Sunday, July 29, 2012

Endings Beginnings

Man. It has been a wild one. Ya know, these last 4 years I have used this place as my aid, my ally, my weakness, my strength.

But now...One month and I will be in college.

One month and everything starts anew.

Yet with that, everything is back a bit like it started.

So much has change, and so much has stayed the same.

But you know, I'm damn excited. It is an adventure. I love ya all.

With the events of the last few days, hell, weeks, I guess everything has come to an end.

With that, this arc is over, and I am retiring this, it will sit here for people to read. But I am done with it.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Story

Okay, been bored, high on meds right now, wanna write this random scene in head, mostly dialogue, but I really ahve liked it.

To nonexistent readers, background for scene.

Maro just told Sera he couldnt be near her anymore. Usual stupid im-dangerous since he is about to make a deal with Fairy queen, putting those he knows in danger. Elena is his friend, dating Dano who has become his best friend over last few months.








Elena bursts into the room glaring at Maro, "What in the fucking hell?"

"How did you get in?" Maro questions simply, avoiding her gaze and question.

"You told Sera you guys couldnt talk anymore? what bullshit is this? I thought you two were close as hell." She exclaims (Boy do I suck at writing nowadays. )

Maro sighs, "It's more complicated...I can't....I won't hurt her and put her in danger."

"Really? that is your damn excuse. You already have hurt her, asshole, she is in tears back there!"

Maro looks up at her in confusion, "What?"

"she has feelings. Most people don't handle someone they care about just ending everything for no reason well." Elena tells him coldly.

"I..."

"You what, you didn't think? You never think except about your damn self." She yells.

this time maro turns to glare at her, "Really? You think that? I have to spend every day planning how I can manage to keep myself from getting kicked out of the council. How to protect my family. How to stop all this shit that comes my way. I am subjugated to hell for having been a carrier of Forgotten powers, for being the son of one of the biggest council traitors ever, for having to take over a whole Sector after Sosun. And I have to fight to keep that claim, which I dont want, just so I can keep my family safe and so they cant execute me because of my damn dad, who I never even knew. I may have to make a deal with someone I never wanted to see again, and call in a favor I never wanted to call in. So maybe I am being selfish."

"Maro..." Elena whispers, "You can't just push everyone away. We are all here for you. I know Dano hasnt known you long, but yo and him are best friends. And Sera...She likes you a lot too. I know we cant be like Shiro and hte others, but we care. I care."

Maro sighs, "I...I've lost so many people already. I can't handle losing anyone else," He whispers, "my family wouldnt leave if I tried. Neither would you or Dano...but Sera...I can't hurt her. It terrifies me to even consider the thought of it. And I will hurt her, I know it."

Elena sits down by him, stroking his face softly, "Maro, honey, my friend...Don't you think that it should be her decision to make? "

Maro looks down at his hands, then stands up and walks to the door, " Im sorry, I just...I need to get some fresh air. "




Maro sits on the park bench, staring into the night sky as he watches the fireflies dance under the stars, "what am I gonna do..."

then he feels a light shifting of the bench and the smell of vanilla, "Hey..." He hears Sera say as she leans against him lightly.

"It's gorgeous out tonight," Maro says to her, "Don't you think?"

With a small smile she gives an agreement, "Do you always come to this spot?"

"Yeah, it is peaceful, serene, calming, ya know. I always found this place wonderful to think, and it is something beautiful ."

"I agree," she says, then looks at him, then asks with some reservation, "What are you thinking about?"

"I...There is no way to get through to council on my own, I may have to call in a deal..." He says looking at her, then looking away, "And I ...I'm sorry, this could hurt people, and I didnt want to hurt you...I shouldnt have done what I did."

"Hey, if it hurts me, so be it, I am strong and can handle it," She tells him quietly as her hand moves over his and squeezes it, "You are my best friend, I want to be with you through this."

Maro looks at her and whispers, "You are my best friend too...but I lost Sosun, I lost Michael, Horatio, my parents...I almost lost my life, then I think about losing you and it scares me, more than anything has scared me in recent times, and I...I just don't..." He starts saying, fumbling for words, before he leans over and kisses her.

Her eyes open wide and she pushes him back, "What the hell?"

Maro starts stuttering, "I...just...I didn't know what to do...I've never done this before," He says as his face moves into his hands, "It works in the movies..."

"Well it is really damn confusing after you just said you didnt want to be friends earlier!" she exclaims blushing, "And I highly doubt you have never done this before. Everyone has told the stories."

"No, I haven't done this...tried to say how I actually cared, how I felt. Every other time I just went for...things." He says with increasing anxiety.

"Sex Maro, it is called sex. I know you have had it, I have had it, we are adults, we can say sex. " Sera says looking at him with a laugh, her cheeks still slightly red.

"Gah, stop making this more awkward!" He tells her, and starts laughing.

After a small giggle she looks at him, "So...how do you feel about me?"

He looks at her, then says, " I like you, a lot more than I have anyone else...And I don't know what I am doing on this."

She looks at him confused, "You really have never done this before have you?"

"No..." He says with slight embarrassment.

She then smiles, and leans over kissing him on the cheek, "It is kinda adorable."

He smiles back as he squeezes her hand, and she squeezes his back, "So, we are doing this? What if it ends badly?" He asks, worry creeping into his voice.

"We will figure it out when it happens, if it does," She tells him, then kisses him again, and he kisses back happily.

"Holy shit!" They hear, as they see Elena and Dano in front of them. Instantly pulling apart and moving to opposite sides of the bench, blushing and startled.

Dano looks at them, "That is definitely not 'killing each other' , I think I win that bet."

Elena elbows him roughly, "I told you guys to make up and be friends again, not make out!"

Maro and Sera look at them, "What are you two doing here?" Sera questions.

"You really bet on whether we were killing each other or not?" Maro says with a laugh to Dano, giving him a thumbs up.

"Oh yeah, to the tune of a nice Lincoln." Dano says returning the thumbs up.

Both boys find elbows digging into their sides, "We were worried so we came to check up on you, I see we shouldnt have been." Elena tells her friend.

"Yeah, it does seem that way, doesnt it?" Sera says.

Elena grabs her wrist and starts pulling her away, "We have to talk now, come on"

Sera stumbles up and follows her friend, "Uh, text me?" She says to Maro, "Wait, nevermind , I know you hate it."  she adds, then waves goodbye, saying they will talk later.

Dano looks at him, "Well, that was interesting. To say the least. Wanna go chill out, I think you need it?"

Maro looks at Dano, then stands up and stares at the stars, and starts walking to their room, "You got that right man, you got that right. I ain't sure what the hell just happened" he says with a laugh.

Then looks down at his phone, and sends a text to Sera, murming to himself, "I may hate texting, but I still wanna text you."

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Idiocy

I am not quite sure how my thoughts found this good.

So you know Emily and others have and look at my reddit.

Run away from reddit, use this for personal stuff.

Knbow people may see this

Dont turn it private

Stupidly post about it on reddit

Still dont turn private

Dont delete post.

Whut.

But man, I have been thinking about so many things. I wish...I was not here. I just wanna be with like Molly. Or Alex.

I miss Alex. I cant wait to see her again. If she comes up for Ohayocon that will be the best birthday gift ever. And molly too, so amazing a gift.

Heh, you know, it is weird, thinking about it...Alex is the only one who has believed in me, been happy at the idea of me doing something, or getting somewhere, and encouraged me for things...since Emily.

Hell , I cant even do that for myself.

God. I have the best friends. I am one of the luckiest people ever.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

fallbacks

Doing it again. Im trying to make something from nothing. Trying to be insulted or relieved by anything. You need this. To do what you've said. Your usual advice. Keep to it.

Stop being crazy. Calm down. Think logical. Or at least don't breakdown.

Don't keep to these old habits.

Must change...

Head is pounding...

Ow.

God. What is wrong with me.

I should talk to someone...

Im so lost. But I can't admit it...tell Molly. Tell Alex. Someone...

Saturday, June 30, 2012

musings

I like these one word titles, seem cooler to me. Do they seem cooler to you reader-I-hope-doesnt-exist?

Ive been thinking about friends a lot recently, it is all very strange, this last month has turned everything around.

I dont know where I stand with Emily now.

I became best friends with Molly now.

I ended a perfectly great friendship with Rachel, whom i enjoyed a ton, out of respect for someone I think still hates me.

I finally severed ties to Tay, who was one of my closest friends for years.

And I have realized just how insanely much I care about Alex. It is scary, in a way. I really do love her. I mean, I thought leaving her would be easier...but it was impossibly hard. I was practically in tears, I didnt want to let her go, and I had become so accustomed to her in 5 days. Her being there with me was natural, normal,needed. And leaving almost brought me to tears.

Heh, then again, she was last person to bring me to tears in a good way back when she got me that birthday gift.

How do Shawn and Bunny/ Alex and Zach handle parting...Me and Alex are just friends (well, even if we act like mroe than that) and it killed me so much to leave her.

And it is so strange, here I am, visitng a girl for a few hundred dollars, someone I have met less times than fingers-on-a-hand. Someone who I trust fully, consider my best friend, and unconditionally love. Someone I didnt meet until two years later, and didnt see for another two years. Yet she is so naturally part of my life.

How the hell did all this happen?

Would it have happened if not for simple little events? What if I decided not to add her on aim, or not to join that roleplay.

All those little decisions add up.

It is amazing.

But back to musings on friends...

Alex is probably my closest. Hell, I can tell her most everything, for me that is a rare accomplishment. I have so many trust issues.

Then there is Molly, who I became way too close to so short a time, and love it. She is only other person I can tell most everything to , and a few other sexy things for her. Cause dammit molly has a fun life and gets me.

Shawn is by far the best bro I got, I cant even understand how lucky I am to have met him. I can confide, trust, and get help from him on so much. I love that guy.

Ben is still my longest and one of the best bros ever.

Cam...Im not as close to him as I would like. But I love that guy so much. He is grand.

Laura too.

Blaine and Will are two of the people I trust the most. And rest of bitchifiers...

Hess too, even if she makes me go insane.

But man, I was so certain about so many people. Now only half a dozen that live here. Hell, if even that. Jess, Shawn, ben, Jenni, laura...maybe emily ... are friends I enjoy actually seeing.

The rest live in different states or countries. Well, Zach lives in Cincy.

But man, everything is changing so fast, and i dont know how to handle it.

It is kinda scary.

God, I need to learn to drive, three months till september. I wanna visit molly and meet up with Alex so bad...

Then they will hopefully be here for ohayocon...That will be a grand birthday gift.

Man, life is turning upside down.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Temp spot to think

Man, itll be awkward if this is found. But man. I just...Stargazing, even if a bit cold out here. It is cleansing. Really utterly cleansing. Lets me think a little better.

Lets me figure out what I would say...what I want to say.





Okay, I know we arent, or at least havent been on good terms, and I don't know if I think we can ever be. Let alone if I deserve to be. But...Well, I was gonna wait a bit until I thought things were going better. But it seemed Reddit turned against me.

I have so little idea how to say this, because really, I have so little idea exactly what I want to say. It is insanely difficult, and I dont wanna mess this up.

But I have to do something, say something, right? I cant just be the same coward I have been, I am going into a new section of life. And I have to change, I use to be gung-ho for it, and I honestly want to believe I have changed, but one thing I lost is my ability to do what I need to. I never had second thoughts about saying things, but now I have become passive, fearful, overly cautious, thinking time will make it better.

But it wont. I have to take action.

And you know, honestly, it terrifies me to do that. Because this is not some stupid little thing, this is not some random vice, some activity i will regret for ten minutes and be fine, some little thrill, some purchase.

This is a friendship. Or whatever is left of one. And I suppose, deeper, for me, this is everything I have been hiding from, and every personal issue I tried to pretend does not exist.

The fact is, in these two plus years, through all my feelings about you, no matter what I thought, no matter what I wanted, no matter what I said, it has been consistent to one simple thing: I never have quit viewing you as a friend.

I know, this is silly, pathetic, and probably a bit desperate sounding. But through the years I have been trying to change myself so hard, I have been trying to get a grip, and I've lost so much of the stupid urges I have had. And the one thing that has been increasing is how much I have valued emotional attachment, and in the end I have had the same regret. Hurting you, and never truly apologizing to you.

I know I have apologized before, but how pathetic were all of them, desperate apologies in bad times , were I wanted to feel. I wanted a fairytale ending, that was horrible of me.

But I want you to know, during these years I have regretted how I acted in so many ways. And I have truly been trying to change, I really truly have. I have been trying to control that stupid lust, and I have been trying so hard to stop caring so much just about me. I've been trying to work harder at being a better person.

I guess in the end, the deranged hopes in my mind was that at the very least, even though I don't think i deserve another chance, I could maybe be someone who earned some respect.

Or even more...someone who I could respect.

And I guess that is one of the core issues that has led to my hesistancy. You scare me utterly and completely. Because you still matter to me, I still view you as a good friend, and old habit die hard, cause your opinion still matters to me (I know, you'd think I could stop caring after two years, but I never was good at giving up friends...) and that is terrifying. Especially because I still think of all the pain I have caused you, and I feel so horrible. I feel like a monster again.

And I just always want to apologize, but I never can come up with words to sufficently express how I feel, hell, even this seems pathetic to me. I dont know how to say I am sorry in a way that is not just pathetic words-in-the-wind. And I want to do this in person, but I honestly dont think i could without freaking out, becoming incoherent, or letting the emotions that have confused me for so long come out.

I mean, I was realitively sure I knew who I trusted, what I liked, what I wanted. But then at my grad party you showed up...And honestly, I couldn't have been happier. And then us hanging out at more parties, and everything just flowing smoothely, our talks, our bitching, gossiping , joking...It felt like old times. I loved every minute of it.

But I have been so scared by it. Because it gave me a small glimmer of hope. That maybe, maybe I am reedeeming myself in some way, you know? Maybe there is a chance, especially with how we can back to acting like great friends again.

Yet I stil constantly am confused, because I remember to myself every time "I hate you, and no, there is nothing you can do to make things right" and I want to tell myself that it has been over two years. We have both changed, we are in many ways whole new people, almost strangers. Yet I keep having that doubt "Maybe I havent changed, maybe I am still that terrible creature. that monster. "

And it overpowers me. Every time I want to say something, yet I cant. I just cant bring myself to say anything.

But I need to, dammit I need to. I even have Shawn and Ben both telling me I need to...

Except if I say something, it is no longer just a small dream, a hope,a lie I can live with. It becomes real. Make or break. And I dont know if I can handle that. Handle knowing that possibly everything I think is right, maybe I am a monster .

Or...Maybe somehow, maybe somehow we can try again, even if never as strong as before. That is terrifying too. Because then...Then I have no idea how to go from there. and I have no idea what to say or do. And what do you do when that stupid and vain hope you dreamt because it could never be...what do you do when that dream-that-cannot-happen happens?

Especially since every other time I have tried to rekindle, it never really happens. Sure, Clint, Scott, Corey, Bren, and a few others I talk to occasionally. But they are barely there.

And I will be at college soon, I could lie, pretend, hide away adn try to restart life away from people with new friends.

But I dont want that.

I want to say this, i want to apologize. Because dammit i cant be like rachel and never apologize, I need to admit how horrible I was.

I need to believe I really have been trying to change.

I need to convince myself somehow I have changed.

I need to tell you how utterly sorry I am for everything I did, all the abuse, the stupid cruel words because I was afraid of getting close to you, the stupid lust, the everything.

I need to thank you, thank you for being so straight with me over the years. For kicking my ass when it needed kicked. For making me realize full well how big an ass I was. For giving me so many chances I never deserved. For that time when I was depressed and you reminded me of my 'carpe diem' philosophy. And most of all...For being an amazing friend, even when I was a horrible one, and even worse of a boyfriend.

I just need to say this, yet I can only write it in this. And I am not trying to get another chance, or even try to become friends again. Because I know I dont deserve it. And I know this became too much of a self-pity excuse filled letter. But I just...I want to thank you, and to apologize. Because even if it does nothing, and this is ignored. At least I can know for myself...Know I did do it. To prove to myself, in some way I changed.

And to know I gave you what you deserved, rather than me being just another coward.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Man these dreams are becoming fucked up.

Man. It is so hilarious realizing how hypocritical I am xD I am putting pictures of me and Alex up when i diss pictures like that. Then again the most recent was Jess, and those are all creepy. Then here I am bored adn finding myself wishing Alex and Molly were available again. Barely getting to talk to them this week sucks. Then again Alex probably would talk, but she is with emily, wanna let them have their fun. And damn 11 hour time difference with Molly xD

Suddenly these blogs are getting views. Whatdafux. Dammit may need to make new one to hide from people so I dont get another Reddit incident.

Man, walking with a ghost is such a fun song.

Hrm, god, I forgot how wonderful of a feeling finishing a deck and having it work is.

God, I wish Sam and Will were around here. They are some of the best.

God, I hate texting.

Man. I should probably use this to sort out feelings better...

Or just ramble to myself. Yeah. Ramble seems better. Less risk.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

DAmmit dammit dammit dammit.

Almost. Something good almost happens. But Sarahs parents say no. God damn. She will be right around here. I really wanted to meet her. Dammit.

And I still am forcing myself to feel more than I should.

Fuck all of this. Dammit.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Mopey mope mope. Moper mcmoping. Im mopey. Mopey poetry.
I dont like these feelings. I like being single. dammit. Life was so much easier not caring about people, and just wanting sex. I barely even have a sex drive now. so fucked up. Dammit all. And everyone I need to talk to is vacationing or something. Fuck.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Timing.


Oh look. I am back here. Again. I guess I always end up right back here. Every time to the start.



It is my weak clutch.



I just have not felt good since here. Shit fell back down in due time.



Emily...Fuck she found my reddit post. Dammit. I shoulda known it would happen. Why did I still post there thinking it safe? Why am I posting here thinking it is mine adn safe.



It was just bad timing. Timing. I was gonna do it on my own time, let her know when it was the right time. Now everything is out there before I wanted...I couldnt even go adn say what I wanted to in person. Right there at bens. I am such a fucking coward.



And then, more fun awkward timing. I fell for someone else. And this time it seems almost real. Why cant I fall for someone who is not a bad idea? Why cant i fall for someone in this state. Dammit, here I am falling for sam and sarah and other girls. What is my problem...



And why am I caring? So much. I just...I am fine being single, yet here I am wanting to try with someone.



Dammit. I finally got to a point I dont just want sex, I want something that means something. I want a chance. I want to restart. I want another chance...



Yet here I am. I feel pathetic. Scared. I...still feel like the same horrible monster i have felt like for years. A useless creature. I dont deserve affection or a chance. I am a monster.



I am so scared.



And I want to talk to someone, but I...just dont know. I cant bring myself to do it. I am so terrified. And it feels so silly. And if I speak about this...god it can mess up shit.



Why am I falling for people I shouldnt. Why cant i forget lost friendships and let them go.



Dammit. I have no hope, and I feel so useless and horrible. And I have been so sad, and just upset recently and I cant get over it.



And I am here. How did I end up back here.



Dammit...



I just dont have good timing.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I guess this is just for when I relapse.

Why can't I stop wanting my friend back. Its been years. Its pointless anyways. The Emily I knew is not the Emily there is...

Im pathetic. I still get so upset about missing her friendship. Almost two years later.

Absolutely pathetic.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

God Alex is so great. I'm tearing up from happiness. I don't know, so few ever do anything like that for me. And when I've been Particularly depressive it means so much more. God I love her so much.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Nononono why am I falling for her nononono why why am I that dumb. She isn't even in this country. I hate long distance...

Why am I still wanting Emily's advice...

Why am I so stupid...

I hate this.
And god dammit, no, don't offer phone back...nononono. If I have it back I can fall to old issues...and have no excuse to ignore people. Nononono...

God no....

What is wrong with me?

Friday, February 17, 2012

Annnd still fucking up.

Still cant stop saying stupid shit.

Still cant fucking be motivated, such a lazy fucker...

Oh and even when I study adn fucking know shit, I am still failing everything in physics.

Why cant i get it...why am I choking so so badly...

Why do I hurt my friends...

God dammit. I am useless.

Keep fucking up my grades, my future, hurting the damn half a dozen I actually give a shit about...

Cant get the thing I should be good at. I am fucking struggling in math and physics.

And am ruining my future.

What is wrong with me...

Monday, February 13, 2012

It's a bit odd, I feel like so many dynamics are changing, I'm just being so cool hardy and stubborn.

But I've been thinking of Em a bit recently, ever since her party (which went off great and god, I forgot how much I love making her smile, it's a great feeling making your best friend smile...or old one) when me and her talked. It was just so...serenely great, me and her had a nice decently long talk, mostly us two with Tay listening of "remember the time I did that?" "oh god yeah, remember when I did this?" and laughs. Like old times, simple, just good friends again. I miss that, a lot. Nothing changes how great that was, how it made me remember the good stuff I forced myself to forget, not even the romantic things, just all the jokes and laughs we've had over the years...

I guess no matter how I try, while I'm still here she will always mean something, be someone I want to reconcile with, someone I trust. And I'm not sure if that is as bad as I thought ya know, I mean it's not me vainly hoping for romance, god that is past. And I love her and Tay together, they are really great, hilariously fun too. But is it bad to still want to be friends with the one person I ever truly trusted?

I mean, I dunno, with her...god how hilariously weird is our story? She was scared by me, eventually we somehow became friends, then best, she had a funny crush on me, eventually I shared it, and we became everything...then nothing again.

And it's odd....even if I did everything wrong and in my mind have a dozen things I want to do over , it's the only relationship I really take serious of my three, and don't call an idiotic child's thought, something ignorant and unknown

And I guess this is just repeating the same tale I always tell, and Alex and random ghost reader , if even those two, are sick of me telling this one.

But I guess I'm always gonna be sorry. And ya know, I really do wanna just restart, and go again and have my friend back.

Stupid deluded wish, especially with how little I try to make it better. Then again I guess a party I planned is more than little... But oh we'll.

Cause in the end, I really need to restart everything. I'm stuck with the past, but everything, everyone, has changed. I mean look at me giving a damn, look at Laura being so full of emotions , look at everything. I gotta grow up and accept change.

And accept I'm not as close as I wish I was to some anymore. And most may just be out of reach, and stop letting past haunt me.

And I need to really accept Laura aint the person I want her to be and deluded myself into thinking she was, she ain't the one or the perfect comparison, and she ain't the model to compare to. It's a sitcom want of mine, and I gotta drop it. Face it, Emily was the best I ever had. And in the end you can't tell who will matter.

And I gotta move on. (repeat of same old story) , I don't know. I guess I still desperately need someone I could fall for.

I just gotta forget the concept of "the one"

God I've watched to much how I met your mother.

And I know you don't read, but sorry again.

And to all bothering to read, sorry bout rambley mess.


Oh and there was depression and grounding I shoulda talked bout, oh well

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

How silly of me. When will I learn this hope is pointless. Nothing ever realty changes. Especially when I don't even try to change it.

Im so pathetic.

I hope this sickness ends.

I hope I get outta here soon.

This town is offering me less and less as the days go by. Im caring less and less. Wanting less and less.


A scenery change would be grand.

So very grand

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Well...this is a day to change shit.

Practically failed shit in school. Hate self a ton.

Foreveralonefest. Kelly and the girl he likes just...well she has no idea what she wants, and to solve may ignore him.

Will got dumped, and I think he is quite upset but wont talk to me...hope nothing bad happemed...

I used a roundabout way to ask Laura out...she gave me roundabout answer. Not sure what it is. Guessing no. So close to just saying it. Imma pussy.

Then I may now go to ohayo. Kinda hope I can stay with Barton, Laura, Cheyenne, and Morgan....

Though I know there will be drinking. Dunno if I want.

And I don't know if I can handle if Laura picks up a dude.

But why the fuck am I hypocritical on this. I've made out with people in recent times, and other shit. And if Larissa had not had cockblocking friend I'd have messed around with her at sugoi....

God. What am I doing. What do I want...


Oh well.


























And its early. But...happy birthday Em...even though you wont read this. And it wont matter.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

God. Sam may be able to visit round Prom time. How amazing would that be. I really can't wait for a chance to see her.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Im letting everything fall.

I don't know why.

But im rescinding.

People are...something I am subconsciously cycling through.

I don't know why.

Im practically failing some classes.

And over two years...and the occasional urge to send Emily the new song I fall for to see her opinion and talk with her is there...

Did we ever even trade songs? I barely remember our old habits.

God. Why am I so stuck on the past.

Besides the fact that none of it applies. And im only now catching on.

Everything is different.

And it scares me.

Especially because I don't know who or what to trust.

And fuck Maria, "you know what's funny, you like Laura and she hates you" fuck that, I doubt that is even close. Even if she doesn't like me I don't see hate as being true.

Yet...its made me doubt. Fear. Worry. Its made me sad. Pained.

Why. Why dammit?

When did I become so pathetically fragile?

Video Games is an amazing song.

But God...the only thing still close to how I use to be even just last year is Yugioh. How sad is that?

And romance...God im stuck on that. Especially not knowing what the Fuck I want. Do I even want Laura? If I reallt did I'd man up and stop turning it into a game.

I know it wouldn't work.

But...do I care? Or do I want something simple?

Or do I want something forever?

Why am I back on this crutch?

Because you're so far between everything you don't know what you want.

Hell even my newest loves I doubt. Newest interests....

I just...


I don't know.

I hope osu accepts me.

I need a new place. A new life.

How funny. Some things have gone full circle high school life...

Except...Laura is now the one who is so friendly, so madly in love with making friends...

Me? I am cutting them down in real life...not even sure who matters to me. Not wanting these newones here.....

I wish I could try again. I just don't know what.

I probably shouldn't dwell on the past...

But God. They've become do different.

Clint...Emily....Laura...scott...Taylor...I wonder if they're all as confused and freaked out as I am?

Who knows.

Oh well. I better sleep before I get sad.

But...I still feel awful. Jessica Perkins was upset ...her friend died. And when she said it..."oh" I could only message over text.

Im a damn coward. She tried to talk to me, always asked if im alright after I broke down....I couldn't say anything sides text.

Dammit.

I've become a coward. And that's not even something I know will have me hurt like if I tried for Laura...

I need someone new. God I do.


Not even for romance...I need someone entirely new. Something strange. Ive never seen before...

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

How horrible am I... I can't remember anything of how I felt. Did I really just cauterize and destroy all emotions and memories of how I was with Emily...really. I can't remember the happiness. The sadness. The pain...

I can't remember it with so many things...


If life is just my culmination of all that happens how can I be anything like this?


God dammit. I am so scared. Nothing is going right. This is utterly terrifying. I don't know who I trust. Worse I don't want to trust anyone past Alex and Laura and shawn....and I can't even bring myself to do that as much as I should.

And I am so useless. Im ducking everything up. I am pathetic.

And why am I so scared....

I don't even know why I am so upset...

Heh...fuck. 15 days and ill be 18...a few more and Emily will be 17.

God damn. I should never have let her or Clint get such firm roots in my mind. So connected to me...

I want to restart. How awful is that.

I just...God so much is screwed beyond repair here...

And I never can make amends. No matter how I try.

It all disappears. They all disappear.

Clint. Emily. Maria. Rachel. I barely have Taylor. Barely keeping with Alex, God that's been strained...Lost Bren...scott....almost all the people I ever trust most I have fucked up with...

God why am I so depressedright now...

And why does it never stay. How horrible is that. Tomorrow ill be peppy and this will be gone....

I should just stop. People aren't worth it right now.

Just gotta focus on self...

I guess...

I wish...I wish I knew what to do....to say...

I wish I got less second chances.

And only got them were I truly needed them.

I wanna restart so bad...