Sometimes I hate how stupid my brain is. God dammit. Why is it so hard to just truly not care.


Lush. Laura wants to bring booze to sugoi or Nyquists party and I had to make sure she doesn't do any of it while Emily's around. God forbid.

But why. I don't even like her...so why am I protecting. She led me on for months. She continually abused me and got mad at me, saying I was falling for Alex when I wasn't. All while she was falling for taylor. Yet if I suggested it jokingly it was horrible of me.

And I couldn't even get a hug or kiss unless I turned her on night before. And I told her I felt bad having to do that. But forgetting the fact that she made me do that for romance, I never tried for romance o ly list, and she was pure an innocent.

She emotionally abused me, lied, led me on and treated me like shit...

So why did I protect her or want to. Even in the most minute way...

Especially when she disgusts me so much often now. In her urge to get basic equality or go. Against other stuff she has become just as radical and close minded. I mean, I remember how little a persons religion or anything mattered to her, how happy, bright....loving she was and it was aabout who they were. None of the details mattered...

Oh well.

But why God damn. Why do I freeze up and hide and push everyone away when things get close.

I mean...Alex was only person I had after em to talk to. I cared so much. I still love her so much...but why can't I talk to her. Trust her. Why is it I feel one way but can't act on it. Its like a damn dream, except I can't act on it...I mean come on. Those few times I have we just went back like it was old times. But why can't I ever just message her to talk...or anything....and dammit I seriously wanted to visit....yet I don't try to do anything to forward this.

Im useless.

Then Laura...suddenly after I ask her out and I actually get a chance for it to happen, very likely chance....I suddenly have no feelings. I suddenly can't talk to her. I am scared.


Its even happening with Kasha...

God dammit. Am I really so scared of actually restoring bonds...of you know, being close to people again, that I keep away from them and I let myself become comfortable with being alone...

I guess I am living in a dream world. And in the end all Alex said is what I've known...if there is no action behind the feelings or thoughts, everything is empty words.


And I changed. I lost so much of what I was. I remember when if I thought someone was sad I would be relentless to try and find out and help. Now I don't fearing ill make it worse? I couldn't help? They would come to me if they really need it?


I've become the problem.

I disgust myself.

I was gonna text ya this alex, but apparently you stalk my blog, i feel a bit bad, and my phone died, and am lazy.

And I shouldnt -completely- ignore this place.

But listen, I wont lie this time. Im not gonna bother with the sugarcoating, bullshit, overly dramatic, etc. shit i always tell you. But here is the truth:

I know I have been a horrible friend, and i am sorry, I know I've been ignoring you and others, and even though I've seen that you are in pain and needed comfort, I just edged away adn didnt push to help whether you like it or not. and I ignored your blog because it risked making me...Feel, connect, remember, ya know?

I have been being a bit of an ass just from ommitence, adn I let our relationship fall back a good bit, which is pathetic of me. Admittedly you played a part too, but whogives a fuck all the details, cause less does not mean gone.

And I cant claim we are as close as we were, I wont tell you that, I dont wanna lie.

But when I said I will have your back, god damn girl, I meant that, okay? I know this is hypocritical of me, but even if I never start conversations, if you need to talk, actually say it. If you need a shoulder, i will be there.

You gotta remember, I am never one to deal with the stupid games, or catch on well (even though I do them to)

But god, i am here for you, and dont ever think i wont miss you, k?

And I love you.

And I know, I may not hold up like i want to with this, I may accidently forget to respond, be busy, or give shitty response that dont help...But god damn, you dont need to go alone with just Emily. Trust me.

Its what i started doing a while back, and sealing out you, laura, kasha, adn anyone who I use to fully trust was my biggest idiotic move ever, adn worse i conditioned myself to make that a habit i am still trying to break.

And I know, the pride part, teh worry of rejection, pain, the fear, makes reaching out hard.

But god damn, I am here, okay? I wish I could say i would always be here, and for all time at any moment and be Batman himself of help and that...but Emily will still probably be better...But I love you, I am here, and will always be willing if it permits, and even if I cant be the best, I will try my damn hardest to help.

So yeah...Guess you are still one of the few I care about to blog for, or ellicet emotion from me, and worry about what can happen staying close to you.

But man, i meant this to be short...

So...I am sorry, I love you wifey.