Oh bloggy. The tendancy for everything I write here to come back and bite my ass is astounding.

Wierdly im just not feeling anything but a stark indifference.

I would think I should be happy ...or upset....or something.

Oh well. Back to sleep.

This is bullshit. Why have I been so freaky the last few nights. Dwelling on bad.being unable to sleep. Upset. Scared.

And why do I feel bad about that damn group message last week? Why do I feel so awful about the whole thing. I mean...I really think everyone gave Emily too much shit, and she was in her right to be upset...but why do I give a damn. She don't give one bout me. And I did nothing. At all. Yet I feel like it was all my fault. Again.

Why do these damn few people make me doubt myself innately why can I lose any shred of self esteem and belief to them. If it involves them instantly I feel wrong, weak, scared.

Probably because they can make me think. Change.

And funnily. According to Kasha Emily is still talking about me, saying untrue things...I dunno what that is bout. I really don't see her as a lle-to-defame type. And you don't really need lies to do that...

But the oddest part? I don't care about that. I don't give a shit if she is or isn't.

And weirder...unless it is a situation like this...I don't even think about Emily anymore. Odd.

And man. This really still calms me. God I needed this.

God bless ya all, merry Christmas.

This is why people can't have nice things.

Worse why do I care bout this shit.

Or her.

Or him.

Or other her.

And dammit why is there like no chance of getting Alex and Zach here for my bday...

And fuck all this drama. Let me out.

I hate this...can't reconnect even to Cory....scott never worked either....Clint barely works....Emily still hates me and we only have a fucked up half communication through Alex....fuck all of this.

I want out. I want away. I barely care about my friends. Myself. Anything. Im just in a shitty mood half the time. It takes Maria's fucking drama and shifts to cause any increase of closeness between. Me and anyone. I hate this.

I want out.

And I feel so low im back to here. This fucking place. I thought I grew past this clutch and was trusting people again.

Dammit.

Dammit...guess I can't reconnect to the past no matter how hard I try...and I realty thought maybe there was a chance here...

Two or three times in a week Emily appreciates something I've done...all because of Maria....


Fuck Maria. She has no right to hurt people like this. Neither does Rachel. This is sick. They have no right to cause so much trouble...no right to remind me for the 18th time im not a soulless bastard, no right to make me have to remember I cared about that girl and she exists...

No right to out me in such a fucking shitty position. Im between them and Tay. Between ria and Laura. Between Emily and ria. And you know what is the worst? You'd think the fact that im able to help Emily in someway should satisfy some of my stupid penance ideals, or that im trying to help Taylor move in with me...or that in a roundabout way im getting thanks from Emily....

But honestly. I just feel empty from it. Appreciates. Yeah. Sure. It just seems like a common courtesy "thank you" which I can't even be told face to face...I can't even directly help without a fear somehow it will be on me....or offer my support....or just sympathy.

And the worst is how this still fucking gets to me. Really? I thought I got over this...thanks ria. Set up what looks like a small chance I didn't want while fucking everything to hell.

Why can't I not care...it would be so easy...

I want this drama to end

Lets see.

Adventured through con, realized Nabishin was amazing

Raved, dueled, traded.

Nothing too interesting happened this year. was kinda...tame and less wild. Nothing like last years, much less fun with out alex.

oddly also less fun without some drama of some sort.

Dunno.

Got a trish and veiler.

Emily seemed confused and wierded by me being nice nad offering her food/candy/rootbeer and letting her party in my room with eveyrone.

But I was just having fun with the weekend, i mean, was even nice to jeremy.

Rachel and Ben broke up, joy, drama of unfun variety.

I dunno. Feel odd. Still cant break the in general uneasieness i get when I deal with past people that I dont really associate with anymore like Scotty or Em.

I still have no idea what to feel romantically.


Botha.

Botha botha.

need to fix up school grades...

Sometimes I hate how stupid my brain is. God dammit. Why is it so hard to just truly not care.


Lush. Laura wants to bring booze to sugoi or Nyquists party and I had to make sure she doesn't do any of it while Emily's around. God forbid.

But why. I don't even like her...so why am I protecting. She led me on for months. She continually abused me and got mad at me, saying I was falling for Alex when I wasn't. All while she was falling for taylor. Yet if I suggested it jokingly it was horrible of me.

And I couldn't even get a hug or kiss unless I turned her on night before. And I told her I felt bad having to do that. But forgetting the fact that she made me do that for romance, I never tried for romance o ly list, and she was pure an innocent.

She emotionally abused me, lied, led me on and treated me like shit...

So why did I protect her or want to. Even in the most minute way...

Especially when she disgusts me so much often now. In her urge to get basic equality or go. Against other stuff she has become just as radical and close minded. I mean, I remember how little a persons religion or anything mattered to her, how happy, bright....loving she was and it was aabout who they were. None of the details mattered...

Oh well.

But why God damn. Why do I freeze up and hide and push everyone away when things get close.

I mean...Alex was only person I had after em to talk to. I cared so much. I still love her so much...but why can't I talk to her. Trust her. Why is it I feel one way but can't act on it. Its like a damn dream, except I can't act on it...I mean come on. Those few times I have we just went back like it was old times. But why can't I ever just message her to talk...or anything....and dammit I seriously wanted to visit....yet I don't try to do anything to forward this.

Im useless.

Then Laura...suddenly after I ask her out and I actually get a chance for it to happen, very likely chance....I suddenly have no feelings. I suddenly can't talk to her. I am scared.


Its even happening with Kasha...

God dammit. Am I really so scared of actually restoring bonds...of you know, being close to people again, that I keep away from them and I let myself become comfortable with being alone...

I guess I am living in a dream world. And in the end all Alex said is what I've known...if there is no action behind the feelings or thoughts, everything is empty words.


And I changed. I lost so much of what I was. I remember when if I thought someone was sad I would be relentless to try and find out and help. Now I don't fearing ill make it worse? I couldn't help? They would come to me if they really need it?


I've become the problem.

I disgust myself.

I was gonna text ya this alex, but apparently you stalk my blog, i feel a bit bad, and my phone died, and am lazy.

And I shouldnt -completely- ignore this place.

But listen, I wont lie this time. Im not gonna bother with the sugarcoating, bullshit, overly dramatic, etc. shit i always tell you. But here is the truth:

I know I have been a horrible friend, and i am sorry, I know I've been ignoring you and others, and even though I've seen that you are in pain and needed comfort, I just edged away adn didnt push to help whether you like it or not. and I ignored your blog because it risked making me...Feel, connect, remember, ya know?

I have been being a bit of an ass just from ommitence, adn I let our relationship fall back a good bit, which is pathetic of me. Admittedly you played a part too, but whogives a fuck all the details, cause less does not mean gone.

And I cant claim we are as close as we were, I wont tell you that, I dont wanna lie.

But when I said I will have your back, god damn girl, I meant that, okay? I know this is hypocritical of me, but even if I never start conversations, if you need to talk, actually say it. If you need a shoulder, i will be there.

You gotta remember, I am never one to deal with the stupid games, or catch on well (even though I do them to)

But god, i am here for you, and dont ever think i wont miss you, k?

And I love you.

And I know, I may not hold up like i want to with this, I may accidently forget to respond, be busy, or give shitty response that dont help...But god damn, you dont need to go alone with just Emily. Trust me.

Its what i started doing a while back, and sealing out you, laura, kasha, adn anyone who I use to fully trust was my biggest idiotic move ever, adn worse i conditioned myself to make that a habit i am still trying to break.

And I know, the pride part, teh worry of rejection, pain, the fear, makes reaching out hard.

But god damn, I am here, okay? I wish I could say i would always be here, and for all time at any moment and be Batman himself of help and that...but Emily will still probably be better...But I love you, I am here, and will always be willing if it permits, and even if I cant be the best, I will try my damn hardest to help.

So yeah...Guess you are still one of the few I care about to blog for, or ellicet emotion from me, and worry about what can happen staying close to you.

But man, i meant this to be short...

So...I am sorry, I love you wifey.

And there. Fuck it. Sick of entertaining all the false ideas and idiocy. Emily doesn't want me as a friends d, she still hates me, and didn't even want me unblocked. So fuck it. Remove from friends. Makes this shit easier. No hope, so why not rod myself of temptation. Maybe one day it will change. But I doubt it.

And you know. Hah. She wont give a damn.

Gotta cut the cord in the end.

Hmm. I should get closer to Blaithe. Still can't get over how fun she was

Its not even Emily anymore. It hasn't been for a long time. How unfair I made her the object of my basis for this.

Its what I was and had versus now. Lets face it. I am changing myself cause of what happened, I quit so many things. I now actually talk, introduce, and get to know people, I've fallen in love with the world and people and their beauty, I've changed.

But I fear some parts I may lose. I know my change is a driving force in seperations from friends. And I know that I am having to give up Peter pan esque dreams, and other stuff, and have to care about shit.

But God...its funny. It is not as much people that I am growing to hate...it is how stagnant it is.

I want out. Truly. I wanna see explore feel do some random shit...

And I am also sick of judgemental bigotry. Seriously, how do we get off judging gays and atheists and Muslims (althouu hardcore atheists judging Christians is just as fucking annoying) for such random shit. Get over yourself.

And then even open minded individuals acts like asses about weed (which is actually good for you in many ways) (and alchohal and cigs are worse) , or because of stupid sexual shit. I mean people still were hiding Laura over a make out. God damn. And shawn and bunny were high and mighty over me saying I would make out with random people. God. And people judging me over the weekend...oh an sexist ideals still piss me off.

But why do we attach idiot ideals and morals to things that hurt no one. The judging from those morals is worse.

People piss me off.

I...Don't know. REally odd, right now everything went in a turmoil state again.

Laura and Ben went...well exactly how I expected. CEpt i lost it all I think...but subconsciously i find myself wondering if i should try.

Then I had amazing weekend with Bunny, her friend Blaithe (who is amazing fun) and Shawn (Who I really love how we act like best friends since birth) and all that...

Except I find I cant push forward. All i think about is how I need to get past all this shit, but stuff keeps bringing me to the past.

And the worst part, I am having trouble cementing the fact that I shouldnt leave some of the past...but so much fades.

I mean, Ben...Alex, two of my closest friends, and i keep forgetting them, or schedules, time, and other shit makes our talking harder, adn then when we do talk it is awkward as fuck...and i dont want to forget them....lose them...

But right as i think "Finally, fuck the past, fuck my old set, lets move the fuck on" I find that I cant just go "Hey, we are hitting it off, lets have simple dates" and I still want something deeper. But i know I am not ready and none of the people here offer that, when I could have simple fun times...I mean for the love of christ, why is it so hard?

Then i think i am over friends i lost...and shit happens to confuse me again. Oh hey, finally got to teh point "Well, fuck it, Emily truly dont give a shit bout me." and find out she unblocked me. After blocking me. and i have no fucking idea why for either of those. At all.

And Clint just randomly always popping in when i am past him...

Fucking hell. And you know the worst of this shit? Alex, Kasha, all the others who i know are having issues, god, they have actual troubles and deserve to be upset. Me? I am leading a good life and just cant fucking forget the past and move the fuck on.

Probbaly because i am still exposed to it.

I really cant wait till college, i want out, i wanna move on, I want a change. God, When i went with Shawn...being somewhere new. Brilliant. I wanna meet people, explore, go everywhere. I want out of this same place. God damn i do. So. Badly.

But man, i dont know if i am happy, sad, whatnot.

But I had to post this.

And dmamit, i gotta stop keeping people away. These random trust issues, and random phases were i just dont try for anything kill me...

Hah, but lets face it. If I got over it maybe i would have to try and fix stuff with Emily.

Or with Rachel.

But that risks failing and being hurt again, cant have that can i...

Damn i am a wimp now.

I shall make this happy for one week to mess with all zero readers.

If Emily wants to hate me oh well, her problem, ill probably just unfrriend her or something. But who cares, life is too short for the past

And now. An ode to my deckbox.

Oh deck vault
U so shiny
you have evil looking skull
And make other decks cower in fear
And hold dice
SECRET MOTHER FUCKING DICE COMPARTMENT
U so so shiny
FYEAH DECK VAULT

If you still hate me so much just remove me as a friend...I hate that this shit still gets to me....one year and ill be free. A new start...

Wow. Seems Emily blocked me from seeing anything she does but didn't defriend me...wonder how...God dammit. And I thought things had been going good...I shouldn't feel so shitty about this. Oh well. Guess I should take my advice and just let it all go. Right? Wrong? Who knows

So success baby week so far:

Party with friends on epic adventure, settler of Catan. Then go deliver KAsha books, end up at Quiet Girls, then Jeremys, fun hour or two.

Pull godly with yugioh and have fun work day.

decent work today.

Managed to enjoy Circle and not hate it secretly or be bored or hate self.

Fixing things with Alex.

Actually, fully, completely thinking and planning to go visit her.

Ponies. EVERYWHERE. HYES.

but ill be dammed if i am not feeling a bit sad about past still...why i dont know. What of it is getting to me? >.<

That same cardnal flaw still Is there. Taking everything for granted and pride. Why can't you say to Alex how much she means., and then stop fucking taking her for granted and start treating her well, oh, I dunno, like a friend. God I am being so awful, and the best I could scavenge to say anything was how I didn't stop following her on SMS. Except I made it seem like an act of god. Why can't I say I purposefully only follow her on SMS and her blog. Why can't I detach her from the callous fear I have of the past and of maybe finally fucking getting over everything and truly move on. Why can't I grow the fuck up and apologize for treating her like shit.

Hell what am I even upset about, me and Emily can laugh and talk and act like friends to some degree again...or do I need everything to some semblance of how it was to get over my idiocy.

But really, god damn, what is my problem? Moving away from sexist ideals, done being that asshole extremist atheist who talks down religion and bitches about it for no real reason (none better than extremist religious fanatics, cough Miguel), im trying to support feminism and equality everywhere and stop being closeminded. I fucking going forward expanding friendships with new people and beig fine with old friends like Tay, I am fucking trying so hard to better myself...

Yet why do these demons stay dammit. Why can't I accept back the past, why can't I help further try the circle, why do I burn every bridge lashing out at Alex as if she is a cause rather than innocent, why don't I learn from these mistakes...what is holding me back from moving on.

Especially since all you wanna do every time your under the stars is ask her to help you plan a visit, and convince her to stay outside with you, watch the stars, and soldier on to the sunrise. I mean he'll, you barely wanna share that with Laura and you still dig her.

Man this got ramble, especially for how happy you've been...

Am I actually mad I have been happy'? Man, is that masochism or what?

Just...who knows. Who the fuck knows. I need rest.

How should I feel about the past. Dammit. I know past will never be fully attained. Even if I refriended Emily the spark and closeness is gone. And wth how much I've been fucking up same seems to be with Alex...

And can I look to the past and future?

And when the fuck can I stop being scared. Scared of what Alex or Emily or others think and shy about me. Their judgement. Their truth.

God I dunno.

But yet...im happy...

Im left behind and its my fault...I really don't know how to feel

Don't you love how you push everyone away. All this does is make you miss what you had. With Emily. With Alex. With others...

Might as well push forward for the sunrise

Shit. That was amazing. I turn head and see a meteor/shooting star....bloody amazing. So gorgeous. And people wonder why I come out here. Fuck Taylor trying to stop me on this. Never gonna happen

why can i never give up on the past

Here you are. Still wishing you could go back to being close to Maggie. That died so long ago...just let it die

wait whut?

Why today of all days, where every bit of the past, every second chance, every old little thing being there...did I not want it? Why did the past become so utterly pointless to try and fight for in my eyes?

Who am I kidding. I know half the reason is everything changed. I liked past because of who we use to be...but everyone changed. So have our relationships. And me. Definitely me. I mean...I am on low terms with most of the Circle or on no terms. I just feel alien and awkward there, its lost spark for me it once held...which is hilarious. Cause I started that place. Sorta. Funny shit.

But today...I started wanting to grasp the present, not worry about the unknown and future and past. I hope I stay like this...

Though I hope I can settle back into the circle...if it even lasts.

Wow. Still got pessimism going.

But I don't know ...it has much merit. Especially as a place of all our friendships, with so many shattered bonds ...

And I have replaced it with bitchifiers in so many ways...but dammit. How horrible am I...I will commit to the place I made so many memories and vows...I should at least...

No. Actually. I wont let imaginary restraints hold it. But I will full well try, try if only for the present and because I can. I will do what I want and try if I please because I please. And try to reinvigorate with new life like Laura...

But her and Tay...so odd being there. They are not the circle... I guess past still tugs on me. But old beliefs are useless.

And I still have bitchifiers...

Even if I am the least of all of them and not as close to anyone there as they are to each other....

But what else is new?

And my eyes are bleeding, too much use. Night blog nighty night. Your gonna get ignored again soon. One day till Dresden!

Oh fine. Im not over her. Dammit. My only thought was that it should be me with her. Wishful thinking eh?

Oh well.

Just gotta move on with it all. What's done is done.

Also. Captain America was great.

...wow. that's a realization. Now it is easy to understand Bren after him and Alex broke up...you have done everything he was doing before and put everyone into the position as before without trying...or even fully realizing it...wow. that hits hard.

here, somethin to read

Its odd... I kinda realized. Laura is changing so much, so many things she accepts that was against her principles, so many different everything in a short time, and I have wondered why it could be...then it hit me....what if I am the only one reinventing myself. I mean...it kinda fits.

And shit. Messed up again. Sorry Alex. ><

Hrm. Why can I not talk to others...actually why is it with the specific few people I would I lose rage quick...and other emotions... but when did my pride and vanity become so much I started worrying about strength, seeming tough, invinncible and I couldn't trust others?

Man. I think I have become worse than Benny Ben and Laura.

And I also still can't forgive myself for things... I know your right Alex, self hatred is useless...but why do I still tortture myself over old things...

Hmm. I can see some validity to what Emily said before "we are so close yet honestly I still don't get you and you never open up..." or something like that...

But why is it that I am like this. I mean....damn it is obvious people worry about you.. God damn. Aalex obviously is really worried about you that she has been waiting forever to get you to open up...

Hell. Why is it so hard?

Man. Odd.

I do so much theory but not fact...

I love many. I trust these people...but why wont I open up? And why don't I try to actively begin stuff? And why do I put everything off...

I need to work on that. I just take it all by stride but there is not time dammit. I could probably visit Alex sooner than later. And I need to stop dwaddling with driving. I need to call D&D and do school work and everything...

But im not in a rush. Or motivated...

I can't even get motivated for games...

I need my meds...but they are so scary...they change me...

Wow I meant to only stick with first sentence. Oops. But there. Blog. Happy Alex?

fuck this -_-

CAnt stop feeling sorry for myself. Realize Max can get a nationals invite for yugioh but i still cant even do decent at regionals, During the small time Sam is on and I was dying to talk to her my phone freaks out, then it seems even though Shawn can hang tomorrow, and even though Justin is gonna be at KEvins most of the time, and i always leave him alone i cant fucking hang with my best friend because i have to watch a kid who wont be here -_-, oh, and the Pokemon roleplay i am doing started without me because Justin wouldnt get off and they didnt tell me.

Fuck this.

One of those days.

And apparently Mark doesnt need me in work tomorrow, but that is just cause he is a bitch about my schedule. Probably just to get at my dad somehow -_-

Fuck this.

Oh and Harry Potter fans are on the as-bad-as-twilight rabidness. And I am growing more and more annoyed with it just from how annoying they are. And hating myself that i ever get like that.

Fucking hell I am in a bad mood.

And these grippo chips barely have any taste. Of course.

Fucking hell. All of it to hell.

"You always were in the present Dick, it was what made you beautiful , but with me you get stuck in the past..."

Kinda how I feel, this will be a bit rambly.

God, it is really odd. I really cant get over missing the past when it comes to Emily...Not romantically, that is for sure gone. But I guess i cant get over losing the friendship. So odd. I mean, I guess it makes sense, she was probably the person in life I opened up most to and got closest to. Only person i could tell i was crying, and first person i told about Ron to...

But it is wierd. Looking at Emily and Laura...So many differences. I almost miss how Laura was...No, I like how she has changed...but i just...actually i have no idea how to explain. It is odd, what she was, or how she seemed, something about her, some spark...so many things have changed...I guess what i viewed of the past and wanted is not aligning with who i got back.

And then, watching emily without being able to truly be involved...I love how much i have seen her change and grow in the years. She has become so amazing in many ways...She stands up for her self, and there is such confidence, poise, power, and all of that with her now. I can see how she is changing...and i miss that i couldnt share that with her, I miss the laughs that could have been, the jokes, hell, I miss the fights that we would laugh at later...God dammit shouldnt i give up on the past by now?

But man, I use to stick to present, but when they are involved I get stuck in the past...or missing the present, what could have been, all of that.

And dammit, figures the time I want to break past the shell and open up to talk to alex like i say i will, I refuse because i want to show some courtesy to emily.

Guess the past really does haunt me.

But you know what is funny, the thing that always sticks with me, and I hate that I never paid enough attention to with both of them when dating? The smile, god, they had beautiful smiles.

God, I just need to get over it all...But I cant. Wonder what is wrong with me there...

but despite the missing her, despite any sadness, despite anything i feel...I dont feel sadness.

How odd.

Why am I so hypercompetitive for attention and bases and for being placed high....

Maybe because I always had to try so hard for attention when I was with Clint and tay...and especially from how little I got compared to others when young. I know many got it worse...but I was odd out. No one withing 5 years on. Either family side....seeing all the others get attention...it is like when someone starts getting more attention I feel I have to compete....when Ben got more attention from laura I realize I started talking more to get his aattention for no reason...

So odd...

Why am I so self conscious I always need reassurances

scared of the emotions

...God. funny. Laura summed you up perfectly talking about herself. Ahahaha.

What the hell. So In my sleep deprived near drunk state something happened...

I realized I have replaced lost circle with bitchifiers.

I am actually having good plans to meet Alex and Zach and others.

And wierdly...I became a bit smitten with Alex's sister Sam. I mean. She is hot, hilarious, pretty, fun, and right around my age. Though it probably wont amount to anything.

...but Zach seems amused by our flirting. XD

But I had fun so much in chat...like. it was when circle talked for hours. Guess I am moving on and starting anew.

I didn't realize just how amazing it was till I realized whit was jealous and reminded....

But I feel bad. Knowing I was making whit upset. And realizing that circle probably wont come back...hey. funny. I start a lot. Circle...hell. I think I ripped name of that's 70s show. But that was me. And I kinda started bitchifiers.

But God. This is good. And even if it is nothing someone who will flirt with out any issue...and I can find or get flings. Distract from romance, solve lust.

Potentially find romance...

But God. The fact that it would be hellish is making it more attractive.


Haha. I gotta stop loving what's bad.

And sex cookies. Nuff said

Dammit. Having some pangs of want. Dammit. The sad thing is even through this all I feel there was something between me and Laura.

Time to suck up feelings and kill them.

Man. I hate wanting someone when I also hate the idea of dating at the moment. Makes sense, right? XD

Dunno what im doing.

But the night sky is amazing.

Man I am retaining anger about this hacking. Well. Not hacking since its my idiocy that gave the pass out. I mean...I know Jess, whit and Em did nothing to it but still. Its not even just SMS updates like I've done...they actually got on. And worse I know beyond doubt it was Emily. She knew pass cause I told her in trust...and I don't know if I should feel anger or relief...

I mean...she still hates me it sometimes seems...and I still have no fucking idea what I feel....and it was just harmless fun....but doing something like that to someone you have a bad relationship with.....usually you jokingly do that to people you have good relationships with...

Im not making any sense.

And im trying to rationalize this as a chance that maybe everything is lightening up...

Why can't I handle the death of a friendship...

And why can't I decide if I am angry or not?

Part of me laughs at it... part is really fucking pissed...

Ugh. Why can people affect me so much.

Hell. Part is the daughter you have traained your self to assume innocent is involved with the Tirol you are confused about.

God damn this is complex for no reason...

And I need to stop arguiniing with people I know. Or doing even stupid little jokes... irony. The hidden reason you felt upset when Emily called you out was how she said it. Asshat. The term you rarely see anyone else's use...that you have as your joking internet hero persona. Asshatter.

Hah. So funny there

Lets see:

I had a few hour talk with Nyquist, then Laura came out. Got really close to both of them. Especially ben.

Finally got people, or at least Ben, Hess, and Laura, to realize that it is not depression that brings me out to the night sky, but the pure unadulterated beauty. The fireflies dancing amongst the starry sky showing all that is and ever was to let us know we exist, to show us the truth, and let minds clear and become nothing but simple...

That made no sense...

But it is amazing.

Adopted Mel the melon who lost his life.

Fought around with friends. Violence is too much fun in a controlled enviroment.

Had the brilliant idea to glowstick in the pool.

Me Laura Ben and Jess went on a midnight donut run and walmart run, we didnt get masks but got a Tepid plush and Optimus Prime shirt xD

stayed up till 6 to see sunrise, the clouds stopped it, but soo worth it.

Except having to work on 3 hours of sleep.

And my whole body is in pain. Worth it.

Watched fire work at Jessicas.

I ran, jumped into a roll, and managed to continue rolling the whole way, so fun. So painful.

Me and Benny ben totally owned Laura. She was holding Nyquist's hand, he went to feet, i was like "High five" she did, i grabbed her arm, he got legs, and we kidnapped her.

It was really fun.

I ralized i am still not free of demons.

Nor am i ready for a relationship

And the urge to want a relationship is odd. I actually dont, but vaguely finding myself falling for people for no reason. Oh well. Not going to fall prey to differnt shit like that.

I think something between me and Emily...Lightened...I guess?

Who knows. I am really at ease recently. I love it.

Im gonna lose this cause I keep taking her for granted...

And why? Because it's the same issue you see in all your blog posts. If it ain't the girl you want. Or if it ain't the past...you lose sight. You take everything for granted that isn't your crush or your past. Let it all the fuck go. Years your mourning the same shit and holding onto the same shit. Grow up.

Its a wonder Alex deals with you for how retarded you are.

Gives an edge to explaining why others don't.

This is not good for anything.

There was something else you should have said...just now...3 am memory sucks.

Work on shit. Fix shit. Dammit.

And tomorrow...make cookies. Do et faggot. Make them!

Hmmm. Thinking. It is funny. You know how in movies when a couple breaks up and share friends one of them lose those friends? Thinking about it...that kinda happened. Especially with Bren...Bren...God how did that go to hell...I tried staying close so long... even when Alex and everyone was mad at him...I tried. I tried to get back our friendship....why did it never work....we were so close...now he is best friends with Alex and Emily and them again....

God...sick irony...but it is story of my life...."man we really have drifted apart" Clint said to me...I tried to bullshit and say it was not true... but it is....

Corey...Raj...Sam...Michael...Bren...Scotty....Clint and Taylor...in many ways Ben...what is wrong with me that it happens like that. Dammit I value friendships with guys so close....yet they fall apart...what is wrong with me there....

Hell I ruin all friendships....I barely am keeping intact with Alex from my idiocy....

God dammit. I hope to hell...all of this...bitchifiers...Laura...Nyquist....Hannah...Rachel, Alex, Sidney, Kasha, Ben....all of them...I hope it can be salvaged and maintained...

But in one year...in one year everything changes.

And im making so many promises...can I keep them? Will I want to? Will they want me to? Will I even be able to...God...everything is going so fast....

Never should look back.

And how this started? Seeing an innocent talk between Emily and Bren, and looking at pics of 09. And ya know? I can't remember it almost at all. I barely remember anything. I don't remember how short Laura had her hair...or anything. Im left wondering if I am meant to forget everything...

If so why can't I forget random feelings I don't even consciously mean to have... dammit. Why do I still feel ...so so much for Emily. Why despite being great friends with Tay again do I subconsciously still feel the betrayal, hate, the other festering emotions...why despite having so many new close friends do I feel jealousy at how close some are with Bren and Clint and scott...and hatred at how distant we are...why dammit why. I DONT WANT THESE. WHY DO THESE DEVILS ALWAYS APPEAR FOR ME.

Why am I always in a situation that gets to me like this...

At night. It's always night. Everything changes then....

And tomorrow we are going to tays. Thank God. Nyquist will be there too. Him and shawn give me some extra comfort...

And a pool. Not only that but the stars. Oh God Almighty ....the wonderous stars...

And the fireflies...

That is what I love in summer.

Fireflies and the night sky with a warm breeze...most beautiful sight ever

I need to stop goofing around. Need to do more driving...or at least enough to pass the school. Then I can be fine...one month to pass class and get everything scheduled so I can take exam. I give myself a month.

Shit shit shit. Im looking back again, dwelling, regretting. Stop. Dammit.

No! I had a great day with shawn, we adventured and convertted Laura to the Gl.

Then...man. I had the time were I realized how amazing Ben was. He held back his feelings because of me. He wingmanned for me. And the only thing on his mind foremost was being a good friend. God. It was like Taylor and Emily. Except instead of feeling pissed and betrayed, I felt honored, trusted, kinship, friendship, like I had a bro that actually would be there...so I told him to ask her out. Hell. Even if she didn't realize it, for her she kept sticking herself out there...I had to tell him to. What kind of friend would I be to prevent it because of my feelings when he did so much for me?

And I felt happy. Free. Good.

And then I started letting go. Attempting to reach out to people in small ways...

So why am I looking back and torturing myself. Dammit Kasha why end up getting me to do this....

I wont falter...

Im working so much harder...need to do so much better...I wont falter dammit I wont

Well that was one of the hardest things I ever did

Ah man. That was fun

ts odd. Today I have spent it thinking. And eating. God so much eating.

And I don't got one damn idea what im doing.

Or why I feel what I feel. I should be upset over shit? Right? Em and Tags one year is coming up (Congrats you two, even if you don't read this and hate me), the 13 months since our break up (pathetic I can't forget the exact dates, but they were an exact month apart) , I am definitely losing the girl( and it seems like she is falling for friend) , I seem to be ruining one of the few friendships I still had and liked ( what else is new), and im going down a constant hole of repetitive feelings with no logical basis.

But right now? I feel...great. oddly happy. Usual eye before storm were I shrug shit off? I don't know. But right now...I just want to enjoy myself. Do nothing. Get my liscense, just goof around.

And I still want to thrill seek. Just make out with a stranger, or hell maybe more. I wanna try pot, alchohal I wanna go and fight. I wanna take up fencing, try kayaking, swim in the wild, start weight lifting. Who knows! God. I want to live!


But am I just hiding? Will, or more accuretly, when, will I feel different.

I mean. Even now I get a flash of jealousy. But I am ignoring it...am I over it or is a prelude to hell?

And ya know. I am drifting between time. Falling back in love. With old series. Falling for manga and missing Clint. Wanting to revive the circle I started...despite knowing im the most unwelcome and unneeded one. Then looking to the future and present. Wanting random things, wanting what I have to stay what I will have.


What the hell am I doing? God. I have no idea.

I hope its good weather again. So I can sit in woods and meditate.

Then realize I am an ass.

You know,, did you ever just consider half of this is rebelling.. . No not against your old life. You are reveling against Emily. You want to forget her and. Get past her. But you can't. So you lash out. Pain you never have truly confronted eats at you, so you tried to destroy any connection to things that you connect to her...

Which is harder when you let her into every facet of your life.

So now...you still can't pick up the pieces. Cause you are halfway in a forest with no idea whether to turn back PR forward.

And that seems to be about right...I thought I. Was. Gonna delete this place...guess that didn't happen

What to say to the truth...honestly. I have no damn idea. Frankly. You pegged it all and were right. And ya know. I don't know how to feel or what to say.

Bleh. So odd...at the moment why am I not devolving into my usual pattern...pretty true on how damn predictable I am. Hell I hate myself for it all the time which is part of said pattern.

Hmmm...but something is clicking today where I started driving fucking brilliantly...no fear...

How am I supposed to fear.

Funny. You keep a handleful close, then get upset when any number don't pay you attention (or whoever I crush on or am currently getting close to) after you did them, and generalize and hurt everyone...

You really do take everything for granted.

And man. She is right. Contradictions out the ass. What is worse is how little you get on how you feel. Or why you address this to yourself in second person.

But how do you feel about Emily? Love? Hate? Who the fuck knows. You switch between the two. And can't ever decide.

Then you just use everyone... funny you were used when you were proving your worst and most idiotic.


Man. Why do you feel so...odd now. Not happy. Not upset...weird. usually you'd be repulsed at yourself. It is there a bit... but man.

You are distancing yourself still. But funny. The few people that would help the most and you honestly still trust you either distance in a fear of how you might feel for them, or that they may actually still make you feel, hell, make you think, may help you.

Right now its so objective. Maybe cause im tired....or expected this.

Not even too excited bout Butcher coming back...wonder how that'll get to me later. Same thing as your first date with Emily...

Finefinefuckedupfangasmfine?

And now I am really tired. Actually I have been all day. Maybe being woken up early gives me driving skills.

Tonight's dreams will be interesting...

Subconscious will probably guilt trip me. And fuck almost fell asleep. Night

Im sick of this. Really. I am sick of bothering with trying to convince myself and others I am hateful and spiteful easily. I can't okay?

I just can't get to hating people. I still fucking like Emily. I can't fucking bring myself to hate her. God dammit. I am sick of pretending the other doesn't exist. I hate the ill will. I am sick of all this. I am fucking weak. I can't hate her though. Not fully...

I also like Rachel, im sick of trying to be spiteful or mad. I can't handle it. I am sick of wasting time on hate....I just wanna move on...

I don't want to be considered a horrid person...I need to work on it...but come on...I don't even insult Taylor's manhood anymore...im trying to be a better person....I really am...God help me...I am. I swear...


And I need to admit it. I am afraid. Im afraid that all my friends I am close to will fade. I've had best friends online and real life that its faded with before...

And God. I don't want that with Laura. And others. Especiadlly Will"), Keenon, Alejandra, Zach, and Bryan...God I don't know when it happened but they mean a ton to me. The are some of my closest friends. I need this to last..

Will...God. I wont lie. He is easily my best friend. We understand each other and are alike and get what we mean even with our many issues of being sympathetic and such. And I trust him insane amount...I hope it stays. I don't wanna lose it like with Bren. Will is like a brother. He really is one of the best friends I've made in a while.

And I swear to God don't any of you fucking get Moody or bitchy like has happened before. I can talk good about someone without it meaning something bad about others.

Im afraid to trust. Im trying to keep open with others but its hard...

Im so sick of the hate...I don't want to keep this image I have...but im trying so hard to seperate myself from the past and make a new image I am hurting other things...

Dammit I will break through this.

But lets face it. Even with any amount of success and romance and friendship you truly want will never be able to be obtained. Dammit.

You are trying to change and better yourself for a girl who hates you, a girl who wont fall for you, friends you haven't met, and a world you fear. Ain't that the start of a bad sitcom?

And you know...I want a long distance relationship. How ticked up is that. I want to be able to keep physical out of it. I want to have to cherish any time together and never take it for granted....

Man things have changed....

Hmm. Im crying again...you know. Its funny. Multiple people have talked to me while I was obviously upset and I don't think any single one bothered asking what was wrong....kinda depressing...

I must not do that to friends...if I can console I need to try...even if they seem to only be upset from minecraft.

And woah. I can see the amount of views of my blog and each post? Did not know this. 3 average. Very surprising. Kinda wonder who...think will was the third...

guess you never forget...

Really. The only good dream has to be an utter nightmare cause it proves you wrong. God dammit. You try so hard to distance yourself from the past....try so hard to say you don't care. And your first good dream is simply you are friends with Emily and others again...guess you are pretty bad at that hatefullness...

Man. Its sad how almost desperate I feel for romance.....I don't even want lust...almost trying to go after anyone.

And truth or dare has gotten so boring. We did worse in 8th grade. God I miss Clint being there for that

But man. This is awful...it was a life were I was happy...dammit...

No permanent solutions to temporary problems...God...I could sit in garage with car on...die asleep from carbon monoxide...no permanent solutions....God I want to so bad....

That's a great way to lose feelings you don't want. Lose feelings for everyone. Simple and enffective...

Its all a God damn game. Fucking hell why am I so awful. I use and abuse. I treat it like a damn game or story. Plotting for drama or trying to find the right combo to win or other shit. God damn I am such a horrible person ...why do they put up with me...

Whys it always end at the very beginning...

Why do I always cry unable to trust anyone...

Why am I so prideful and horrible. Heh. Laura thinks she is a seclusive person...at least she seems to trust people...

bullshit

Such a perfect title. That is all im living. Doing. God. Painting these images of myself. I still don't know myself. And face it. All of this shit. My romances. Friends. Half of them are nothing...hell. the reason you don't try to plan a Bros night is you don't care...

I should probably lose this self hatred and inferiority complex...

And trust someone...I don't care who reads it here...but can't talk to anyone...


I am a hypcritical coward...

Nothings changed...

What more can go wrong ...

Always without fail I fuck up. God dammit dammit dammit. Really. Laura is alienating me so much that I can't even get a damn hug while Ben can. Dammit. I just want to be frriends and that can't even happen.

And dammit I can't even help but feel awful.

I try to get a ride from mom instead of Laura since gas costs have been killing Laura it seems and mom and dad get pissed and I lead them into a huge fight...

And I keep messing up everything the whole night...

Why am I so horrible. Im literally going to cry myself to sleep. Fuck all this ><

God dammit. I wish I never befriended anyone. God. I hate this. Im not acting on, pushing, or mentioning feelings, I am burying and ignoring them, and I still have to have the friendship suffer...

Again...stupid feelings make my friendship suffer which makes me feel like shit and unneeded or cared for...and she is the one I trust most and won't be able to talk to...and it gets worse...

Fuck this pattern...

Happens with everything...

I feel cheated....been a while since I truly felt that way....

I wish I could fall for or be with Rachel...dammit..dammit dammit dammit...

restart

And recreate. That's what im doing. Forgetting morals with no true validation against drugs that don't deserve to be hated. Forgettting my love of anime and manga for comics. Hell. I've even quit trying to hold anger, I let it show and let it fly. Not always best thing to do. But im not holding it in. Im done trying to hide when I think people are hot, at least with parents or girls I like. Im done hating on the ideas of small flings, hell. I've talked bigger than I would ever do. I've never just made out with someone. Even though I've said so and people assume so. And im not hiding as much, flirting with people and happily enjoying that.

Hell. Even friends are resetting. Im still talking to Alex and Ben. But sadly I have gotten a bit distant. Laura and I still are close. Too much for comfort. But what is Jason, Nyquist, luke, Jacob mckeever, Alejandra, Zach, Keenon, will, Bryan, Hannah, except me resetting and retrying.

And yeah. I may sound horrible. But hell. Its change in life. And I knew most things wouldn't last even if I said I would. Dreamers dreams are not meant to be reality. And you know. I don't care if you guys judge me. Or think im bad. Im gonna enjoy this while it lasts, but im happy and if changing is what causes it. Then sobe it.

Ha. I wonder who actually reads this.

But you know. Its funny how accurate shows are to me. Sure now me and Laura will seem a loose end...but eventually it wont matter.


But ya know...not even trying to be hopeless romantic (when did romance begin ranking higher than sex?) I honestly think we could go somewhere with this all. Too bad.

Heh. Lets see where this all goes!

Man. Getting over people is a bitch. I need out of this town.

Wow. I am so distant from everyone...Hell. I dont even check their blogs...talk to any of them even though now most answer...I dont sum up feelings...I think I just gave up on people and my current life. And am trying to go on with new friends or something...its kinda like clint did...

and just like he said im happier than ever...

Haha. How is it that giving up has become so easy? Screw all this shit, lets move on. Forget those bitches, forger my emotions. Lets live with what we have. God. Not caring is so much easier

Why am I so angry? God damn...

Oh what the fuck am I trying to kid. Im jealous as hell that some random guy made out with Laura. And I am angry because im in such a no win. I know she is not into me and that asking her would cause pain. For us both. Yet I still wanna ask her out, hell moreso because I shouldn't. Despite knowing, wanting, and trying it is hard if not impossible to forget about her. And even if I do I will hate myself for not trying.

And I hate that I am so close to her, realizing things and being told things I doubt even Ria knows...yet its so far. Wow. I sound like a bad cliched movie.

Cept I wont come out on top.

Haha. Funny. Maria says it would end bad cause me and her would probably be far away in college...I actually want a long distance. I want to be forced to only let feelings grow. To have to appreciate what I had more. I want that stuff.

So odd...

And I am in such pain every breathe nearly has me in tears. Joy.

Guess its time for a fun trial. Lets see if I can be a good friend without romance. And see if I can move on in life. And not destroy myself in the midst of it.

FURCK YEAH OUT OF SCHOOL

Freedom. That's it. That is why I feel better now. That's what I try to achieve through confidence or arrogance even if unfounded, freedom and pride. I don't want constraints. Not by anyone. Especially myself. I want to be free. Free to be the best when I know im not, or try to be. Freedom to do anything. Freedom to try what I want. Freedom is where part of it lies I think...

Hmm. And man. I gotta say. This school year I really did make some amazing friends. My online friends. Getting close to Laura again. Ben Nyquist (from now on Ben is this one, Benny Ben is O'Rourke ) , Hannah, and others. God. How interesting.

Comp science is nothing tomorrow. And Spanish to fail.

Sat on Saturday. Hoo boy. Need to do a lot better.

Well. Come on. Lets do this life. Im not going down. (Lets see how long this lasts)

And God I really wanna swim. So bad.

Man Ben Nyquist is getting published o.O that's insane. And the guy makes badass Pokemon shirts. (Whichiamprobablygonnagetone) I quite love that guy xD and am bored. It feels like seven...

Interesting

Man, have some suspicions but no idea whats happening. Oh well, what happens is what happens. I'm not gonna have any confidence shaken.

But I need to cool it down. I'm at the point were i am pushing the limits and really insulting or hurting people, need to calm self. I am overdoing arrogance and douchebaggery and all that to try and convince self of me being...well, whatever i choose to be. Cool it ya, you can be reasonably confident and all that, know the limits, find them. Calm yourself...

And fucking hell. Eat. You know how bad your meds are if you dont. God. Dammit.

You are honestly killing and seriously harming yourself.

Hmm, something else i meant to mention...

I need to find something for myself, something i can truly aspire and want. Even programming bores me a bit. I wish i was better at my job, so i could move up a bit...

I've been getting way too alpha male hormonal, not in lust, but like in physical activity. I haven't been doing much...but I want to start actually working out, I wanna fight, I wanna do something. Its so odd on it.

And you know. I hate that I have completely ingrained myself with stupid habits I picked up from my childhood watching TV. I need to drop stupid running gags i try to have or make, they become insulting or crappy. I need to drop my love and wants of catchphrases and all that kinda stuff. Sadly not awesome if you are not a character in a show. That sucks a ton. D:

But man, I am really pumped right now, meds are soaring through me, holy shit. I feel so awake, but so emotionless, whilst feeling hurt and happy and sad and nothing and uncaring and i want to walk and run and do everything and fly and who knows...

I feel sick and healthy and great....

Even my typing is showing the oddness. Wierd and late as fuck.

Its so interesting how something I was so interested in, in love with, was truly a fad. Hell. Barely genuine caring, more me trying to fit in. Yet now...I care so little. Anime positively bores me. Most manga too. Yet I use to adore it so much.

I guess my past romance with Emily fits there too.

Oh my so cruel of me. Saying I no longer care about the person who hates me and such. If you are judging me for saying this, fuck off, im returning the sentiment, and as she is justified to hate me I am justified to feel the same. But honestly, I don't hate. I just don't care.

Though I'd lie if I said it didn't lean to hate at times.

But it leans to love too.

Old feelings are never quite forgotten.

Though I do respect quite a few things of her.

But you know, giving up and acknowledging that I do not give a damn...its freed me. Im so happy recently. And feel like I can move on with out making myself feel blame and guilt over everything ever just seeing Emily..

And finally I feel like this is mine again.


I have control. Sense. Will. Happiness. A purpose.



And you know, to anyone who thinks im being horrible. Yeah. I sort of am. But I don't regret it. This is mine. And now I have confidence again to say so and stand up for myself.

So honestly. Life. COME AT ME BRO

Damn. Slice if pizza and bag of chips is all I ate in 24 hours....really really feel bad.

Glass cuts deep and thin and really hurts...

Broke two flipsies on accident.

Comics got stolen.

Fuck. This. Week.

Odd day. Got attacked by seniors and loved it. Water ftw.

Got to see Laura's i-really-love-this-but-wont-admit-it smile with watch.

Got a hug when i gave Lindsey her watch. Pretty awesome. ( so Sue me, I still have tiny crush xD)

Sam seems to actually be considering inviting me to her party. Which would be pool party...she'd be pretty hot. And I totally think she digs me. And once again. Tiny crush. Sue me.

Got raped by hail.



Almost saw a crash.


Someone jacked my comics D:<

Still couldn't say how I feel to Laura.

You know. I think I fear acceptance more than rejection.

Funny. I think I fear Laura and Alex because they make me think and know me better than myself.


And you know. Letting go and accepting rage made me feel so much better recently.

And yeah. I know im being an ass on some of this. And a hypocrite. And that lots of this is my fault. But at least I admit that.


But man. I dunno how to deal with Laura. Do risks outweigh gains? Or vice versa. And if she says yes...what..

And really tired.. think I have minor head injury from hail. Head hurts. Bad.

Amazing weekend is amazing

God, such a great one. Such. A. Great. One.

God i love doctor who. I really do. Such a great show.

And you know, I am really glad, i think I actually have this as my place to myself again, rather than for others.

Its funny as everything falls into place

aha, you know, that is exactly it. What I was missing. I am pissed, I was bullshitting myself. It is not guilt i feel, no it is, but not over what i thought. And it is not all the different things i feel. Its rage. Hate. I dont care for you, you annoy me, honestly you are a hypocrite and piss me off. That is it. I dont care anymore, beyond the small bit i never can get rid of.

And you know, it is true, history repeats, a lot. Funny funny.

But you know, I can see full well whats going to happen, and it wont take long. I know what it will be and I find it amusing at how obvious it seems.

Oh man I am in a sadist mood.

But God, even driving I feel a bit confident on, with practice soon ill get better. Its like magic.
Or anything like it.

And really thinking I will ask Laura out. Ya know. Always better taking the risk.

Hahaha. Sense of self, sense of concept. Interesting interesting.

You know. In the end Laura probably has forever been my perfect person.

And you know. I wanna try weed. Its so...lacking in any real issue. Why is it bad?

Drinking im still iffy on.

Odd. I find some of the friends, the ones i care about I just dont...care to deal with. I like them, but have no worries over them. Its odd. Its like a theory not fact.

Then half of them i am really hating more and more.

And then Laura, dammit, i am falling too hard.

And failing at cooking cinnamon buns

Some people are so shallow. Realizing what Stephanie meant and said. God. I don't like vagueblogging. But on off chance someone reads this I don't want to start crap. But getting confirmed that she meant that...even if for a friend, that is so shallow it is sickening...

Dammit, i keep falling more and more in like with her, we are flirting more and more, and getting closer. More open, telling, talking, admitting in our stupid round about ways...but is she admitting feelings, or am i the only one...Should i try or no...Dammit. So confusing.

DAMMIT WHY CANT I STOP FUCKING UP DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

800 dollars in checks and I didn't get it signed...after being warned on just hundred dollar checks......fucking hell...and Deb made it sound like corporate will get on Marks case doubling his anger to me...and I didn't get the purchasers name...and then this can affect dad. Badly. Shit shit shit.

Two hours I've been crying. Dammit. I spent the whole fucking car ride hiding my face crying. The damn ride back where I love talking to Laura. And the whole time I wanted to confide how upset I was. Get a hug if only out of pity...but couldn't.

So damn proud...

I fucked up so badly.

Dammit. And the damn girl I like I couldn't fucking talk to. How useless am I.
I hate myself...God dammit.
I....dammit dammit....can't get coherent
And all this has brought back breathing troubles from past few days...breathing hurts so bad....

I hate myself...

I don't even know what I am going to say...was going to say...I always fuck up the damn finish >< I always forget that crucial detail. I am so useless.

Fuck all of this. I quit. I don't even get why I entertain these stupid notions. Hah. God. How stupid am I to ever think I'd be liked hah. What a damn moron. Fuck romance. Fuck my damn hormones. Fuck people and myself. I'm sick of it all. I want to die badly. I want out.

Fuck you mom. I am sick of these impossibly high standards. Wasting money on tests I failed? A fucking 29 first time on ACT is failing? Most people I know struggled to get that high second or third. Jessica and Lindsey at work where awestruck. And that is fucking failing? And 1870 on practice sat? That is bad now? That is top 25th percent. And you know. I did great on the AP exams. So fuck off. God. Great job parents. Ruining the only day I expected to have be a good one this whole damn week. This week sucks utterly. I'm done with everyone today. Fuck this. I am sorry I'm not fucking Michael and so worthless. I hate this.

" so what's the deal with you Kanna, and with that friend of yours and the girl he is digging?"

"Digging? What, are we in the 70s"

" I rock old lingo, and Rock it well. But tell me your story."

" why should I? We just met"

" I could lie and give some fancy reason, but the reason is truly quite simple."

" and what's that?"

Then Mark gave a dogish grin and tossed Kanna a pop, as his eyes twinkled with amusement and he replied with obvious entertainment, " because, I want to hear it. Simple as that."

Also, one thing I've grown sure of. If any of you are reading this, and pissed at what I'm contemplating doing, or how I've talked about friends, or anything, I just want you to know I don't give a fuck. Honestly, half the people we know have done pot or gotten drunk. And on judging friends, well, you judge me often if you are mad about that. So fuck off. But I don't know who reads this. And frankly don't care. Honestly Alex is only one who updates and I sometimes read, but I realty don't bother much. Such trouble. Going to blogs. Actuallly I don't read any blogs. Truly. Such a bother. Lazy me yes. But Emily kicked me off her reading group, Casey updates once a month at best, Alex's succeeds in being confusing to get to (yes yes, I do lose link often, Sue me >>), and no one else updates. So yeah.

But basically. Imaginary reader who may be judging...fuck off.

But Hmm. Oddly a lot of people have been looking gorgeous to me for no reason. Emily has been looking quite pretty. Ben is sexy as always. Kasha has been, Claire, Laura, Rachel, Anna.

Though Anna seems to be a crazy ass mofo.

But pretty nice to look at.

And Nyquist is pretty fun. Love him.

I should expand my horizons more.

Especially when I'm losing interest in so many friends.

How creepy is it I feel like I am more mature than some of them...and actually think I may be right. Man. Jobs change a lot.

Need to stop spending...save for college...

Fuck I just went there? Damn...

Nothing will remain the same.

So much is different.

the musings of an idiot

Its odd. So much is really. So much is changing. And so many odd things.

You know, despite how much I'm falling for Laura what I'm loving more is how close we are becoming, and even if I can't get her romantically, enjoying and being fine with just being friends. Sure it sucks shit...but we are so close.. I needed that eh?

But its funny how wierd I am. And annoying that I'm letting some stuff influence me. I hate idea of cigarettes and alcohol...yet am growing more certain ill try pot. And maybe getting drunk. Hypocritical eh?

But really weird is I feel like I'm getting stronger and could get much more. Also that I'd look good with more muscle. I honestly like how I look.

And you know. Its all odd. So much uncertainty. Still trying to grab past...but I think its fading still.

And funny. I've become bad with physical affection to non family. Hilarious eh?

"Now you talk more perverted than me" you said that so shocked. It just now hit you that you've changed. She has. Everyone has. God. What a fool I am. Man. So much has changed...yet I'm stuck holding to facts and things of the past...anyway to update myself?

Jane meyers. Oh how you annoy me. For the love of all that is holy, there is such a thing as originality. Literally every single fucking status is a copypasta of some like site, or some sap site, in an attempt to see new or unique or something. It is not even the funny ones. Oh one day my liking of CJ will not be worth leaving you friended.

I need to clean my friends list. I have added so many people i didnt know. That i thought it did xD

And someone up there is sayin to me "Yo dawg, you know how you are on the edge on your view of weed and trying it. Well, right after you have that freak out, lets make everyone around you talk about it and drugs, and maek it so easily available it is not funny, ya know dawg."

Jokes. Idiocy. I'm like that stereotypical clown eh? I had issues being picked on and shit as a kid, so to every issue I act out or play around. God dammit. And I still beat self up all the time. I hate that anything, moment I feel awkward, I goof around. Mrs Sumner has me take pic with Laura and Rachel, and us act like we like each other. I goof off. All I wanted was to use that excuse and take a nice pic, and I couldn't do it. Just put arm around shoulder, or do something.....but no goof off.

Did I even get any good pictures of me....

What is my problem...

And still beating self up. I wanna retry. Now please?

Here is to bipolar old me.

Still feel shitty and depressed.
But really good too. Especially after Thor.

You know what is sad to me about pictures. Those super forced poses. Stand together and act like you like everyone. God. Dull. A little life and fun, dynamicness and joy. I also hate that people hide from them...

I hate how few I am in with others too ><

And Hmm. I feel like that vaguebooking was about me.

One day I should really talk to a therapist...

"What's your issue" yeah, say that in a snide tone Taylor. Make it seem as if I fucking did something wrong for watching the stars...and crying...outside...in cold...for two hours.....

I know he didn't mean it bad....but why does it seem that way....

I should have killed myself like I thought of doing...

I missed the stars. A ton.

Funny. Thinking of how beautiful she was...I think of her in her usual outfits and her cardigan...how the fuck do I remember what it is called. Fuck. Remembering a clothing name. Damn

Aaaaaaaand cut. Getting through without going depressed failed. Always mess it up at finals. Great seeing Taryn. Makes me really happy.

But you couldn't dance with friends.

Aren't you suppose to get less awkward with friends as timel goes on, not more?

Well. Day was great still.

Now let's see how this new day will go during sleepover

And I lost. Couldn't get into it. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I hate myself so much.

Why can't I go over with them. Dance. Do something...

You know a nice way of saying it? I'm the photographer but never the photo. I see and feel about all these scenes and record...but when am I going to be recorded and part of the scenes...

They are so beautiful...

God...and there is sandstorm. Fuck it. Battle music eh. Happy vs sad. Lets go

Knew Taryn would come... feel so awkward round her and Nick. Its my ultimate fantasy hope in front of me. Sad. Eh. But still means a lot. Why so I feel so sad... dammit. Dammit. Dammit...DAMMIT ALL GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WHY AM I DOING THIS. Why do I hate being happy...

Dammit

Hey...I know I say this way to much. But small things do mean so much. Regina walking by and slowing down till I see her, to smile and wave. Despite our minor communication...I dunno. Just nice, you know? Funny. I see everyone from here...and feel so utterly alone. Hey there is Clint. Havent even said hi or anything. Kid lives in the moment ...he is....eh. forget it...but thanks Regina. You'll never see this. But it means a lot.

Cue manic depressive episode. Or is this slow down? Realization of what I will never have.

God. I love Taryn and Nick. They have such a beauty to them, a perfection from difference and such an amazing love...almost makes me believe in fairy tale romances.

Man. Taryn is one of those one in a million, maybe hundred million, people you meet. Sh is so utterly full of life, so overwhelmingly joyous and powerful, she has so much presence and vitality you can't help but feel some joy. She has such a strong will and unueilding personality while being the kindest person ever. God. I lover. She is one of the most influential people I met, in such subtle ways. This makes me miss her a ton...man. Its so great seeing her again.

But it is so sad. Never ceases to be that I don't quite fit in. I am having fun with everyone...but Rachel and Laura who I am closest too I feel most awkward with. Dammit.

God, great that john is here.

But I'm still sitting here. Alone. Blogging. Wanting to cry...oh wow radio. Douche move. "No one wants to be alone" thanks for hitting where it hurts. Thanks.

Holy shit... Taryn is here. God. Sometimes things really work out so utterly perfectly. This day is so amazing..this is one to remember. God it is

Hoo boy. I am really conflicted. I have last minute anxious fears and am really thinking i made a mistake deciding to go to prom...

But have a feeling i will enjoy myself.

Even if I am a bit stupid going solo and just eventually seeing people...maybe next year when all teh sophies can go I will do it right. Maybe get a date. Who knows...

At least Jason will be there. Man...I actually really like that guy. Barely have talked to him, but hey. He is cool. andagreenlanternfanandsupergeeksoyeah

But I...kinda am excited. I like this stuff more and more each time i go. and it ends sorta well. PlusIlovedressingupsosueme. Although tux part is overdoing it. I like smaller and thinner jackets. I looooove the shirts though, they make me feel cool.

And that is the most you will hear me praise non geek shirts clothing ever.

but man...I dunno how this will go. Then Tays. Though apparently somehow everyone, guys and girls, are sleeping over. Urgh. I dont mean to be mean on that...I just really wanted to have another night for just the guys, ya know?

But who knows. Guess soon ill go, see how it all ends. At least I will prob get some pictures and such...But I kinda feel my inner loner and freak out coming. Shit.

But I do love times to use Elina.

Maybe tonight stars will be out and it will be warm. Cant wait for them.

Also, god, I still love how confident i get from things like competitions. I wish I had the competitiveness I do at things like computers.

But me and Michael won, got 20 bucks each. <3

Lets see how this goes.

come to me oh muse

Title unrelated, I just enjoy the line.

But God. Prom. This is a stupid mistake. So stupid...its entirely me. Hen. Funny. Already letting yourself be influenced by a girl you can't get...

Or can you. She has been flirting a bit, and flirting back if you do...but you are not gonna do anything are you. Nope
l. Idiot. Isn't this what you've complained about before? Why is this so different. When did you stop risking.


And man...my meds are scaring me...they change me so much. I've been paying attention. More and more...God. its like I'm not there. I get so confuse and jumbled on thinking...but once I have a focus its so clear, numbers, words, actions...they dance around and patterns and tricks become so obvious....

But I get hidden. It is like I am not there. I was trying on the tux and acting embarrassed and worried about letting Laura see. In my head I wanted to give that cocky grin I know I do, and make some comment asking how I looked, or some innuendo or something.

And the anger...if I don't eat it is so powerful..almost violent...I'm scared about it.

But God, I have such elation usually...I become so detached, cold, scared, angry, sad...scared. I lose my confidence. I hate that. I can't argue on meds....

I also stutter and can't tell jokes. My train of thought is all bumpy. Off them...its crystal clear, say it all and fast.
.

So scary...

Man. Dammit. I hate growing up at times, even if its taken me so long to do it in any way...remember when it was all black and white? I loved so and so, its obvious, beyond all doubt she is perfect for me, cue love story etc. But feelings aren't the only thing that matters. There is all the situations. What if it goes wrong. College soon. Can I control self
Can I get her parents to like me, can I not be jeleous of stuff..

Could I ever get over the inferioty from Clint. She really cared. That I could tell, more than ever before...and I have always felt like nothing compared to him. How could I follow him...if I did how could I without hating, blaming, and comparing...

Maybe I should stay forever alone. Or go gay. Or wait until I leave for colleage....then I can forget everyone...

But who am I kidding. Dammit. I know it breaks what I believe, and what I say...but like I knew early on that. Taylor and Emily where better suited than me, and had a feeling it would go that waay and they liked each other.....like I know that bnaruto spams suck and reborn spans awful plot twists... dammit if she is not the beast fit and the perfect person, who I should be with, or some shit like that...then I don't know who could be, and I know they probably don't hold a candle to her...

That sounded accuassatory, gay, almost insulting, and overly sappy...wow me...

But you know...when off on my meds I don't like looking directly at people. I try to hide eyes and gaze...I stare out...It makes me realize how much I want to travel. A lot.

And is it wrong that I actually think I could look really good? If I put on some weight...and oddly I've been gaining muscle or something. Weight and strength aren't as easy as for others, but I've been doing random things with ease, or more ease.

And I really wanna fight, like wrestle, or judo again, something for fun or sport

Man. Almost a year...dammit a whole fucking year. I hate how much I messed up. God dammit. Is it wrong I still yearn for the friendship I can't have so vicariously? Am I even allowed to shed tears over what I lost because of my fault? Or to accept blame and still never attempt to defend self? God I'm a moron. Man...no amount of. Apologies self inflicted pain or penance, sorrow, or guilt will make it right...God. I never had this true of a loss...and it hurts. Dammit. Its been a yearbook. I should get over it but can't. One long year...


What else was I gonna say...suddenly got sleepy...

Night.

Best of luck. Enjoy everything.

Happy star wars day. May the 4th be with you.

Dammit.

Also. Funny, master description of a person with depression is me last 4 or so years. So funny. Hilarious really.

And dammit...apathy and dissociation is becoming a second hand defense....damn....

Okay. Lets see. Beyond all doubt. My meds are worse hiigher dosages. If I don't eat a ton I lose personality, become mindless and confused almost. Get focused on one task. Later become angrier much easier...the ease at which I've almost told 5 people today to fuck themselves over nothing is outrageous. I should not be so mad so easy...its scary...need to talk to doctor..

Decided to go to prom for some reason...how did that happen. When I spent a year bitching bout it. Irony eh?

Ben made a mistake there...he is not gonna be able to handle it.

Hopefully he and Kasha don't destroy themselves right now...

They are though...

Dammit. I don't know what to do.

It sickens me that people would ever cheer over death.

I write friendship and sap speeches of tea level. Creepy.

Nyeh cat>nyan cat

Shiiiit this is going bad.

I hate being so angry recently...so easily annoyed, no compassion, nothing...dammit.especially when I'm trying to fix friendships

My lord. All these fucking random girls who feel the need to praise god so that i see 3 straight post on most recent, or send love, or any shit irk me. Effing hell my FB list is goin to die sooner or later. Deletin half of them.

But man, its sad how much I am finding myself wishing I would ask Laura out. And it is funny how true this alternate personality thing is, and how often something is just...clicking and its like someone is taking over. Cept it is doing it outside of work too. Last few days...Ive been lively and letting myself make it or fake it. Part is being off meds..

Damn, I love the meds, but the higher teh dose teh worse it affects personality...I need to talk to my Doc soon about that.

But man. I really do like Laura. Well, shit sux right?

Who knows, maybe the time will be right later eh.

But man, I think I subconsciously am flirting more...hell I know i am. Flirting, making jokes about us and stuff to test boundries, giving her special treatment and gifts. If she somehow doesnt realize im in crush then man.

Though I think she reads this...

Oh well.

My damn blog.

Plus we both are doing our usual pretend-its-not-obvious-and-kinda-flirt-or-ignore thing.

Hrm, do think she sorta flirts back, for her at least.

And man...I didnt realize how much a hug means, specially when you dont give or get one in a while.

In context, Summer (my little cuz) came for play, and to embarass her i went nad hugged in front of friends and at school xD

And I still dont get...HOW DOES GETTING SOMEONE ARRESTED GET THEM TO MARRY YOU.

But yeah....BROOKLYN RAAEEEEEEG

Posting I love you...after guess what...with alternating caps....on fb. Would it be wrong of me to consider that grounds for instant deletion? Especially when I have no idea who she is slash never talk to her..
Like literally never have

Still lost...but I gotta try. Have to do something. But I wander...why do I have such issues without having exact formulas and ratios. I hate outliers that break patterns. Guess its why I'm bad with Spanish.

Hey. Funny. Still can't get over Laura or bring myself to try anything.

Too bad too. I have a feeling if we tried we would be perfect for each other..
If such a thing exists.

Too bad Alex isn't here. We would fit great too. Irony is a bawse.

Really tired. Hour talking with dad and new boss is a Tad freaky. XD

Haircut. Woo. Identity change with it. Form of a bucket of water.

Soooooo yeah. Had something big to talk bout when. I shhowered...I forgot....night

Driving class 11... lets just get it all over with...at least somethings in control...

Joy. Looks like I may lose job sooner if I do lose it. Great. Everything is slipping out of control...

Bye bye beauty.

Good bye oh blossoming tree, its so damn sad that it only blossoms a bit...it is the most beautiful thing ever. It truly is.

Heh. You know. The thing that irks me the most, after the people who seem to only talk to me when they need something, is that I am so attention starved, so uselessly egotistical, and so fearful of leaving this private. I dont want people readin it. Yet any time anyone comments I feel like I am a bad person when they comment on me making it private. It sickens me that I cant get the damn balls to keep to it. When the fuck did that happen?

God...Let the anger come. Please. I want something...

But you know. Its sad. I keep writing all these texts to Laura, Alex, Emily, all these different people. Adn telling myself how fucking horrible i am. How if they wanted to talk over these months they would start something...

Then anytime i start talking to people, I want to just say "God i am upset, please lord, listen, help, save me!" but never can...

I am a coward. A true damn coward.

And god, gotta love irony, just the whole of it.

Really am a douchebag eh. I really am.

But it is sad. You know what it probably wrong out of all I say "I dont trust" that is a lie...I cant bring myself to take any forward steps. Its the same end result. But in the end i guess it is a different path.

What am I doing.

God, portal 2 becomes so easy on meds...when not feeling....odd...

I hate myself.

And its funny. Last year I thought i was really close to all my friends, and would try and stay in contact past high school. Now? Alex, Laura, Emily, Whit, Ria, Ben...bout right. Think that is the only group I'd keep in contact with if i could, or at least, who I would want to. Maybe Shawn adn Kasha...oh and Hannah.

But really...What do I know about any of them? I doubt i could answer the most basic things...I barely know my friends. How horrible am I? I think I can name two of those peoples favorite colors...but cant really name much else.

I am so god awful.

Why any of you give a damn and care is beyond my comprehension...

I could have so much...but fear inhibits me..scared....what is wrong with me. Why am I stopping myself from everything...

I just hurt people....I know I. Can influence yet view myself as nothing. Funny. Hypocriticalness at its best. Tell others they are too hard on themselves...believe I am worthless. Comedy gold.

Okay. Calm down me. Lets list the facts and try and make sense.

Alex, Laura l, Emily, Ben, whit, ria, Hannah are only ones I know I love and consider friends fully.

Tay, Rachel, Casey and most others I like at best. But they are the ones I know I wont keep in touch with later.

Alex. Hopefully Laura. I wish Emily. And above mentioned are only people I can see me talking to out of high school.

I am so scared I don't know who to trust.

In fear of pain and such I've put myself into a form of dissociation so I wont feel.

I am developing a loner complex to offset feeling of loneliness.

I'm breaking from not knowing myself.

If I truly wanted to restart I could hang with Ben Nyquist and Hannah. Just keep in contact with Alex and Laura and others.

I'm closer to online ygo friends than all but first mentioned group of friends.

I don't know what to do.

I am pushing Alex and others away thinking that they don't want me around and I'm not worthy

I honestly may have some disorder...

I hate Spanish.

I...don't know.

I hate myself for how I am hurting them. But once again can't say" I'm sorry" and how I feel. Maybe it is cause last few times I've tried with Emily it failed spectacularly

Sigh.

Feel...dammit feel...pain is better than nothing...

I love how stupidly cruel, sick, using, soulless and cruel we are. Weren't we supposed to have matured by now? We are all those stupid middle Schoolers we use to be.

Don't think I'm not including myself here.

Odd how simple it is to mess with a mind. Betrayal. Being basically ignored third of a year. Self hatred. Its so sickeningly hilarious. Ha. Ignoring everyone for study hall. What the hell am I doing. Seems like carpet diem is bullshit too.

And I really don't see what I'm supposed to say. Heartless of me. Sickeningly so. At least my stomach continues to be repulsed by me.

Its so strange...its like talking as a stranger....you know who your talking to...But who am I....I sicken myself while feeling nothing....at least my body knows to feel upset. I just...why can I not feel this...hate....rage...sorrow...love...am I so afraid of myself and others I give up altogether? Yeah. Sounds bout right. Pathetic. Utterly pathetic.. ironically I feel like throwing up too. Irony is grand. At least I am in perfect test taking situation...

Guess this week is good time for everything. Aka no time for everything. Except with Laura, and I figure things will go to hell there too by morrows end. Sounds bout right

I love how no one gives a shot till of goes full to hell. And how few do. And I love how soulless and unfeeling I have become...don't I usually break and feel guilt and worry by now?

Its like dissociation...nothing feels real. At all. I don't know what I'm doing.

Here you want the God dammed truth. I gave up on only the group that does t read this.

Alex Laura and Emily. All people I love still but in the end I feel that I AM THE ONE WHO IS UNDESERVING.

But honestly. I am use to being alone. If that is not obvious by all the comments I've made from these past. Few months, I've had no talks with anyone

Emily hates me and ive talked more with her in one mini conversation. Ain't that great.

Its Taylor Rachel, people who ha e used and demeaned me only I am sick of.

And wow. This girl... you try to do that shit? You are a conceited bitch. I know I said I wouldn't blog thus. But really Mayu, try to get me to have you as my first new friend with you, in a secret mean girls clique? That's such a bitch move. Sickening

Knew I should have left this private. -_-

Hahaha. Its funny. I'm at acceptance stage of death. And not dying or trying to. I'm content. And sick of hiding. I don't see reason to private, lie or sugarcoat. But you guys wanna know full well the truth. I hate myself, I feel alone, I feel demeaned, I feel useless. And almost none of it is you guys. Yu are just blunt of verbal arrows, mostly. But the fact is that I feel and am alone. Or so I think. And it causes a nice spiral. But at this point I've accepted it all. I'm a monster. I'm useless. Alone.

" God damn it. This song is awful. Not as bad as Blow."
"Just watch it be next"
Radio: up next on number 8 ke$ha Blow
Laura: FUCKING YES!
Me: knew that was coming.

Its kinda funny. Here's Laura, this girl I have never quite fallen out of like with, and is probably the perfect person for me...yet I know I am the worst for her. And despite all my pessimistic beliefs I still keep falling for her... irony is grand. Yet I know on probably 30 to 1 odds she is not into me and we wouldnever work, yet here I am wishing vainly for it. What kinda moron am I? The best part is how stupid I am about his. Even if I wanted to I am too scared to try because I don't want to hurt her if I fall prey to same damn demons...and I don't wanna hurt myself.


Oops. I was trying to hide details. Oh well I am sick of this. Its my damn blog and I've never been good at lying or hiding my feelings.


Also, you k ow something truly scary...seeing someones pride broke. Dad was upset a few days ago over a fuck up at promo...he was almost in tears...hell he had been crying. Seeing him that broke...God I am freaked b it. I never saw that before...

And fuck hiding shit. Public again. None of you have to read this. So fuck off if offended.

Its hilarious how much I use to care. But ya know I realize now love is bullshit. It doesn't exist. Fucking fairy tale. We nerved get the perfect person except for a few rare people. We take someone we like, say its love, and settle becaude we don't want to be alone. Hilarious. Utterly hilarious.

Hey. You know. I don't care about any of this shit. You. Myself. Life. Her. Fuck it all. Worthless as fuck

Heh, you know. Alex may be right. God, that optimism, all will be well, all that shit. So stupid on my part. It is all sucky, all of this life is pointless and sucks. Hell, a few thousand years from now as everything comes and gos we will all be forgotten. So pointless isnt it?

Life sucks shit. I wont get anywhere. Wont do anything. What is the damn point.

Hell, fun times, have to get these glasses to adjust, because for some fun reason my eyesight in right eye is fading fast -_- Eyes adjusting to it is giving me a headache and still not seeing any better -_- Useless shit.

Haha, such a fun pointless spectrum. God. I want out. I hate this.

I wihs i was working -_- Laura complains, and i do too. But hell, still better than dealing with people i know, isnt it sad?

Hehe. You know, now there are only two damn things in my life i find truly beautiful. And make me smile. That beautiful tree that i believe is a cherry blossom tree in my front yard. and that is only beautiful about a month or two if lucky. And a girl I cant fucking get. Grand eh?

Yet my problems are so little, so miniscule, so nothing. If i know this, and I know i have a great life otherwise....WHY AM I SO UPSET?!?!

God I hate this all...

I am really annoyed now. Wow. Go fuck yourselves people. Really. Glad i put this on private. Even if it will probably go public later. But you know, I dont give a fuck. I still dont know who the fuck reads this. And frankly I dont care.

God I want out. Now. One year. And I can meet new people. I can escape this place, i can make new friends, I can leave the ones I already seem done with, all that. And you know, I dont give a damn if you all think this is cruel. Or "You should keep fighting" and all that, guess what, I've fucking fought a good bit, and how well has that worked? It hasnt? Well you know, if you all who i fought for made it obvious you still hate me, and still dont want me in your life. Fucking fine. Why should I hurt myself more and more with a false hope that you made clear i cant reach and i cant obtain, and keep hurting by trying. You cut all ties with me to let yourselves be happy it seems, I am gonna do the same damn thing. And yeah, i know, so cruel of me wanting to be away from some of these people, nad be done with them. But who gives, not like they care about me too much more, and not like they try much to do anything with me eh? I have to start anything, even Kasha doesnt text anymore unless I do. And if people text its because they want something. I mean hell, Emily hated me and still texted only cause she needed a damn book early school year. And last time Taylors texted me? Because he wanted my minecraft pass -_- Actually, the only time quite literally about 8 different people have texted me in last 4 months was because they wanted to use my fucking minecraft account to play. Those fucking bastards. That is all I seem to be, and after words i am nothing, well fuck you all. I shouuld change the damn pass and not let any of you god damn bastards have it.

God. Arent we human hilarious, so petty, yet so deep at times. We spend years correcting all these problems and prejudices and yet we just shove the same exact prejudices nad problems on another damn group -_-

I really cant wait till I can leave everyone.

I cant wait till I forget about the damn yearning for romance.

I cant wait till I stop caring about those who seem to have stopped caring about me.

I cant wait till I stop hating myself...

God...stop coming tears... I refuse to fucking cry...

I mean...I guess I have no right to cry....I do this to myself...

Maybe my only use is to be used by people...

It does at least keep me in contact with people...

Is being used and demeaned better than being alone....

My god, having intelligable talks with no true insults and being calm is now flaming, trolling, heated, etc.? That is such bullshit.

And you know, you are a human too. Dont act so damn fucking high and god damn mighty, you are not that damn fucking special you know.

My god. I dont know if it is the nyan cat i am to lazy to click out of, the increase in bullshit, the increase in shit people give, etc. But I am growing more and more fine with not tlaking to people.

Especially since it seems every little joke, fight, or argument is now cruel, heated, mean, etc. That is just another reason it is fucking impossible to have intelligable talks, someone makes the intelligeble ones out to be bad -_-

What is wrong with me...why do I always have to have the hardest, unobtainable. Thing...why am I so upset over everything the past few days. I hate this...

I just want away. I know it seems horrible, but if I left so few would care, and I'd miss so few. I have the net for those people I would care about enough...I just wanna see the world, see new places. I want. Out.

I want away.

I want to be free...

I want to stop wanting damn romance

I want to explore


Fuck this all..

Life is funny like that, confirm what ya know, or make it seem likelier, but ya know, thinking about this...do I even care that much, or do I just feel so left out that I need to try for someone? Or is it that I think we'd be so great, even though I know pen and paper theory never matches fact? Do I just need a goal? Or is it that I fall for same 4 people always. Guess it is obvious that I don't care as much as I want to, I want to care more than I do. Getting told probably noon chance, and realizing it...didn't hurt as much as it should. I really have no experience with this. I mean...me and Jess agreed to date, me and Laura talked about it for two weeks before I asked, bit not much of anything there, no challenge, risk. Or awkwardness. Don't think I technically asked. Except after she broken up first week. And w got back together. Then Emily technically asked me out...have I ever asked someone out?

But oh well. I guess I'm gonna forget about it. But man...my mind keeps drifting to her
Guess I fell more than I want to admit, or I'm not as happy being alone as I say. Guess people are not.meant to.be alone. Man... this shit annoys me. Need a pattern or formula.

Or I needmy friends back, need to admit now I feel. Admit I know it will be no so I can mope five minutes and move on...who knows. Tired. Sleep now

You know, why try so hard? If stuff is gonna happen, im leaving it to others and life to make the first move. At least for a while. If i need to make a move for things and push forward I will, but for now, why not let life or others do it.

Here, you want the damn truth? I like you. A lot. But honestly unless you are as oblivious as usual you probably know his, I never hid this well, have I? But I like you, and can't bring myself to do anything about it. I'm utterly scared of the idea. We avoid mentioning it from the idea of bringing the awkwardness there, but you know, I hate myself for it. I'm so afraid of going into another another situation whee when I get too close to commitment I freak, I'm scared of opening up again, I'm scarf of losing myself to you, or to my demons. Ya know? But yet, beyond all doubt, beyond it all, I like you, more than I want to, I reapply do. And I'm stuck on a perpetual loop of fear and self abotage, where I know I need patience and rushing will ruin it, but feel I need to ask before prom or other shot. And beyond all measure I want to ask Emily or someone for help, but I'm still messing that up aren't I, and they still we pissed, and I'm too damn afraid to fight jaded.

Fear fear fear! Why am I so damn afraid, why can't I do what ive always done, always preached? Sayhow I feel, if yes work with it, if no, that's fine, I'm movin on with life.

Why the he'll am I so afraid, what is so scary?

I like you. I want to say it. But I can't. Dammit.

You're my best friend. Both of you. I'm sorry. Ive saidthat but it won't fix anything.

Guess what is always said is true. It's a hollow empty word. And there is nothing I can do to make things right is there?

And also, I just wanna point out, I don't know who reads this, still don't know why I let any of you read it, but it's my blog, if our insulted or mad or sick of it or anything, don't read.

Wow where did that come from?

Even if it is hollow though, once again, I really am sorry for everything, even if this does nothing....he'll, doubt ya even read this eh?

Guess lives going on either way.

Looks like I am Maro, straight with no luck in love, and his issues he brings upon himself.

Heh. Night all. Let's hope lifes storm eases up. At worst wade it out another year and restart.

AlsO, gettin iPhone, that should be neat.

I really do wonder if some of you know how damn beautiful you are. God. I hate how many of you rag on yourselves. You guys are gorgeous. Even your flaws make you guys look better. Yet everyone judges themselves on impossible standards and measures. Idiots. Its sad how hard some of you are on yourselves...

Also. Laura walks like a bigger douchebag than Jeff maler is

Wooooow. I feared and felt bad about that? Some random bitch I literally had no idea on Facebook got added cause I though I knew her ( I'm bad with names, we all know this) and she never shuts up about her romance or something, like 6 posts a damn hour , so since she is one of the people who drove me crazy there I delete her.

And feel bad.

For deleting someone ive never spoken to and don't wish to.

Why?

I wish I went back to thinking everyone took things too hard, where wimps, and should just deal with it... Life is easier in black and white