God Alex is so great. I'm tearing up from happiness. I don't know, so few ever do anything like that for me. And when I've been Particularly depressive it means so much more. God I love her so much.

Nononono why am I falling for her nononono why why am I that dumb. She isn't even in this country. I hate long distance...

Why am I still wanting Emily's advice...

Why am I so stupid...

I hate this.
And god dammit, no, don't offer phone back...nononono. If I have it back I can fall to old issues...and have no excuse to ignore people. Nononono...

God no....

What is wrong with me?

Annnd still fucking up.

Still cant stop saying stupid shit.

Still cant fucking be motivated, such a lazy fucker...

Oh and even when I study adn fucking know shit, I am still failing everything in physics.

Why cant i get it...why am I choking so so badly...

Why do I hurt my friends...

God dammit. I am useless.

Keep fucking up my grades, my future, hurting the damn half a dozen I actually give a shit about...

Cant get the thing I should be good at. I am fucking struggling in math and physics.

And am ruining my future.

What is wrong with me...

It's a bit odd, I feel like so many dynamics are changing, I'm just being so cool hardy and stubborn.

But I've been thinking of Em a bit recently, ever since her party (which went off great and god, I forgot how much I love making her smile, it's a great feeling making your best friend smile...or old one) when me and her talked. It was just so...serenely great, me and her had a nice decently long talk, mostly us two with Tay listening of "remember the time I did that?" "oh god yeah, remember when I did this?" and laughs. Like old times, simple, just good friends again. I miss that, a lot. Nothing changes how great that was, how it made me remember the good stuff I forced myself to forget, not even the romantic things, just all the jokes and laughs we've had over the years...

I guess no matter how I try, while I'm still here she will always mean something, be someone I want to reconcile with, someone I trust. And I'm not sure if that is as bad as I thought ya know, I mean it's not me vainly hoping for romance, god that is past. And I love her and Tay together, they are really great, hilariously fun too. But is it bad to still want to be friends with the one person I ever truly trusted?

I mean, I dunno, with her...god how hilariously weird is our story? She was scared by me, eventually we somehow became friends, then best, she had a funny crush on me, eventually I shared it, and we became everything...then nothing again.

And it's odd....even if I did everything wrong and in my mind have a dozen things I want to do over , it's the only relationship I really take serious of my three, and don't call an idiotic child's thought, something ignorant and unknown

And I guess this is just repeating the same tale I always tell, and Alex and random ghost reader , if even those two, are sick of me telling this one.

But I guess I'm always gonna be sorry. And ya know, I really do wanna just restart, and go again and have my friend back.

Stupid deluded wish, especially with how little I try to make it better. Then again I guess a party I planned is more than little... But oh we'll.

Cause in the end, I really need to restart everything. I'm stuck with the past, but everything, everyone, has changed. I mean look at me giving a damn, look at Laura being so full of emotions , look at everything. I gotta grow up and accept change.

And accept I'm not as close as I wish I was to some anymore. And most may just be out of reach, and stop letting past haunt me.

And I need to really accept Laura aint the person I want her to be and deluded myself into thinking she was, she ain't the one or the perfect comparison, and she ain't the model to compare to. It's a sitcom want of mine, and I gotta drop it. Face it, Emily was the best I ever had. And in the end you can't tell who will matter.

And I gotta move on. (repeat of same old story) , I don't know. I guess I still desperately need someone I could fall for.

I just gotta forget the concept of "the one"

God I've watched to much how I met your mother.

And I know you don't read, but sorry again.

And to all bothering to read, sorry bout rambley mess.


Oh and there was depression and grounding I shoulda talked bout, oh well

How silly of me. When will I learn this hope is pointless. Nothing ever realty changes. Especially when I don't even try to change it.

Im so pathetic.

I hope this sickness ends.

I hope I get outta here soon.

This town is offering me less and less as the days go by. Im caring less and less. Wanting less and less.


A scenery change would be grand.

So very grand