I know it probably doesnt matter. And doesnt seem it, and wont help...But i want to say. For everything, for myself, all of the shit. I really truly still am pathetically sorry. I wish i could prove it. But god i dont know how. But dammit, I really am trying a lot. But sorry. I really truly am.

New guilt and comics to put me in some strange perspective that hopefully lasts. And pizza.

Always pizza.

But you know. I feel like shit, but wotn go into why now...well mentioned it to alex, but that is only person i will break my code and talk to it about.

Also, on alex, why is it for some reason unless i specifically mention her by name, or ben, or kelly, i just naturally exempt her from anything i say here? In my mind. Specially directing things to lots of people. Odd.

Back on subject. You know, I've been broken and sad, but the true depressing part of all this shit, even with my mind fuck...Hell, i lost the one thing i always kept some grasp on, some idiotic, pointless, stupid, cliched, grasp on. No matter how it went, even through my cynicalness and pessimism, I kept it.

Hope.

I mean, it is why i am developing a connection to saint walker, and the blue lantern corps (one of hope) (Also Blackest night rules) and liked the oath a ton.

But you know. I can make my own damn hope. Even in blackest night. Sure, shit sucks, but i have been through worse.

There is scrubs. There is rootbeer. There is tengen toppa and One piece. There is alex, and ben, and tay, and everyone.

What the hell was i thinking all this time ?

And more shit cometh.

I hate this...I cant even get fucking bren to talk to me anymore...Everyone is enjoying themselves, doing all this stuff for different things...I am falling deeper into a hole i cant climb out of...suffocating....And i am considerring what i said i would never do...really...truly, condsidering it...

I was gonna actually tell how i truly feel right now. But you know. It is not even worth it.

Heh... guess i still am not past everything. so weak... i am so damn weak. and i have pushed everyone i know away so they dont even want me to complain to them, let alone me wanting to talk to them. so here i am talking to myself about everything, and in the end...what scares me most? how alone i feel, and how i dont even want to be wtih someone. I honestly dont want romance. yet...i do. confused? same. i....i....i just...what the hell i dont fucking know. I like my job and friends i guesss, yet i am to the point where romance annoys me, and i think it makes no sense, i am having fun as a single person, all that stuff. yet romance talk and everything annoys me rigth now. probably the insane amount that has to be surronding me all the fucking time. i get no break...and i feel happy for you all, i really do. but hell, i cant even escape my dreams torturing me about it...

god i feel exactly like lewis black...only laura will understand that though...but man...I empathize with that book so much...

and dreams...fucking dreams...that fucking dream girl...i love her...

I am just delving deeper into anger, but now, now it is apathy. You know. I seem to have lost all connections to everyone, but i dont give a flying fuck anymore. Heh. I dont tell you guys my problems, you urge me to tell you all. I try and talk, rarely can I get an answer or even an ear to listen to me. Hell. Out of the what, ten people who have told me "if you ever need help talk to me" I am pretty sure Alex is the only damn one in past like, 6 months to talk or listen to me. Maybe lee and kasha. Heh. But you now the only damn person i can get to talk to me in any way is kasha. Hell, even Jeremy who use to be harder to get not to text me than to get to text me does not text me anymore.

But you know, fuck it, i guess, in the end. Like usual, mostly due to my own actions, I am falling back on myself and being alone. And my only escape is once again yugioh and yugioh friends.

Oh wait, that is wrong and cruel isnt it. Oh the fuck well. Half of you are sick of me or giving up on me. Or at least i know i am. And in the end half of my relationships are going to hell. Heck, aside from kasha molly is the only person i have had an actual conversation with in the last two weeks.

And in the end, it comes back to that same fundamental depressing fact. I am always on the outside, even in groups. Dont try fucking with me and saying i am not, cause lets face it. I always end up the odd man out, either by circumstance or my own accord. I feel unwanted, invasive, and like i dont belong almost all the damn time.

So basically...If you want to talk to me, i dont care, toss me a text or something. But otherwise. I quit. I am done trying. I am done.

Man....I keep losing the ability to understand, no, i understand perfectly, care and act on things. And i cant find much value in anything once again.

I guess it is cause in the end I've lost communication with everyone...

And then i get complacent, and hurt more.

But you know, the worst, I am obsessed with that damn dream girl. Every other freaking thought drifts to her. And i know she is not real, i know i will never meet her, i know nothing i do matters for her...yet i remember the small portions of that dream...feel so enticed, so in Like, like i have found a chance...

But god dammit. That wont happen.

And while stuck on the thought of someone who wont exist, i hurt others.

Man. I gotta admit. This is a new loop, never quite been down this road before...

Gah...

wierd

I had a dream about a girl, except....she was not anyone real. Yet i still kinda feeling a longing and want and crush on her. Very odd.

And even in my romantic dreams the girl is a ginger xD

They may not have souls, but damn they look good.