I know it probably doesnt matter. And doesnt seem it, and wont help...But i want to say. For everything, for myself, all of the shit. I really truly still am pathetically sorry. I wish i could prove it. But god i dont know how. But dammit, I really am trying a lot. But sorry. I really truly am.

New guilt and comics to put me in some strange perspective that hopefully lasts. And pizza.

Always pizza.

But you know. I feel like shit, but wotn go into why now...well mentioned it to alex, but that is only person i will break my code and talk to it about.

Also, on alex, why is it for some reason unless i specifically mention her by name, or ben, or kelly, i just naturally exempt her from anything i say here? In my mind. Specially directing things to lots of people. Odd.

Back on subject. You know, I've been broken and sad, but the true depressing part of all this shit, even with my mind fuck...Hell, i lost the one thing i always kept some grasp on, some idiotic, pointless, stupid, cliched, grasp on. No matter how it went, even through my cynicalness and pessimism, I kept it.

Hope.

I mean, it is why i am developing a connection to saint walker, and the blue lantern corps (one of hope) (Also Blackest night rules) and liked the oath a ton.

But you know. I can make my own damn hope. Even in blackest night. Sure, shit sucks, but i have been through worse.

There is scrubs. There is rootbeer. There is tengen toppa and One piece. There is alex, and ben, and tay, and everyone.

What the hell was i thinking all this time ?

And more shit cometh.

I hate this...I cant even get fucking bren to talk to me anymore...Everyone is enjoying themselves, doing all this stuff for different things...I am falling deeper into a hole i cant climb out of...suffocating....And i am considerring what i said i would never do...really...truly, condsidering it...

I was gonna actually tell how i truly feel right now. But you know. It is not even worth it.

Heh... guess i still am not past everything. so weak... i am so damn weak. and i have pushed everyone i know away so they dont even want me to complain to them, let alone me wanting to talk to them. so here i am talking to myself about everything, and in the end...what scares me most? how alone i feel, and how i dont even want to be wtih someone. I honestly dont want romance. yet...i do. confused? same. i....i....i just...what the hell i dont fucking know. I like my job and friends i guesss, yet i am to the point where romance annoys me, and i think it makes no sense, i am having fun as a single person, all that stuff. yet romance talk and everything annoys me rigth now. probably the insane amount that has to be surronding me all the fucking time. i get no break...and i feel happy for you all, i really do. but hell, i cant even escape my dreams torturing me about it...

god i feel exactly like lewis black...only laura will understand that though...but man...I empathize with that book so much...

and dreams...fucking dreams...that fucking dream girl...i love her...

I am just delving deeper into anger, but now, now it is apathy. You know. I seem to have lost all connections to everyone, but i dont give a flying fuck anymore. Heh. I dont tell you guys my problems, you urge me to tell you all. I try and talk, rarely can I get an answer or even an ear to listen to me. Hell. Out of the what, ten people who have told me "if you ever need help talk to me" I am pretty sure Alex is the only damn one in past like, 6 months to talk or listen to me. Maybe lee and kasha. Heh. But you now the only damn person i can get to talk to me in any way is kasha. Hell, even Jeremy who use to be harder to get not to text me than to get to text me does not text me anymore.

But you know, fuck it, i guess, in the end. Like usual, mostly due to my own actions, I am falling back on myself and being alone. And my only escape is once again yugioh and yugioh friends.

Oh wait, that is wrong and cruel isnt it. Oh the fuck well. Half of you are sick of me or giving up on me. Or at least i know i am. And in the end half of my relationships are going to hell. Heck, aside from kasha molly is the only person i have had an actual conversation with in the last two weeks.

And in the end, it comes back to that same fundamental depressing fact. I am always on the outside, even in groups. Dont try fucking with me and saying i am not, cause lets face it. I always end up the odd man out, either by circumstance or my own accord. I feel unwanted, invasive, and like i dont belong almost all the damn time.

So basically...If you want to talk to me, i dont care, toss me a text or something. But otherwise. I quit. I am done trying. I am done.

Man....I keep losing the ability to understand, no, i understand perfectly, care and act on things. And i cant find much value in anything once again.

I guess it is cause in the end I've lost communication with everyone...

And then i get complacent, and hurt more.

But you know, the worst, I am obsessed with that damn dream girl. Every other freaking thought drifts to her. And i know she is not real, i know i will never meet her, i know nothing i do matters for her...yet i remember the small portions of that dream...feel so enticed, so in Like, like i have found a chance...

But god dammit. That wont happen.

And while stuck on the thought of someone who wont exist, i hurt others.

Man. I gotta admit. This is a new loop, never quite been down this road before...

Gah...

wierd

I had a dream about a girl, except....she was not anyone real. Yet i still kinda feeling a longing and want and crush on her. Very odd.

And even in my romantic dreams the girl is a ginger xD

They may not have souls, but damn they look good.

random musings

You know, I caer, honestly, I still care. Yet from that i care about myself that i feel if i let myself care for others i will hurt them...or hurt myself. So i try to push them away like i have been, god, half my relationships, nah, most all, have gone to hell now.

And it kills. Not like I said it wouldnt. Damn. Hell, if for christmas i could get the summer before last back, i'd take it in an instant...Actually. No. I would still be horrible, at least now i am doing something good. Trying to better myself...Sorta...

But you know, isnt this kinda an obvious thing? I mean, all the years i hated on clint, or scott, or tay, or anyone who let me down or threw me away...Well how muhc of it was truly me longing nad wanting for them.

Guess i am still doing that.

But you know. Even if i just want a second chance with everyone for christmas (though i guess it is higher) I need to realize that i am way past the ability to get those. Man up and accept consequences of my actions.

But I really need to cheer up, life is going good, right?

Though i have been finding that i am breaking out to random fits where i am just more angry than usual, unlike where i use to get depressed and anti social...Just really fucking pissed.

Also anyone who decides to work in retail, dont start round the holidays.

Yugioh has absorbed all parts of my paychecks that i have kept for myself so far? How sad is that?

Me and ben want to do a Reaper- Neku cosplay xDDDD

Man, i kinda miss this...

Oh, i guess i spent money on Mi Esposa's gift. (Oops, apostraphe in spanish, mrs. young would kill me)

RAIN~ Off to dance in it!

Hrm....

How is it i feel so alone?

Because you push everyone away.

True...

God, you coulda spent this day, trying to make things right, trying to talk to everyone. Hell, you coulda spent a lot of time doing that.

Yeah...

Yet you spent it just watching scrubs and playing pikmin. Isnt this like, exactly what you do all the time?

Er...Yeah...


And hell. You really are messed up since you are here talking to yourself again.

Hey. I do this all the time.

True...Which is bad?

Oh. Shit.

My god. Do you even have a purpose or reasoning here?

Uhm. I dunno. To remember that in one day i beat Pikmin and it only took 22 in game days?

That is the biggest accomplishment you've had in a while isnt it?

Sadly...

God, you have a really repetitive life now. Even your convos with other people are pathetically repetive. You are so dull and lifeless after a short while. When ya gonna live kid?

Sometime. Sometime.

And are you ever gonna quit playing dreaming of you?


ER...No. Its only my....20th play?

you've done it like 50 if not 100 times.

>.> Dont judge me

We all are. We all are.

Damn...

Mind still in turmoil...Realizing how guilty i feel over all this, and how much i love some even though i try to pretened i dont....Realizing some people i have slowly been losing caring for...trying to figure everything out. And i got sick and threw up. So not helping.

I guess i shall have a new resolve. I am saying fuck it to posting how i wont make it, or how i will, etc. etc. etc. I am only human, and going through...whatever the fuck this is. I really dont know. Instead i will just live. Yeah, shitsux, and yeah, some things are amazing, but ill get through it in the end, this whole thing is me being a melodramatic ass...

i'm sorry...

Guess i should eat and sleep, hopefully i am not actually getting sick. That would not be fun.

What am I doing...

Am i searching for self pity...reaffirmation...self hatred...forced penance...

Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell dont...

But dammit why cant i stay consistent...

One day I hate eeverything...then i become so pathetically clingy that I need people...other days i have more confidence than ever...then none whatsoever...

God. I wish i left this private...

God damn. How is it whenever left alone i get like this. Talk to people ten minutes i feel better...

I just dont get anything anymore. I am just not satisfied with anything. And obviously trying to remain optimistic and when getting pessimistic post it here in a hope of regaining optimism wont work...

I just dont know how i feel now. Or ever.

And what is worse...I dont remember how i felt any other time before. I dont remember how i felt that first time I told Laura i loved her. How i felt the days where I was feeling crappy and the cousins cheered me up. How i felt at sugoi hanging with Alex. How i felt Doing good on anything. How i felt after being dumped. I cant even remember how i felt or what i did yesterday...

God I need to work this out...

Take a break maybe...That is the one piece of advice everyone has told me on other stuff, im trying too hard, need to take a break, calm down, etc...

I always said i gotta try, or i am running away. Maybe i need to run...

I just dont know. But to everyone...I guess i deserve hate...anger, all that. But to all who have threatened to stop reading my blog, that part i dont care one flying fuck about. Even in my surest times. This is for me, why I havent privated it is still a mystery. But I use it for me, not you guys.

Heh. But alex, What the hell happened to me...Aint that the million dollar question.

It looks like ive just gone back to good ol' "things looking up, you cant be happy, self sabotague time" >.<

WTB reset button. 100 gold.

Wow. Really. So my new minecraft world gets fucked. I cant even have an escapist pleasure. God. Fucking hell. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I AM SICK OF THIS SICK OF EVERYTHING SICK OF EVERYONE

GOD DAMMIT

And fucking hell people are around so i cant just fucking scream. And this is not helpful at all. And you know. I am trying the whole time "Just text so and so" to try and get help, try adn feel something, but ya know, it is at the point cynic side is winning.

I dont think i will last.

Heh...god i really am horrible. I dont care about anyone do i...I say love, i try to talk...Hell i barely try. I use to text everyone, but now i barely do. I gave up. On so much...I am really just hiding, staying to myself. Everyone is expandable. they are people. Nothing to me...heh, i have just been trying to fool myself into caring havent i...

Or do i still care...and just fear? God. I dont know...

Yet i still am hiding...Still more alone than ever...God...I dont care....

about myself...about anyone else...

I am still just hiding...

I still hate myself...

Nothing is changing. God. I never change. I am so damn pathetic. Why do i bother. I should just leave everyone alone, that would make everything easier.

Heh. God. So pathetic.

And even with all this...Ill still pretend to care...still pretend every bit, deny it every time someone asks me what is wrong...Try so hard to convince everyone else, no, myself, that i feel...That i am a human...Not the little monster...

And then it will crash as i realize it was still a ruse.

And god. Portal 2 talk is annoying the shit out of me. Portal in general. It has been getting overdone on my geek sites. Turrets annoy me. Cake ingredients are fucking retarded. Glados is not that amusing, the gameplay is only good thing. The rest sucks. Yeah. I said it. I only like the gameplay of portal. I hate everything else. Even glados. Even the cake. Yeah. I fucking went there.

Go to hell everything. Just so it can be me attacking you all. So you can be mad at me. Cause guess what, you should be. I sure am...

Whatever. I dont know what in the hell i was hoping to do with this blog, it is not even making me feel better. But I cant even fucking talk to alex or ben or shawn anymore, so this place is the only fucking place i can trust. Because i guess it is not fucking real.

Heh. I cant wait to escape this town somehow. Then i can just disappear. Ill probbaly lose touch with everyone...oh well.

I really wish i moved.

Eh. Damn locked out. Bah. Scrubs time. Oooh. Relationship episode...

cant even write anything anymore...

And there is the breaking point...the tears...the hypocrisy...

Heh. Talk to me talk to me open to me trust me. Yet i cant do the same for anyone. God. I am pathetic.

I am sorry lee...

Sorry everyone...

in general, shitsux. Kthx.

I just...dammit no control...so stupid...so urgh...so need to eat and do what i should...Bleh. In a mood...

Get. The. Fuck. Over. Yourself. God dammit what the fuck is your problem. God. How can you even think you deserve to think about any shit like this, how can you think you deserve to ride such a fucking pity train. Your friends are going through such horrible things and you are complaining so much. Except to no one but your fucking voices. God. You know, your friends would probably be comforted if you actually freaking talked to them, but no, god, do you even trust them anymore? Cause i don't think you do. Actually, no, you dont trust yourself. Or is it worse than that? I think it is...you are no longer thinking people are or where ashamed of you, hell, you are doing it for them and are ashamed of yourself.

God. You know, maybe if you fucking listened to advice, listened to what laura said (thereby avoiding half the fucking problems you've had) or what your dad has said you would have no issues. I mean. Dear lord, if you learned moderation like your dad said you'd be better off. But no, you will fucking obsess over something to the point it irks everyone, you included. Or you try so overly hard rather than small, gradual, and good. Or you do the opposite and do too little. It is always one extreme or the other. You fucking obsess about one person for two weeks, or game, or anything, nad hurt, exclude, or ignore those you care about. God. Hell, if you moderated on all of this you'd be so much better off.

But no. You cant fucking get control. Cant follow Laura's advice. Or Dad's. Or even your own fucking advice. Maybe if you did you would not be feeling empty and shallow, you'd still have some of that confidence you had, maybe you would not spend and hour or two hating yourself, belittling yourself, dying from guilt, trying to punish yourself in some way for penance, maybe you would be willing to try and associate with new people more, or even with your friends, or even text more, rather than going on a self imposed exile to try and punish yourself. But no, you fucking cant even moderate that and are taking this shit to the extremes.

Hell. You cant even control your fucking mood now. Hell, monday Christine gave you advice, no insult, no trying to threaten your job, no anything, just telling you that you made a tiny mistake and to watch for it. And it ruined your mood, you made yourself feel like shit, and all that. God. And so you messed up this math test, you get another chance, and you can fucking fix it.

If you freaking try to figure stuff out. Dont do this "there is a problem, run away" and ignore it, letting it grow so you can have 5 minutes of happiness before ages of sadness. (hey asshole, seeing a fucking correlation yet?) Just confront it, try to fix it, accept it, grow up, move on.

Stop being a pussy, hell you have everyone here for you, but as usual you are falling back to that same habit you promised, swore, and said you could and would change. You are pushing them awayy, hoping someone will ask what is wrong and try and get help. But you know, even if they do, you are just gonna lie and push them away.

God. You are so pathetic. You swore all these things to fix yourself. So you would not still be guilty, so you would not have to be vainly wishing you could have a second chance you dont deserve, so you could be a fucking person you should have fucking been. And all you can do is let a few issues today ruin your mood more? So one fucking week was lousy.

But you know, even though this con had mostly good memories, you'll focus on the bad, then forget how the bad became one of the best things ever, and something you should have done way earlier. Instead you will twist the good, and instead of cherishing them as something you had, you will quell over them as something you lost, looking back with sadness instead of joy. God. How pathetic are you.

Heh. You could have so much, do so much, be so much, but you wont really try. God. How much of this con are you just gonna spend hiding in the card room? Oh wait, friends will be there so you will probably impose exile some random spot, sitting alone playing a game or something, until you have to return, then lie about everything so it seems like you where not moping and wasting time there. God.

You know. I honestly feel so sorry for you, instead of taking example from friends, or from examples you give friends, you are just there to be the general worse. And you could have honestly had great relationships that could have lasted, all of your last few. But no. You fucked them up and friendships.

And now, what is worse, you have fucked up yourself. You know. You may have repaired the friendship with laura, but i doubt you can fix what you have done now. Especially with yourself. I don't know how you plan to pick up the pieces, or if you deserve to

You know something annoying. I have been half way to breaking down so much, i really just want to cry, let it be a way to get rid of everything...but i cant even cry...

God dammit, why am i feeing worse and worse. Because i cant...no, i wont talk about it with other people...What is it? Why do i feel so depressed. >.< I cant even feel happy for others, put in the energy i use to, care about anything. Hell, the con is coming and i just dont even care...

And you know the best. How hypocritical i am. Telling others all this shit, yet i cant do anything. At all. I must be the worlds grandest liar, everything i say, some fancy, bullshit, random ass story. A lie.

God i hate myself.

hope...dammit dont lose sight of hope...come on, stop with this pity and self hatred fest...come on...you can break out of this...

I am such a coward adn selfish ass...Dad could have gotten promoted to georgia and a ton of money but i said i didn't want to, just to try and hold onto everything here, when i am losing it in a year or so anyways...

Then i realize...I want to try, want to escape, want to restart. Just because i cant handle anything and want to run away...

I hate myself

Guess some catch up...

Lets see. Today was fun. I really am glad that me adn laura are getting close again. As shown by our conversation, which i am tempted to post but she would hit me for it xD

Sugoi soon. Dunno how i feel bout it to be honest. so many memories. Always memories. And now i dunno how i feel bout them. Still hate myself in every one of my memories...But i need to stand tall, continue on, and forge new ones, and i will have shawn with me. Which will help. Finally having a guy friend at these things. I mean, sure lee and the others where there last year, but i hated half of them or barely knew them. This year i will have back up, people to help me control myself, all that.

And I am really glad for this job, teaching me control, money, value, simplicity, responsiblity.

And twas funny, I've been texting summer (my Cuz) and told her i had to go so i could work. Then randomly i hear, "Holy crap brandon!" Adn Summer was there and freaking out. It made my day. xD

I realized i dont start texts at all anymore.

Have i mentioned a social job is really tough for me, adn meeting these new people who are becoming, or meant to be like, a family is also tough? But i am doing it, and learning to introduce myself and learn names.

I really am scared i am gonna fuck up...I really dont want to. And i really want to impress dad.

Hrm. But man. I have a paycheck now...So odd...

Laura and Ria may come over tomorrow. Hope they do. And the Rally to restore sanity and/or keep fear alive tomorrow.

If you do come laura make sure to put /it/ on the right way xDDDD

Yeah, good catch up.

Oh, it is odd, talking with molly, bren and others more now, when i rarely did. Odd.

Also, got more dresden crack...NOT ENOUGH D:

death of daily blog now. I no longer am bothering trying to make it daily. I will post when i feel like it. Not like anyone cares about this thing much anymore. Seems the blog fad amongst everyone has died. And I am either not invited, not aware, or not caring about most otehrs blogs, only lee actually updates that I can read. So no point checking here often. So i quit with this site pretty much. Kthxbye

memory, where are you...

I cant remember anything recently...

How i felt. How i feel. I cant remember fun at tays. I cant remember the love i have felt. The joy. The pain. Anything.

I am struggling to remember things in school...

Hell I had to ask about the same damn things over and over at work.

God damn. This irks me. I can work on the personality and everything, duno bout memory...

You know. I am glad i got this job. It is a definant Advent adn change for me. It is my catalyst for complete change. For becoming responsible. Stronger, selfless, for learning politeness, for learning to actually speak and introduce myself, and not fearing people and break past shyness.

To learn to ask for help.

Dammit i can do this. I think i am...but it is still pointless adn too late isnt it...

Damn me. Hell. I havent even tackled half the problems, or really apologized all the apologies that need to be there, I still feel horrible, sad, guilty, empty, destroyed, pathetic, each and every day....

But i cant let it overcome me. I have no right. Gotta keep up on this. Gotta smile, laugh, and eventually, just like the forced brooding and despairs i used to fake became real, so can the smiles and joy...I hope...

Sugoi soon...I need grades up...I kinda dont want to go...Ill hide in the game room. Test deck out more...

I just...I am so happy...so empty....so nothing. I am back to drifting through life with no real rhyme or reason.

Oh well. At least now i have a steady income...

Wow...Lst night was nothing but nightmares...

Uhm...I dunno....Fail recording....

Marik structure is so broke

Gah. Have to work for dad now. Oh well. Tis income i guess. May enjoy it. Gives me something to occupy time too.

Need to get grades and missings up or no sugoi...which is barely registering...

Hrm. God...I really hate how much of myself i see in scott, especially since i know I wont be able to get a good ending like him...

Shawny back. Yay. Stuff. Things. Gah. I really have been crashing after school as of late. Need to eat. Yesterday i felt almost suicidally shitty then felt amazing when i ate.

I dun wnana blog

I hate you Ven. I want you to know this.

Uhm. Replaced psp. BBS is pretty good. Some issues. But good.

FFIX IS ON IT <33333333333333333

Uhm. Went to go get more meds, then stayed to watch bro/not allowed to see people still. All good tomorrow.

Dynamite is addicting. I throw my FFIX in the air say ayooo vivi is casting sloooooooooooow.

*had to*

Uhm. Dunno. I kinda feel...I dunno.

Oh well. Gotta take life one kilometer at a time.

Catch up

Yesterday was pretty good. Pwning on risk online game. Damn laura got me addicted. Oh who am i kidding i love her for it xD

Uh, got free pizza, Hyes!

Uhm. Psat outrageously easy.

Deck has been doing great.

Clarence died which was a mood killer as you can guess.

Watched numbers today, talked to people, cooked in spanish, etc. Great day overall except having to talk to Al (Mr. Gray, awesome teacher who randomly bursts into classes to tell stories) and see how upset he obviously was about Clarence's death. They really seem to have been good friends. And I like Al, hell i consider him a friend, seeing him that hurt really sucked.

Reconnected with Laura Sooy a bit yesterday. Small talk got to how upset she is with life, and we both told each other we where there for each other and to come over if we needed to talk...I really hope that happens. Laura is still a person who i hold nothing but good memories of.

Uhm. No more school this week. Kinda ruined by viewing and funeral next two days...

Got a month free live from Leland <3

Shawn has promised to get me a year for birthday (Seriously, I love you guys so much xD)

Having the guys over for yugioh, hanging out, manliness, and all that. Because childrens card games are so damn manly.

Remembering how much shotgunning a zombie in the face relieves stress.

Odd how much i am reconnecting with Laura, it is like before, cept with out the romantic feelings/people saying we should date/okay no other thing really, and just fun and amusing. I really missed this. It is a hella good thing.

I am getting a good idea of who i am. Although I also am being way too influenced by comics. But damn, I must say, Spiderman is one amazing character.

But yeah...Aside from some doubt and confusion doing pretty good. (obvious exception obvious)

And man, it is so odd, I really can't get Anna off my mind. And not even in a way like with Laura or Emily or any other past crush where i knew i wanted to be with them kinda thing. I just really...I find myself curious about her. I really want to know her better. Need to kill some shyness nad try talking to her more.

Hmm. But this is a decent blog for you all. Makes up for past few days, right? I think. Maybe. Who knows. I dont even know who all reads this, and once again, i don't care. Tis for me me me.

So yeah, off to read manga nad shoot zombies, ta ta

Wow...Man...I knew Clarence was in awful shape, had less than a month to live...All of that, yet why is him dying today so surprising, and so horribly upsetting? God...I barely knew the man, he only has been around like 5 or so years, (well, probably a few more, we know me and estimates) and i never really have talked with him long, or anything...yet i am honestly about to cry...

R.I.P. Clarence. You where a pretty cool guy. And in the end since i never met Dad's dad, you where my real grandpa on that side...I really wish i got to know you better before. I really do...

god...This is really depressing...

Dammit laura, no blog because you got me addicted.

Hrm...Psat tomorrow. Joy.

Hrm. Losing touch with school and determination...shit...

Rereading Black Cat.

Nothin else really...

Thunder cats jacket. That is all.

God dammit, screw you mom. Go to hell. So in the class i am struggling in yet am holding a b, one 77 is "flunking" god damn you mom. You know, you guys always said if i honestly was trying my hardest and got b's it would be fine, but you still are holding me to impossible standards and treating me like shit about this. God, a few A's dropped to 87's, and if i don't get to all A's bar parks and spanish no sugoi. Thanks mom. You know, I dont even want to go to sugoi now. So fucking take it from me. And fuck not cussing at this point, fuck you mom. I don't want to go to any con now. Just take it all. I don't care...I don't wanna go...Cause obviously if I cant be perfect then who cares, and you know, screw it all. I really dont care mom. Take it. I don't want to go to any con anymore. I mean, hell, I only mess up there too, isn't that right! I just mess everything up, fail everything, ruin everything, can't do anything right, isn't that right mom?!?

Screw it. If i have to live up to impossible standards and messing up even a tiny bit when i am freaking trying, then i quit trying. I will just get low enough so i freaking deserve this crap. I don't care about it anymore...it is as useless as me...I kinda wish i could kill myself without pain...no...I just wish i could disappear from existence. Never have been here. I wish i was a Forgotten One, used up my essence and myself to lose my right to existence...

Wow...i still fail....I cant stop disappearing for the stars...or anger...

And god. How pathetic am I. I cant even really talk to Laura alone without getting into my awkward nervous bad joke phase. I am pathetic...

Why do i just keep messing up...

PArty today...gah i cant shake worry and such. Oh well, need to enjoy it all.

Oh, and so it seems if i play solitare without taking a part of a psat i lose, if i take psat without solitare i fail, if i do both i pwn the test and win the game. odd.

Well, day has been odd. Wrote emo journal. Too lazy to post.

But man, hope shawny's surgery went good... Him not being there is very boring D:

Uhm. The chat owned by a douche online got killed <3, now all mah intarwebs yugioh peeps go to my friends chat. Victory.

Uhm. Too lazy to really post...

ONE PIECE IS EPIC!

I hate that i can only hurt...

I need to do homework...

Oh well. Today shall be good. Today was good. But man, i hate that everything is hell...

But Lee is coming over. Maybe Amir.

Oh, funny as hell thing:

So me and ben where talking about how we would be a great JD-Turk, and how I'd be a decent doctor and him surgeon and all that. I then open a fortune cookie, the fortune "You would prosper in the field of medicine" xD

And yesterday got hair cut, and Ms. Young forgot me when i went outside of room since they where goin over test i had not taken. I ended up getting my homework counted as full and participation points, just for sitting in the hall and reading <3

Uhm...God. Falling in love with...a belief of her, an essence, something not fully real, something i could never grasp, it is odd. Hating myself, trying to lose everything to gain something...Reworking myself completely....

I am keeping my cussing down, being nicer, thinking through everything...I can do this...God i can...

And Shawn is gettin his surgery tomorrow, all better go well!

God. I am so close to breaking...but doing better...I am becoming who i should have been last year...no two years...hell, all those years ago.

I am stopping with the idiotic shortsighted selfish behavior. Focusing more on school and everything. I am stopping with the insults, the scaring, everything like that, trying to become better in general...

I am somehow getting good grades...thank the lord....but it still hurts when parents say things like "you are finally getting the grades"...God, I have been trying this whole year...the only bad one was Parks, and i am actually struggling there, way to support me on that parents...

But god dammit i can, I will, I have to change...I have to...

Come on...remember what you said...dont give up...keep hope...

keep some form of hope....

or fall into being that useless shit you are...

who cares...

not you...

you are horrible still...

never able to do what you should...

"give up on yourself Neku and you give up on the world."

I guess i gave up on the world Joshua...

The flashbacks to all those years ago haunt me...

To every stupid thing i have done...

To hating myself...

To every thought of suicide...

I hate myself...

I have to accept all this...i am powerless though....change for better...god...what am i doing....

and now the next spot of the cycle...I lose touch with reality...try to convince myself none of it is viable, makes any sense, lose track of it being real...head back to that horrible little dream world of perfection i live in...I am awful...

you know bloggy...I barely am registering you as something not real...and barely registering that i shouldn't talk so much and everyone will read this when i dont want them to...

Dammit. Good thing i still feel like shit. Shouldnt stop...

but heh. Always told myself i needed a therapist, yet i cant talk to the one i have without getting defensive. Cant fully talk to anyone right now.

Man...when i play connect the dots I love how it all goes back to the molestation...how i kept saying it didn't mattered, how it was nothing...sexual acts where nothing...everything was nothing...none of it mattered...and then convinced myself everyone else must see it that way too...right...I mean, then i was not messed up....heh. But i was so fucked up by it...and have ruined myself and others from it...god i hate myself...Man...At least Taylors was willing with it.....and me...I dont have any sense of romance versus lust anymore...right or wrong, any sense of anything...I hate myself for this...I hate all I've done...

I really am a monster...

And i really cant solve anything...

God why does my mind keep drifting to heaven and hell, thinking of the end...Screw you mind. I still have never attempted that and never will...Never....

God. You know, what is that complex that people who where bullied end up mimicking those actions? God, I am pathetic, i am just like that. I have these stupid fatal flaws i knew i needed to avoid. Yet didn't. I ignored and shrugged them off...Heh. Clint fucked up my mind so bad with years of molesting me...yet i end up just as bad. God. Pathetic...And somehow i came up with these damn excuses to try and make what i did better...

God this time i am going ot change somehow. I will become better. I wont let these flaws continue. I have already hurt the two people i have cared most about more than anyone should ever be hurt...Dammit i am better than this, i can fix this...I swear it. I know these flaws. I need to devote myself to fixing myself. I need to stop being such an ass, stop cussing, stop all these horrible issues. I have already lost too much from this....And it is all my damn fault...And i have hurt too many people too many times...I will solve this. I will become better...I will learn...

But ya know the absolute worst thing, somehow i have been conditioned to think that is how it all should actually be...that is what everyone made it seem, how i learned...it is worse than racism in a way...god i gotta do this like i have done so many things. Forget all I know, relearn everything. Retry. I need to forget the fantasies, thoughts, and all i think on how it should work, adn relearn. And just forget everything else but the basic romance and friendship. forget the extra stuff...just let every single person know what they mean to me...

I may not be able to reset everything. But Dammit. I can fix myself. Make myself better. Be someone who deserves the friends I have. God DAmmit i can...

And Laura, Emily, you two specifically...God I really am sorry for how much shit i have put both of you through. And you two are probably the kindest and saintliest people i have ever met just from the fact that after all this you guys still have tried to help me before, and put up with me...Thank you guys. And I am sorry for who I am. I really am...

AND WE ARE BACK IN BLACK

Or at least blog background is.

Yah know. I really think, something clicked. Sure, everything is goin to hell still...But still. I finally have some control. Especially over this. It is not for you. Or you. Or you or you or you. (please fill in names for yous) It is for no one but me. This is a memoir, a reminder, a log, a recording of who I am.

And ya know what. I am beginning to truly realize who I am. I really wish i did not have to lose so much to really begin to realize it all. I really do.

But that is life.

But I needed this little thing. And i am thankful. For all of you. You guys kick ass.

And normally i'd apologize to everyone again, but you all must be so damn sick of that.

Also, I really want to take some dance lessons, I dunno why. Seems like it would be fun.

Really does.

God. I wish stuff would stop happening...or that for more that happened to me less would happen to Lee, Alex, Ben, and everyone else...god I rather take more pain instead of them...

Odd...I've given up, yet hold so much hope...It is really odd. Guess i am taking solace in chaos. But dammit. God Dammit. I will get past all this stuff. I will change. I will become a better person. I will be who i should and want to. Dammit i will. Dammit I am.

Odd, when did i begin valuing family so high? I use to hate idea of going to family things, try to get to friends place instead. But now...Now i kinda enjoy it at times, especially with younger family. and i find myself developing affection for family if only because they are family. I mean, since i began talking to Summer again i have fallen in love with her, she is someone i would love to bother more, and i kinda want to see more since she lives close to me.

(note, summer is my younger cousin, so not like that, pervs)

Just overall i have wanted to help family more, genuinly worrying about them, caring more...it is odd.

I really am changing. God Lets hope it continues.

And goin to lee's today, will be fun i hope. Need to help the Sex Bob Ombs with their decks, goin to Mr. S's tomorrow <3.


------hours later---

And god. I really needed that. I initially felt a bit bad, recent times where struggling to break past my dont-get-down philosophy. But i kept good, and i had a ton of fun. And realized Shawn and Lee are by far two of my closest friends.

But god, an iron man marathon kicked so much ass. <3

And ya know, a day with just the Guys is really good. Nothing can compare to how it is calming.

Even though Sabrina was there...


Too bad Tay, Em, Rachel, Claire, Ben, Kasha, etc. where not there D:

But god. Great week. And lol, seeing Lee again tomorrow...I think this is 4 times out of school this week? XD

Hoo boy, so odd, so odd.

God, it is odd, i should by all rights feel a bit sad, and a week ago i would have moped for a while about all this, spent this whole time with leland complaining and being confused...yet i am happy. Really. Utterly. Completely happy. I guess it is the certainty, not guessing, or something, I honestly have no idea.

I guess I really am sick of mopin, hell, what is the point yah? Screw it, instead of complaining on the drive to where-ever-we-are-going i should enjoy it, yeah?

But sure, parts of this suck, and a lot of stuff is going on, but why not run and enjoy all I can. I mean, life is going great, and i have great friends.

And man, writing this to talk to myself, making sure i don't put these subtle hints at whatever-it-is to other people is hard. I need to do this without talking to others but to myself.

Leland fixed computer, which is running better <3

Iron Man 2. Hell yeah.

And Emily, thanks. You really have been the most influential person on me. I know it may not seem it, but i have really become a much better person thanks to you. And i really am trying to become even better. And thanks for being a great friend all the time, even though i've been a horrible person the last few months. You are amazing with that, and i really am sorry for all the shit i put you through. And i really thank you, you've saved me so many times, and helped me so much. Also, while i have broken my one promise to you, this promise i make you, and guarentee that i will not break this: I stil consider you my best friend, and i will always be there for you if you do need me. But through this all, thank you, so much, for everything. And I am sorry, for a lot of things, for myself, for who i am, for what I have done, all of it. And if this is goodbye with everything, well, it was a hella good run, but i will respect what you want. And i am glad you got over your public awkwardness/fear, and that you and taylor seem to be doing so great, I really am happy for you. I hope you are happy, and hope life treats ya well. Thank you. Once again, I truly, utterly, thank you.

Explanation to live a day or three

This blog, nah, my whole life. It is no longer mine. At all. And this blog damn straight needs to be mine. And i am sorry...But i cant do that with all you reading it. It becomes a bit like the sherlock holmes quote, "Never make a theory without the facts, inevitably you begin to force the facts to suit the theory rather than the other way around." I need to force the theory (others) to support the fact of this blog (Mineness). And when i let everyone read this no longer is it a message to me, a recollection and story to me, a symbol to me...it is for you.

So tomorrow it is going private for a while.

And today...well. One bit sucked. But dammit. I am not letting pain control me. You know, I finally am identifying myself, I am letting my "Maro" become more populous. And you know, if that is how life is, i gotta move on and respect everythin. I mean, I've hung out with friends, I am going to Mr. S for tourney saturday with my great friends, I got iron man 2, I am falling in love with the world again, reconnecting with my younger cousin...Hell I iwll be dammed if i let life get me down. I am finally doing better. Dammit i need to remember that one thing. Hope. Even if everything seems bad, never give up hope, dear god i never can.

And I need to remember the one thing i seem to be forgetting, the ideal i based so much off of and shrugged off when Tay reminded me of it...Carpe Diem. Seize the Day. This damn thing is too short to give up on. I will live through this.

But yeah, sorry on the fact this is going private. I need to reclaim this. It wont be too long.

I need to reclaim this. It is not mine, it needs to be mine again.

contradictions...

To give up and move on with this, or to keep hope? To forget what i said or keep that stupid promise? To keep trying or to quit? So many ideals and ideas and wants and promises...so many contradictions...

I really dont want to post. Or even come up with a blog title. I've been handwriting lots of this stuff. Maybe i will do catch up sometime...but for now i dont know why i feel no urge to do it. Hell. I still feel no urge to do anything.

But man...Dad getting knee surgery today. Wont be able to walk at all most of the week, or maybe longer. Hrm.

Really need to post weekend recap...

But feel bit eh. Meds wearing off. And loving how i can fuck up with a single assumption and how i can take one stupidity and idiocy so bad. God. I'm just a bundle of good cheer and do-what-i-sayness.

But yugioh stuff soon. And god a great storm <3

...why am i about to break...day has been great...

yet the stress of others...god i feel so sorry for them...a few people being bitchy in the end...small little things that shouldnt matter...I wanna cry...I really want to cry...

I just want someone to force their way past like old times...make me open up...

I just want my friends back...

I want to the past...

I want to stop messing up...feeling like i am a monster pisssing everyone i know off...

I want to not feel so hated...

I want past this shit...Why cant i feel like just a little past an hour ago...So clear...so serene...I want back there...

I want the past...

I want myself...

I want to stop hating myself...

I want the tears to stop...

I love you so

Oh night sky, so beautiful, calming, clearing...Though i felt almost upset when kasha and claire came out. It was partially wanted i wanted, but i liked the calm and quiet. But they where good companions, quiet onlookers at the beauty, then everyone else came and it became fights adn jokes...Which was fun...but i dunno. I liked the calm, the peace, the quiet. The time to clear and control my thoughts.

But why do i feel so horrible...

I dunno. Yeah. BAck to this. Except this time it is i just dunno what to post...I am failing at making this a good log of my life to remember with...God, that really is depressing...

At least a storm is coming...Though i kinda feel it is in more than just a physical sense on this...

I need to somehow always carry around Gurren Music

Seriously, i never can truly be upset with that. <3 Gurren Music.

Lets see, stuff seems to be goin to hell again. Oh well I guess, I am trying to hard, Lee is probably right. I will ease down, lessen everything, maybe time will work its magic...I hope it does.

I BEAT VINCENT ON A MATH QUIZ!!! Yeah, i know, he is like 3 years younger and all that...but damn beating that evil smart kid is a fun accomplishment. Got a few Jolly Ranchers too <3 and it worked out, i wanted grape, lee had grape, he wanted watermelon, i had watermelon.

Pierre is utterly amusing, and somehow maria's. Too bad woman, you lost him i claimed him >.> I love him so >.>

Uhm, FF14 being a bitch about being downloaded. Will figure that out xD

Listening to Libera me from hell.

Hrm. Really wierd on homecoming...I actually kinda want to go, look forward to it, and want to enjoy dressing up and all that. But i just...I have a feeling it is gonna really hurt, i will get awkward and feel stupid dressed up, etc., but i dont want that to happen...

Uhm, got cool little book with FF14.

Liked super hero day, too many super men, and batman, though i love batman. And not enough marvel. God blessed it is like there are only 2 heros. Loved kelly's Link, and adored the scrubs cast. Didnt see the captain america though D:

uhm. made a blog for storys and stuff when i decide to write my shitty stuff.

Hrm. I dunno. But for once i am kinda glad. I just wanna go with this, see how it fares.

And yes, part two of mah RP has opened <3 And tis all comin back to life <3

Well, on the good saw Zack at school for wacky wednesday and got pierre

is isn't was is...so much damn trouble...and no matter what i am not happy...I have everything i want but still am not happy and seems that is not what i want...Then soon it seems like everything everywhere is crashing again...Ugh..

What do i want? What the hell am i doing...

Heh. Fuck me. God damn. I am annoying even myself. Guess it must be even worse to everyone else. Maybe that is why everything goes to hell and back within a day so easily...Everyone just gets sick of me...Guess that makes sense...

I hate this...Heh, i feel cheated with this...and that is about all i can feel...

Screw this all...Maybe i really should quit trying on everything...But i wont...i want to somehow make everything right...just keep my friends...

Fuck me...guess it always comes back to that phrase. Fuck me. That is what i keep thinking to myself...

God dman i am pathetic...

I guess i will just escape to FF14 in my escapist fashion...let petty pride pretend i am fine even when i just voiced it...

But i guess i just hurt people nad myself in games...cant do or go anywhere without ruining someones fun...being an ass...i hate myself...

And it seems no one who wanted to play will get it soon/wants to play anymore...

Fuck me...

Oh well. Time to escape soon...

I'm sorry. Truly sorry. For everything i've done, everything i pathetically inevitably will do...For myself, for all this shit...for being unable to fully let go of the past...everything...I am sorry. I really am...

something feels off...like something is missing...yet everything is great and i am happy....

Amazing how little things can put stuff in perspective.

That small pair of flowers sitting in the desolate waste, beauty shining upon that radiant space, look hard enough and one can see, how much they mean to you and me. God. It is just like the end of Summer. "I've seen you at the park." "Really, I never saw you.." "Maybe you where just not looking hard enough." I've gotta stop being so damn narrow sighted. Gotta start remembering myself.

Then it is like the claw machine. Hell. I gotta stop being such a wimpy quitter for fear of issue. I mean hell, i cant give anna fossils i collect for her out of what? Fear? I dont even know why it is so hard. But all this pathetic random fears, issues, etc. I gotta stop letting them control me and stand up, swallow pride, swallow all of it, ask for help, get help, do something to solve it all. I never gave up on trying to win the claw, or a yugioh game, and i eventually succeded. I never let hope, fear, or anything of the sort control me, but instead let it fuel me. God i need to play life like a game.

but i have so much. I have all i need. Even if life is hard I have so many to support me, and so much worth it.

And i have to remember what simply the core drill i choose to always wear now symbolizes personally to me. A chance. At redemption, at hope succeding, at life, at happiness, at anything. It is my reminder to always fight. Yet why do i try to forget it.

Yeah. Some things still hurt. Some stuff seems wildly unfair and cheated, but who gives a damn. Okay, I do. and i honestly should. But i cant let the feelings control me. Oh i fail at a game? Learn from it. I fail with trying to tell someone to stop cheating, comee up with better way. Accidently go to far on a joke, apologize and learn. Fail at romance, just stand up and do better later. Fail a test, make sure to not let the sour mood make me fail more, and rather than think i cant do any, try harder...

Dammit i am getting past this. I will probably get depressed again soon. But nowadays the good moments are outweighing the bad and more common. And I will be damned if anyone takes that from me.

Also i firmly believe that the whole patron god thing that can apply to individuals, like based on their talents and skills, if it is real applys very much to me. With the Green Aliens from Toy Story. I won a Minion from a claw <3

No, not the UFO catcher at the regal though. Those things are fucking evil. How do japanese win from them?!?! The standard is 2 claws only?!?! Japanese are not human!

.....WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Odin...Thor...Loki....The cards where great, and konami killed them along with all my hopes of running norse gods in a good card form! WHY *sad*

I cant stop messing up...

I just know so many are pissed at me...I am pathetic....

I am sorry...

Not that anything i say or do matters anymore...

least of all to you...

even less to me...

Okay. I am really pissed about some thing, seems like past keeps biting me. Seems like short end, like i was just a thing that everyone is, was, and will be ashamed of, pissed about things, yada yada. But that is complexs talking.


Today was...is...Great. xD Me and laura and Ria had a ton of fun once i got outta my funk. And over all everything was entertaining. And people are gonna yugioh with me. Though may just be me and paco and casey. But still.

And Yah....I lied on the privating. Another one of the common old things-said-in-rage. And to everyone, even if we are talking a lot nowadays...Just know i lied when i said i was giving up...I just cant. I still want to stay friends. I really dont care if oh we are not as close as once, we aren't dating, we are not bromancing, not in same state, etc, etc, etc. I rather have friendship than all that.

So yeah...Laura you are pretty with a moustache.

screw it

I quit. You guys obviously don't wanna be friends or associate with me, i am obviously nothing but a bother, a monster, some horrible thing only causing you pain, so fine. You all don't want me, i will leave you alone, you obviously want that...

I quit with writing. I am nothing but cliched and bad at it. I just am done trying to do something i cant and be something i am not...

I quit trying to distance myself from Tay, forgive and forget, move on with life, all that.

I quit letting this awkwardness prevent me from even just speaking to people like Anna, it is preventing me from getting more friends adn being better friends with people i know.

I quit. Plain and simple.


Also goin to Laura's and then the Greene today to break social norms and all that. Shall be fun. Then first official meeting of Team Sex Bob-Ombs. Hell yeah.

And also, this is going private within a week or two. For anyone who gives enough of a damn to want to read this pile of crap, comment your email.

Holy inferiority complex batman

Eh. Just in a day where i really cant feel good. Trying to not be too depressive or anything, not going well. But not doing things i will regret. Or trying to stay depressed. Trying to cheer up...

But this pain in back that causes me to cringe and gasp in pain every breathe is not helping...

And the fact that i am getting more certain that i just annoy half the people i text is not either...

And realizing that i hate every bit of my writing, am bad at it, and just starting to despise trying only to fail at it is a good bit annoying too...

And guess, what, the thing that could potentially be the highlight of my life for now? Starting a yugioh team with friends and leading it. Yeah. Let my patheticness wow you all. I have a yugioh team as the only decent things i have done in ages and possibly the only thing i really have...

And yeah, guys, it is totally Team Sex Bob-Ombs. 59/60 on it. Fuck yeah.

stop it

Stop stop stop stop. God damn. I don't want looks of pity. I don't want to be stared at with looks of depression, of sadness, guilt, sorrow, or whatever the hell is going on in your mind. I don't want any pity, if you are gonna just pity me, then don't. If you want to sympathize, you don't have to give me a look of sympathy that looks like you are about to off yourself. You can smile. And Honestly, even if i am being mopey, giving me that mopey look wont help. Give me a smile, talk to me, break past that little shell, get me to laugh, you can do it. You have. And do you always have to stare at me like...like nothing is there, like its a horrible thing, everything is gone? Give me a smile. God. I rather see happiness. And don't hide romance because "oh hey he is hurt and cynical", i dont need babied, need my ass kicked, and frankly, i rather see you smiling and happy than awkward and hiding.

And yeah. This is not a single person. This is in general. To everyone. And yes. I find directing all things i have issues with pertaining to lotsa of people towards a single fake person to be much easier.

Hrm. Really likin Anna, she is a fellow lover of Sweet Canadian Mullet sobe cap, was both our first. And she is rather fun.

And also...You stop it. Stop yourself. Why are you just dwelling? So you lost something, so you lost again, and hell again. If it happens then why dwell? You have had great times, and face it. They are gone. You need to let them be, stop just hoping so hard, you know it is a false hope, why do you keep doing it? The sad thing is that is not even why i am so disgusted with you...When did you become a quitter. So she doesn't like you, and so you seem to actually have developed a crush sometime recently, since when would that matter? You worked Laura for two freaking years to try and get her to reciprocate that crush. God blessed. You've actually become so impatient now. But god, if there is anything you have learned from games it should be simple to answer the cardinal rule, the biggest cliche: Dont. Give. Up. How often has everything changed with one moment, when you realized something, someone else failed to, or just got a bit of luck? You know it has happened a lot. Just stop quitting, try harder, sometimes the cards aren't in your favor, but you've gotten a lot of good because you tried past that until they where. Not one good friendship or romance lasted because you moved on quick when things seemed bad. Hell. Especially not romance, you had good luck there because instead of skipping onto next person when things seemed bad you tried to make it better and stuck through...

Stop dwelling. Get over yourself. Stop with the overactive hopes. Stop quitting. You can do this. God damn you can and will.

And guys...Thanks for dealin with me. Seriously. And for continuing to deal with me while i am like this...I wish you didn't have to though...I wish i was better already...

And Lee. It does mean quite a bit. And thank you a ton. You have become one of my best friends (Though with the amount of people i consider best friends i guess that aint to special anymore, or is it more special?), and you are one of the biggest helps i have had, especially in the last month. And whenever you need it i am here for you too.

sooooo

Lemme see. Wrote a good ol depressin blog. Basically the sum of what yesterdays blog-i-had-no-time-to-post was that i figured out the reason this is so damn hard to get past is this: It is not others causing it, or something i did to others, etc. It is all the faults, fears, complexs, and everything from my past that i had and never faced. I pushed them away. I ignored best i could. And now it is trying to consume me...But i will get past it...I will get over them. Lose it all. Or control it. I wont let myself disappear...

Please god. Please friends, please world, please deity's, fate, or anything else....Let me be strong enough to get past this.

Please oh please...

Urgh. I need to stop letting false vain hopes override reason...I knew exactly the answer. Why did i look to false data sets to interpret them as something they where not? I looked at rational rules and tried applying them to irrationals...

God. Why can't emotions make as much sense as numbers? God damn...

Found a picture of leland and shawn combined. It is amazing.

Uhm. Cursing my wierd awkwardness everywhere. In Sociology i did not even go to Laura and Maria for the group project, i felt awkward until Laura invited me over...Whihc made me feel a lot better...But god. I get my awkwardness in classes i barely know people. But there is someplace where i was with two of my best friends whom i have no reason to get like that with, so why was i feeling awkward and unwanted? Stupid confusing emotions.

Uhm. May actually go to homecoming. Since enough have badgered, and me adn shawn plan on having matching suits, fedora's and lightsabers xD

Me laura and Ria and girl whose name i dont know all workin on a project about breaking social norms cant end well. xD

Guess that is all.

I feel sick...

I feel literally physically sick. Bleh. That is a new one. I cant think now. Evil body.

What is this i dont even.

Just a lot is happening. Really not sure what to do. But...I am not gonna quit. I will keep trying. and i have friends to lean on. But...God damn, i am actually happy, not gonna let all this get to me. Hell. Half the confusion is good to be honest. I am finally getting somewhere. And finally being able to look on the good, and hell, forget the bad. Who knows. Just gotta keep looking forward. Not behind. Seize the Day, Carpe Diem, live life to the fullest.

will probably regret this, but oh well

you know, i am so sick and tired of this utter bull. god. whining about friendships fading, not seeing or talkin to people. all the people who said we'd stay best friends. that you'd all be there for me. and youd trust me.

what happened to that? it seems to be bs. all of this wanting friends back, yet trying to talk to you all is like pulling teeth. but maybe it is just cause it is me. but god damn, if i try to confide in most of you its obvious how you really dont care it seems. and now so few of you wll talk to me. and hell. me included, most none of us are going out of our way to try and talk to each other. hell. i am lucky if the most sympathy i get is an awww from someone. otherwise i just get generic "dun worry" "you are over reacting" etc. responses.

but god, what happened to when if i got truly broken like today you all would badger me to try and help, even if i didnt want it, and if all you could do was say you where there for me.

only lee continued to talk to me about it for more than 30 minutes. everyone else, this being a good 8 people, stopped around 30 min.

god why do i not do this anymore. why do none of us do this?

We all want to be close, and sure, a lot has changed, break ups, hook ups, some of see less of everyone than we want, some too many, etc. but what happened to when we instead tried for this stuff. most of us are upset by the distancing, bu god, if we all just tried a little harder...

if i tried a little harder....

aw hell, even if part of this is aimed at others we all know its me telling myself something.

Everyone...i am sorry. i've been pretty bad lately, and honestly will probably stay bad a bit more, sorry for my jealousy of idiotic things, pettyness, stupiity, grouchynss, bipolarness, etc., but just bear with me...and trust me, just if anything let me feel like i still have your trust...and let me lean on you all a bit longer...i will fnd myself, i know i will get better, i needa little time but i will...

i am trying...i swear to you i am, i really am....even if everything is changing, and i cant have everything how it was, i want us to be friends again. i just want the times where we all talked about everything, we could talk about our dates and romances with each other, our grief, sadness, joy, etc. no judging. no anything. no caring about our past relationships of any kind. where we aways had circle up, and most all of us where also talking in private. and we could talk about anything, and we just cared, even if we didnt know what it was, we listened just cause the other cared, and put aside our personal qualms...

or did that time even exist? a i just over draatizing small bits of good....

fuck it, either way. if i have to put on a mask, and even if i dont care i will listen, i will have myself go back to that time...somehow...or make it exist. make it real....I rather be trusted rather than have info spared to save my feelings. i rather know i can tell you guys anything even if you ex girlfriend, ex bromances, ex rivals, or ex deus ex machina, or anything. and have you guys feel the same with me....

but i am probably wanting impossible, over romantising it all...

I really shouldn't post this...

Oh well...

i am doing better...i will heal...

Deity, if you exist...Be there for me once. Just this damn once...

Dammit dammit dammit dammit...

What is wrong with me...I never thought i would lose this...I use to remember things clearly, how i felt, it was like when i was there...Now even five minutes ago in my mind feels surreal and like it didn't happen, like i am seeing a movie in my head...

And i cant do tests or quizzes...I start choking now...I forget everything...I forgot Hear and To Lose in spanish...I forgot words i used ten minutes before...i could barely get 26/50 of words i have been using for fun the last few years...

And even now spanish class seems to be weeks ago...

I now have to study...and even then it is not helping... "To hope for" I read that and went over it 20 times...I forgot it...in 1 minute between setting paper on ground and seeing it...

Hell, i took the practice qui online 5 times and missed questions i had already gotten correctly...

And after i managed 2-3 90%'s i still only got a 75 in parks...

Man...I never thought my memory and test taking would fail me...

I guess it is true, nothing is forever...

but i am so screwed...failing now...

I feel so useless now...So pathetic...so unneeded....so weak...

I just want....what do i want, last year? Old friendships? the past? I don't know...

You know...Maybe i do...I want me back....I want to be myself...Whoever that is...

"Kick her in the balls!"

YEah, pilgrim quote. Deal with it.

Hrm. I dunno if it is meds or not, but i have been going from depressed to happy to pissed, etc. much more easily.

And gah, like everyone is going to homecoming...I kinda want to go...but i dont. It was pretty bad...and i know my complexs and other such stuff is going to easily put me over the edge...But i do like the outfit i had before, twas snazzy, and i did enjoy just takin pictures...

Gah. Indecision sucks.

ANd you know...I really miss the past. But i gotta stop moping...God emotions listen to reason. Grasp for a new future, or catch whatever of the past still exists.

Comic books are actually quite inspiring. Better than manga in quite a few ways.

Hrm. Sixth period is entertaining, Mason and Amanda are hilarious.

7th was fun.

Uhm. I gave Leland Fossils, who gave to Anna, and he made her hug me, she was quite awkard about it, kinda amusing...

Uhm. My moaning and ranting aside nothing else to add...

Hrm.

"This is the vegan police!"

STill lesbianing Scott Pilgrim.

Hrm. Really just...out of it recently. A good bit is meds i can tell. But just out of it a lot. Confused and bored and just weary. But who knows. I just keep dwelling on how...I don't know anything. How I have no idea what i want, how i don't know where i am going, no dreams, no ambitions, no real talents, self confidence, nothing...I just...I don't know. and i hate that. I really do.

But eh, to hell with sob stories. I am doin pretty damn good. Gettin closer to peeps and all that. Getting a good group of fellow Duelists, enjoyin comics, etc. Overall not much to complain about...

"So presumably you saw some guys junk, and for that i apologize."

God, loved scott pilgrim so damn much. Saw it twice. Spent 24 hours with Shawn. Played lotsa yugioh. Good weekend.

Got avengers comics. Quite fun.

Hrm. Feelin out of it today...Not trying to communicate. But...well no one really responds back much...only Kasha. Every single other person barely responds anymore...Gah. Trying to hold onto past friendships...but they all seem to be fading...

I dunno what i am doing...I really dont...

More on...wait for it, wait for it, yup, Yugioh.

God, i love this game. It is fun no matter the play level. And something i know well. And honestly, i have mnade some of the best friends through the game. It has so many memories. And it has helped me get past my inability to try and hang with people outside school besides in parties and such. God. If i didn't have this game i dont know what would happen...

Woah, good day 0.o

Okay, lets try to recap. Cant forget.

Lets see, Math was fun. Though this new girl (Or newly met, not sure) girl Anna stole Lee when i wanted him as a partner. But we all where talking, and i realized she is also in my AP lit, she is cool so far. Definitely wanna know her better. I mean, i said "Gah, chase, what is the word?" And she yelled "The bird!" which won me over instantly. And both Laura and Lee like her (maybe others i know too, not ignoring anyone else who does, ive only seen those two talk to her xD) so she cant be too bad.

Then Mr Schultz saw my thundercat shirt, told me it was awesome, and proceeded to talk about it for a good 5-10 minutes. Epic teacher.

Then mentor was fire drill and lit club meeting. It looks good. Though really pissed about some of the people who are there...

Not gonna name any names.

FUCKING ZACK JORDAN

Nope. Not naming any at all. At. All.

Oh, something I forgot. I realized with Anna that for some reason recently with people i have been...trying harder? Trying to reach out more? I am less sullen and spiteful to people i dont know. And those i am developing an interest in (Not romantically) I've started actually introducing myself and offering my hand. And with me...well that is huge. I never really introduce or learn names, let alone try to (I get all awkward and shy...). Hell, sometimes i have trouble even after ages of talking to people. so i dunno, just realizing i have been doing that, kinda interesting to me.

Lunch was me obsessing with an infernal program. Think i got it though.

Socio we just talked like whole time xD

Spanish was Amanda and Mason making fun of Jeff Maler over half the class, it was hilarious.

7th was messing with Miguel, and readin beowulf amongst other stuff. Not too bad.

Uhm, benny and kasha feelin sick D:

Uhm. New format <3

Oh. Yeah, we got Uverse and such here, so internet was down, hence no blog yesterday. I had pen and papered one. But that was just a sulky thing. Too lazy to post.

Hrm. Came up with a cool idea for little Sosun stories.

And yeah. That is all...

Oh. Lee, if you read, remember master ball D:< Also we need to hang out like saturday or sunday or friday.

Gah gah gah.

I just. Okay, so feel self goin halfways to breakdown. Find myself looking for things to feel offended and angered at. Trying not to let it control me, ventin to ben if need be.

But hrm, god. I feel as if i am trying to fall for some people at times. Or am i just developing small crushes? I mean, i guess it makes sense. I see them higher than others to a small degree, and get along well, etc. and with how my mind is acting it is obviously past just friendship in my head...

But it is nothing like with Laura or Emily. I know that for sure. And i am almost tempted to just try datin with them if they would, to hell with caution, protection, to hell with trying to make it something to last the ages, etc. just try to keep it casual and fun, like a lot of friendships with a few other benefits, and the ability to keep self from my mind and just have someone there...

But then i realize that I couldnt do it. And hate that about myself. I get too damn attached, and i cant handle casual. I take it all too seriously, and when i go into these kinda things I end up inadvertently searching for something that will last. Then it gets to the point where its not even a question to me on feelings, it just is, it is just odd...

And the other part realizes that i am once again turning them into fantasies in my head, putting them in ways that dont exist, putting them amongst false pretenses and illusions to give my mind an escape.

I will force my mind to stop doin that. And if life continues, and something developes, cool. If not. Well I will still just enjoy myself.

Gettin annoyed with random things. But oh well.

Glad Eclipse is working in Comp Sci, tehre is an odd calming and fun thing with programming. And a pride in getting the program to work. It is like making a good Yugioh deck...

And gettin much closer to Lee as time goes on. Odd. Not a complaint though.

And hrm, i meant to avoid whining and introspecting too much here.

Oh well. Tis my blog to do whatever with. So yeah...

NEW FORMAT TOMORROW *waves flag*

What to post about

Do i post about raging internal battles? The little escapes i am sure i am doin now to make self better, false illusions, hope, etc., nah. People are probably sick of that. And the more i give voice to those emotions, the more control they get. It is like a game, when i let fear and despair rule me, i play bad, keep calm head and i will do fine.

Do i talk about odd dreams and what they are implying? Nah.

Hate, confusion, etc., nah. I am gonna try to forget that.

How its gone to only Kasha and Rachel textin me constantly, and despite my best aims it seems that my friendships are fading, no matter how hard i keep trying to keep them going? Nah. That would lead to trouble in many ways. And just be he said she said.

Annoyance at hypocrites and other stuff, general statements aimed at specific people, or specific statements aimed at no one? Seems pointless.

Then what to talk about?

Not sure. I think body gettin use to meds, and not breaking down all the time now.

Enjoyin life for no real reason.

Been getting in a wierd mood where i want to create something. I just...Want to make some program, some story, something beautiful and amazing. I dunno. It is odd.

Lovin new deck.

Loving my sonic screwdriver.

Hrm. Feel sorry fro miguel, stuck between me and laura last period.

Finding it scary just how exact i find myself with J.D., it is so damn accurate at times...

Uhm. Still taking 4 week hiatus badly...

I guess that is all.

I dunno.

I feel i need to talk about how i am better, changing, etc. But god. That has to be getting annoying by now. But i am trying, I really am. I need to forget myself a little bit. Think how others would. Try to get past this. Who knows. Who knows.

So to solve everything in my own way, lets make cookies!

Why am i loving school so much...

So i have only one or two classes with good good friends who i actually associate with and can talk to. I have had more than that each year and been depressed about it. But now, only Sociology do i really talk to friends. No time in other classes. And i am enjoying the classes, doing work, nad everything...

Why?

God...I wonder if i have distanced myself...

THough. Kinda funny. Last year i had about 6 people i enjoyed at lunch, Tay, Em, ben, claire, Lee, Hess. Most of the others annoyed me, or like Ria and laura went to other places usually. Then the year before i only had 3 people. This year i actually have a large amount of people at lunch to hang with. Odd.

But man. I think meds are really messin with me, or I do have some form of manic depression disorder or something.

But hrm, no idea what to do today. Or in general.

So...Yugioh!

I feel so guilty, like i am harming everyone, so selfish, so horrible...

Why do I keep feeling so bad...

I wonder if meds may be affecting...

But i still keep going back to feeling so bad...

scruuubs, how i love thee. Even your depressing or odd moments.

Molly: I'm sorry, I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people and you're just too normal.
JD: [to himself] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.
JD: My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.
JD: [to himself] At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.
JD: Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.
Molly: Wow.

what did i do what did i do

Not much, uhm. Me and kim spent all period lookin at dresden stuff. Uhm. Parks apparently has a goal to insult us all at least once before year ends. Few other things. Yeah.

Who knows.

Could give some more long, ranty, detailed thing.

I could introspect, talk bout others or something. Buut. I really dun wanna. So i shall follow the bandwagon.\

Oh my epic mother of all that is good and sacred. God blessed epic One Piece. This skip will be epic.

But so long to wait...

Hrm. Storms in every sense be brewing...

Well. I just feel like...Something really dreadfully bad is coming up. And more hell is comin. I dunno. Hopefully it is just a feeling.

Growing a bit annoyed with how I am divided between cynical and hopeful views -_- Seriously mind. I understand that i need to stop being so serious whenever i entertain romance thoughts, need to stop searching solely for perfect person right off the back. That obviously ain't happening. and i know i need to stop focusing on a relationship now, it is probably pointless in the end, and more likely than no to end in high school. I need to stop getting worked up, and overdone about it all. I should enjoy my childhood with out trying to find the rest of my life, trying to grow up too fast, etc etc. And i know that most importantly i need to stop making the mistake Dresden makes too, and i need to be able to just enjoy something simply and casually... I know all this. I know it has validity, i know all these issues i am having, and all sorts of stuff...yet why am i finding myself going between yearning for it to hating it entirely. God. Why are emotions so damn confusing...

Bah, meant to not go into that. and leave it mulling about in my mind...Probably should delete...

Oh well.

But Meds are wearing off. Now getting introspective, saddening a bit, and tired adn grouchy.

But i am actually liking school this year. May be able to keep up and work with it all this year... I need to stop forgoing everything school for others. Need to buckle down and focus on this...

But ya know. I dunno. Gotta go with the flow of this. What happens happens. I cant let it get me down and break me...not anymore. I gotta be stronger and get past this. Better myself. I need to...

And one of the best quotes ever

"Relationships? Well Sigmund, relationships are so...fragile. It only takes one thing, one tiny little offense, and it can snowball on you. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, god forbid, you better be ready to tuck and go my friend.

And bam! The shines off the apple. And thats when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa here she comes" kind of man eater, I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dish towel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. But of course, I may have tormented her from time to time, but honest to God that's what I thought marriage was all about, so much so that by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more...her or me. I used to sit around and wonder why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other like we were. And there it turns out the answer's pretty simple. They weren't unhappy, we were.

Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

Ah the boost and the crash....I hate the crash

Also Emily, the emotions be PMS'ing, only cause saying PMS'y emotions is easier than emotions-sporadically-changing-in-seconds-based-off-of-little-things-that-should-not-affect-me-so-much-and-happening-every-few-hours.

Hrm. Good first day. Glad to be back on meds. Even with the crash they make me think better, feel better, adn act better.

Been getting really annoyed with some stuff of couples, romance, and all that. Tryin to push it away as my cynic/jealous/single side. Though some of it is quite valid. But despite myself i am skipping on elaborating on the pet peeves. Always ends with hurt feelings, fights, me feelin bad, things said in anger, etc. and because i know i do some of those things too. Even if i am annoyed by it.

Kinda sad bout somethings i have realized. And other such things.

Lets see. School is overall good this year.

first study hall. Yay sleep and such.
SEcond period with Chase (Who i am becoming good friends with 0.o times do change), lee (Who i am really startin to trust and like more), and a few others. Also me and chase got our same seats from Comp Sci
3rd was same teacher, seems fun, made me and chase move up, wont let us stay in our spot D:
4th Parks <3
5th looking fun, though Ria and Laura where arguining over who got to sit in front of me
6th. Spanish, eh. Not looking forward to it. Not retaining well at all.
7th. Seems fun, likin AP lit too.

Hrm. Trying to keep myself with enough hope in life to not kill myself, but trying to stop from getting too much hope and setting myself up for destruction.

This crash is makin rational thoughts hard...

Wrote a whole chapter of story. Gonna start 2/3 tomorrow maybe.

Uhm. Dunno. Most of second lunch peeps together sorta. Lots of first. Interestin lunch. Wish all the others got there too. Specially rachel, just aint the same without her D:

Ugh, cant think much more. This was supposed to be better. but yeah. Decent first day.

Hrm, mroe random catch up

So school work still not done. WIll do soon >.>

Uhm. Hannah is downright adorable now. Like Evan, Haley, adn my cousins. She is not just pretty kinda thing, but small animal cute >.> I want to go "Awwww" Adn hug her now.

Uhm. Lions was pretty damn fun to be honest. Not even much crazy period. And that hill was an amazing spot. I loved it so much.

Uhm. PMSy emotions still being annoying.

Starting to work to hang with friends more. Twas lotsa fun today. THOUGH CASEY WONT GIVE ME CAIUS!

Uhm. Yeah. Not much else. New year will be...interesting. To say the least.

long post deleted D:

damn ds. up with insomnia.

feelin good bout self. though i feel like my being happy is hurtin others and feel guuilt. fucked up.

though fact that everyone went from 100+ texts a day to nothing with me is helping me feel guilty...

oh well. cant let life get in way of livin ja?

forgoing romance in interest of friendship with all peeps.

uhm. dunno. dun wanna retype all.

uh. 2 oclock, my place, today, yugioh party. come play, learn, or just come to see friends to be honest xD

Yay PMS'y emotions

Goin from clinacaally depressed to carefree happy. Always round 9 i go a bit insane.

But god. This hill to just lay and watch the moon, see the stars, admire the crickets' song, lay in wet grass...It is gorgeous. One of the most beautiful sights ever. Around 9 (without realizing the time xD) i have headed over each night of festival. I love it. One of the best places i have ever seen.

I really am gettin to be a nature lover mroe and more recently

And funny. the only thing i feel so truly in control, excelling, in the know, nad like i can do it and be good is cards. I have indecision and issues with everything else in life...Cards i just know them. Love them. Feel confident. Only thing i dont feel inferior with.

Ugh, so tired

Nightmares are annoying. And dreams, and insomnia. Blah.

Odd

Though still goin insane in many ways, i have realized i really like how i look. Haven't liked how i looked for ages 0.o

Ha.

You know. I am overthinking, over worrying, dreading, hoping, obsessing, caring. I need to stop.

It is like the lily allen song, "Let's just see how it goes" The song describes this. Lets go with it.

But man. 11th grade is looking a lot like 9th. Hell first period study hall 4th period Parks. Exactly. Amongst other things.

Haha, fun

Thanks for the blizzard-shake Laura~

But man, the less i see the more i know, the more i know the farther i let it go. But god. Intuiton is tellin me lots...Dunno if i should act or not, or what to do. Still sorta confused. But i wont just ignore it like usual. Lets just see how this goes.

And in other news...

LIFE I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL

ugh

why does one small thing still get to me. One stupid word. One stupid idea. All these little things. GRow up me.

Ugh, get past all this random shit mind. I command thee!

You know. I wish i had Geass. I could just look in a mirror and command all this random crap that should not affect me to stop affecting me...Amongst other things.

But got yugioh back. Thank the lord. I needed it bad...

PHrm.

No idea. On outside looking in. Just kinda lost and wandering about. Kinda like my walk. I needed something, no idea what, needed to move, go somewhere, but i wandered about pointlessly. Oh well.

Also. Paramore concert=the shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7j2uWvFKyr4&feature=related

Weeee

Good day. Riding bike in rain makes everything great, feels great, won a shinx, sorta stole sorta got back phone, got BK, yah.

wee story

chapter 1 (part of it)

She was positively unremarkable in every sense. She had simple straight blond hair, while also being of a completely normal in height, the only thing that was even close to remarkable was her gifted size when it came to her, uh, eyes. Her large eyes. At least, I thought that was all that was remarkable and special about her. I was proved very wrong as I walked by her and felt the uncommon, and horribly terrifying attraction to her. She was far from ordinary, very far from it, she was something that is one of the few things I fear; she was a Mystic.

Allow me to explain. It is quite necessary for this journal to reveal the truth to the world, and explain how all of this came to be, in a way that makes sense beyond the normal way of rationalizing everything. Now I live in the same world as all of you who will read this, except I am aware and part of a world that is one of myth, or of so called myths. There are gods, demons, and creatures of which science and logic have no rational explanation. People of powers, or myth and lore with great powers and more, or their children, those are the people (or in some cases beings) that have the title “Mystic” and lived in a side of the world that everyone else pretends is just stories.

All of it is real. Then to top it off between all of us who have not had our energy sealed (Or aura, life force, soul, chi, chakra, or whatever you wish to call it) we give off a small distinctive force, something that is just innately recognized, the “attraction”. To offset this and prevent anyone who wishes Mystics ill will (super humans are not well treated) we have our energy sealed when it starts to reveal itself, and us, around the age we come into puberty. Usually the sealing is done by a parent or someone trusted.

Yet this girl had her energy flaring, vibrant, and strong. She was much too old to be letting it flare that strong, yet it was powerful enough to act as a beacon of sorts. She was much too old -- and powerful-- to let that kind of energy be out in the open.

I did the only thing I could do in a situation like that. I went up to her with a smile and tapped her shoulder. As she turned to look at me I saw that she had a round face with two small dark blue eyes, and tightly pursed pair of lips, and a small nose to compliment her overall smallness. Turning her gaze up towards me, then in a remarkably normal voice questioned, “Yes?”

Looking to her I held out a hand and introduced myself, “I am Ernesto Dii, and I thought I have seen you around before, and I wanted to know if you would mind going to get a cup of coffee with me.”

She looked at me strangely, which was to be expected. Deep in thought she was considering it thoughtfully, which I had found quite irritating to wait for. Finally I cracked and to speed it up I slowly concentrated and let some of my energy leak out to alert her to what I really was. Her eyes lit up in sudden recognition and fear, though she tried hard to hide it.

Trying vainly she started to pull away, but I grabbed her shoulder lightly, “I am not here to hurt you, I just want to talk,” I told her simply, then gave a small bow, “And I do want to get you some coffee.”

Thank you storm

You help me get out of the funk i have been in. <3 rain.

And tomorrow be Paramore concert con mi padre y mi tio <3

Congrats KTR

YOU ARE MANAGING TO BE GOOD AGAIN!

And i hate hate hate hate having to download every chapter i want to read.

I'm being taken over by the fear...

God i love that song.

But it is kinda true. I guess i just am fearing so much, and for some reason even if i know otherwise...I just can't grasp things. I feel so alone, like i don't fit in with most friends, i am always the odd one out, always third, always least important, always the unimportant extra...At least that is how it feels. Even though i know differently...But i mean, hell. I still just feel so damn unimportant, no one ever just wants to hang out with me. The last non-party time i just hung out with friends? When Whit came over when she was stayin at Hess'es house. I guess this little inferiority complex is why i was so damn ecstatic when laura and Ria suggested us three just hang out to explore my woods and have fun together. Like old times whenever we went to Laura's before i fucked so much up. I really hope we do hang, just so i can feel...hell, just to feel something beyond what i am.

But i am almost tempted to just stop it all, stop insults, fears, worries, bothering people, scaring, planning, arguing, cussing, everything. Stop being...start existing...

Hell. Who the hell am i even kidding. I am just scared like i always have been. Deathly afraid of more pain, of hurting others, of myself, of all the stuff in life. And i want to take the cowards way out, by becoming nothing, hiding from everything...

I hate myself. I really do. I should not be like this...

Why am i like this, why do small things knock me on my ass so much...

What is wrong with me...

Stuck between past and the future, and therein lies the issue.

The more i realize it, the more i am finding that a ton of my conflictions are not from any true issue, but a indecision on who i want to be, where i want to be, and the past and the future.

I won't lie, i have a image of the kinda person i want to be (*cough*Maro*cough*) and I slightly worry about it. I try lightly to work towards it.

But recently i don't know any more what i truly want. Do i want to go back way to the past, do i want to be the cynic who didn't believe in love, thought all romance our age was doomed to fail, thought being close to people was just going to lead to pain, all that? Those thoughts have all been gainin some more say in recent times. Or do i want to be that silly boy dating Jess just to try it, to see what dating is like? Do i want to be the horrible person i was around that time, hating everything. Do i want to be the silly kid doting on laura, spending two years feeling something special, thinking i found something few will ever find, and slowly going from a cynic to hopeful, and wanting to get her from a cynic to the one i wanted...Or the one who lost everything he worked hard for and leaned on the friend who he use to never care for, and then slowly realizing that the girl who had practically stalked him was making him fall in love with her just as much...Or do i want to be the broken hermit, who just gave up and quit on everything...Or do i want to be Maro. Do i want to look on this with a smile, a laugh, shrug it off, say "Was good eh?" and continue on with life, enjoying it fully just to enjoy life. Taking every little thing as if it was the last thing he would see.

But Maro has Shiro...And he dies.

You know. That would be interesting, i want a near death experience to put everything in perspective...

But god. I realized how much of bullshit everything i do is. The Ego, the surity, the lack of fear. Who the hell am i kidding. When i say i am hot, that is me trying to hide how little i think of my looks. When i talk a big game on something, yeah, i think i suck, a lot. Talk about things i am good at, yeah, I really think i suck at them, and am trying vainly to convince myself that i have something. Hell. I find myself lessening myself in every way with every one of my friends. Looks? Forget it, Taylor and others are all better and will be better. Gaming skills, please, Clint and ben are so better. Writing? Emily and others kick my ass at it. Reading? Laura is way better. Everything, well, someone i am friends with probably is better, or has something that is unique or talented to them. Something amazing, the ability to create something. Music, writing, art, something. Me, I got nothing beyond yugioh, and that is hardly an art.

And i realized this from driving. I talked about it pretty big, but as i started with dad, even with his encouragement...I found it almost overwhelming. I was scared, truly, deathly afraid. If i messed up it was huge. It was terrifying. And i already can't decide anything, afraid i could mess everything up, and i start getting nervous, fearful, and i start joking to try and make things better, i overexplain and say the wrong thing. But with driving...Don't have that option. It scared me senseless. Some people are ecstatic about it...I am scared. But i like it. Takes every bit of me to do, focuses me...and Dad made me seem like i was able to do it. I need this.

But yeah...No point in this really.

Oh! Marions giant sale till 11th=THE SHIT. Large pizza, two bucks. Greatest. Thing. Ever.

OKAY GOOD MOOD GONE, EFF YOU THINKGEEK

So. I wait and wait for the Sonic screwdriver to be in stock, so i can order it and hte cookie jar together. Then guess what. The cookie jar got out of stock as screwdriver came in stock T_T WHY

Haven't snuck on in a while.

So, been trying to work on discipline and finding myself through all this. And got two hours of freedom today...just the right amount.

I mean, ugh. It's been really odd. I've finally severed the connection to needing contact, to having to talk to the specific people to keep sane and such. But i am afraid i severed it too much so i wouldn't want to or be able to even keep contact with anyone or care enough. Luckily that pessimistic voice failed out and i kept sorta normal at ben's.

But...Ugh. I am overreading a lot, overthinking, taking small things as big things, taking small snide comments or tones as something huge. But god, why is it when i feel like i finally am finding myself, finally getting it right, finally getting past the bad emotions and becoming better...like a few people are just not caring, like i have become a piece of useless nothing to them. But i am probably overthinking...I mean, i always end up thinking those whose opinions i value most are treating me like that. Hell, it is how i became petty and stupid and ruined a lot between me and laura and me and clint...

But god...Everything of the past i have done is really getting to me...Disrespect, anger, jealousy, fear, cowardice...lack of control...Ugh. Even with those i thought i kept it in check with best, and wanted to make a good impression on i didn't...Even if no one else thinks of it anymore i still am thinking about it. Every little argument the past summer, small things i did years ago...All of it i am still hating myself for.

Man. I am so close to getting past this all...But I hate that i am letting my cynicism and pessimism win out more. I feel myself falling to old habits i hated...I feel old cynicism and ideas taking more power in my mind than before.

Hell. I don't know anymore.

But god damn, i am sure of one thing. I really love ben and whitney. Ben...God me and him speak everything and just seeing him alone durin party...I won't deny, i am kinda teary in sentimental sappiness at the moment. He has changed and grown so much, he has become so damn awesome, and no matter what he always is having my back and bein a friend, and he somehow knows just how to keep me happy and be there, without trying. I hope i see him more in school...I keep from letting those damn devils taking over when he is helpin me. But damn, glad to see ya, and even if you probably don't read. I love ya ben, happy birthday.

And god, i really missed whit. It just makes me smile how she is. And i really needed a good hug. Not one of those crappy hugs just to be polite. A true damn, honest to goodness caring hug. Where it is tight and it seems like that person means something to you, no romance or lust or anything, just caring. Only Kasha and whit give those nowadays.

And it was good seein Alex again, I love the simple fun in hangin with her. Like a sister i never wanted. But made party more fun. And Alex, sorry i will be unable to hang more with ya this week, my bad xD

But ya know, I am stuck brooding on the bad of everything, when i should realize the old philosophies i had that i haven't been payin much attention to. I mean...Me and Laura are just like before we dated. I mean, we had gotten past all the issues a while back, but only recently have we really just been able to goof around, be chummy and act like old times.

But god, I may finally be getting somewhere. And if i have to give up the old, go for the new, or grab at older. So be it. I just gotta nut up or shut up.

And just forget it all. Let everything mean nothing, stop trying so hard, and getting hopes up to get them crushed. Most of my issues stem from tryin so hard and risking too much. Gotta play it like yugioh. Play safe, careful, and don't overextend. When i get confident, or happy, be always double checking and careful completely, that is when you mess up and be the stupidest you can be.

But man, i needed this. Twas fun.