i can truly aspire and want. Even programming bores me a bit. I wish i was better at my job, so i could move up a bit...

I've been getting way too alpha male hormonal, not in lust, but like in physical activity. I haven't been doing much...but I want to start actually working out, I wanna fight, I wanna do something. Its so odd on it.

And you know. I hate that I have completely ingrained myself with stupid habits I picked up from my childhood watching TV. I need to drop stupid running gags i try to have or make, they become insulting or crappy. I need to drop my love and wants of catchphrases and all that kinda stuff. Sadly not awesome if you are not a character in a show. That sucks a ton. D:

But man, I am really pumped right now, meds are soaring through me, holy shit. I feel so awake, but so emotionless, whilst feeling hurt and happy and sad and nothing and uncaring and i want to walk and run and do everything and fly and who knows...

I feel sick and healthy and great....

Even my typing is showing the oddness. Wierd and late as fuck.

Its so interesting how something I was so interested in, in love with, was truly a fad. Hell. Barely genuine caring, more me trying to fit in. Yet now...I care so little. Anime positively bores me. Most manga too. Yet I use to adore it so much.

I guess my past romance with Emily fits there too.

Oh my so cruel of me. Saying I no longer care about the person who hates me and such. If you are judging me for saying this, fuck off, im returning the sentiment, and as she is justified to hate me I am justified to feel the same. But honestly, I don't hate. I just don't care.

Though I'd lie if I said it didn't lean to hate at times.

But it leans to love too.

Old feelings are never quite forgotten.

Though I do respect quite a few things of her.

But you know, giving up and acknowledging that I do not give a damn...its freed me. Im so happy recently. And feel like I can move on with out making myself feel blame and guilt over everything ever just seeing Emily..

And finally I feel like this is mine again.


I have control. Sense. Will. Happiness. A purpose.



And you know, to anyone who thinks im being horrible. Yeah. I sort of am. But I don't regret it. This is mine. And now I have confidence again to say so and stand up for myself.

So honestly. Life. COME AT ME BRO