Sooo, what the he'll just happened today, I dunno...it was for better... I think?

10 grams of Tylenol will kill...that is so day to get...should I...so close...

Right there...dads Meds...a few would be all it took...

Yeah you are right dad, I am wasting my life away, im a useless fuck who can only hurt and pain people... I hate you...I told you this before, oh and the if-I-studied-I'd-do-good? Guess what. I studied Spanish and fucking failed. Fuck you... But you are right, I'm wasting my life...and this week maybe I'll throw it away...would save everyone the trouble...trouble of dealing with me... I'm sick of all this....

Comics rule. Way better than manga. At least stuff by Geoff. Damn man is an amazing writer.

all will be well, that is what i live by!

Irony. More people i never met or barely talked to wished me Happy Birthday...Facebook makes people stalkers.

Not meant in a friends-are-assholes way, more of a facebook-makes-people-creepers.

Oh. and trolling is fun.

New digimon <3

IS THAT FUCKING GURREN LAGANN?

Screw you, you're a bitch. Happy fucking birthday me.

I feel so awful...

Ugh, hate family party.

I wish it was yesterday again...

I wish i wasnt feeling shitty now. BLeh.

Another blog, i must be getting back on a scheduele, oh no!

WEll, back into minecraft...

Lets face it. Its me hiding. Forgetting. Pretending. Longing for a world i will never have. A simplistic blocky world where i am at one with sheep.

But you know what i mean.

God. I still feel useless...Guess i am.

Fucking hell. I will be a drag tomorrow wont i.

What the fuck am i doing. Alienating rachel when i should be trying to make things right.

God...I am doing the fun little escape-to-internet friends thing.

I am pathetic eh.

But you know, who gives a fuck. I will get somewhere...do something. I will.

Being lost does not doom me. Does it. Hell. Ill find a way.

I miss the stars.

I....Am happy...hopeful...sad...anxious...worried....annoyed.

But you know...Bday in a few days...I dont feel anything about it. A year. Bleh. What is difference between now and 4 days later.

a year...

God.

But man...Anxious for tomorrow with friends. Gonna probably hate family one like usual...but Summer will be there. <3 God i love that girl.

Man...Useless...happy....sad....what the hell is wrong with me?

But you know, fuck it, its my life. Ill lead it, even if it sucks shit. Cant mope, perservere, or somethin

I feel really selfish having a party still...I feel too old...

HAHA. God, irony eh. My whole thing for a while has been "Grasp what i have", trying to keep responsibility away, and all sorts of stuff. Now, now i am trying to move forward and grasp what i need and learn all that stuff.

Irony.

Wow...I really am annoyed at rachel. I must be holding grudges easier than usual. She sent text and i have gotten pissed as fuck. Probably cause she went all kind, remembered she was mad for what seems to be no damn reason, then was bitchy. How do i know it is essentially no damn reason? We havent spoken except for said 5 minute convo in about 2 weeks. Since i have become a social stigma who can get no communication/hermit. Yet now, i am really fucking pissed since then she wouldnt even tell me why. "oh i am mad at you but wont say why" Well fuck you rachel. Who gives a damn bitch.

But aside from random anger. Life is somehow going decent. Getting some communication back. Everyone suddenly into minecraft. Loving the new updates. Really overjoyed because Kelsey got accepted to OSU, so i will be able to see her often, she will be so close by <333 Uh, me and Summer really getting along.

Still feeling horrid over much though...and two nights in a row i was killed in dreams, odd.

I just...GAh. I feel guilty and bad. Why do i always feel so guilty and bad and lost. Bah.

And fucking Valentines day is coming up -_- Ironically, i hate it more this year, not because i am single. But because it is a holiday. Holidays and retail suck shit.

Dammit. So that is why it really hurts. Heh, hope, god, the hope of what i know i cant have. Therein lies one of my core issues. I really am J.D., exactly. I want her because i cant have her, and because i never forgot her. You know, why do i not remember how i felt, except for then. It was hellish, as usual due to me, on eight levels. Yet nostalgia clouds it...And the present too.

You know, it i salso because i rush too much. I know full well that i need to slow down and be patient. Yet i rush everything, wanting lust, adreniline, to fulfill some stupid hope or story i make in head. I should have waited in asking laura out, but wanted to make it seem like a movie, or not pass up something i thought would be a good moment. Same with Emily, i still had some feelings and pain from laura, that was wrong of me. Even if i did like her a ton. And when i told them i loved them...I was not fully convinced (pathetic, right? 2+ years and 8+ months and i couldnt be sure)I mean, it felt so right soon after...but still. I know i rushed it. And i felt almost pressured by life itself to have to say it, ya know? I should have been 100% sure, not just 99%.

That is one of the problems, i rush, and when i want what i cant have...what happens when i get it....usually i dont want it.

God, this should be fine, i feel great, life seems great...but i am not talking to anyone. No one to me. I cant hold conversations, or anything. I cant keep anything with anyone. I am become unneeded, no one needs me for help, I cant tell who i can go to for help. Hell, the biggest helps i need i burned the bridges to. And worst, i am realizing i am falling for that person...

I brned that bridge for Alex...

God dammit. I hate not being able to ask Emily, she could tell me exactly what to do in this situation.

I am trying to keep hope, but it can be painful...Hell, i barely can keep interest in things. Even rootbeer and yugioh adn pizza.

Wow, sad, that is my life...

Dammit dammit dammit.

That one damn scrubs line keeps repeating in head, "It should have been me" what if i am sitting back as the perfect person passes by, but dammit. I have already lost. Rigth back where i was...a few years back. Before i fucked everything up.

FEels so much shorter. I am so full of shit.

Yet here, here is how i feel, and it is contradictory beyond measure.

Cant even talk to kasha and ben. Ruined everything with emily. Same with alex. Bren...we are distant. Heh, fun irony there, his friendship with alex repaired better than his with me.

But here are more contradictions. I hate the idea of dating, I hate the concept, hating being anyones anything. Yet I want to date...especially her. I hate public affection, yet i want to be one who does it and a part of it. I hate lust and am controlled by it. I feel obligated to treat people differently because they are best friends, Gf, etc etc. Yet i want to not do that. I want an overly showy, almost creepy touchy feely relationship. Yet i want it to be like we are just best of friends and not even dating, kinda like clint and laura.

What the hell is it i want. Hell. That is the tru eissue. With hess, laura, and emily i never found a balance or what i wanted fully. I became what i thought they wanted, and then became a monster.

I just dont know.

Now i have to deal with sins i can never repent.

A pathetic yearning for all i cant have.

A need of friends i dont deserve and can never get back.

A love i will never have.

And you know, the worst. Even if i could have these all back, I dont know if i could handle it, if only because i would hate myself so much still...because i still do.

God...God dammit. I want to be needed...

I want to be trusted...

I want to be him...

No. I want to be a better person. Why cant i do that...Why am i so horrible.

Want want want. I am so fucking selfish. God. All my friends have all this going for them. But ya know, i am such a bastard i cant just be happy, but have to think, "Man, why did they never ask me, or talk to me..." and see all the stuff going on between everyone else...

I am so selfish, i hate that i cant do anything.