Today was....great? Wait? What? REally....

Its odd, today...it is just kinda wierd. I have no inhabitions today. In a way. Today i just have left all those little strings and compelling control things go, i have been stringless. I have been talking and messing around with all my friends, i felt genuinely happy and it was just fun. Plain old fun. Goofed around and talked with laura. Same with Josh. Bothered maranda and had laughs. And i was doing that with all sorts of people. I acted like total idiot with Hain and Chibi on the bus, everyone looked at us like we where fucktarded, we where xD I just haven't had any issue or qualm. Though today i just don't feel Romance, or Lust, it is a freedom. If only i could have this mroe often...specifically lust. But i mena, like that little urge and thing that drives me to follow femmes more often, that small animalistic instinct that i do as if in the hopes of action was not here. I just was happy and having fun. Haha.

And i should hang out with Josh more. He agree since we live nearby, it owuld cure broedom.

And i got maranda's number ^_^

And i have started making videos, dunno why, but just recording me and friends and all sorts of stuff, it is fun. The videos have a certain quality to them...

And i have an urge to RP...dunno why, i want a pogeymons one...

Hmm. That is all for now i guess. Oh. I dreamt somethings last night....i forgot what they where though.

TO HELL WITH TITLES!

Uhm. Got Elizabeth back, took a few videos. Funneh. Uhm. Nothing happened... Uhm. Like three people wore shorts or skirts that where like an inch from showing happy places...regina and danielle where two. uhm. Romeo in modern day Romeo and Juliet is totally a rapist... uhm. Thats all really

Bored. So lets try to make life like a book!

Hmm, my friends say i am like dresden, and i agree. So lets see what my love life will be like...

laura would be elaine, first love and such, ended (though i hope to god it doesn't somehow be because she tried to kill me...) and then did not see each other for while, then met and became friends again....okay, so unless she tries to kill me this don't fit since me nad her are still friends...and ya know. She did not try to kill me and all...

Emily i guess would be susan...so that will end badly...ho shit. I'd be in trouble...

Who would be murphy 0.o i dun have anyone i am close to but won't date cause it won't work out...and ya know, i would live way longer or something....so yeh. Undisclosed for now.

then for number 4....hoh. Hot awesome boss who is badass, and gets put in a young body. Sweet. I'll take it....but after book 11....that'll fail...

Okay so besides personality we can say that dresden and i have few similarities xD

And hmm. Did nothing today...gonna make mike test my spellcaster deck with me.

Oh, burned more stuff yesterday. And halfway through Oliver escaped. I had to chase him. I would have wondered if i missed any chats, but before that YOU ALL ABANDONED ME FOR THAT DAMN SKYPE MEANIES! so yeh.

Can't wait for Saturday. Really truly want it.

new yugioh DS game is coming...i want it too T_T

Uhm. Bored. I should get ben and tay and scott to sleep over some time, like next week...

Uhm. Bro has first communion this sunday. Ew. Kill me plox.

And i think my meds kill emotions at beginning of day, and still a bit later. I have been feeling nothing much recently till later in day....that could be feeling horrible from allergies.

hrm, to lazy, give small small recap

Uhm party at tays, twas fun, hung out with emily most of night. Tay and laura got together, was and am a bit jealous, but got emily so i don't care to much. Though maria is pissing me off. I asked if it was real or not (i was told asking him out would be to fuck with him) because if it was real, then i am gonna be supportive and try to help it and him, like always, but if fake i was gonna mess around with it. She snapped at me. Then today i mentioned how it would inevitably end or something, and how she should not go on their dates (dates+others=fail) unless it is meant to be a nothing, and she snapped saying it would last a year if, "That is unless you mess it up" seriously. What. The. Hell. Sure i have a few residual feelings for laura, but now mostly i just have my ol' brotherly feelings for her. But even that does not matter, i was jealous of him with Whit and LAura before, i tried helping both. I think i got whit to postpone dumping him for a little bit... or maybe not. Dunno. Adn i hated Whora and i helped him. Hell, i got her to stay with him an extra month, then seeing him shirtless made her stay longer xD And with Racheal...well, actually, I just helped. But there was no jealousy or hatred towards Racheal xD me and her are friends, and she is a fellow FF addict, so nothing there xD But seriously. Despite my constant (very very very very constant) insult and such, me and Tay are close. Hell, i actually like him, and trust him to a degree. Something i can barely say nowadays. Me nad him tend to be able to talk bout most all shit. And i always help him, why assume i am gonna sabatoge >.< The worse i may do is cockblock...but damnit that is what me and him do, cockblock each other xD Though first he needs to get some action xD Oh well. I was tired. I wanted to rant on something. Hmm. Oddly enough, i really am feeling quite supportive of this relationship. Wierd. Though Maria seems a bit possessive of laura to an annoying and unhealthy degree. And probably not good for the relationship xD I will give it 2 months. Mine 3 more months at most. Alex and bren 4. Ben and whitney 3 months. And me and wall forever. Me and final fantasy also forever. That is my take on the relationships of current. Cause we all know i have to bet. So who wants to put some money on something? xD

Please note the estimates while semi-serious are not meant to be insults or anything. They are jokes. I hope all of them last. Cept ben and whitney, HE IS NOT WORTHY! (normal sane non-father side is fine with it though) so don't take it wrong way 'kay peeps.

Also, i am re-reading dresden. Need a break from atlas.

And spellcasters are almost done for a new deck... yay.

Hmm. Uhm. Today really bland. Just kinda "meh" and emotionless.

Hrm. Sneak preview saturday. Needs to come quick...

And yeh. Uhm. DGM on hiatus, so ima depressed for a bit...

Nothing else. i think.

...

we all know what i am gonna say. No blogging mood...to dull

NO!

I DUN WANNA BLOG TODAY! ONLY A PLAY! NOTHING EXCITING ELSE! GO TO WELSH!

uhm

yeh. Nothing happened, lifes going good, all a blur. Just the same repetitive stuff...dull...uhm, nothing interesting.

uhm.

I had a long complaint thing. But it dissapeared. Was getting pissed at everyone playing on my emotions, still am...but i am not. Alex nad Bren pisses me off but it went away. Damn you Bren, why can't i keep anger at you or scott T_T I lika anger

Uhm. So yeh. Went to sugar maple. hung out with friends. ME and laura made awesome penguin-in-bottle-of-sand thing. It rocked. Talkjed to everyone. Got a potion aka phoenix down" bottle. Hung out with Emilt last two or three hours. Uhm. Had nothing but rootbeer and pizza that day.

Oh. Whitney asked ben out it seem. My real side does not care to much. Wonders what the hell happened, but otherwise wishes them luck. Father side is unapproving, and thinks ben is not worthy of my duaghter.

And my black garden deck is officially badass as hell. I went 6 and 0 at the tournament! HEll yeh! *is so overjoyed and proud* God. This is such an elated feeling, such pride and joy....

Uhm....nothing else really....

Uhm...Yeh...About the blog....

There really is nothing to say...Yesterday i had my hair markered blue....And today nothing happened. I still feel like i been saying wrong things...uhm....getting along with all....Uhm.........Dunno. Lazy blog. So yeh. Also. No One Piece. Sad.

uhm.

....This zidane won't drop the 85 level armor i want. But dropped 4 level 92 swords. Stupid thing.

Met Jim Butcher last night. Fucking brilliant.

*has nothign else to say really*

Ugh. Fucking mind.

Okay. I have lost all urge to even talk to my blog or people bout my issues. They have just become...nothign to me. Everything is a blur because it seems so small and inconsequential in the long run. Pain, joy, sorrow, everything is fleeting. Life, wounds, all of it dissapears eventually.

And now...recently, i have been unable to control myself. I can't stop all this stuff i want to. It is like in Click. Where he was on autopilot. It all just feels like that. I don't want to annoy someone, i tell myself to stop, but my body does the action adn speaks the words without a single thought passing through my head. Yay for me sucking at this stuff.

And i keep saying the wrong things to people...I keep saying stuff i mean as jokes, or as a way to help...but then they seem to get angered or saddened, and i realize later how douchelike i sounded. Fuck this.

And I still can't for the life of me figure out what i think. I can't decide. Right and Wrong....still horribly foreign and impossible. Good and Bad.

And...I don't know. I am happy. But i have once again begun distancing myself. I talk to friends and such, but i just can't get as close as i once was, or was getting. Everyone i am distancing. Cept Bren, and scott. I can't distance from them even if i want.

And I think FFX is sending me a message. I was going into battle with an uber boss....and the game froze. I got owned before even battling xDDDD

Uhm. I want other books to arrive.

I am bit annoyed at how complex and irrational so much of life is. Why can't it be like math. If this is this, then this will be this. Not if this is this it usually is this but on some days it will be this with random addings of this. I wish everything was linear and easy. This is this so this will be this.

Though none of this matters. Haha. Really, it is arrogant of me to even begin to think that all of this is new. Scott, Emily, Laura, Bren, all sorts of people i know have displayed similiar issues. And i bet the rest of the teenage kind and maybe adults have. I am not unique in this. Its common. Haha. We are so simple yet so complex. Tsk. I wonder if human interaction could be put into a math problem....that would be a ton of variables 0.o

Oh. I totally wanna re-write Romeo and Juliet to be a family of pirates and ninja's. Eveyrone ally with me. I have Mike agreeing. Laura, Emily, Uhm...Whoever else reads this and can write, join me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh. And recently people (specially mom) have been annoying me. They all tell me to know barriers, boundries and all this shit, without telling or saying exactly. I get grounded, she says i have some stuff back, and if i go to far she syas i should have known. People do this to me all the time. But they change barriers constantly, adn expect me to still know them without telling me T_T

And also the amount of people claiming things are bad, wrong, or not possible because they don't like, understand, or care about it is astounding. Say you don't know bout evolution so you can't give it as much credit, fine. But say you don't understand how it can work, so it is not real...whut? If thats true then because of these rules all of these things are not real or wrong or bad: Politics, Cuba, people, philosophy questions if the world is even real, goverment, communism beyond very basic ideas, Capitalism beyond basic ideas, how america managed to get so powerful (Like all the factors, seriously, we came from no where), culture, most religion, why i don't have more rootbeer, how in a world so much about logic and sciences, and so against magick and phenomena out of the ordinary ideas of powerful deities exist but other such mythical creatures can't exist, how the hell easter got a bunny.

...Seriously. How did easter get a bunny as its mascot?!?!? "Okay, well, Jesus rose from the dead...and he had a soft beard i bet...you know. I bet it was really soft...like a bunny. DUDE! Lets make a bunny the symbol of easter. With chocolate. And Eggs! BEcause bunnies lay eggs! I think."

...seriously. Someone figure that out for me xD

Ugh. I should write this out at school

I keep planning a semi-decent blog. But everything is just dull. Sorta. I feel happy. But nothing interesting is really happening, dun wanna blog bout party, nothhing unusual happened cept Whit slapping Em for kissing me....which was quite funny xD And the rest of life is going by quick in a blur. It is all just going by nothing big or interesting is happening. Oh. Buses are coming tne minutes later from now on. Ten more minutes to sleep ^_^....there. A semi-blog. Oh. And poor dresden. Book 11 owns his ass....

HAd a lot to say.

Well. Not much. But something....but i forgot.....Damn mom and bro taking computer xD

Hmm. Lazy blog day.

Good is me with all my friends. No akwardness or trouble....well, none that is not usual joking of that xD Nothing serious.

Uhm. Whit's party tommorow. And movie. too bad some friends can't make T_T

Uhm...LAZY BLOG!!!!!!!!! *runs*

What to say how to say it.

Lets see. I will just do haphahazard list then some organization...maybe.

Okay. I feel better. Sane. I have gone past the blame myself fully with grief stage, and the Hate-everyone-for-my-pain-and-anger stage to the rational part. Where i see and understand why all parties are at fault in all these stupid little issues in life. And i accept all the shit and feel good again.

Oh oh oh. There was a sink or swim in english. BAsically stand up, if you answer right you make other person sit down on other team. Then if they answer right they get to sit up again. And if answered wrong you sit down, and other team can steal and sink.

And guess what. Laura went second on her team, 3rd turn total, she almost did not get the question (in which it would go to me for steal, allowing me to get both her and sam), but got it at last 2 seconds. Then sunk me. I got my question rihgt. Sat up. Then in like 3 more people sam went. Then sunk me. Again.

Laura. I pledge this to thee. I pledge that i shall get my revenge! REVENGE I SAY! REVENGE!

Hrm. Not having gaia is getting annoying as hell. I mean damnit, i only go there for GD and to talk to a friend Aerene. And a few other things occasionally. Gimme it back mom! I did what you said.

Oh and mom is getting aggrivating. Bro is using this depression thing as an attention-whore and control mechanism. since he is saying to be nice and do stuff or he tells because i have to because of his depression. Annoying bugger.

And also mom is funny religious hypocrite. While tearfully going on about how bad this is and right after saying he has to go to counciling she says she is thinking about taking me to a priest because of how i barely feel or care. Lol wut. Shouldn't depression and suicide go to that. And Atheist-with-little-emotions go to Counceling? Especially since i got what my bro has, cept way worse...

Uhm. I feel better. Oh. Yesterday it was funny. It ended up being me in a chat with all of the people bren knew first. Roles where switched xD

Hrm. Hrm. Yugioh won't go out of head.

Uhm. If dresden book don't get here someone will die.

I still had dads awesome uber-pillow last night. Maybe i can get away with it one more night...

Uhm. I am sorry to all still about my doucheness and stuff. If i get really bad. Do tell me. I don't realize when i do things at times. That applys to a lot of stuff. I don't realize when being perverted (when i do i either say must resist or it is obvious). I don't realize when i fidget, bite nails, and stuff like that, when i am mean, when i am being wierdly nice, akward, creepy, high-like, etc. If i am bothering you too much or taking anything too far do tell.

Oh. And i decided to get current on Tsubasa. It has incest. The clones of Sakura and Syaoran are in love. And Sakura nad Syaoran are in love. Adn sakura and syaoran are teh children of teh Sakura and Syaoran from CCS. Also, current count is 3 syaoran's (including watanuki but not counting father syaoran) and 2 sakura's (not counting CCS mother sakura).

...Can't think of muych else. Oh, i thought of an idea for an FML "I finally kissed my crush of a long time, it got intense, there where sparks everywhere....the paramedics had to seperate our braces"

Oh, and to all with a DS i mandate you play TWEWY god damnit.

And the stress hits me....

God, well, i now understand so much. Adn i realize how awful i am. I realize now how much shit i put people through. And how cruel i can be without knowing...i don't even realize it and from that i mess up everything. I am distanced from family and friends...all i have are cards and games...i don't even know when i do it is what aggrivates me. Yay for life failing. God. I hate myself. I am sorry for all i have ever done...

Wow. I still haven't even recovered from past injuries. Or maybe since I sorta knew what was gonna be said before hand it was easier to accept. Oh well. Feeling better...but when the hell did Bren become the only person i can easily talk to about this shit....Scott is just distant....heh. That is how life works...I will take what i still have in life, appreciate it, and try to make everything work out. From my relationship to yugioh.

But to all i have done wrong. I apologize. and if i start acting really, utterly, horribly cruel, please tell me....if i am not doing one of my obvious teasing jokes, i typically don't even realize what i am doing, and am sorry for if i have done this. Because sadly i do it to those i am close to with out realizing it.

FUn fun fun.

Well. HAve to be nice to bro since he appears to be suicidal, and ffeel worthless and depressed....Hmm, he seems to be one who likes getting bits of attention from it. Or will start talking baout it in hopes of getting favorable attention. He would be like that. But he has to go to counciling. I should get myself a counselor. I could do their job for them. xD I have psychoanylized myself pretty well xD

Hmm. Can't wait for fridy and saturday. Anything eventful is welcome.

Todya was fun, talked with josh a lot. He may come to see the movie. By the by, someone remind me to tell emilt to find times for me to take credit for finding xD

Uhm. Me and laura goofed around. Oh it was funny at lunch mike asked how she could take me down when i said she could and i said something along the lines of "Well, she could flirt a bit, then when hormones flared and i was distracted and off gaurd, she delivers a knee to testicle." And then she scooted to mike as if she was gonna flirt, and he went away xDDD then i did the same xD

And hmm. I am loving and hating spanish teacher. She put participation points in (YAY FOR ME GETTING BONED OVER 50 POINTS! AND LOSING HOMEWORK POINTS! >.<) which will kill me. But put me in a group with Kim and Laura, and made my seats right by em. So have fifty points that won;t last. And have a seat near the two people i like in the class, and the others around me aren't annoying.

Uhm. Finished blood+ novel 3 todya....my dman dresden better arrive soon....then i can get in trouble for always reading xDD

Uhm. Can't think of much else....

Hrm, lot to say, so little urge.

Well. My bro is apparently suicidal and depressed. He has to go to counceling. I need to be nicer. And remember when he yells at me in rage it is like my rage, releasing inhibations.

Uhm. Great terms with all. Fun seeing them all again. Me and laura did not talk much...if at all. Seems akward...Damnit. Irony. I swear, if you made her like me again just as i got with emily and feel great about this. I will hydra you. Bitch. *just smack talked irony*

And uhm. Uhm. Got air ride, ordered Haruhi novel in english, and am almost done with blood+ novel 3....

*too lazy to post more* xD

Back to happy.

Everything feels alright. Happy as hell. Today i am gonna own the tournamment. Hopefully Kirby air ride comes....

Shishishishi going from happy to sad and depressed, sure to worried and doubt, insanity. Weeee.

Okay, need to do a ton of catch up.

Okay, lets see. I caved in, and gave up on laura. Asked out emily. So yeh. We are dating, since i told tay so now like 5 people know. Bren told alex, and ben knows, and whitney is suspicious and ben will tell her probably. Leaving basically Mo and Jess the only ot be unknowing. So just saying it to end the confusion and ideas. We are yeh.

And i am alternating between pure sureness, doubt, and middle ground. I like her, i know that. But i still have bits of doubt and worry. although, i guess it is more worry on myself, did i rush into this too fast when i still like laura, am i just trying to make her jealous or use her for lust, etc. But i know i like her. Although it is odd, i am sorta at a point where i know there is something, but it does not fully register and feel like we are dating. There is still a sorta distance where i feel like i should not do this. And there is also a small feeling where it is like, hrm, like we know something is there but are not acting on it. Then there are times when we are together where it felt fine...I guess the main issue is we so rarely have hung out in person, hanging out mroe will end this. Though i think- hope- this works. And that i don't hurt her, or her me.

Before i forget, all of you, this friday, no school, we are sooooooooooooooo going to go see DBZ movie, got it? Kay, kay. good. Spread this to Ben, and whoever else we want to invite, kay?

Now onto the usual ranting, probably condensed since i am tired.

Lets see hung out with Dad bro and his frined for food and swimming. Getting sick of everyone all the time telling me "Stop acting superior" "why feel superior" "your not that great" when we are argueing or debating or anything like that. During times when you are trying to prove your right, when you should act like that. God fuck it. Every time they do that they act just like i am, making themselves hypocritical bastards, what you want me to think i am wrong and act as if you are right and argue, yeh, not working.

Lets see, went to Racheal's birthday. It was fun when me, Tay, and her where the only ones there. Maria then came and it was fine. Laura then came. And for a while it was good. But the last hour started to annoy me.

the girls did that aggrivating thing that just gets me alone time and solitude where they decide "Hey, lets ditch all our other friends, go and do other shit, leaving them alone" like always. Which is where i lose the fun joy, and get doubts.

And i am sick of people taking my phone. messing with it and roughly handling it. They choose to only do idiotic stuff with irraplacable or expensive things. This stuff loses me the poems i wrote and don't remember. Or break my wii. IT is aggrivating. Laura deleted pictures because they had her. Even though she left the newest ones and oldest (of the day) of her. If it was ones that where in akward positions i could understand (I don't know if there where, I just hit take and save all the time) but she deleted a ton, many where zoom ins on Racheal's sister and friends, with out her, and others just a group picture of all of them. Most fine. Which aggrivates me, i....i don't know why but pictures i take hold a signifigance like my writing, a one time thing i can't replicate, i rarely delete and hate deleting. Ask me not to use em, or do anything fine, but don't make me get rid of them. And if these things bug you so badly i can't even keep them just because i hate deleting, most likely i will will. But...with the few things i keep sacred, don't just take and delete them. don't just get rid of data on things like pokemon, or the few things i work at like yugioh...eh, i am just complaining. But, so little i hold dear, picture, writing, my yugioh decks....It is wierd, they are the few things i can find any pride in at all... It is the only things. Everything big i do gets shot down, and just is destroyed by others. My jokes are stolen and bellittled, accomplishments destroyed. so now...I have little pride or caring in anything. So the times when i can win in pokemon, or in yugioh. When i can actually look at something i write and like it and not think "whats it matter, i suck at this" when i actually feel good about it, or when i look at a picture, and it just makes me smile because i took it...God, it is all i have now-a-days. Oh well. Whats done is done. That is life.

And i am saddened by how akward laura gets when the fact we dated is mentioned. She looks at me, and then away, and it either is guilt or regret. Or just feeling akward. But if it is regret...if it was like her and tay, where they barely talked, had one kiss, and end, i could understand her regretting thinking like that. But i don't want her thinking of herself as insane and stupid for dating me. I don't want the fact that i opened up, adn she did to be something she shouldn't have done, i don't wnat everything we did having been wrong...i don't want that thing we called "love", what i use to feel, to be something bad....No, i don't want to be another thing where i was just a mistake, my parents treat me like that....hell everyone does. I am useless, and a mistake. Oh well...

And i hate that laura harms me so, even if not meaning. I hate that i can't control and still want to feel and relapse in my feelings for her. God, i hate myself, i am pathetic. I hate how whenever she gives me a serious look and tone...even if i did soemthing that should not deserve it... I feel like such a stupid piece of crap and hate myself and everyone else.

But in the end, i went back inside and left everyone else during the last hour or so in the party. Went a bit depressed and confused. And i went through my usual hatred of myself, and wanting someone to come and help me, try to save me, even though i pushed them away. Oh well. I don't blame anyone but myself.

...And man. Listen. God. I don't think i believe in you. But god, you have one bit of thing on me from peer pressure, from nostaligic want from when i was young...and my confusion...I want to believe in you. But i can't...maybe i should give it another chance...Eh, forget it, most of this blog is going away today...
i feel better. Oh well. I just need a nap. Tomorrow all will be well in my mind haha. It is feeling better. Haha. Wanna talk to Emily, Molly, and Jess...the eighth graders in general. Since unlike the 9ths they don't make me feel so shitty. Hell, not 9ths, everyone. The 8ths, i fit with them, feel good. Haha. Oh well. This whole blog made me feel better. Now don't know why i felt like it. xD Yay ADHD. Haha. Still have my body feeling stressed and shitty.

But now, I feel good. But probably won't talk much tommorow. I wanna duel. Damnit. This is my big hting, the one thing i feel and am good in. I need to duel.

Bored.

SWEET! I got Katamari, adn i got Rai-oh. Adn my deck has gotten to be fucking awesome.

And ya know. I am sick of waiting for laura. I am giving up. I should get someone else. Although. I know none of you want to try to get past my love of myself. *hugs myself* I love youuuuuuuuuuu. But hell. If anyone asks. I will probably accept.... If you can convince myself. He is over protective, and jealous. *hugs myself* *kisses myself* I am so damn hot...