And there. Fuck it. Sick of entertaining all the false ideas and idiocy. Emily doesn't want me as a friends d, she still hates me, and didn't even want me unblocked. So fuck it. Remove from friends. Makes this shit easier. No hope, so why not rod myself of temptation. Maybe one day it will change. But I doubt it.

And you know. Hah. She wont give a damn.

Gotta cut the cord in the end.

Hmm. I should get closer to Blaithe. Still can't get over how fun she was

Its not even Emily anymore. It hasn't been for a long time. How unfair I made her the object of my basis for this.

Its what I was and had versus now. Lets face it. I am changing myself cause of what happened, I quit so many things. I now actually talk, introduce, and get to know people, I've fallen in love with the world and people and their beauty, I've changed.

But I fear some parts I may lose. I know my change is a driving force in seperations from friends. And I know that I am having to give up Peter pan esque dreams, and other stuff, and have to care about shit.

But God...its funny. It is not as much people that I am growing to hate...it is how stagnant it is.

I want out. Truly. I wanna see explore feel do some random shit...

And I am also sick of judgemental bigotry. Seriously, how do we get off judging gays and atheists and Muslims (althouu hardcore atheists judging Christians is just as fucking annoying) for such random shit. Get over yourself.

And then even open minded individuals acts like asses about weed (which is actually good for you in many ways) (and alchohal and cigs are worse) , or because of stupid sexual shit. I mean people still were hiding Laura over a make out. God damn. And shawn and bunny were high and mighty over me saying I would make out with random people. God. And people judging me over the weekend...oh an sexist ideals still piss me off.

But why do we attach idiot ideals and morals to things that hurt no one. The judging from those morals is worse.

People piss me off.

I...Don't know. REally odd, right now everything went in a turmoil state again.

Laura and Ben went...well exactly how I expected. CEpt i lost it all I think...but subconsciously i find myself wondering if i should try.

Then I had amazing weekend with Bunny, her friend Blaithe (who is amazing fun) and Shawn (Who I really love how we act like best friends since birth) and all that...

Except I find I cant push forward. All i think about is how I need to get past all this shit, but stuff keeps bringing me to the past.

And the worst part, I am having trouble cementing the fact that I shouldnt leave some of the past...but so much fades.

I mean, Ben...Alex, two of my closest friends, and i keep forgetting them, or schedules, time, and other shit makes our talking harder, adn then when we do talk it is awkward as fuck...and i dont want to forget them....lose them...

But right as i think "Finally, fuck the past, fuck my old set, lets move the fuck on" I find that I cant just go "Hey, we are hitting it off, lets have simple dates" and I still want something deeper. But i know I am not ready and none of the people here offer that, when I could have simple fun times...I mean for the love of christ, why is it so hard?

Then i think i am over friends i lost...and shit happens to confuse me again. Oh hey, finally got to teh point "Well, fuck it, Emily truly dont give a shit bout me." and find out she unblocked me. After blocking me. and i have no fucking idea why for either of those. At all.

And Clint just randomly always popping in when i am past him...

Fucking hell. And you know the worst of this shit? Alex, Kasha, all the others who i know are having issues, god, they have actual troubles and deserve to be upset. Me? I am leading a good life and just cant fucking forget the past and move the fuck on.

Probbaly because i am still exposed to it.

I really cant wait till college, i want out, i wanna move on, I want a change. God, When i went with Shawn...being somewhere new. Brilliant. I wanna meet people, explore, go everywhere. I want out of this same place. God damn i do. So. Badly.

But man, i dont know if i am happy, sad, whatnot.

But I had to post this.

And dmamit, i gotta stop keeping people away. These random trust issues, and random phases were i just dont try for anything kill me...

Hah, but lets face it. If I got over it maybe i would have to try and fix stuff with Emily.

Or with Rachel.

But that risks failing and being hurt again, cant have that can i...

Damn i am a wimp now.