I shall make this happy for one week to mess with all zero readers.

If Emily wants to hate me oh well, her problem, ill probably just unfrriend her or something. But who cares, life is too short for the past

And now. An ode to my deckbox.

Oh deck vault
U so shiny
you have evil looking skull
And make other decks cower in fear
And hold dice
SECRET MOTHER FUCKING DICE COMPARTMENT
U so so shiny
FYEAH DECK VAULT

If you still hate me so much just remove me as a friend...I hate that this shit still gets to me....one year and ill be free. A new start...

Wow. Seems Emily blocked me from seeing anything she does but didn't defriend me...wonder how...God dammit. And I thought things had been going good...I shouldn't feel so shitty about this. Oh well. Guess I should take my advice and just let it all go. Right? Wrong? Who knows

So success baby week so far:

Party with friends on epic adventure, settler of Catan. Then go deliver KAsha books, end up at Quiet Girls, then Jeremys, fun hour or two.

Pull godly with yugioh and have fun work day.

decent work today.

Managed to enjoy Circle and not hate it secretly or be bored or hate self.

Fixing things with Alex.

Actually, fully, completely thinking and planning to go visit her.

Ponies. EVERYWHERE. HYES.

but ill be dammed if i am not feeling a bit sad about past still...why i dont know. What of it is getting to me? >.<

That same cardnal flaw still Is there. Taking everything for granted and pride. Why can't you say to Alex how much she means., and then stop fucking taking her for granted and start treating her well, oh, I dunno, like a friend. God I am being so awful, and the best I could scavenge to say anything was how I didn't stop following her on SMS. Except I made it seem like an act of god. Why can't I say I purposefully only follow her on SMS and her blog. Why can't I detach her from the callous fear I have of the past and of maybe finally fucking getting over everything and truly move on. Why can't I grow the fuck up and apologize for treating her like shit.

Hell what am I even upset about, me and Emily can laugh and talk and act like friends to some degree again...or do I need everything to some semblance of how it was to get over my idiocy.

But really, god damn, what is my problem? Moving away from sexist ideals, done being that asshole extremist atheist who talks down religion and bitches about it for no real reason (none better than extremist religious fanatics, cough Miguel), im trying to support feminism and equality everywhere and stop being closeminded. I fucking going forward expanding friendships with new people and beig fine with old friends like Tay, I am fucking trying so hard to better myself...

Yet why do these demons stay dammit. Why can't I accept back the past, why can't I help further try the circle, why do I burn every bridge lashing out at Alex as if she is a cause rather than innocent, why don't I learn from these mistakes...what is holding me back from moving on.

Especially since all you wanna do every time your under the stars is ask her to help you plan a visit, and convince her to stay outside with you, watch the stars, and soldier on to the sunrise. I mean he'll, you barely wanna share that with Laura and you still dig her.

Man this got ramble, especially for how happy you've been...

Am I actually mad I have been happy'? Man, is that masochism or what?

Just...who knows. Who the fuck knows. I need rest.

How should I feel about the past. Dammit. I know past will never be fully attained. Even if I refriended Emily the spark and closeness is gone. And wth how much I've been fucking up same seems to be with Alex...

And can I look to the past and future?

And when the fuck can I stop being scared. Scared of what Alex or Emily or others think and shy about me. Their judgement. Their truth.

God I dunno.

But yet...im happy...

Im left behind and its my fault...I really don't know how to feel