Damn. Slice if pizza and bag of chips is all I ate in 24 hours....really really feel bad.

Glass cuts deep and thin and really hurts...

Broke two flipsies on accident.

Comics got stolen.

Fuck. This. Week.

Odd day. Got attacked by seniors and loved it. Water ftw.

Got to see Laura's i-really-love-this-but-wont-admit-it smile with watch.

Got a hug when i gave Lindsey her watch. Pretty awesome. ( so Sue me, I still have tiny crush xD)

Sam seems to actually be considering inviting me to her party. Which would be pool party...she'd be pretty hot. And I totally think she digs me. And once again. Tiny crush. Sue me.

Got raped by hail.



Almost saw a crash.


Someone jacked my comics D:<

Still couldn't say how I feel to Laura.

You know. I think I fear acceptance more than rejection.

Funny. I think I fear Laura and Alex because they make me think and know me better than myself.


And you know. Letting go and accepting rage made me feel so much better recently.

And yeah. I know im being an ass on some of this. And a hypocrite. And that lots of this is my fault. But at least I admit that.


But man. I dunno how to deal with Laura. Do risks outweigh gains? Or vice versa. And if she says yes...what..

And really tired.. think I have minor head injury from hail. Head hurts. Bad.

Amazing weekend is amazing

God, such a great one. Such. A. Great. One.

God i love doctor who. I really do. Such a great show.

And you know, I am really glad, i think I actually have this as my place to myself again, rather than for others.

Its funny as everything falls into place

aha, you know, that is exactly it. What I was missing. I am pissed, I was bullshitting myself. It is not guilt i feel, no it is, but not over what i thought. And it is not all the different things i feel. Its rage. Hate. I dont care for you, you annoy me, honestly you are a hypocrite and piss me off. That is it. I dont care anymore, beyond the small bit i never can get rid of.

And you know, it is true, history repeats, a lot. Funny funny.

But you know, I can see full well whats going to happen, and it wont take long. I know what it will be and I find it amusing at how obvious it seems.

Oh man I am in a sadist mood.

But God, even driving I feel a bit confident on, with practice soon ill get better. Its like magic.
Or anything like it.

And really thinking I will ask Laura out. Ya know. Always better taking the risk.

Hahaha. Sense of self, sense of concept. Interesting interesting.

You know. In the end Laura probably has forever been my perfect person.

And you know. I wanna try weed. Its so...lacking in any real issue. Why is it bad?

Drinking im still iffy on.

Odd. I find some of the friends, the ones i care about I just dont...care to deal with. I like them, but have no worries over them. Its odd. Its like a theory not fact.

Then half of them i am really hating more and more.

And then Laura, dammit, i am falling too hard.

And failing at cooking cinnamon buns

Some people are so shallow. Realizing what Stephanie meant and said. God. I don't like vagueblogging. But on off chance someone reads this I don't want to start crap. But getting confirmed that she meant that...even if for a friend, that is so shallow it is sickening...

Dammit, i keep falling more and more in like with her, we are flirting more and more, and getting closer. More open, telling, talking, admitting in our stupid round about ways...but is she admitting feelings, or am i the only one...Should i try or no...Dammit. So confusing.

DAMMIT WHY CANT I STOP FUCKING UP DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

800 dollars in checks and I didn't get it signed...after being warned on just hundred dollar checks......fucking hell...and Deb made it sound like corporate will get on Marks case doubling his anger to me...and I didn't get the purchasers name...and then this can affect dad. Badly. Shit shit shit.

Two hours I've been crying. Dammit. I spent the whole fucking car ride hiding my face crying. The damn ride back where I love talking to Laura. And the whole time I wanted to confide how upset I was. Get a hug if only out of pity...but couldn't.

So damn proud...

I fucked up so badly.

Dammit. And the damn girl I like I couldn't fucking talk to. How useless am I.
I hate myself...God dammit.
I....dammit dammit....can't get coherent
And all this has brought back breathing troubles from past few days...breathing hurts so bad....

I hate myself...

I don't even know what I am going to say...was going to say...I always fuck up the damn finish >< I always forget that crucial detail. I am so useless.

Fuck all of this. I quit. I don't even get why I entertain these stupid notions. Hah. God. How stupid am I to ever think I'd be liked hah. What a damn moron. Fuck romance. Fuck my damn hormones. Fuck people and myself. I'm sick of it all. I want to die badly. I want out.

Fuck you mom. I am sick of these impossibly high standards. Wasting money on tests I failed? A fucking 29 first time on ACT is failing? Most people I know struggled to get that high second or third. Jessica and Lindsey at work where awestruck. And that is fucking failing? And 1870 on practice sat? That is bad now? That is top 25th percent. And you know. I did great on the AP exams. So fuck off. God. Great job parents. Ruining the only day I expected to have be a good one this whole damn week. This week sucks utterly. I'm done with everyone today. Fuck this. I am sorry I'm not fucking Michael and so worthless. I hate this.

" so what's the deal with you Kanna, and with that friend of yours and the girl he is digging?"

"Digging? What, are we in the 70s"

" I rock old lingo, and Rock it well. But tell me your story."

" why should I? We just met"

" I could lie and give some fancy reason, but the reason is truly quite simple."

" and what's that?"

Then Mark gave a dogish grin and tossed Kanna a pop, as his eyes twinkled with amusement and he replied with obvious entertainment, " because, I want to hear it. Simple as that."

Also, one thing I've grown sure of. If any of you are reading this, and pissed at what I'm contemplating doing, or how I've talked about friends, or anything, I just want you to know I don't give a fuck. Honestly, half the people we know have done pot or gotten drunk. And on judging friends, well, you judge me often if you are mad about that. So fuck off. But I don't know who reads this. And frankly don't care. Honestly Alex is only one who updates and I sometimes read, but I realty don't bother much. Such trouble. Going to blogs. Actuallly I don't read any blogs. Truly. Such a bother. Lazy me yes. But Emily kicked me off her reading group, Casey updates once a month at best, Alex's succeeds in being confusing to get to (yes yes, I do lose link often, Sue me >>), and no one else updates. So yeah.

But basically. Imaginary reader who may be judging...fuck off.

But Hmm. Oddly a lot of people have been looking gorgeous to me for no reason. Emily has been looking quite pretty. Ben is sexy as always. Kasha has been, Claire, Laura, Rachel, Anna.

Though Anna seems to be a crazy ass mofo.

But pretty nice to look at.

And Nyquist is pretty fun. Love him.

I should expand my horizons more.

Especially when I'm losing interest in so many friends.

How creepy is it I feel like I am more mature than some of them...and actually think I may be right. Man. Jobs change a lot.

Need to stop spending...save for college...

Fuck I just went there? Damn...

Nothing will remain the same.

So much is different.

the musings of an idiot

Its odd. So much is really. So much is changing. And so many odd things.

You know, despite how much I'm falling for Laura what I'm loving more is how close we are becoming, and even if I can't get her romantically, enjoying and being fine with just being friends. Sure it sucks shit...but we are so close.. I needed that eh?

But its funny how wierd I am. And annoying that I'm letting some stuff influence me. I hate idea of cigarettes and alcohol...yet am growing more certain ill try pot. And maybe getting drunk. Hypocritical eh?

But really weird is I feel like I'm getting stronger and could get much more. Also that I'd look good with more muscle. I honestly like how I look.

And you know. Its all odd. So much uncertainty. Still trying to grab past...but I think its fading still.

And funny. I've become bad with physical affection to non family. Hilarious eh?

"Now you talk more perverted than me" you said that so shocked. It just now hit you that you've changed. She has. Everyone has. God. What a fool I am. Man. So much has changed...yet I'm stuck holding to facts and things of the past...anyway to update myself?

Jane meyers. Oh how you annoy me. For the love of all that is holy, there is such a thing as originality. Literally every single fucking status is a copypasta of some like site, or some sap site, in an attempt to see new or unique or something. It is not even the funny ones. Oh one day my liking of CJ will not be worth leaving you friended.

I need to clean my friends list. I have added so many people i didnt know. That i thought it did xD

And someone up there is sayin to me "Yo dawg, you know how you are on the edge on your view of weed and trying it. Well, right after you have that freak out, lets make everyone around you talk about it and drugs, and maek it so easily available it is not funny, ya know dawg."

Jokes. Idiocy. I'm like that stereotypical clown eh? I had issues being picked on and shit as a kid, so to every issue I act out or play around. God dammit. And I still beat self up all the time. I hate that anything, moment I feel awkward, I goof around. Mrs Sumner has me take pic with Laura and Rachel, and us act like we like each other. I goof off. All I wanted was to use that excuse and take a nice pic, and I couldn't do it. Just put arm around shoulder, or do something.....but no goof off.

Did I even get any good pictures of me....

What is my problem...

And still beating self up. I wanna retry. Now please?

Here is to bipolar old me.

Still feel shitty and depressed.
But really good too. Especially after Thor.

You know what is sad to me about pictures. Those super forced poses. Stand together and act like you like everyone. God. Dull. A little life and fun, dynamicness and joy. I also hate that people hide from them...

I hate how few I am in with others too ><

And Hmm. I feel like that vaguebooking was about me.

One day I should really talk to a therapist...

"What's your issue" yeah, say that in a snide tone Taylor. Make it seem as if I fucking did something wrong for watching the stars...and crying...outside...in cold...for two hours.....

I know he didn't mean it bad....but why does it seem that way....

I should have killed myself like I thought of doing...

I missed the stars. A ton.

Funny. Thinking of how beautiful she was...I think of her in her usual outfits and her cardigan...how the fuck do I remember what it is called. Fuck. Remembering a clothing name. Damn

Aaaaaaaand cut. Getting through without going depressed failed. Always mess it up at finals. Great seeing Taryn. Makes me really happy.

But you couldn't dance with friends.

Aren't you suppose to get less awkward with friends as timel goes on, not more?

Well. Day was great still.

Now let's see how this new day will go during sleepover

And I lost. Couldn't get into it. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I hate myself so much.

Why can't I go over with them. Dance. Do something...

You know a nice way of saying it? I'm the photographer but never the photo. I see and feel about all these scenes and record...but when am I going to be recorded and part of the scenes...

They are so beautiful...

God...and there is sandstorm. Fuck it. Battle music eh. Happy vs sad. Lets go

Knew Taryn would come... feel so awkward round her and Nick. Its my ultimate fantasy hope in front of me. Sad. Eh. But still means a lot. Why so I feel so sad... dammit. Dammit. Dammit...DAMMIT ALL GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WHY AM I DOING THIS. Why do I hate being happy...

Dammit

Hey...I know I say this way to much. But small things do mean so much. Regina walking by and slowing down till I see her, to smile and wave. Despite our minor communication...I dunno. Just nice, you know? Funny. I see everyone from here...and feel so utterly alone. Hey there is Clint. Havent even said hi or anything. Kid lives in the moment ...he is....eh. forget it...but thanks Regina. You'll never see this. But it means a lot.

Cue manic depressive episode. Or is this slow down? Realization of what I will never have.

God. I love Taryn and Nick. They have such a beauty to them, a perfection from difference and such an amazing love...almost makes me believe in fairy tale romances.

Man. Taryn is one of those one in a million, maybe hundred million, people you meet. Sh is so utterly full of life, so overwhelmingly joyous and powerful, she has so much presence and vitality you can't help but feel some joy. She has such a strong will and unueilding personality while being the kindest person ever. God. I lover. She is one of the most influential people I met, in such subtle ways. This makes me miss her a ton...man. Its so great seeing her again.

But it is so sad. Never ceases to be that I don't quite fit in. I am having fun with everyone...but Rachel and Laura who I am closest too I feel most awkward with. Dammit.

God, great that john is here.

But I'm still sitting here. Alone. Blogging. Wanting to cry...oh wow radio. Douche move. "No one wants to be alone" thanks for hitting where it hurts. Thanks.

Holy shit... Taryn is here. God. Sometimes things really work out so utterly perfectly. This day is so amazing..this is one to remember. God it is

Hoo boy. I am really conflicted. I have last minute anxious fears and am really thinking i made a mistake deciding to go to prom...

But have a feeling i will enjoy myself.

Even if I am a bit stupid going solo and just eventually seeing people...maybe next year when all teh sophies can go I will do it right. Maybe get a date. Who knows...

At least Jason will be there. Man...I actually really like that guy. Barely have talked to him, but hey. He is cool. andagreenlanternfanandsupergeeksoyeah

But I...kinda am excited. I like this stuff more and more each time i go. and it ends sorta well. PlusIlovedressingupsosueme. Although tux part is overdoing it. I like smaller and thinner jackets. I looooove the shirts though, they make me feel cool.

And that is the most you will hear me praise non geek shirts clothing ever.

but man...I dunno how this will go. Then Tays. Though apparently somehow everyone, guys and girls, are sleeping over. Urgh. I dont mean to be mean on that...I just really wanted to have another night for just the guys, ya know?

But who knows. Guess soon ill go, see how it all ends. At least I will prob get some pictures and such...But I kinda feel my inner loner and freak out coming. Shit.

But I do love times to use Elina.

Maybe tonight stars will be out and it will be warm. Cant wait for them.

Also, god, I still love how confident i get from things like competitions. I wish I had the competitiveness I do at things like computers.

But me and Michael won, got 20 bucks each. <3

Lets see how this goes.

come to me oh muse

Title unrelated, I just enjoy the line.

But God. Prom. This is a stupid mistake. So stupid...its entirely me. Hen. Funny. Already letting yourself be influenced by a girl you can't get...

Or can you. She has been flirting a bit, and flirting back if you do...but you are not gonna do anything are you. Nope
l. Idiot. Isn't this what you've complained about before? Why is this so different. When did you stop risking.


And man...my meds are scaring me...they change me so much. I've been paying attention. More and more...God. its like I'm not there. I get so confuse and jumbled on thinking...but once I have a focus its so clear, numbers, words, actions...they dance around and patterns and tricks become so obvious....

But I get hidden. It is like I am not there. I was trying on the tux and acting embarrassed and worried about letting Laura see. In my head I wanted to give that cocky grin I know I do, and make some comment asking how I looked, or some innuendo or something.

And the anger...if I don't eat it is so powerful..almost violent...I'm scared about it.

But God, I have such elation usually...I become so detached, cold, scared, angry, sad...scared. I lose my confidence. I hate that. I can't argue on meds....

I also stutter and can't tell jokes. My train of thought is all bumpy. Off them...its crystal clear, say it all and fast.
.

So scary...

Man. Dammit. I hate growing up at times, even if its taken me so long to do it in any way...remember when it was all black and white? I loved so and so, its obvious, beyond all doubt she is perfect for me, cue love story etc. But feelings aren't the only thing that matters. There is all the situations. What if it goes wrong. College soon. Can I control self
Can I get her parents to like me, can I not be jeleous of stuff..

Could I ever get over the inferioty from Clint. She really cared. That I could tell, more than ever before...and I have always felt like nothing compared to him. How could I follow him...if I did how could I without hating, blaming, and comparing...

Maybe I should stay forever alone. Or go gay. Or wait until I leave for colleage....then I can forget everyone...

But who am I kidding. Dammit. I know it breaks what I believe, and what I say...but like I knew early on that. Taylor and Emily where better suited than me, and had a feeling it would go that waay and they liked each other.....like I know that bnaruto spams suck and reborn spans awful plot twists... dammit if she is not the beast fit and the perfect person, who I should be with, or some shit like that...then I don't know who could be, and I know they probably don't hold a candle to her...

That sounded accuassatory, gay, almost insulting, and overly sappy...wow me...

But you know...when off on my meds I don't like looking directly at people. I try to hide eyes and gaze...I stare out...It makes me realize how much I want to travel. A lot.

And is it wrong that I actually think I could look really good? If I put on some weight...and oddly I've been gaining muscle or something. Weight and strength aren't as easy as for others, but I've been doing random things with ease, or more ease.

And I really wanna fight, like wrestle, or judo again, something for fun or sport

Man. Almost a year...dammit a whole fucking year. I hate how much I messed up. God dammit. Is it wrong I still yearn for the friendship I can't have so vicariously? Am I even allowed to shed tears over what I lost because of my fault? Or to accept blame and still never attempt to defend self? God I'm a moron. Man...no amount of. Apologies self inflicted pain or penance, sorrow, or guilt will make it right...God. I never had this true of a loss...and it hurts. Dammit. Its been a yearbook. I should get over it but can't. One long year...


What else was I gonna say...suddenly got sleepy...

Night.

Best of luck. Enjoy everything.

Happy star wars day. May the 4th be with you.

Dammit.

Also. Funny, master description of a person with depression is me last 4 or so years. So funny. Hilarious really.

And dammit...apathy and dissociation is becoming a second hand defense....damn....

Okay. Lets see. Beyond all doubt. My meds are worse hiigher dosages. If I don't eat a ton I lose personality, become mindless and confused almost. Get focused on one task. Later become angrier much easier...the ease at which I've almost told 5 people today to fuck themselves over nothing is outrageous. I should not be so mad so easy...its scary...need to talk to doctor..

Decided to go to prom for some reason...how did that happen. When I spent a year bitching bout it. Irony eh?

Ben made a mistake there...he is not gonna be able to handle it.

Hopefully he and Kasha don't destroy themselves right now...

They are though...

Dammit. I don't know what to do.

It sickens me that people would ever cheer over death.

I write friendship and sap speeches of tea level. Creepy.

Nyeh cat>nyan cat

Shiiiit this is going bad.

I hate being so angry recently...so easily annoyed, no compassion, nothing...dammit.especially when I'm trying to fix friendships