Hmm, what to do.

God. I have been so sure of everything in life. Nowadays. I dunno. Haha.

And ya know. I got dumped by myself. That is pathetic. Ha. Maybe i will just og back to my old line of thinking where if anyone asked for me to go out. I would, since it would not negativily affect me. And could only help. Except, this time i will change it to a date. I will stick to if anyone asks, i will try a date with them, if all goes well, i will go out. But it seems kinda mean ot do this...If i can't sum up feelings for someone, or if i ended up losing feelings, it would be like using them.

Maybe i should ask them out. Just take the risk, they will probably say no...what to do. What to do...

I will say yes.

What? REally. You mean...you will go out with myself!

I will.

Oh my god, everyone, I am going out with myself again! *hugs myself*

god. Damn it.

Well, had a dream, and sadly it was too good. Me and laura ended up together again somehow. Awesome dream...But sadly it was one of those oh-too-realistic ones. And i can't bring her out of my mind.

And this just makes me more pissed at myself. What happened to me. Where did the control over feelings go... I use to have such control. Now i have no control, and let myself fall in love when i knew it would not last. I let myself think she cared when she probably did not. I let myself believe in the far fetched fantasy only to get hurt. I am an idiot... And even now i still can't get over her. When Clint asked her on a date (Though not really serious) I felt jelous, angered, and possesive. God damnit. I hate this...why can't i get over this....why did this one dream have to undo all the progress i made to getting over her...

Life has this game going against me. It has advantages in field, deck, and hand. Damnit...This is annoying as fuck.

okay okya okay....

Wait a second. WHAT THE FUCK! Okay DGM... So allen just was injured by the Crass Clown.... So i am gonna go and Guess that was cause he is now a noah. Then he went and looked strange, and like messed with the level four, so the 14ths memories emerged. Then he and kanda fucking mutilated it, and he then made a snide remark at kanda, perfectly fine....God...NEXT CHAPTER NOW!

And today was nromal...Mrs. Bills actually likes my essay.

Laura has been increasingly physical, just pushing up against me, and stuff like that.

Oh, there was a battle of the bands i skipped. Went to study hall, hung with jessica lucas, Racheal, Sarah, Chase, Hain, and Mike. Fun.

Uhm. I beat eterna, so my team obeys me...and there was a hax nightslashing skuntank...

Uhm. BREAK! If anyone has any ideas for anything to do during break, tell me. And if ya wanna have a fun time i am in *wink wink* xD

Wow...pathetic....

I just made myself go depressed, for no reason other than to lose the inhabitations i have had when it comes to these blogs recently. Wanting to avoid subjects because they where akward or might offend others.

But i am sick of all this romance crap. Emily wants me, I want Laura. I don't know if i would even date anyone. I dunno what Laura feels. But everyone, every one with a crush or relationship, they want to know how the person they feel for thinks. They want to know "Do you like me" "Should i give up." "is there hope" they want to be accepted, they want to have the hope, or they want to be crushed. They just want to know. But no one ever can just ask the person, even if they know the answer. We people are weak. This whole flawed universe is weak.

And frankly. I don't know one part of my self. I don't know my views on politics, religion, anything. I just try to go by logic, but then, where do i find logic, by whose standards...though Ayn Rands characters are beginning to appeal to me with their words, their logic seems to be good...

And i am also pissed off about pride and ego. If i am modest, and i kill my self esteem, think all my stuff is bad, which tends to be realistic, everyone yells at me. If i then takes their advice, and act superior in any way, even if they say so, they get on my case. Screw it. I suck at everything. I will stick with that.

And damnit. I forgot my fucking pizze at school. DAMNIT >.<

I am getting fed up...sick of life. I will let stress and anger control me today, earlier it was fun. Pizza party, messing around but now i am sick. I don't want any of this. I don't want to feel like a douche with everyhting i do concerning laura. I don't wnat to feel like a douche with everything i do concerning Emily,. Taryn, anyone. I want this all to end. Give me a break. Someone, kill me. I am sick of being just this listless lifeless no one. who can't keep any feeling.

God, why am i like this. Why do i bother. Sure, now i went from being unable to think of love in any way, to now feeling love for friends. And no matter how much i detest the fact, for laura. But none of it is probably love. God, i should just end this pitiful life. Let everyone lose control of me. Lose their grip on me. Or i should just plain and silly stop talking to them. Cut the ties that bond...so much grief...so much trouble, what use are friends?

But the single most agrivating fact is that i know, in a little while i will feel better. I won't hold this amazing depression. I will wnat friends because they are my drugs and let me feel alive for a tiny bit.... it sucks. Why can't i be normal. Why can't i just be a living person. Why can't i feel for people.... Screw it. Ima go read some manga and play FFX...

Cards i should buy, or if anyone feels really really really nice....

Wall of ivy deals-

http://cgi.ebay.com/YuGiOh-WALL-of-THORNS-rare-1st-ed-CRMS-EN079-x-3_W0QQitemZ280325734069QQihZ018QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

http://cgi.ebay.com/Wall-of-Thorns-x3-CRMS-EN079-1st-Rare-Yu-Gi-Oh_W0QQitemZ370177778057QQihZ024QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

http://cgi.ebay.com/CRMS-EN076-Wall-of-Thorns-Rare-x3-1st-NM-Fast-Ship_W0QQitemZ190292922797QQihZ009QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Lord Poison-

http://cgi.ebay.com/YuGiOh-Lord-Poison-IOC-028-MINT-Short-Print-Plant_W0QQitemZ110361022047QQihZ001QQcategoryZ104054QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

http://cgi.ebay.com/IOC-028-LORD-POISON-Yugioh-Trading-Card-Yu-Gi-Oh-MINT_W0QQitemZ360140987016QQihZ023QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Rivalry of warlords-

http://cgi.ebay.com/3X-YUGIOH-RIVALRY-OF-WARLORDS-GLD1-EN043-bonus_W0QQitemZ220220563215QQihZ012QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWD1VQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItemQQ_trksidZp1638Q2em118Q2el1247

Light of Intervention-

http://cgi.ebay.com/Yugioh-Light-Of-Intervention-X4-PSV-033-Unlimited_W0QQitemZ230331228517QQihZ013QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWD1VQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItemQQ_trksidZp1638Q2em118Q2el1247

Horus the black flame dragon level 6-

http://cgi.ebay.com/Horus-the-Black-Flame-Dragon-LV-6-SDRL-012-YuGiOh_W0QQitemZ370174865107QQihZ024QQcategoryZ218QQssPageNameZWD1VQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItemQQ_trksidZp1638Q2em118Q2el1247

http://cgi.ebay.com/Yugioh-Horus-The-Black-Flame-Dragon-LV6-SOD-EN007_W0QQitemZ370176657394QQihZ024QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

http://cgi.ebay.com/YU-GI-OH-HORUS-THE-BLACK-FLAME-DRAGON-LV-6-SOD-EN007_W0QQitemZ190296198194QQihZ009QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Twiligth rose knight-

http://cgi.ebay.com/YuGiOh-Crimson-Twilight-Rose-Knight-CRMS-EN011-Super_W0QQitemZ150334251254QQihZ005QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Thunder king Rai oh-

http://cgi.ebay.com/YUGIOH-ONLINE-NEW-EVO-SET-THUNDER-KING-RAI-OH-EVO-SET_W0QQitemZ320348620428QQihZ011QQcategoryZ31397QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

http://cgi.ebay.com/New-Mint-Yu-Gi-Oh-Thunder-King-Rai-Oh-Card-Buy-5-get-1_W0QQitemZ120395770945QQihZ002QQcategoryZ49208QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Dandylion-

http://cgi.ebay.com/YuGiOh-DANDYLION-PROMO-CARD-ultra-JUMP-EN029-L-K_W0QQitemZ130290193519QQihZ003QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

PWWB-

http://cgi.ebay.com/YU-GI-OH-PHOENIX-WING-WIND-BLAST-RARE-FET-EN053_W0QQitemZ190296199124QQihZ009QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Mirror Force-

http://cgi.ebay.com/Yugioh-Mirror-Force-Gold-Series-Non-Foil-GS01-JP017_W0QQitemZ160323943266QQihZ006QQcategoryZ104054QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Armory arm-

http://cgi.ebay.com/YuGiOh-5DS-ARMORY-ARM-ULTRA-DP08-EN016-1ST_W0QQitemZ360141331010QQihZ023QQcategoryZ31395QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Ha not much to report. I dun think.

Lets see, i did the usual crap. Enjoying life around the time. Need to do an essay. And i am giving up more and more on Laura. But i am still liking my being single... Ha, i kinda wish i could just date anyone and anybody with no having to be connected and stuck to them. Ha. I think no matter who i like or who likes me, i will stay single for a while, at least two weeks. And if i finally give up on Laura i know i could get like 3 eights, maybe more (I should go after ben XDDDDDDDD)and maybe one or two people in the high school. But if i do go after any eighthys i want to wait a few more weeks, until i can see them more often, causei know i could not keep feelings and steady faithfulness in different school in such. I am not that strong of a will.

But i can't wait for this break, a good time to mess around, hang with friends, though Laura, Scotty and others will be gone. though at least this will help me to get over laura.

Oh and i drew Pac-man stage in spanish. It is badass.

And uhm, pizza party tommorow.

Ah shit. Damnit.

Okay, not cursing about a bad day or week, but i forgot all teh stuff i was gonna write xD

Lets see, me and laura are back to normal. Mainly like befroe we where dating. Heh, flirting, messing around, joking, being all buddy buddy. Adn she has not flat out rejected me, maybe i have a chance, but i should give up.

But hell. What do i know. Right now, at this moment, and for probably at least a month or so i will want laura. Maybe it will fade, and i will move on to other girls. If i realize it is a pointless endeavor I will try to move on, but i don't want to ask anyone out while i still like laura and i know it would feel like i was trapped with someone i did not want, and where i would sacrifice their joy for a way to tyr nad get to laura. No way. I am not that cruel >.< But truth be told, to myself, to others, to Youz (Mudkips), Chewy, Jade, Journal, Lego T-rex, top of pop can, mepty root beer (*shot* FINE I WILL STOP >.<) I dunno where i am going. I dunno what i feel for. Or how i think. Hell, before Laura and Jess, barely a year ago i thought that relationships where pointless, then eventually thought i was in love, now i dunno what i think. So yeh, i guess i am trying to say....I should create a poly-dating cult and everyone should join it. Unless your an uggo, or a dude. Or a trans.

but who knows. Right now i am happy. Single. Life seems good. Pizza party on thursday, and soon spring break.

And i find this being able to just bve a flirtasious devauniare playboy interesting and fun. I can make perverted jokes and ideals, and make suggestions about messing around with no issues of guilt or attachment. I usually can only do that to guys...since doing it to them pisses them off and is never serious, but always funny.

Oh, and I am now trying ot make ben a pimp like i do mike. And asking everyone "Will you date him. Marry him?" etc. xD

Uhm. Uhm. Uhm. Damnit. I dunno. did i forget anything, at all....Dunno. and wow. These journals use to be almost like a chore, or a way to discipline. And htye also use to be a way to beat myself up. Or try to sleuathily tell a message to others, or get them to do things...but now frankly, I don't care who reads them, i know people will. but it is more to myself. Sweet.

And i would like to say. Thank you Aki, the hot red-head of 5D, for you are the reason i get damn good plants. And you are hot. and a red-head. Red heads are hawt xD

*whistles*

Im'a im'a im'a alright.

Today is good. Lets see, me and Laura are getting along well, no akwardness, still can't stop falling head over heels at her. And even if i know i shouldn't, or should do something else, i end up getting influenced by her against my will. Oh well, that effect is dieing. Still can't get hugs, which is a tad annoying, since before we started dating she always hugged me, and texted, now she does not. Damn. Oh well.

And Lets see. Uhm. Read almost 100 pages of Atlas shrugged...and if you have seen how small the print is, you know that is like a whole twilight novel xD Except with good writing and plot. And it is getting excellent. And i believe The third student, the man who created the motor, anmd the first man to have quit the factory are all John Galt. (Just saying this so i can remember)

Uhm. MAranda looked really pretty with her brown hair for Dorothy. xD Uhm, She and Mike are now engaged (sorry girls, he is taken). And lets see.

Uhm. Kim and i now have our own little jokes xD She makes ufn of my bad memory i talked about by asking me when my birthday is, since i said i would forget that at times to be funny. And i will probably make fun of her cause she said "Are you one of those people who hear sounds?" meaning to say colors xD

Regina and me are getting along. Talking more.

Lets see. What else...man i need to write in school mroe xD Uhm Got a bad grade on essay, putting me to a 77 in english, shit. I got a 49/57 in spanish...and in MAth, on the test i thought i sucked on, i got a 120% and got a 24. You can figure out what it is out of xD

I know there was more. Damnit. Uhm. OH! In bio we got cookies. I now sit near Taryn, adn Luke, and I am by the fishes!!!!! FISHIES FTW!!!

Hrm. Uhm. Oh, in social studies we where making a table about imperialism, i got None. None. I was so lonely xD

Hmm. Watching mikes dogs next week...

DB movie coming out soon. Gonna go see it fro the lulz

Also i am kinda liking the fact that now, i cna just flirt with other people with no repercussions. Hell, Neither Laura or Jess really would have cared, but with them i felt to guilty and attached to do that much xD Figures, the fun stuff my conscious decides to do its job xD

Oh,a nd as a parting note. I will give you all a funny little anecdote( FUNNY WORD FTW):

Okay, so i was at target yesterday, adn wanted to escape tryng on shoes/ steal a pack/ needed to pee and i was texting -i believe Michelle- and i was headed to the bathroom, now texting had me distracted, but i also noticed this hawt girl (Perv much, yes.) and so i went left. Except as i opened the door i realized that was the girls restroom, so i got a good embaressment, she had a good laugh, which got me laughing. Then i went to do my theft/buisiness. I really should have flirted a little, for the fun. Plus, who knows, I somehow got laura, and other peoples seem to have a crush, and i seem to be good with people, it could have been a little fun xD

Finished max ride, Got phone back.

Ha, so it is all going good. Got a bunch of pokes. Need to check their IV's. Getting platinum. Going to outback.

And i kinda enjoyed this max Ride, she did not pms with the fang relationship. And i realized, now i relate to how she felt a lot...all the stuff fit so perfectly for the crap i am going through. Although she got the happy ending. I got shit XD

Oh well. Hmm. Hmmm. Yeh. Uhm. I think last night i had a huge blog in my head. Now i don't...Hmm...Oh well, I probably will go to Mikes later...

Haha, just watched the twilight movie xD

It sucked. But beat the bookm a ton. I loved it. I wanted the Car to win though. And everyone looked constipated. Alice was the best thing htere. I love her. And the most romantic scenes where between James and Edward xDDDDDDDDDDDD And bella was paler than the vampires, then tanner than otehrs, then pale. And went from being a social ditz to "Go the fuck away" It was hilarious.

For my memory, pokemon stuff

Snorunt-Timid
Shaymin-jolly
Cynd- Modest
Spiritomb-Modest
Mareep-modest
Still need a sixth...

So bored.

Meh. Dunno why. Just gonna make a small blog for my boredom.

So i won't be on much the next week or so. Still not allowed on much. Not to entertained with interwebz. And i am getting back into games. Wanna beat all my FF games. Re-beat bioshock.

And ha. Stupid emotions you always go and die or change. Figures. I can't understand others emotions. Can't understand my own. And it brings pain to all the people i know, I once again wish they would all die, my emotions that is. Sorry for pain folks.

Oh oh oh. Also, Platinum is tommorow...so yeh....i will be really distracted fro a while. And soon is dresden 11....and Fragile eternity...Sweeeeeeeeeeet.

Hmm. And I relized yesterday, I just wanted lust, pure lust. No feelings. Nothing. Which kinda annoys me. I thought that after this kinda thing i would just shrug it off. Move on. Guess it comes back to that line "You don't know what you got till its gone." I guess i never realized how much i cared for laura. How deep i had fallen.

...I wish she would just one day tell me there is no chance. I will never get her back. Move on. Then i could kill feelings easily with no hope of getting her back. God. Screw you life. Heh.

I wish i did not have such an obsessive personality where the more i like something the harder it is to change... Screw you life.

Heh. Oh well. Dems da breaks. I am gonna roll with the punches....I hope....I wish i did not harm myself and others so much. Self sabotage FTL....

Lets see, introspectivity and recap time.

Lets see. The usual happened. To lazy to condense it. Look at this weeks and you know.

Laura seems angered at me, and resentful, not even keeping eye contact or wanting me around. I probably deserve it. Oh well.

And i have realized why i have no romantic, I just cna't do it for any of my friends pretty much. After i get to close to someone they just stop seeming like a potential romantic, and more like a family. The best example is Taryn. I had a crush on her beginning of the year, and even when she got with Nick i still did, however it faded into what is now more like a cousin. Me messing with her, hugging, nad tickling and such, is more like her being a cousin. And all the eighthys are like relatives.

Jess- the ditzy relative that everyone can't help but love, makes you smile at her idiocy at times, and you always wonder what she is thinking. And is entertaining to mess with.

Whitney- The daugther that is protective of her dad, yet sometimes looks down on him not in cruelty, but in a comical way. Always has his back. And Tends to be nice out of pity at times. The really comical father-daughter you would see in shows or anime.

Molly- The relative rivalry. The cousins that always fight, argue and disagree about everything just to be contrary. The ones that mess with each other all the time. But still are good friends and relatives. And would defend the other if they needed it.

Emily- The one sibling your close to. But will fight over the most mudane things just to laugh about it later. And that are always hanging out during parties and such. And get along great.

Bren- Brother that always gets dissed in an almost comical manner by the younger bro. But the younger bro tends to get a lot of ideas from him and has respect. Also close, but fight a lot. And share way to many game related inside jokes. And if left alone would hock other peopls stuff for new electronics.

Taylor- The brother with a hgue Love-Hate relationship. Figth a lot, but in the end has each otehrs back. Understand each other pretty well. And share interests in lots of things.

Scott- The huge trusted bro. The one that don't talk in public a lot, but when alone are close as hell.

Ben- Cousin that lives close by. Gets obsessive over a few things. And sucks at others. Rarely talks, or smiles, and everyone but a few people are surprised by him being emotionalful at all. Has a very deadly idea and personality and is alied with a few to take out people. PRobably would be protective of like 2 people only. Not give a damn about the rest.

Mike- Dweebish Relative everyone looks at and wonders what went wrong. Messes with him a lot but acknowledges him as too damn smart. Has to be protected a lot.

Alex- The one that everyone fears. Hangs out with Bren a lot. And scares the shit out of everyone at times. But is liked. Has her own side in family wars and games. And makes others scared to share a room with her, or touch her stuff xD

And wow. I could do more. But this is enough for now xDDD Also note some of these things are just jokes and guesses, and if y'all wanna add anything to this just comment xD I think if we where all related this would be accurate xD

And also Regina liking me seems a bit mroe probable. She was mouthing something to emily (Haberlant). I think it was essentially "I don't think i like him. "I odn't like him. "I don't know." and some stuff like that. A few glances at me. And then after words she looked at me, smiled, randomly giggled, thensmile again and looked away, a bit red.

And two 20 ounce pops have made me go number 2 and 1 like 5 times in two hours >.< It is getting annoying. Bladder be broken today.

And yeh....I cna't think of anything else. xD

Wait, watched night of the museum. And Giving up on laura more. Oh and Mike is now a whore. And uhm....The game... ANd i got to piss again. So that is all.

Same old same old.

Go to school. Have fun with friends. TRy to rationalize laura's every move as wanting me back. Kick myself mentally for that. Start rationalizing her every move as hating me. Ignore it. MEss around with everyone. Get bored. Have fun again. Talk to random people. Come home. Get a twenty minute depression, get happy as hell again.

Yeh. The usual xD

Oh and it was hilarious. Me and Charlie where using tangrams in Math, and he was working on the Right triangle. I decided to do rectangle for laughs since i knew how. After i made a square with small pieces I realized how to make Trapazoid and parralelagrram. I showed him and he said "Nice, now make the right triangle *sarcasm*" I then looked, and my mind within about a second saw the shape, moved one triangle, and made the Right triangle. He got pissed, then we laughed. It was so funny. God. fun times.

So yeh. Nothing new really. I ma still happy. Still trying to give up on Laura. Getting really good in Dissidia. Have Zidane fully leveled....So yeh...Uhmm.....The Game...

Happy happy...

Well, I now have a new reason for being untalkitive online....The fact that i have afeeling everything i say will reference Bio 2 xD

But life is looking up. I have given up on Laura. Given up on Relationships. But i am being a bit more open in life. I am talking to everyone online (Okay, not really, but that is cause i am not allowed on. Damn folks), and I am talking ot Regina and Kim more now-a-days. Haha. And I am actually reading Atlas Shrugged. And I am dividing time between games, books, an such pretty well.

Though my lack of lust is not sucking. I got Emily and Whitney to agree to yuri, but it no longer sounds fun, nad i dun care any more. Damn. Haha.

Haha, feel good still, yet feel crap.

Mentally i feel great. Joyful and Such. Bioshock 2 was annoucned. Games and books are becoming entertaining again. I am good.

Though Physically I feel a bit crappy. Constantly all the time for about a week or so i have been feeling pained in my stomach...no sick. Like i wanted to vomit. Odd/

And Lets see, only notable thing i can think of is Brooke asked about me nad Laura dating. We told her we weren't. Josh commented about me wanting her bakc, and i denied it. Not out of truthfullness, but to save face, and because i have given up. I just can't take it. No use bothering. I wish she was not being as physical, or theft oriented as she has been...actually, i love it. But i am rebuking it, because i know she most likely has no feelings. So i amm killing mine, I won't be an unrequited love.

Oh. And on brighter news, I got a mini hair braid stuck in my hair xDDD It was funny.

And i think me and Regina are becoming friends of sorts...I don't know. I have just become more open recently. Kim, Laura Sooy, Regina, I am talking ot them a bit, and joking. I catch Kim nad Regina Smiling at me a lot...Regina looks at me and smiles for no reason lots of the time...crush? Doubt it. Who knows.

Fuck, messed up today.

Well, it was not bad, per se, Today was actually....fun. But i had a complete forgetting of discipline, actually i have been a lot. today moreso.

I forgot my rubber bands. I stole a tiny tiny bit. (Only once, and it was small, so i am not mad at self)I Bothered laura to much while working, and sorta-flirted i guess, hormones, and past feelings- current feelings- came into play. Ah. Oh well. Either way i still did better than usual. I am getting better.

I will wear brace more, need to work on some hygiene isseus. But over all good.

And it was cool since i had to do nothing today. OGT's rule.

But i still can't call upon feelings, except with male friends... Yeh, sexist, i know, nad i know (as much as i hate it) that a good portion of drive with females was lust and natural innate feelings of wanting in pants. But i iwll probaly be back to normal in a week or so.

And i realized that I get along with Josh, mike, and them easily. Hmm. But it is fun messing around and talking to them.

And I feel good. Content. Though i realize i kinda regressed, that old spark i had with bren, the flair of being two leaders of a huge thing, it is back mroe. Sorta. I just have had fun talking to him like i did years ago.

And i realize i can't enjoy anything as much, or like it. But it still hampers feelings. Take Graceling for instance, i know it has a lot of issues, and i kinda like it, but i am not just enthralled by the book, but i am power reading it. And FFX does not have the spark it use to, maybe i will regain that.

Heh. I guess my life 'as gone to hell. And i like it. No people, no problems.

And i think i have finally given up on the dream of laura wanting me back. Heh. Oh well. 'twas fun. Guess that is all i got. This blog was rambly.

I have solved my relationship issues in a spectacular way xD

I have asked someone out. the erson i am closest to. The one i can't live without...MYSELF! Oh yeh bitches. I am dating mysefl xDDDDDDDDD

Ughy, so bored and shitty...

WEll. Officially all feeling died again, sleep and games do that xD I am feeling almost anti-social...Mainly isnce i played tons of FFX. But i am finding being single almost relaxing. Actually, it is. I think Laura has feelings, or regret, small signs say so, but i am probably wrong. Eh, right now i don't think i could accept...with anyone. A week, maybe two, feelings should return, maybe i will risk it, or i will stay with this amazing singularity....Eh, TO HELL WITH RELATIONSHIPS! I GOT DISSIDIA SO FUCK RELATIONSHIPS! xD Yeh, Dissidia, Final Fantasy, screw everything else, all i need. All i want. All i know, xD

Haha, i am a mess xD But i am happy. A mess who does not have any urge to date, and seems to have gone asexual, but a happy mess nonetheless.

I could say a lot.

Tons of things, think some stuff is making sense. But i sadly am back to emotions. And can't kill feelings for Laura. I kinda wish when people like emily (Bramel, not Emilt) called me her boyfriend she would correct them. That would make it easier. Or if she does some reason like me, i iwhs she would let me know, so it is easier. Oh well. I am staying single if she would only want me out of pity or guilt. And there is no one else attractive to me. so yeh. Oh well. Boooooooored. *goes to do soemthing.*

And still bored as hell. Hmm, i could post a tooooon of things. But i forgot them. LAzy blog day FTW.

Ah, this strange feeling

I finally have figured out what this strange feeling of content is, and now i believe i know. Pure apathy. I realize i no longer care one shit about people. My hatred of the world has become complete. I have no urge to talk to friends, since they are to me just people, i really don't care to much. And i no longer find anyone attractive, romantically or sexually. I find that i am alone, and love this feeling. I can only even find a small glimpse of friendliness and openness to Bren, Scott, Mike, and Tay, and that is only cause i have known all of them upwards of three years or so. But even then the only one am easily goofing around with and feeling like a person is Bren....Guess i am closer to him than i realized before.

And i am getting closer to Tay, since we both got dumped nad had our phones taken away this week. Oh well. Irony is a bitch.

Meh. I still feel a bit angered at how shitfilled this month became when it was to be my good month. It sucks. But this aloneness, this solitude....it brings me contentness.

I hope no one breaks me out of it. I do so love it.

Well, back to normalacy.

Ha, i feel great. Dissidia be my shining savior. I have Gotten back to where i was. Zidane is almost perfect. And I am actually getting really good at it.

I am no longer depressed about being dumped. Miffed maybe...wow, i need to be hit for using that *Shot* DAMNIT V2 I WAS KIDDING >.<. I have feelings, but am going to not act on them. Noooooow, i can't gaurentee i won't do usual perverse innuendo, or such like that, but hey, that is me. And i will probably compliment, but i do that with all friends. Oh well. I still need to let feelings go, and give up on the dream that we will reconcile, and get back together better than ever like last time. But that will dissapear in time.

And all with everyone seems well. Joking around and messing around with everyone. Fun fun.

Uhm. Uhm. I am almost caught up in school. And i have nothing else to add....except yay being bored and free to do damn well anything for an hour.

Oh and for some reason Masturbation broked for me. It just does not feel as good or happen when it should. That fails.

Oh and On dissidia I have almost mastered an infinite with Zidane. Yay!

God, i am going insane.

Ha, i have been falling in and out of sanity. But i know now that i have no feelings romantically for either Scott or Emily (I wish i did, but they are siblings. Well, actually, i dun want romantic feelings for scott >.<), I love Laura, but i might as well kill those feelings. Dissidia is my stress relief. I need to regain control and stop snapping at the few I will talk to. My trust is gone, and i fear it may stay that way for a bit. This place, Scott, and Bren are the only ones i really trust (Longest known friends). Ah. God, tons of math to do. I will get that done tonight. Oh well. To hell with life. I will make it mine, if i go angered and depressed again i will hit myself out of it.

Ugh, i feel really bad.

My body feel likes shit. My mind went worse from a nap. I hate that i was dumped. I hate that is was because i made one stupid mistake and was confused. Especially since the one thing i never mentioned was during that time i felt the same for scott as i did for Emily.... I hate that this happens to me. I know i am not the only victim, and i am not special or anything. But damnit why is it that everything ends when i feel like it is perffect... Scrrew this world. Hopefully it turns out good somehow. Or this love for Laura fades....I hope i get over it all. I hope this world ends and i fade away....

And i want too apologize, then ask her to try once more, know if she really does not care at all... I want to take the risk, and let it go through, tell her i am sorry, and that if she likes me at all to try once more. But screw it, JD is right, but i don't have the guts. To hell with life. I will breate and regain sanity. Maybe play hooky tommorow...

Oh and i love the irony. I was working on discipline mostly for Laura. Then i got dumped xD Oh well. I will work for myself. Cause i barely feel for any of my friends now. I feel detached, but i am happy again. So, Ho world, Ho.

Witht he change in weather i get a whole change in life, guess i ot to roll with the punches.

Well, today sucked, yet i am oddly happy. I hate what happened, but i am happy. Time to post the journal. After i type it. But a forewarning to all. I am thinking i am gonna make my journal private from now on, then after a week or so unprivate one. So others can see.

9:33

Okay, i need to write, if i want to retain sanity and joy. I need to convey thoughts...

Everything seems to be going wrong again. Stress is overtaking me. And this discipline I am trying to install in myself sucks.

I should explain, as i said i have kleptomaniacy, and many other issues. So instead of being a hypocrite and giving advice i don't fgollow i am trying to change. On those tasks like my brace, teeth, rubber bands, and other such things. I am making sure i do. Well, V1 is, he is now a discipline remindeer. And doing a good job. I am also stopping on bother and following laura, basing decisions on other friends too (need to work on this), i am not going to steal anymore, and try not to be as sarcastic and snide.

I will admit, despite what i say, and how i try to act like a superman in these kinds of things, it is not easy. But this is my challenge, screw ADHD, and such, I'm gonna do homework, and become better at life. and I will do it alone, I would love help, b ut it adds pressure and stress, and from that it all causes more harm than good.

And it seems that Scotty and Tay's relationships are going to hell too. Scott has anger, greed, and other issues. Taylor, not sure, too determined for a kiss i hear. At least everyone tells him his relationship issues. nd Scott knows his. ... Better than me. I know nothing. Lucky bastards xD

But Laura has started to go back to anti-everything. I am probably wrong, it is just normality and seems wrong cause we left perfection. But no date this weekend... I need one this month, I hope, some kissing, being told she cares, pure feelings, no thought. It always helps. But i am fine. I won't let V2 place seeds of doubt, i won't let her and MAria planning things in front of me harm me like usual, i won't let sadism and depression take over, i will keep joyous and fine.

I will look on the bright side, I can do yugioh or pokemon this weekend, see Emily or michelle.

But if i remember discipline, train patience, life will work. This helped though. Thank you, good bye.

end 10:25.

Cont. 12:00

And it happened. I got dumped. She says cause i tlaked about liking emilt where friends could see, and she does not like me.

And my feelings are conflicted. I knew it was coming. And i feel horrible. U hate her for bullshitting me, and always saying "i lvoe you". I hate that she askes to break up, not just say so. I hate that all the issues could have been solved with talking. I hate being depressed.

I love her for at least telling me. I am acceptant and content( Yes, content and depressed....What part of conflicting was missed?) I feel love romantically, yet i don't. I am fine as long as we are friends. I wonder if she will ask me out again or not.

Oh well. I feel crappy, yet good. I think emotions are dieing. Again. Heh, told one thing once again, and then lied to with it. In a few hours everything will register, and i will break down. Or something. I will probably zombie about this week. But i am disciplining myself, it was my idiocy that screwed me up. I had no control. That probably contributed. She probably hate me for being physical, i know this, yet i continued. Oh well. I always say i need a hit to realize how bad at something i am. This is it.

Ha. About 13 months i was in relationships. Unlucky thirteen. H,,. I should feel awful, but i will feel good and make myself fine. Le sigh. To hell with the world, to hell with life, i will be joyous, even through strife.

end 12: 18

Cont. 12: 39

I suppose i should tell the story.

So i was eating nachos and she came in, asked if i wanted a pop, so i left my nachos and free cookie (Cause they did not have bosco sticks, i got a free cookies...but the events made my hunger go...i wish i ate that cookie....Damnit.) I knew right there that i was being dumped. That is how she does things. So i asked her what was up, stating she only came to get a pop when she wanted something. She told me she wanted to break up. I asked why and she said "Well, not jealousy, but you talking baout liking another girl where all our friends can see is embaressing" or something to that stature. I offered to take it down, she said no. Then i asked the final question, she said "No, i don't." And then i said fine. (you can guess the question, if you can't...you fail)

Figures, I open up, i get betyrated, Raj, Clint, everyone has left. I thought this would be different. Wrong again.

I liker her still. I wish she was jealous, at least then i would know she cared. And i doubt she will ask out again, like before.

But i complained, I biteched, and essentially asked for this all last month.

And i am torn between anger, sadness, guilt, self-blame, blaming-others. Ugh. I hate myself. If i could feel correctly right now i would off myself. But for now, yay, depression. Fucking life.

ended 12:48
cont. 1:18

I have gone sane. Perfectly sane. I know we are both at fault. And feel fine. If she would ask me out again, i could say yes. If we just stayed friends, fine. I still feel for her, but that can fade if i want it to.

I also realize i must beat this vague perversion coming ot my mind all the time. This unconquerable lust must be conquered. I will break free from its control.

But now I wonder how life will go. Though i still wish all my troubles where not founded on the single fact that no one will just talk and say what is wrong, i iwll deal. I will go home to nape, feel better, and all will be good.

My body still feels horrid. But i am calm. In control. Whatever happens I will feel fine. I just have to stop wishing for dreams that won't happen. As say "'tis better to have loved and lost. than never loved at all." and as JD said, we must take risks, they reward us in the end, and not taking risks never rewards us, taking risks usually pays off.

end 1:29.

Cont. 2:37

Well, I left school early, and i sit here with the puppies, all alone, enjoying life. I feel happy, the weather is good, and i feel fiiiiiiiiiine. Note i don't enjoy being dumped, but i can't change that, and i will remmber the good times. But the weather is changing, i will change with it. I am disciplining myself. I cna change. And i am doing well. I have the world under my hand, and i have friends to help me through. To all i know, whatever i have done, all the strife i put you through, the guilt and blame, i apologize, and if i start being an idiot, or pushing it to far, tell me and i will quit. And this is my last journal to be open (most likely), potentially my last journal for a while. So long!

Haha, lazy blog day.

Lets see, quick recap of the weekend.

Saturday adn friday nothing memorable.

Sunday was suppose to be a date, then Laura's bro had to come, so we had Whit and Emilt join us, all in all we got cheesecaek adn stuff, and it was fun.

Lets see, today i slept in, and that is about it. Went to ortho. Not much else happened.

And hrm. Adding to the list of issues i know i need to fix is my lack of slef control,, and thinking before i act. By self control i mean my kleptomaniacy, and well, thinking before i act ties in with that, and speaking, and other stuff. So yeh, lazy blog day today.

oh noez. I has been banhammered.

Haha, my parents found facebook. Then my mom went and got overly pissed (pent up anger i am guessing) and deleted it (which is understandable) then tried to kill aim, blocked gaia, took PSP, laptop (which can only do word), and other such things.

Then my dad pissed me off truly and we had this convo

"And agnostic atheist."
"what?"
"That is what is on your profile"
"It is what i believe..."
"Believe what you want but i rather it be unsaid than written"
"Why?"
"Because you should have enough common sense not to"

Hahaha. Thanks. With how you said it your essentially seemed to make Atheism out to be Nazism-esque. Oh and lacking common sense. Your right dad. Thinking there is some random thing in the sky controlling all is real, and saying Santa, Easter bunny, Dragons, and mythics are impossible under one common philosophy makes a whole ton of sense. And believing none of that stuff exists, but admitting it is possible makes no common sense....Thanks, i will keep that in mind while you slowly drive me into a depression. Thanks a fucking lot.

But after that I slept. And i have felt good...And i noticed today inhibitors have left me to a degree. Usually i am trying to be abit quiet and reserved, avoid attention, and stuff that i think makes me look like an idiot. But today in parks he was tlaking about bad handwriting and I started making a show, pointing towards myself (normally i would try to shrug off sam pointing at me and get irked). Then acting as if i won something when i was number 1. and yesterday i acted like a fool in english.

And me and laura have just been messing around, hanging out, and talking. Actually, i have been doing this with all my friends today. Actually, even with people i barely know i have been talking more and more. I mean i have talked to and gabbed with a few random people.

And in english with the sub i forced mike to swtich seats with me for the laughs.

And i am going on a date with Laura. So that is good.

And i found facebook can be re-activated, wii and friends houses mean playing on it, yay.

And i have become Scotty and Shelby's relationship ocunselor xD

And I realized i passed shelby like 20 times today xD

So yeh...wee.