Anne rice, you think of me as a vampire.

It is almost strange how much I relate to the Vampires of Anne Rice's novels. They are detached from the world, barely caring, only affected by a few things. Pale (haha, inside joke), They are intelligent, and many times they have no idea about what they believe about anything at all. And they don't register things as quickly since time is irrelevant to them.

Honestly I am getting a bit worried again, I am just detached on some things. Stuff is just not sinking in, I mean, Me nad Laura have been dating almost a month or two, and I am head first in Like for her, but being Called her boyfriend or her my Girlfriend, it just doesn't register to me and sound strange.

And honestly, nowadays, I can't do opinions at all, I barely can look at something that logic can easily apply to, and blow logic to the wind and just randomly say, 'for no good reason I think this or like this." I always have to logically look at it. Although, nowadays Emotionally I am looking at things. But I can't do opinions. I have no feelings about Right, Wrong, Good, Bad, and so on, It is all Cost-Benefit, even with human nature, I can look at the whole of it and find logical reasons why someone would do this, and find the next event in the set relatively well. That is why I can tell so much about people by studying them.

But so many things, I just can't comprehend them, or empathize with them, Religion I understand, but can't relate to well. Death, the past, Politics especially (really it is almost all biases and opinions), Abortion issues, all that stuff.

And here is the scary thing, the things that I have mentioned before, most of the time, most of life, I just can't care or feel, it makes me feel so, inhuman.

And my overblown obsession with Laura is cooling down, so I can clear my head and think logically when concerning her.

And my story, it is becoming more and more prominent in my mind, I need to write it.

And I think I have found out a semi-logical why I can't enjoy games and such (besides I rather be online and talk to people), new things aren't interesting me since I can't associate with them, get surprised by them, or reminisce with them. I have a good skill at remembering past feeling when engaging in an event from the past, so say i hate something now but use to enjoy it I can remember the joy, so when I was playing things like Paper Mario I was able to connect to my childhood, Brawl to melee, and so on.

Honestly, I am need to get my mom tp let me join Academic club. There I can go and be with people for one reason, without differences ruining my thoughts. Without me being an oddity making me feel horrid. And I feel, well, alive at those kinds of things. And because, honestly, despite what I say, when I am insulted, made fun of, or emotionally hit hard, I take it hard, and to prevent the pain I am easily swayed, changed and I go with the flow and conform a bit, or kill off feelings.

well, Anne, you are a great writer, and your stories seem to be for me.

God, so little to report.

Nothing, basically god damn nothing has happened. I am good with everyone, doing casual flirting with laura, adn could describe it, but I will spare you guys that. I am doing ogod with school, and have no issues or anything. Need to fix laziness is about it. I have everything goign well. So today is a dull day. And I was sick previous two days. So yeh, nothing.

Continueing previous post.

Okay, I suppose since I spent three minutes to recount something that has yet to come out of my mind today, I should make a post about my Date, so hopefully it will leave my head, and give me some moments of quiet. Doubt it will, but it will help.

Let me see, we got to the theater early, and decided to see eagle eye, since it was a shitty, near empty, long movie. Yeh, we had the thing planned mainly for making out. WE are like horny bastards or what not.

Well, we start out watching the stupid previews, making ufn of it, laughing and what not, share a few simple pecks, and a few make-outs. Simple fun.

Then we see two people in the row in front of us, and almost innatly I knew it was Scotty on a date with his new girl, and his face was priceless when he realized we where there. Fun, but we gave him peace and moved to the edge of the theater. Top row.

So we sit, and start making out, and honestly I can't remember anything in detail, save for a few things and moments.

I remember just holding her, staying like that for a little bit. I remember he softly kissing and nibbling my neck when I had kissed hers. I remember kissing hte oppisite side of her neck, and feeling and hearing her ragged breathing. I remember feeling her breast, and taking one(or a few) small peeks at it. I remember kissing her with no toungue, our mouths just fighting as we quickly kissed. I remember when we went and start becoming ferocious and ravenous in our making-out, me sucking her tongue and breathe, her exploring my mouth. I remember us kissing all along each other. I remember our calm serene making out. Our hands always on the move, touching and feeling everywhere. Then, my favorite, when we between us forgot about everything but each other, we where kissing long, hard, fast, slow, easy, we pulled each other in, and we never wanted to let go, we where pushing up against each other, pulling back for small breathes, and kissing again, as her chest and mine pushed against each other and i pulled her in along her waist, my hand sketching random figure on her warm back underneath her shirt, her pulling me by my neck, it was endless and amazing. I also recall the many times kissing and nibbling her neck, and nibbling nad pulling on her bottom lip. I remember thinking to much, wonder why it all was so amazing, and how the feelings made no sense, then losing thought as I just made-out with her ravenously and our hands, mouths, everything where flyig about and we where lost in romance and lust, only to gain and lose thought again. I see her wanting my kisses, and trying for them all the time. I loved it all. I remember our warmth being shared, and at the beginning the taste of ice cream in her mouth. I remember all the compliments and words shared, as we hten went back to kissing. And holding her hand the whole time, every moment I could, both of them.

And I remember her first "I love you" I hear it being played in my head, the sound falling off of my lips. I picture when we pulled away slightly, and in a scarce whisper, one that no one else was supposed to hear, not sure if I was even supposed to hear it, but we pulled away, she slightly looked at me, and quietly just said "I love you" in a voice that seemed so true, and sure, and I think it was meant to truly be love, and not like. Then we kissed again, and pulled away and I said the same to her, and we got lost in kissing again.

Then we left the movies, and held hands as we went to get cheesecake, exchanging many simple kisses. And then she had to leave, and we had two hugs, where she held me and hugged hard, and i did the same, and we exchanged two kisses. And through it all I could tell neither of us wanted to end the day, if we could we would love to go back to the movies, and sit there for hours.

God, it was all amazing.

I hope we can go and do something like this again saturday or around then.

And for today, today was calm and easy. WEnt to the Orthodontist, and got Neku colors for braces. That is about it.

So out of it.

Can't think of much to add. Have a few random thoughts, but nothing of importance. School is out for the week .And getting into brawl again. So I am off to play it.

Not much.

Well, calm calm. Today I have been feeling rather Perverse, with out realizing it, Romantic-perversion and regular perversion have been much higher today than usual. Need to bring logic back into place.Lust hopefully will be gone or dimished tomorrow.

Well, yeh...more about romance basically XD

I noticed something, well, decided to comment on something. I realized a while ago I have a strange skill to capture something in my mind, you know, those situations where time seems to slow, or it is a picturesque moment. I can see a moment relativly clearly in my head, and remember many details, to an almost distubing way. I remember when I did that with Eli and Morgan, I mean I could see past the outside situation, I can see how they felt, underline ideas, everything. I could tell their feelings, and absense of thought, I could see Romance and Lust mixing, clashing, and singing as they danced and fought. I could tell that if they had been alone, or it was somewhere else or at another time, she would have put her arms around his neck, pulled in, and deepen, lengthn and intensify the kiss. Sure it may just be how it would be in a movie, but I could see where the idea starts, and how much was in the kiss.

Then I had it happen today, no more than, say thirty to fourty minutes ago, with Laura. I wanted a kiss but doubted getting one, so I took a few things of hers, and led her to this Niche between the stairs near the lunch room, where we have kissed and hugged multiple, mainly from bribes, and will probably hold a few memories of its own. But I haggled with her and she agreed to a hug, two kisses, and a kiss on the cheek. So she stepped foward and I felt her close to me, not rubbing all over close, but about say three inches, her hands rested on my shoulders as mine rested on the sides of her stomach, and she leaned to the right (my right) and leaned quickly in and gave me two small pecks, and then for the cheek rested her head over my shoulder, her cheek against mine, not really a kiss, but a big hug with out the arms all around. And I had my eyes open for only a tiny bit, or if I am going insane not at all, and I felt my hands on her waist, I saw a deep want (and not just paying off a bribe) that was romantic yet lustual, that would have been like the first kisses in those sex scenes, except this one if we where alone it would have ended up with us just making out, nad holding each other close. I saw only her head, I felt her want, I could tell that even though she refused to do 3 kisses, and acted as if she didn't want it, that if the time and place where different she would not have anything else. Then her "kiss" on the cheek, I could feel that she would have just stood there in my arms for ages, and through it all I could feel a want, a caring, some lust, adoration, so much. All beautiful, the story it all told was beautiful and fluid, all natural and simple.

Then, I realized why it seemed familiar, there where a few other moments like it. I remember that the almost exact thing happened in our first (well, actually, second, but first non-dare) kiss in teh woods last year, my hands where on her waist, her hands on my shoulders, I had the feeling, i felt a connection (yes, I know, illogical, but are hormones and emotions that logical?) and was over taken by the intense amount of difference I felt in that small half a second kiss compared to any with Jess. And then when I really started flirting with Laura, and she hugged me before I left to the bus, and I pulled her tighter and longer, I felt her hug back, and even though she did her cute little laugh, and gave me a look asking what that was, I know she liked it. And then last week when I convinced her to give me a Real Hug and Kiss, I felt the same affection, yes affection, great word, in that. And honestly through it all I feel that me and her, as much as I doubt, could be in love already with out either of us accepting, believing, or knowing it.

Those are the kisses I like, the ones that I live for, and made it so that I find kissing more appealing than other sexual acts. The ones that make it seem as if to just us there is no one else in the world, just us, not the ritualistic ones, or the small quick ones to have a brief spurt of emotion.

And god, she is changing me so much, not for the worse, but it is strange, and it makes me laugh. I always wrote about big events, usually romances, opening up characters and changing them, allowingthem to feel and think more clearly. And that is what happened with me, I can feel and think in a more romantic sense. I lost lust, and I just see a stranger beauty in life. And am having those picture like moments so much more often. And I am feeling overall kind and losing my horrible person like qualities and turning more kind. And people in my stories and thoughts, those I make up, they are becoming more realistic, and then faces are more prominent and visible in my mind. Mainly Laura's.

I can easily picture her, he brown hair let down, laying gently below her shoulders as small ripples make it seem a bit curled, never fully straight, and her beautiful brown eyes, small pink lips, her simple small nose, and then I can easily see her laughing. When she scrunches up her face a bit, her eyes squint as her mouth pulls back and she laughs, and he head shakes a tiny bit. It is hilarious and cute. And I can see her amazing body, where it is not Lindsey Lohan skinny, or anorexic skinny, but a natural skinny, with an amazing ass and her breasts aren't "AH, ATTACK OF THE GIANTS!" huge or,"Hold on, need a microscope" small, they are just a perfect size, and yes that is a bit (well actually quite a lot) perverse to comment on her ass and Breasts like that, but I still have hormones and bits of lust, and I am head over heels for her. So shuddup.

P.A.-

Laura S.- My new subject is the only one I get any interaction with nowadays. Haha. Not much I can report, but when we where both checking grades she asked me a useless question, even though I suspect she already knew, and gave me a quick glance and smile, so I believe my suspicions about her wanting to reconnect with me might prove to be true.

Nick- Holy damn, he is changing. Today, at miniscule things he was smiling, and laughing, flirting minutely with Taryn, and making small comments, which for him where like thirty minute conversations. Big breakthrough. Showing evident joy and happiness.

You know the drill...

Damnit, deleted again, have to retype, again.

I wonder, do people change a ton in relationships because of the relationship, or do I just instill something in them? I mean, I wrote in Laura’s agenda today, “Laura loves Brandon, wants in his pants, etc.” and she did not deny it all. And she has called me Sexy. She thinks I am attractive. She adores kissing me, and likes making out, and told me she wants to go as far as hands under clothes. She also said she would want to wrestle. I don’t know if all this is true but I will assume it is since she has no reason to lie to me. And this whole this is strange since she was barely willing to do kissing a few weeks ago. Now I have no doubt that if we were alone she would happily spend thirty minutes holding my hand resting her head on my shoulder, and doing nothing else whatsoever. She would happily make out with me, kiss me, and such stuff like that. And half of the things she says she would do she detested no more than a month-and-a-half ago. Now she seems to have a romantic-perversion, not that I am complaining, it is a welcomed thing. And honestly, now, I really don't doubt that by this time next year, if not earlier, we could be in love, and not just deep infatuation. I hope for this, even if I slightly fear this, and sometimes wonder whether or not I don't love her already. Probably not, it is not realistic. But I am falling more and more for her.

Jess had the same thing happen, everything she said would take me like five years to get to, I got in about two months. She grew attached and perverse. Now was it because of me, or because of being in a romance? Or just because she liked the feelings it gave? Maybe i will ask one. Probably not. But hmm, would Jess do the stuff she did with me with another guy in the same amount of time, or would it take longer?

And Laura has let Lust to add itself to Emotions and Logics epic battle. Now because of how far she said she would go Lust keeps whispering to take advantage of it, that we are still going slow, she is the one setting the pace, and that it still works with my current thoughts and is out of purely romantic want. Logic luckily interupts telling me that it is not pure romantic want, that I need to keep it slow, and that I should wait. Although I will probably do a bit of both, and If we are alone and it seems like she is willing slowly approach it, probably during a make-out (which i can keep as a romantic urge, not a sexual one)and see how she acts, and if she seems fine and says so, to just slowly do it, let her grow use to it. And try it, not instantly shove my hand up her shirt to grab her breast or what not. And if she isn't ready or isn't able to keep willing to it and falls short on what she says (which happens quite often) then abort. Or if my body trys to become to lustual abort it.

And let me see, I really need to do more than talk about her, god, hopefully this whole over-excited period dulls down so she doesen't invade all my thoughts all the time, so I don't yearn for her kiss all the time,don't wish to be alone with her every moment I can. Hopefully I can keep the giddy satisfaction while dulling the clingy urge to always talk, which is happening I believe, since I managed to go the morning without caring to much she was not there. I wonder how much of these kinds of thougths she shares though, heh, I wonder how much she thinks of me and such, maybe one day I will ask. I might, since these kinds of things we are open about.

And no school on friday. Hopefully I can have a sleepover with Scott this week, seems like no. Sadly. And maybe some day I can go to the greene with friends, or at least hang out with Laura sometime this week.

And should do homework, I will make sure I get it done soon, so that I can keep grades up and hang out with Laura more. And other friends. Heh, Lady luck, you have been pretty nice recently, help me out this week? Give me some luck, give me those good equations, give me some time with Laura, scott, you know, that stuff, I mean honestly, you do sorta owe me, the whole time with Wakely and such, you seriously do owe me from that whole shitfest.

P.A.-

Laura Sooy- A new common customer, yup yup. I caught her glancing at me, and she smiled in my direction (although it could have been at teachers and Blake since they where that way) but then caught my eye, held a smile, as did I, for a few moments, then quickly glanced diagnolly averting her gaze, semi embaressed, I do think she would rekindle our friendship. Her dad does say she speaks highly of me, and if she did, we could hang out a bit since we live next door. And I would not mind having another friend I could trust...


E/M- God, these two are quite close. They know how each other thinks, and when I saw them Kiss this morning, in an lmost movie like fashion time seemed to slow and they seemed to be the only ones there, and I could have easily seen Morgan wrap her arms around his neck, and them both kiss more passionatly. They are natural and fluid together. I hope my relationship will be like theirs. Natural, serene, peaceful, interesting.

Well, that is really all I got, pretty much, so yeh... if anyone wants to comment, feel free to, It lets me see something someone thinks, and lets me know somehow someone reads this...since...well...the fucking view counter counts no one....Gaia will be shanked one day...

Nothing much.

Well, trying to get bck into gaming and books, going semi well...

Bored....

Have a nagging feeling that laura is mad at me, but bet it is Maria issues hitting her...

Nothing else really. Fail journal is fail...

Titles take to much work.

Well, Laura is back, we are still close, spend half a period papaer-talking, in 1337, and hugged, adn kissed before I went to the bus, and all is good. And since all of you (well the ones I imagine) love my P.A. segment and always want more here it is, for I have a speecial Guest!

P.A.-

The Chipmunk! HORRID ASSASSIN!- Oh yeh, I spent four minutes or so watching a chipmunk. He pushed a nut into a hole, knocked it out, got it, and then ran back up the wall, pushing it out again. Or maybe he tried pulling it in and messed up. I guess I will never know.

Laura Sooy- It was quite humerous, Blake offered to take her to the library, and when he asked her to come, she said no, then when my name was mentioned she became confused nad looked towards me, seeming to want to come, and not. Could she want to try and regain old bonds? Or have a nostalgic want?

Nick- Officially dating Taryn, I think, who knows. Still improving.

Everyone else- MEH!

Peace, harmony, and kind of boreded from it.

Yup yup yup. Peace in the world, all is well. And it is kind of boring, XD, but I plan on getting myself back into a reading and video game persona like I use to do. I will return to the good parts of my past, while embracing the good changes I have made.

And Maria's friendship will soon be destroyed by Clint and Laura. I shall be her friend since it will be more of a hassle to end it. And she does few wrongs to me. Although I am going to speak to her when I get free time, she told Blake last week that me and Laura where going to have sex, and you don't make those jokes, ever.


Me and Laura are doing great, we have been talking a lot, adn are growing closer, I can't verify it, but I have a feeling we are. And I kind of find it funny, I can't see the future or think far with it, at all. I guess I just find life to unpredictable and don't want to bother thinking a year ahead for something that I can't really do anythng about until the week of.

And me and my little voice are in agreement, that with Laura, slow and steady will win the race and keep us together. And that I need to be moderate with her, I should not go after make outs all the time, and should not care how much of anything I get. Give her space, and keep idiocy adn obsessiveness out of it, even if she drives logic way out of my mind. But I know how we both work, I can make this work. Although at times I am going to need to make sure we both have spines, and do differently than what she says, and look at how she acts.

Hmm, what else, she is coming back to school tommorow, we may hang out again on friday. Which is fun, and I cna handle doing, since we actually hang out, talk, and such and out of like, six hours, we only spent thirty minutes at most making out, so, a tenth of it? And when we weren't(even though I alluded to it a lot) I was fine with not making out. Or anything like that. Which is more than ever happened with Jess. I enjoy just talking to her. Haha, god, she controls my mind way to much, this is basically shrines to her, or worries. I guess it makes sense, romance is the central idea and working of every story, and what is life but a story and a game?

Can't wait until tommorow, I want to work more on the Shiro Vs. Suki battle on word, it is going well in my head.

P.A.

Nick- He seems more joyous, and just more, happy, it is not noticable, but he just holds himself in greater position and is tlaking and making "jokes" in his own way, mainly with Taryn.

Everyone else- hey, you can't expect this to be common, I barely see these guys. So blah! Will add when I get more info.

Log crap, blah blah blah. You know the Sit'.

Hahaha, you will have to sub for the week days.

Well, mother ban-hammered Gaia for weekdays. Will have to sub with you. Then post each days on Friday.

LEt me see. Not much to report.

I am awake, happy, and perfectly content. Head over heels for Laura, in an almost unhealthy way, couldn't get her out of head earlier. Oh well. I guess I don't mind, she is quite amazing. And I never saw rules against thinking of your Girlfriend.

I am seeing and thinking with an amazing clarity, I love it. I am working and keeping homework caugth up, sorta.

P.A.

Nick- he is getting livelier. Talking to Taryn more. Not much to add.

E/M- not much to add.

J/S- not much to add.



Well, very short entry. Hmm. I noticed how little talking I do when Laura is not around, I relly only converse with her, micheal, and Taryn in the halls. Oh well. I can handle her being gone only another day, not to hard really.

Lust still kinda gone. Have a few perverse ideas, and when hormones surge can think a tiny perversely, but over all, the ideas of romantic events, sap crap, and simply kissing Laura are more of turn ons.

Not overthinking things today. PRetty calm. Hmm, not much else to report. Arrividerci.

How wierd, how wierd, just a compilation of mroe random thoughts. Less detail now.

I have decided instead of long rants to organize it into sections and such.

Loss of anger-

Hmm, strange strange. I have basically lost my hate. Or honestly as I think, more feelings died in me. Last year a good chunk died and I felt less, and it happened again, I now don't care enough to bother retaining anger or anything towards a person, something that would leave me with anger and a grudge, now at most leaves me in a musing state, thinking about it and thinking with a mroe clear head. I can still be mean though, but I am harder to anger, or not angering well. But on a big downside I feel more sad now a days, well not really, truthfully, now something that will let me down or usually hurt me, almost 100% percent barely affects me now, whereas it still usually left some mark on me. Now, I just don't care, I have basically accepted half the crap the will hit me, and expect the oppisite of what I want to happen to happen. Insults barely affected me before, and leave even less of a mark.

Oh and another positive/negative (depends on your view of it) Is I am worrying less, second guessing myself less, going more and more by my

Romance stuff-

Well, I think my relationship with Jess is good, we are at a near emotional and physical standstill, which will either go by one of two things, either her ending up dumping me, or me her etc. Or if like before we will be like this for a while then suddenly lose a bunch of inhabitations and leap foward, sorta like a growth spurt. Neither seem likely, since I more than likely won't dump her, I don't have it, I don't want to fully, and I like having a relationship and know that I more than likely couldn't find a good stable lasting one. I mean Laura if I asked her out may date me because she couldn't say no due to not wanting to hurt me, or even out of small feelings, or getting nothing bad out of it. But in the end I know she would end it after a short bit, and never be able to handle going past kissing. And the other crush I have, which I bet will dwindle from telling myself it is a crush or thinking it is to a friendship and just a science like interest in her (whenever soemthing interesting comes along like a new student or someone with radical different views, this happens a lot). And even if she liked me and would date me, I would probably not do it, she is moving at the end of the year most likely. And either ways she is head over heels for someone in Maryland.

So honestly Laura and Jess are my only stable crushes. And honestly, that is what is the most annoying part. Stability is not something I work with, stability is dul and monotounous. Also, I wonder whether getting crushes on both of them is from real feeling, one being willign to do a lot sexually, or my need for choas?

Lack of being able to find myself, not knowing who I am, indecisiveness and internal battles-

Hmm, well as usual, I still don't know who I am, and eternally wish to do away with emotions and such.

But now a days I really do realize how much a lie I live, all because I can;t tel where I stand and at different times in different situations I stand at different sides of the same ideal, or my view on it is changing between "yes" or "no" with it.

With my feelings toward people, they change rapidly. With Dating sometimes I think I shoudln't be doing it, and that at my age it will mroe than likely end, and be wasted time and money, othertimes I think as long as I enjoyed it it will be fun. I sometime want the future, I want change, other times I year for the past, not wnating change. Sometime I want complexity, confusion, other times I want smplicity. I am in an eternal internal Yin-yang battle.

And because I have nothing that I believe set in stone, and half of what I preach is basically just ideals that sound good, and half the time I feel exactly oppisite. Heh. I wish I could do away with this indecisiveness caused by wishing to find myself, or be in the middle. I wish, I wish that like I try to preach I could be everything I usually say I am, or be someone else, or just be a living robot, with nothing but logick to back me up. But realistically, It won't happen. Murphy wins again, damn you murphy, damn you and your stupid law, and damn my loss of hate preventing me from feeling rage at your law like I use to, now I can only raise a fist in mock protest.

Tsk tsk tsk, so little do my parents understand how to work me.

Okay, grades are slipping again, probably from laziness and parents just being asses the whole frickin time. I mean seriously, they wonder why I lie to them, it should be obvious, if they disaprove of something I do they yell at me and tell me to change, I get no say. Take me being an atheist for example, when my mom saw that on facebook she yelled at me, told me I was wrong, that I had to be a catholic, I had to believe in something unlikely, and that the world didn't just appear (yes, I managed to resist saying that is what the bible said), and now whenever we talk about religion, or the big bang, she brings up that she "Doesen't want to hear my atheist crap" with a voice of disdain when it doesen't even have anything to do with it. I mean we where talking about the Large Hadron Collider, and I was musing over all of the new discoveries it could create, and how much about our solar system we could find out if the big bang was proven, her response, "Yeh, well while you are there with your atheist stuff, just think of this, what caused the big bang?" Seriously, what the fucking hell, I don't give a damn about the religious crap, I don't believe, yet you do that all the time, thanks for making me feel good mom.

And they wonder why my grades suck, they say they can't trust me because I le about this stuff, I can't trust them because anything like that they insult. What, I can't have beliefs, and you expect me to be kind wonderous and tell you the truth? Psh. I mean seriously let us go look at when this started. And from the eye of a psychologist.

4th grade, I first start messing up on my weak point social studies, what do they do? They yell at me, tell me to brign my grade up or I will be kicked out of step, etc. Not so smart. See from that I obviously would have felt bad, especialy since then I actually didn't want bad grades, but I couldn't get my grade up, what do you do, not offer help or encouragement, but yell and threaten.

6-7. I start off well, but by the end of sixth I obviously am losing control, apathy and hormones create an ungodly bad hook into my life, more yelling. Seventh grade is primarly threats, nothing is good enough, I do good in one test after a few bad, and am ecstatic, they respond "You could have gotten a 97 instead of 91 if you studied harder""Now work on your other grade" or some other put down, and that completly makes me hate it all, and just start giving up. At the end of seventh grade I start writing.

8th: No time wasted, threats before it starts, rebelioness starts, anger and rage dominant. no encouragement. Anything I think I can't speak to them, my friends or anyone else about. This, my gaia journal, and my head become my only safe zone, chosen due to lack of audience. I simply begin trying to fail, taking a Beat way of life, trying to lower expectations to make those the expectations.

9th start: I start off wanting to do better, they ruin it and make me feel worthless from the start, want to know what is wrong and I can't tell them any of this. Hope in humanity down to 53 out of 100. Had a few mishaps in writing last year and barely write anymore. inferiority continues, becoming more of an ass every day, trying to get hurt and ruin things. Made a new friend. Still unable to truly speak to others about these without you. only given this link to about 5 people. Barely able to handle my best friends, primarily my fault. Taken a greater interest in genetic and physic sciences, psychology interest dwindling from friend issues. Realized I use to find meaning by being talked to and trusted, and being a psychologist made me feel needed when I rarely do. No longer trusted by anyone and told secrets except by group gossips, feel unneeded moreso after words, losing touch with all. Relationship with my girlfriend seems strained, relationship with laura more romantic/sexual tension due to my innate trying to sabatoge.

overall mood: Strangly, content. Thriving upon this choas.

My "friends" are becoming horribly annoying.

Okay so most of yesterday i was with friends; and i just could not stop thinking about how annoying they are getting. They are all horrible people now a days, hypocrits, liers, theifs, putrid annoyances that can't see past tehir own little world that we all go to for hiding. I have some of those issues, but never as badly as all of them, i mean they complain about being hit when they do it all the time, they complain about thefts when they do it all the time, they complain about some one going emo when they do it all the time, they complain about some one snappinga t them when they do it all the time, they complain about clingyness, hugs, kissing, talking to some one even once when they want to, interuppting( even if they where not talking at all but wishing to), when they do it all of the time. I swear, at least i don't do that, i don't complain about being stlen from seeing as how i have done it many times, i complain when i am stolen from adn i have never done it to them. I just try not to be hypocritical, but all of them are, and it agrivates me. Also they brag and talk big, but when it gets down to it they refuse to do something; at least i deal with it, take care of it, and if i fail at it or can't do it i openly take blame instead of using excuses.
Also parents adn teachers are bugging me completly, also stupid ideals of society. I for one am a supporter of next to everything (incest,pedophilism, homosexuality, etc.,etc.) as long as both partys are willing. But why is it we instintly dub people as "dangerous" for certain things? I mean i was online and a pedophile was pleading his case and talked about how he had fantasies of children but would never do anything to one, and everyone dubbed him "dangerous" despite teh fact that he was obviously calm and in controll, and by how they where saying it any one who had fantasies about another person must obviously be a rapist or a pedophile rapist. Also the whole "appropriateness" and "bad language" rants that are going around are annoying. I mean i don't understand why sagging is "wrong" i mena if they want to do it, let them! I mean we can go and say "GOD DAMN YOU SON OF A FUCKING ASS HOLE BITCH!!!" with no reprecussions on the streets, but in certain area's if you sag you get fined. I mean we have mroe issue with that than the death penalty.
But so much is wrong with this world and it is affecting me horribly. I mean i usually have theses insightful, emo-ish, periods like this where i tend to make good writing -sometimes- once in a while, like maybe once a month, but they are becoming more and mroe frequent and more and more hateful. But i like it strangly. Hopefully somehthing will change, and i will get over this, or this batch of feelings will stay permanant. And all of my friends i hate oh so much will be just specs of my past like everyone else i ever cared about. Hopefully.

Strange, oh so very strange.

Man i am sick of life as i know it; except not from gloomy despair, but apathy and boredom. Why can't life be mroe interesting? I am just booooooooorrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddddd, maybe since i am doing well; the lack of choas is a lack of entertainment. Bah, i am to lazy to type any mroe; i really need to be doing my work, oh well, meh, buh bye cruel world, i am off to work....not. But yaya for me, i think distancing is working, seeing as how i barely feel for my friends now, they are all just people almost to me, i guess. Maybe my solitude will end and i will feel different. Oh well i am into photography by the way now. And i really must leave. so bye.

It is back, why can't it just stay away?

My self hatred, my inferiority, my self sabotage, my dark solemness, it is back, my demon of many traits is returning. Maybe that is because it is night, but oh i so love the night.It is when i am at the peak of my abilitys, i am calmed, i think so clearly, i can see my own feeling much better. I realize how much i love being alone, i hate how i have to deal with friends, i just wish i could have my night emotions at all times, because I think at night, and i relize that none of my friends do anything but lead to pain. It is retarded that i stay with them, Because every time it comes down to it, when we walk to go somewhere, i am always behind adn alone, in the halls, anywhere, they are in groups of two and three joking around, i am way back behind them all, alone. And the thing is, i am glad. I love the solidtude, it allows me to think oh so clearly. However, maybe that is why i hate the solitude, i don't want to think like this, i want to be with them, i want to be needed.
Not that it matters, i barely care for any of them. Jessica, I may be going out with her partially due to lust, partially due to the fact she is willing, and maybe because i like her more than other people i know. Yeh right, who am i kidding i probaly don't, the closest to having any real feelings towards any of them are probaly towards laura, i mean i just don't get angered by her or anything, but maybe that is because in the end, i know she sees the truer me, and that i realize, is the one thing in the world i try to hide.
After all of this though, i become scared, because I am scared i feel like that, i almost start to fear death, but i still want to leave behind this world, after all it is not like i feel anymore. Or anything goes right.
Ya know, i want to meet whoever came up with murphy's law, and smack him, just because he had to make something that so accuratly summed up my god damned fucking life. Yeh, nothing in my life is really any good to me. Clint, pshaw, he is the reason i feel so inferior and useless to everyone, hell they all care about him and express it, me, no one needs me or cares if i where to die. Laura, who gives, even if i do like her, it won't matter because i know she would never reciprocate my feelings. Maria, hell no, she could be something good, except she is a horrible hypocrit who whenever she tried to make me feel better would just get yelled at by me because she pushed it to much and brought back these feelings when they where gone, now she has grown to resent me for it, good, another person to hate me. Jessica, who knows, not like we will get anywhere or really go that far, i would dump her but i have no reason to hurt her, i will just wait untill she gets a brain and dumps me.
Also, i have another good ol' thing i was utterly sure about but still hate due to my nature to second guess and regret everything i do. That wonderful thing is aethiesm, since i can't go a damned day without being made fun of or bothered because of it. Woo boy.
Although i might feel better if i had someone i truly trusted, if i could actually open up to other people, instead of talking to you while nearly in tears from being alive and being so close to going and getting pills to kil myself with, all while hoping someone may read this, and something will change and life will be good. Except it won't, it never does, this is not some book, i stoppped reading because i stopped wanting a fantasy to escape reality with. It won't happen, why put my hopes up just to have them destroyed. I mean that is why i have my ego and hopes, i love to build them up when i know something will go wrong, and i know it is going to crumble down to lead me to feeling this wonderful melancholy again, i love trapping myself in this vicious cycle. And the beuatiful thing is, no one will save me, this i know, and i am glad. I don't need anyone, and they don't need me. It is simple as that.
Let everything i have ever planned go awry, let friends start to hate me, let my life turn to crap, let everyone mutiny against me in all that i try to lead(even if i hate being the head of anything, quite stupid.) let my life crumble. It just leads me closer until one day i feel so stupid that i kill myself and rid myself of this futile stipid life.
I am glad to be feeling with next to no feelings. I take everything to heart and get hurt so easily, however i don't show the inferiority complex i spawn from it, however it shows in my dwindle of interests; everyone says my handwriting sucks, i agree and try to act egotisical over something and i try to write with pens and pencil as little as possible; I become an alt at the writing competion, i barely write due to that, even though i know, i believe, i am a good writer; I think i do good and understand something in school, i fail horribly in sixth grade academics for my standards, i stop trying while still trying ot act egotisical; But who cares, surely none of the zero people reading this. Oh well, no one cares, not even I so i guess i shall sleep now, wooh fricken who, maybe if i am luckey i will pass away tonight, or keep my apathy towards life throught tommorow instead of letting hormones, lack of sleep, anger and other things infect me to become energetic and to have sunlight emotions.

Random rant, yeh i am bored.

Wow, it is so strange, how i am changing i mean. I have a girlfriend, jessica, which since there are probaly only about two ghost readers out there probaly already know that. I am actually acting more mature daily than immature, now i know i am mature naturally, but i let my immature fake side take over all the time because it is so much more fun than matureness. I really find it strange, I also have stopped inhaling candy and now am trying to barely eat it, meh who cares though. I just am changing, yet i can't tell why. It is not annoying me though,l as it normally would should i change like this, i am just, acepting it. Oh well, i shall end this now, since i must go and leave for lunch, which now that i remembered, iw ill add that I can now access my blog at school, huzzah for the new era of blog spamming and hatred towards all!

Just another dismal rant.

Lemme see, so today is my birthday.Not that i care much, it is just really another day. But the day progressed as normal, until we were leaving to go home that is. Whitney admitted to clint that she would go out with him or taylor, and she told me she would never go out with me, unless and i quote "i may be like super depressed sometime and settle for you." not that i honestly care.

Or do i? I keep saying my crush i (have/had) on whitney died, but is it. I can't tell, one of the many reasons i hate hormones and feelings, stupid things that influence my decisions in all the stupid ways. But either way it all came down to the simple, most common reason why i hate life.

I am always least liked, even if others don't know it.

Since i grew older it was always like that, people barely knew me, and they hated me, barely knew the other guy, loved him. It has always happened, even with teachers. It is so annoying. And what chance would i stand of being better liked when i hang out with people like clint and scott and taylor. Hell people rather go homo than like me more than others i bet. I mean it never matters the situation, but that is how it is, it can be ten people who love anime, one who dislikes it, and the one who dislikes it is more liked and listened to than i. I am so god damned sick of it.

I realize that everything i say here is because of what i belive to be my immense self doubt and inferiority complex. I mean it would make sense, since i regret everything i do almost, and the fact i belive i am so much worse than all.

All this has gotten me thinking, and explained one thing to me, i now know why i wish i could go back to the past so much, when i was best friends with like Raj, Laura Sooy, and my cousin. It is because then i was niave, and i was -amazingly- liked the most, but my life has gone downhill, and who gives a damn anymore, osmetimes i wish i could just dissapear.

i mean it is not like i have anything i truly care for, or i truly hold dear to me. I am not close enough to mu friends to have incredible feelings towards them, since i always try to keep a distance away from them emotionally. And i feel so little towards objects it doesen't matter that much. So i really do just wish i could dissapear, even if jsut for a while, or to truly liked.