Well...this is a day to change shit.

Practically failed shit in school. Hate self a ton.

Foreveralonefest. Kelly and the girl he likes just...well she has no idea what she wants, and to solve may ignore him.

Will got dumped, and I think he is quite upset but wont talk to me...hope nothing bad happemed...

I used a roundabout way to ask Laura out...she gave me roundabout answer. Not sure what it is. Guessing no. So close to just saying it. Imma pussy.

Then I may now go to ohayo. Kinda hope I can stay with Barton, Laura, Cheyenne, and Morgan....

Though I know there will be drinking. Dunno if I want.

And I don't know if I can handle if Laura picks up a dude.

But why the fuck am I hypocritical on this. I've made out with people in recent times, and other shit. And if Larissa had not had cockblocking friend I'd have messed around with her at sugoi....

God. What am I doing. What do I want...


Oh well.


























And its early. But...happy birthday Em...even though you wont read this. And it wont matter.

God. Sam may be able to visit round Prom time. How amazing would that be. I really can't wait for a chance to see her.

Im letting everything fall.

I don't know why.

But im rescinding.

People are...something I am subconsciously cycling through.

I don't know why.

Im practically failing some classes.

And over two years...and the occasional urge to send Emily the new song I fall for to see her opinion and talk with her is there...

Did we ever even trade songs? I barely remember our old habits.

God. Why am I so stuck on the past.

Besides the fact that none of it applies. And im only now catching on.

Everything is different.

And it scares me.

Especially because I don't know who or what to trust.

And fuck Maria, "you know what's funny, you like Laura and she hates you" fuck that, I doubt that is even close. Even if she doesn't like me I don't see hate as being true.

Yet...its made me doubt. Fear. Worry. Its made me sad. Pained.

Why. Why dammit?

When did I become so pathetically fragile?

Video Games is an amazing song.

But God...the only thing still close to how I use to be even just last year is Yugioh. How sad is that?

And romance...God im stuck on that. Especially not knowing what the Fuck I want. Do I even want Laura? If I reallt did I'd man up and stop turning it into a game.

I know it wouldn't work.

But...do I care? Or do I want something simple?

Or do I want something forever?

Why am I back on this crutch?

Because you're so far between everything you don't know what you want.

Hell even my newest loves I doubt. Newest interests....

I just...


I don't know.

I hope osu accepts me.

I need a new place. A new life.

How funny. Some things have gone full circle high school life...

Except...Laura is now the one who is so friendly, so madly in love with making friends...

Me? I am cutting them down in real life...not even sure who matters to me. Not wanting these newones here.....

I wish I could try again. I just don't know what.

I probably shouldn't dwell on the past...

But God. They've become do different.

Clint...Emily....Laura...scott...Taylor...I wonder if they're all as confused and freaked out as I am?

Who knows.

Oh well. I better sleep before I get sad.

But...I still feel awful. Jessica Perkins was upset ...her friend died. And when she said it..."oh" I could only message over text.

Im a damn coward. She tried to talk to me, always asked if im alright after I broke down....I couldn't say anything sides text.

Dammit.

I've become a coward. And that's not even something I know will have me hurt like if I tried for Laura...

I need someone new. God I do.


Not even for romance...I need someone entirely new. Something strange. Ive never seen before...

How horrible am I... I can't remember anything of how I felt. Did I really just cauterize and destroy all emotions and memories of how I was with Emily...really. I can't remember the happiness. The sadness. The pain...

I can't remember it with so many things...


If life is just my culmination of all that happens how can I be anything like this?


God dammit. I am so scared. Nothing is going right. This is utterly terrifying. I don't know who I trust. Worse I don't want to trust anyone past Alex and Laura and shawn....and I can't even bring myself to do that as much as I should.

And I am so useless. Im ducking everything up. I am pathetic.

And why am I so scared....

I don't even know why I am so upset...

Heh...fuck. 15 days and ill be 18...a few more and Emily will be 17.

God damn. I should never have let her or Clint get such firm roots in my mind. So connected to me...

I want to restart. How awful is that.

I just...God so much is screwed beyond repair here...

And I never can make amends. No matter how I try.

It all disappears. They all disappear.

Clint. Emily. Maria. Rachel. I barely have Taylor. Barely keeping with Alex, God that's been strained...Lost Bren...scott....almost all the people I ever trust most I have fucked up with...

God why am I so depressedright now...

And why does it never stay. How horrible is that. Tomorrow ill be peppy and this will be gone....

I should just stop. People aren't worth it right now.

Just gotta focus on self...

I guess...

I wish...I wish I knew what to do....to say...

I wish I got less second chances.

And only got them were I truly needed them.

I wanna restart so bad...