Don't you love how you push everyone away. All this does is make you miss what you had. With Emily. With Alex. With others...

Might as well push forward for the sunrise

Shit. That was amazing. I turn head and see a meteor/shooting star....bloody amazing. So gorgeous. And people wonder why I come out here. Fuck Taylor trying to stop me on this. Never gonna happen

why can i never give up on the past

Here you are. Still wishing you could go back to being close to Maggie. That died so long ago...just let it die

wait whut?

Why today of all days, where every bit of the past, every second chance, every old little thing being there...did I not want it? Why did the past become so utterly pointless to try and fight for in my eyes?

Who am I kidding. I know half the reason is everything changed. I liked past because of who we use to be...but everyone changed. So have our relationships. And me. Definitely me. I mean...I am on low terms with most of the Circle or on no terms. I just feel alien and awkward there, its lost spark for me it once held...which is hilarious. Cause I started that place. Sorta. Funny shit.

But today...I started wanting to grasp the present, not worry about the unknown and future and past. I hope I stay like this...

Though I hope I can settle back into the circle...if it even lasts.

Wow. Still got pessimism going.

But I don't know ...it has much merit. Especially as a place of all our friendships, with so many shattered bonds ...

And I have replaced it with bitchifiers in so many ways...but dammit. How horrible am I...I will commit to the place I made so many memories and vows...I should at least...

No. Actually. I wont let imaginary restraints hold it. But I will full well try, try if only for the present and because I can. I will do what I want and try if I please because I please. And try to reinvigorate with new life like Laura...

But her and Tay...so odd being there. They are not the circle... I guess past still tugs on me. But old beliefs are useless.

And I still have bitchifiers...

Even if I am the least of all of them and not as close to anyone there as they are to each other....

But what else is new?

And my eyes are bleeding, too much use. Night blog nighty night. Your gonna get ignored again soon. One day till Dresden!

Oh fine. Im not over her. Dammit. My only thought was that it should be me with her. Wishful thinking eh?

Oh well.

Just gotta move on with it all. What's done is done.

Also. Captain America was great.

...wow. that's a realization. Now it is easy to understand Bren after him and Alex broke up...you have done everything he was doing before and put everyone into the position as before without trying...or even fully realizing it...wow. that hits hard.

here, somethin to read

Its odd... I kinda realized. Laura is changing so much, so many things she accepts that was against her principles, so many different everything in a short time, and I have wondered why it could be...then it hit me....what if I am the only one reinventing myself. I mean...it kinda fits.

And shit. Messed up again. Sorry Alex. ><

Hrm. Why can I not talk to others...actually why is it with the specific few people I would I lose rage quick...and other emotions... but when did my pride and vanity become so much I started worrying about strength, seeming tough, invinncible and I couldn't trust others?

Man. I think I have become worse than Benny Ben and Laura.

And I also still can't forgive myself for things... I know your right Alex, self hatred is useless...but why do I still tortture myself over old things...

Hmm. I can see some validity to what Emily said before "we are so close yet honestly I still don't get you and you never open up..." or something like that...

But why is it that I am like this. I mean....damn it is obvious people worry about you.. God damn. Aalex obviously is really worried about you that she has been waiting forever to get you to open up...

Hell. Why is it so hard?

Man. Odd.

I do so much theory but not fact...

I love many. I trust these people...but why wont I open up? And why don't I try to actively begin stuff? And why do I put everything off...

I need to work on that. I just take it all by stride but there is not time dammit. I could probably visit Alex sooner than later. And I need to stop dwaddling with driving. I need to call D&D and do school work and everything...

But im not in a rush. Or motivated...

I can't even get motivated for games...

I need my meds...but they are so scary...they change me...

Wow I meant to only stick with first sentence. Oops. But there. Blog. Happy Alex?

fuck this -_-

CAnt stop feeling sorry for myself. Realize Max can get a nationals invite for yugioh but i still cant even do decent at regionals, During the small time Sam is on and I was dying to talk to her my phone freaks out, then it seems even though Shawn can hang tomorrow, and even though Justin is gonna be at KEvins most of the time, and i always leave him alone i cant fucking hang with my best friend because i have to watch a kid who wont be here -_-, oh, and the Pokemon roleplay i am doing started without me because Justin wouldnt get off and they didnt tell me.

Fuck this.

One of those days.

And apparently Mark doesnt need me in work tomorrow, but that is just cause he is a bitch about my schedule. Probably just to get at my dad somehow -_-

Fuck this.

Oh and Harry Potter fans are on the as-bad-as-twilight rabidness. And I am growing more and more annoyed with it just from how annoying they are. And hating myself that i ever get like that.

Fucking hell I am in a bad mood.

And these grippo chips barely have any taste. Of course.

Fucking hell. All of it to hell.

"You always were in the present Dick, it was what made you beautiful , but with me you get stuck in the past..."

Kinda how I feel, this will be a bit rambly.

God, it is really odd. I really cant get over missing the past when it comes to Emily...Not romantically, that is for sure gone. But I guess i cant get over losing the friendship. So odd. I mean, I guess it makes sense, she was probably the person in life I opened up most to and got closest to. Only person i could tell i was crying, and first person i told about Ron to...

But it is wierd. Looking at Emily and Laura...So many differences. I almost miss how Laura was...No, I like how she has changed...but i just...actually i have no idea how to explain. It is odd, what she was, or how she seemed, something about her, some spark...so many things have changed...I guess what i viewed of the past and wanted is not aligning with who i got back.

And then, watching emily without being able to truly be involved...I love how much i have seen her change and grow in the years. She has become so amazing in many ways...She stands up for her self, and there is such confidence, poise, power, and all of that with her now. I can see how she is changing...and i miss that i couldnt share that with her, I miss the laughs that could have been, the jokes, hell, I miss the fights that we would laugh at later...God dammit shouldnt i give up on the past by now?

But man, I use to stick to present, but when they are involved I get stuck in the past...or missing the present, what could have been, all of that.

And dammit, figures the time I want to break past the shell and open up to talk to alex like i say i will, I refuse because i want to show some courtesy to emily.

Guess the past really does haunt me.

But you know what is funny, the thing that always sticks with me, and I hate that I never paid enough attention to with both of them when dating? The smile, god, they had beautiful smiles.

God, I just need to get over it all...But I cant. Wonder what is wrong with me there...

but despite the missing her, despite any sadness, despite anything i feel...I dont feel sadness.

How odd.

Why am I so hypercompetitive for attention and bases and for being placed high....

Maybe because I always had to try so hard for attention when I was with Clint and tay...and especially from how little I got compared to others when young. I know many got it worse...but I was odd out. No one withing 5 years on. Either family side....seeing all the others get attention...it is like when someone starts getting more attention I feel I have to compete....when Ben got more attention from laura I realize I started talking more to get his aattention for no reason...

So odd...

Why am I so self conscious I always need reassurances

scared of the emotions

...God. funny. Laura summed you up perfectly talking about herself. Ahahaha.

What the hell. So In my sleep deprived near drunk state something happened...

I realized I have replaced lost circle with bitchifiers.

I am actually having good plans to meet Alex and Zach and others.

And wierdly...I became a bit smitten with Alex's sister Sam. I mean. She is hot, hilarious, pretty, fun, and right around my age. Though it probably wont amount to anything.

...but Zach seems amused by our flirting. XD

But I had fun so much in chat...like. it was when circle talked for hours. Guess I am moving on and starting anew.

I didn't realize just how amazing it was till I realized whit was jealous and reminded....

But I feel bad. Knowing I was making whit upset. And realizing that circle probably wont come back...hey. funny. I start a lot. Circle...hell. I think I ripped name of that's 70s show. But that was me. And I kinda started bitchifiers.

But God. This is good. And even if it is nothing someone who will flirt with out any issue...and I can find or get flings. Distract from romance, solve lust.

Potentially find romance...

But God. The fact that it would be hellish is making it more attractive.


Haha. I gotta stop loving what's bad.

And sex cookies. Nuff said

Dammit. Having some pangs of want. Dammit. The sad thing is even through this all I feel there was something between me and Laura.

Time to suck up feelings and kill them.

Man. I hate wanting someone when I also hate the idea of dating at the moment. Makes sense, right? XD

Dunno what im doing.

But the night sky is amazing.

Man I am retaining anger about this hacking. Well. Not hacking since its my idiocy that gave the pass out. I mean...I know Jess, whit and Em did nothing to it but still. Its not even just SMS updates like I've done...they actually got on. And worse I know beyond doubt it was Emily. She knew pass cause I told her in trust...and I don't know if I should feel anger or relief...

I mean...she still hates me it sometimes seems...and I still have no fucking idea what I feel....and it was just harmless fun....but doing something like that to someone you have a bad relationship with.....usually you jokingly do that to people you have good relationships with...

Im not making any sense.

And im trying to rationalize this as a chance that maybe everything is lightening up...

Why can't I handle the death of a friendship...

And why can't I decide if I am angry or not?

Part of me laughs at it... part is really fucking pissed...

Ugh. Why can people affect me so much.

Hell. Part is the daughter you have traained your self to assume innocent is involved with the Tirol you are confused about.

God damn this is complex for no reason...

And I need to stop arguiniing with people I know. Or doing even stupid little jokes... irony. The hidden reason you felt upset when Emily called you out was how she said it. Asshat. The term you rarely see anyone else's use...that you have as your joking internet hero persona. Asshatter.

Hah. So funny there

Lets see:

I had a few hour talk with Nyquist, then Laura came out. Got really close to both of them. Especially ben.

Finally got people, or at least Ben, Hess, and Laura, to realize that it is not depression that brings me out to the night sky, but the pure unadulterated beauty. The fireflies dancing amongst the starry sky showing all that is and ever was to let us know we exist, to show us the truth, and let minds clear and become nothing but simple...

That made no sense...

But it is amazing.

Adopted Mel the melon who lost his life.

Fought around with friends. Violence is too much fun in a controlled enviroment.

Had the brilliant idea to glowstick in the pool.

Me Laura Ben and Jess went on a midnight donut run and walmart run, we didnt get masks but got a Tepid plush and Optimus Prime shirt xD

stayed up till 6 to see sunrise, the clouds stopped it, but soo worth it.

Except having to work on 3 hours of sleep.

And my whole body is in pain. Worth it.

Watched fire work at Jessicas.

I ran, jumped into a roll, and managed to continue rolling the whole way, so fun. So painful.

Me and Benny ben totally owned Laura. She was holding Nyquist's hand, he went to feet, i was like "High five" she did, i grabbed her arm, he got legs, and we kidnapped her.

It was really fun.

I ralized i am still not free of demons.

Nor am i ready for a relationship

And the urge to want a relationship is odd. I actually dont, but vaguely finding myself falling for people for no reason. Oh well. Not going to fall prey to differnt shit like that.

I think something between me and Emily...Lightened...I guess?

Who knows. I am really at ease recently. I love it.

Im gonna lose this cause I keep taking her for granted...

And why? Because it's the same issue you see in all your blog posts. If it ain't the girl you want. Or if it ain't the past...you lose sight. You take everything for granted that isn't your crush or your past. Let it all the fuck go. Years your mourning the same shit and holding onto the same shit. Grow up.

Its a wonder Alex deals with you for how retarded you are.

Gives an edge to explaining why others don't.

This is not good for anything.

There was something else you should have said...just now...3 am memory sucks.

Work on shit. Fix shit. Dammit.

And tomorrow...make cookies. Do et faggot. Make them!

Hmmm. Thinking. It is funny. You know how in movies when a couple breaks up and share friends one of them lose those friends? Thinking about it...that kinda happened. Especially with Bren...Bren...God how did that go to hell...I tried staying close so long... even when Alex and everyone was mad at him...I tried. I tried to get back our friendship....why did it never work....we were so close...now he is best friends with Alex and Emily and them again....

God...sick irony...but it is story of my life...."man we really have drifted apart" Clint said to me...I tried to bullshit and say it was not true... but it is....

Corey...Raj...Sam...Michael...Bren...Scotty....Clint and Taylor...in many ways Ben...what is wrong with me that it happens like that. Dammit I value friendships with guys so close....yet they fall apart...what is wrong with me there....

Hell I ruin all friendships....I barely am keeping intact with Alex from my idiocy....

God dammit. I hope to hell...all of this...bitchifiers...Laura...Nyquist....Hannah...Rachel, Alex, Sidney, Kasha, Ben....all of them...I hope it can be salvaged and maintained...

But in one year...in one year everything changes.

And im making so many promises...can I keep them? Will I want to? Will they want me to? Will I even be able to...God...everything is going so fast....

Never should look back.

And how this started? Seeing an innocent talk between Emily and Bren, and looking at pics of 09. And ya know? I can't remember it almost at all. I barely remember anything. I don't remember how short Laura had her hair...or anything. Im left wondering if I am meant to forget everything...

If so why can't I forget random feelings I don't even consciously mean to have... dammit. Why do I still feel ...so so much for Emily. Why despite being great friends with Tay again do I subconsciously still feel the betrayal, hate, the other festering emotions...why despite having so many new close friends do I feel jealousy at how close some are with Bren and Clint and scott...and hatred at how distant we are...why dammit why. I DONT WANT THESE. WHY DO THESE DEVILS ALWAYS APPEAR FOR ME.

Why am I always in a situation that gets to me like this...

At night. It's always night. Everything changes then....

And tomorrow we are going to tays. Thank God. Nyquist will be there too. Him and shawn give me some extra comfort...

And a pool. Not only that but the stars. Oh God Almighty ....the wonderous stars...

And the fireflies...

That is what I love in summer.

Fireflies and the night sky with a warm breeze...most beautiful sight ever

I need to stop goofing around. Need to do more driving...or at least enough to pass the school. Then I can be fine...one month to pass class and get everything scheduled so I can take exam. I give myself a month.