musings

I like these one word titles, seem cooler to me. Do they seem cooler to you reader-I-hope-doesnt-exist?

Ive been thinking about friends a lot recently, it is all very strange, this last month has turned everything around.

I dont know where I stand with Emily now.

I became best friends with Molly now.

I ended a perfectly great friendship with Rachel, whom i enjoyed a ton, out of respect for someone I think still hates me.

I finally severed ties to Tay, who was one of my closest friends for years.

And I have realized just how insanely much I care about Alex. It is scary, in a way. I really do love her. I mean, I thought leaving her would be easier...but it was impossibly hard. I was practically in tears, I didnt want to let her go, and I had become so accustomed to her in 5 days. Her being there with me was natural, normal,needed. And leaving almost brought me to tears.

Heh, then again, she was last person to bring me to tears in a good way back when she got me that birthday gift.

How do Shawn and Bunny/ Alex and Zach handle parting...Me and Alex are just friends (well, even if we act like mroe than that) and it killed me so much to leave her.

And it is so strange, here I am, visitng a girl for a few hundred dollars, someone I have met less times than fingers-on-a-hand. Someone who I trust fully, consider my best friend, and unconditionally love. Someone I didnt meet until two years later, and didnt see for another two years. Yet she is so naturally part of my life.

How the hell did all this happen?

Would it have happened if not for simple little events? What if I decided not to add her on aim, or not to join that roleplay.

All those little decisions add up.

It is amazing.

But back to musings on friends...

Alex is probably my closest. Hell, I can tell her most everything, for me that is a rare accomplishment. I have so many trust issues.

Then there is Molly, who I became way too close to so short a time, and love it. She is only other person I can tell most everything to , and a few other sexy things for her. Cause dammit molly has a fun life and gets me.

Shawn is by far the best bro I got, I cant even understand how lucky I am to have met him. I can confide, trust, and get help from him on so much. I love that guy.

Ben is still my longest and one of the best bros ever.

Cam...Im not as close to him as I would like. But I love that guy so much. He is grand.

Laura too.

Blaine and Will are two of the people I trust the most. And rest of bitchifiers...

Hess too, even if she makes me go insane.

But man, I was so certain about so many people. Now only half a dozen that live here. Hell, if even that. Jess, Shawn, ben, Jenni, laura...maybe emily ... are friends I enjoy actually seeing.

The rest live in different states or countries. Well, Zach lives in Cincy.

But man, everything is changing so fast, and i dont know how to handle it.

It is kinda scary.

God, I need to learn to drive, three months till september. I wanna visit molly and meet up with Alex so bad...

Then they will hopefully be here for ohayocon...That will be a grand birthday gift.

Man, life is turning upside down.

Temp spot to think

Man, itll be awkward if this is found. But man. I just...Stargazing, even if a bit cold out here. It is cleansing. Really utterly cleansing. Lets me think a little better.

Lets me figure out what I would say...what I want to say.





Okay, I know we arent, or at least havent been on good terms, and I don't know if I think we can ever be. Let alone if I deserve to be. But...Well, I was gonna wait a bit until I thought things were going better. But it seemed Reddit turned against me.

I have so little idea how to say this, because really, I have so little idea exactly what I want to say. It is insanely difficult, and I dont wanna mess this up.

But I have to do something, say something, right? I cant just be the same coward I have been, I am going into a new section of life. And I have to change, I use to be gung-ho for it, and I honestly want to believe I have changed, but one thing I lost is my ability to do what I need to. I never had second thoughts about saying things, but now I have become passive, fearful, overly cautious, thinking time will make it better.

But it wont. I have to take action.

And you know, honestly, it terrifies me to do that. Because this is not some stupid little thing, this is not some random vice, some activity i will regret for ten minutes and be fine, some little thrill, some purchase.

This is a friendship. Or whatever is left of one. And I suppose, deeper, for me, this is everything I have been hiding from, and every personal issue I tried to pretend does not exist.

The fact is, in these two plus years, through all my feelings about you, no matter what I thought, no matter what I wanted, no matter what I said, it has been consistent to one simple thing: I never have quit viewing you as a friend.

I know, this is silly, pathetic, and probably a bit desperate sounding. But through the years I have been trying to change myself so hard, I have been trying to get a grip, and I've lost so much of the stupid urges I have had. And the one thing that has been increasing is how much I have valued emotional attachment, and in the end I have had the same regret. Hurting you, and never truly apologizing to you.

I know I have apologized before, but how pathetic were all of them, desperate apologies in bad times , were I wanted to feel. I wanted a fairytale ending, that was horrible of me.

But I want you to know, during these years I have regretted how I acted in so many ways. And I have truly been trying to change, I really truly have. I have been trying to control that stupid lust, and I have been trying so hard to stop caring so much just about me. I've been trying to work harder at being a better person.

I guess in the end, the deranged hopes in my mind was that at the very least, even though I don't think i deserve another chance, I could maybe be someone who earned some respect.

Or even more...someone who I could respect.

And I guess that is one of the core issues that has led to my hesistancy. You scare me utterly and completely. Because you still matter to me, I still view you as a good friend, and old habit die hard, cause your opinion still matters to me (I know, you'd think I could stop caring after two years, but I never was good at giving up friends...) and that is terrifying. Especially because I still think of all the pain I have caused you, and I feel so horrible. I feel like a monster again.

And I just always want to apologize, but I never can come up with words to sufficently express how I feel, hell, even this seems pathetic to me. I dont know how to say I am sorry in a way that is not just pathetic words-in-the-wind. And I want to do this in person, but I honestly dont think i could without freaking out, becoming incoherent, or letting the emotions that have confused me for so long come out.

I mean, I was realitively sure I knew who I trusted, what I liked, what I wanted. But then at my grad party you showed up...And honestly, I couldn't have been happier. And then us hanging out at more parties, and everything just flowing smoothely, our talks, our bitching, gossiping , joking...It felt like old times. I loved every minute of it.

But I have been so scared by it. Because it gave me a small glimmer of hope. That maybe, maybe I am reedeeming myself in some way, you know? Maybe there is a chance, especially with how we can back to acting like great friends again.

Yet I stil constantly am confused, because I remember to myself every time "I hate you, and no, there is nothing you can do to make things right" and I want to tell myself that it has been over two years. We have both changed, we are in many ways whole new people, almost strangers. Yet I keep having that doubt "Maybe I havent changed, maybe I am still that terrible creature. that monster. "

And it overpowers me. Every time I want to say something, yet I cant. I just cant bring myself to say anything.

But I need to, dammit I need to. I even have Shawn and Ben both telling me I need to...

Except if I say something, it is no longer just a small dream, a hope,a lie I can live with. It becomes real. Make or break. And I dont know if I can handle that. Handle knowing that possibly everything I think is right, maybe I am a monster .

Or...Maybe somehow, maybe somehow we can try again, even if never as strong as before. That is terrifying too. Because then...Then I have no idea how to go from there. and I have no idea what to say or do. And what do you do when that stupid and vain hope you dreamt because it could never be...what do you do when that dream-that-cannot-happen happens?

Especially since every other time I have tried to rekindle, it never really happens. Sure, Clint, Scott, Corey, Bren, and a few others I talk to occasionally. But they are barely there.

And I will be at college soon, I could lie, pretend, hide away adn try to restart life away from people with new friends.

But I dont want that.

I want to say this, i want to apologize. Because dammit i cant be like rachel and never apologize, I need to admit how horrible I was.

I need to believe I really have been trying to change.

I need to convince myself somehow I have changed.

I need to tell you how utterly sorry I am for everything I did, all the abuse, the stupid cruel words because I was afraid of getting close to you, the stupid lust, the everything.

I need to thank you, thank you for being so straight with me over the years. For kicking my ass when it needed kicked. For making me realize full well how big an ass I was. For giving me so many chances I never deserved. For that time when I was depressed and you reminded me of my 'carpe diem' philosophy. And most of all...For being an amazing friend, even when I was a horrible one, and even worse of a boyfriend.

I just need to say this, yet I can only write it in this. And I am not trying to get another chance, or even try to become friends again. Because I know I dont deserve it. And I know this became too much of a self-pity excuse filled letter. But I just...I want to thank you, and to apologize. Because even if it does nothing, and this is ignored. At least I can know for myself...Know I did do it. To prove to myself, in some way I changed.

And to know I gave you what you deserved, rather than me being just another coward.

Man these dreams are becoming fucked up.

Man. It is so hilarious realizing how hypocritical I am xD I am putting pictures of me and Alex up when i diss pictures like that. Then again the most recent was Jess, and those are all creepy. Then here I am bored adn finding myself wishing Alex and Molly were available again. Barely getting to talk to them this week sucks. Then again Alex probably would talk, but she is with emily, wanna let them have their fun. And damn 11 hour time difference with Molly xD

Suddenly these blogs are getting views. Whatdafux. Dammit may need to make new one to hide from people so I dont get another Reddit incident.

Man, walking with a ghost is such a fun song.

Hrm, god, I forgot how wonderful of a feeling finishing a deck and having it work is.

God, I wish Sam and Will were around here. They are some of the best.

God, I hate texting.

Man. I should probably use this to sort out feelings better...

Or just ramble to myself. Yeah. Ramble seems better. Less risk.

DAmmit dammit dammit dammit.

Almost. Something good almost happens. But Sarahs parents say no. God damn. She will be right around here. I really wanted to meet her. Dammit.

And I still am forcing myself to feel more than I should.

Fuck all of this. Dammit.

Mopey mope mope. Moper mcmoping. Im mopey. Mopey poetry.

I dont like these feelings. I like being single. dammit. Life was so much easier not caring about people, and just wanting sex. I barely even have a sex drive now. so fucked up. Dammit all. And everyone I need to talk to is vacationing or something. Fuck.

Timing.

Oh look. I am back here. Again. I guess I always end up right back here. Every time to the start.



It is my weak clutch.



I just have not felt good since here. Shit fell back down in due time.



Emily...Fuck she found my reddit post. Dammit. I shoulda known it would happen. Why did I still post there thinking it safe? Why am I posting here thinking it is mine adn safe.



It was just bad timing. Timing. I was gonna do it on my own time, let her know when it was the right time. Now everything is out there before I wanted...I couldnt even go adn say what I wanted to in person. Right there at bens. I am such a fucking coward.



And then, more fun awkward timing. I fell for someone else. And this time it seems almost real. Why cant I fall for someone who is not a bad idea? Why cant i fall for someone in this state. Dammit, here I am falling for sam and sarah and other girls. What is my problem...



And why am I caring? So much. I just...I am fine being single, yet here I am wanting to try with someone.



Dammit. I finally got to a point I dont just want sex, I want something that means something. I want a chance. I want to restart. I want another chance...



Yet here I am. I feel pathetic. Scared. I...still feel like the same horrible monster i have felt like for years. A useless creature. I dont deserve affection or a chance. I am a monster.



I am so scared.



And I want to talk to someone, but I...just dont know. I cant bring myself to do it. I am so terrified. And it feels so silly. And if I speak about this...god it can mess up shit.



Why am I falling for people I shouldnt. Why cant i forget lost friendships and let them go.



Dammit. I have no hope, and I feel so useless and horrible. And I have been so sad, and just upset recently and I cant get over it.



And I am here. How did I end up back here.



Dammit...



I just dont have good timing.