Guess some catch up...

Lets see. Today was fun. I really am glad that me adn laura are getting close again. As shown by our conversation, which i am tempted to post but she would hit me for it xD

Sugoi soon. Dunno how i feel bout it to be honest. so many memories. Always memories. And now i dunno how i feel bout them. Still hate myself in every one of my memories...But i need to stand tall, continue on, and forge new ones, and i will have shawn with me. Which will help. Finally having a guy friend at these things. I mean, sure lee and the others where there last year, but i hated half of them or barely knew them. This year i will have back up, people to help me control myself, all that.

And I am really glad for this job, teaching me control, money, value, simplicity, responsiblity.

And twas funny, I've been texting summer (my Cuz) and told her i had to go so i could work. Then randomly i hear, "Holy crap brandon!" Adn Summer was there and freaking out. It made my day. xD

I realized i dont start texts at all anymore.

Have i mentioned a social job is really tough for me, adn meeting these new people who are becoming, or meant to be like, a family is also tough? But i am doing it, and learning to introduce myself and learn names.

I really am scared i am gonna fuck up...I really dont want to. And i really want to impress dad.

Hrm. But man. I have a paycheck now...So odd...

Laura and Ria may come over tomorrow. Hope they do. And the Rally to restore sanity and/or keep fear alive tomorrow.

If you do come laura make sure to put /it/ on the right way xDDDD

Yeah, good catch up.

Oh, it is odd, talking with molly, bren and others more now, when i rarely did. Odd.

Also, got more dresden crack...NOT ENOUGH D:

death of daily blog now. I no longer am bothering trying to make it daily. I will post when i feel like it. Not like anyone cares about this thing much anymore. Seems the blog fad amongst everyone has died. And I am either not invited, not aware, or not caring about most otehrs blogs, only lee actually updates that I can read. So no point checking here often. So i quit with this site pretty much. Kthxbye

memory, where are you...

I cant remember anything recently...

How i felt. How i feel. I cant remember fun at tays. I cant remember the love i have felt. The joy. The pain. Anything.

I am struggling to remember things in school...

Hell I had to ask about the same damn things over and over at work.

God damn. This irks me. I can work on the personality and everything, duno bout memory...

You know. I am glad i got this job. It is a definant Advent adn change for me. It is my catalyst for complete change. For becoming responsible. Stronger, selfless, for learning politeness, for learning to actually speak and introduce myself, and not fearing people and break past shyness.

To learn to ask for help.

Dammit i can do this. I think i am...but it is still pointless adn too late isnt it...

Damn me. Hell. I havent even tackled half the problems, or really apologized all the apologies that need to be there, I still feel horrible, sad, guilty, empty, destroyed, pathetic, each and every day....

But i cant let it overcome me. I have no right. Gotta keep up on this. Gotta smile, laugh, and eventually, just like the forced brooding and despairs i used to fake became real, so can the smiles and joy...I hope...

Sugoi soon...I need grades up...I kinda dont want to go...Ill hide in the game room. Test deck out more...

I just...I am so happy...so empty....so nothing. I am back to drifting through life with no real rhyme or reason.

Oh well. At least now i have a steady income...

Wow...Lst night was nothing but nightmares...

Uhm...I dunno....Fail recording....

Marik structure is so broke

Gah. Have to work for dad now. Oh well. Tis income i guess. May enjoy it. Gives me something to occupy time too.

Need to get grades and missings up or no sugoi...which is barely registering...

Hrm. God...I really hate how much of myself i see in scott, especially since i know I wont be able to get a good ending like him...

Shawny back. Yay. Stuff. Things. Gah. I really have been crashing after school as of late. Need to eat. Yesterday i felt almost suicidally shitty then felt amazing when i ate.

I dun wnana blog

I hate you Ven. I want you to know this.

Uhm. Replaced psp. BBS is pretty good. Some issues. But good.

FFIX IS ON IT <33333333333333333

Uhm. Went to go get more meds, then stayed to watch bro/not allowed to see people still. All good tomorrow.

Dynamite is addicting. I throw my FFIX in the air say ayooo vivi is casting sloooooooooooow.

*had to*

Uhm. Dunno. I kinda feel...I dunno.

Oh well. Gotta take life one kilometer at a time.

Catch up

Yesterday was pretty good. Pwning on risk online game. Damn laura got me addicted. Oh who am i kidding i love her for it xD

Uh, got free pizza, Hyes!

Uhm. Psat outrageously easy.

Deck has been doing great.

Clarence died which was a mood killer as you can guess.

Watched numbers today, talked to people, cooked in spanish, etc. Great day overall except having to talk to Al (Mr. Gray, awesome teacher who randomly bursts into classes to tell stories) and see how upset he obviously was about Clarence's death. They really seem to have been good friends. And I like Al, hell i consider him a friend, seeing him that hurt really sucked.

Reconnected with Laura Sooy a bit yesterday. Small talk got to how upset she is with life, and we both told each other we where there for each other and to come over if we needed to talk...I really hope that happens. Laura is still a person who i hold nothing but good memories of.

Uhm. No more school this week. Kinda ruined by viewing and funeral next two days...

Got a month free live from Leland <3

Shawn has promised to get me a year for birthday (Seriously, I love you guys so much xD)

Having the guys over for yugioh, hanging out, manliness, and all that. Because childrens card games are so damn manly.

Remembering how much shotgunning a zombie in the face relieves stress.

Odd how much i am reconnecting with Laura, it is like before, cept with out the romantic feelings/people saying we should date/okay no other thing really, and just fun and amusing. I really missed this. It is a hella good thing.

I am getting a good idea of who i am. Although I also am being way too influenced by comics. But damn, I must say, Spiderman is one amazing character.

But yeah...Aside from some doubt and confusion doing pretty good. (obvious exception obvious)

And man, it is so odd, I really can't get Anna off my mind. And not even in a way like with Laura or Emily or any other past crush where i knew i wanted to be with them kinda thing. I just really...I find myself curious about her. I really want to know her better. Need to kill some shyness nad try talking to her more.

Hmm. But this is a decent blog for you all. Makes up for past few days, right? I think. Maybe. Who knows. I dont even know who all reads this, and once again, i don't care. Tis for me me me.

So yeah, off to read manga nad shoot zombies, ta ta

Wow...Man...I knew Clarence was in awful shape, had less than a month to live...All of that, yet why is him dying today so surprising, and so horribly upsetting? God...I barely knew the man, he only has been around like 5 or so years, (well, probably a few more, we know me and estimates) and i never really have talked with him long, or anything...yet i am honestly about to cry...

R.I.P. Clarence. You where a pretty cool guy. And in the end since i never met Dad's dad, you where my real grandpa on that side...I really wish i got to know you better before. I really do...

god...This is really depressing...

Dammit laura, no blog because you got me addicted.

Hrm...Psat tomorrow. Joy.

Hrm. Losing touch with school and determination...shit...

Rereading Black Cat.

Nothin else really...

Thunder cats jacket. That is all.

God dammit, screw you mom. Go to hell. So in the class i am struggling in yet am holding a b, one 77 is "flunking" god damn you mom. You know, you guys always said if i honestly was trying my hardest and got b's it would be fine, but you still are holding me to impossible standards and treating me like shit about this. God, a few A's dropped to 87's, and if i don't get to all A's bar parks and spanish no sugoi. Thanks mom. You know, I dont even want to go to sugoi now. So fucking take it from me. And fuck not cussing at this point, fuck you mom. I don't want to go to any con now. Just take it all. I don't care...I don't wanna go...Cause obviously if I cant be perfect then who cares, and you know, screw it all. I really dont care mom. Take it. I don't want to go to any con anymore. I mean, hell, I only mess up there too, isn't that right! I just mess everything up, fail everything, ruin everything, can't do anything right, isn't that right mom?!?

Screw it. If i have to live up to impossible standards and messing up even a tiny bit when i am freaking trying, then i quit trying. I will just get low enough so i freaking deserve this crap. I don't care about it anymore...it is as useless as me...I kinda wish i could kill myself without pain...no...I just wish i could disappear from existence. Never have been here. I wish i was a Forgotten One, used up my essence and myself to lose my right to existence...

Wow...i still fail....I cant stop disappearing for the stars...or anger...

And god. How pathetic am I. I cant even really talk to Laura alone without getting into my awkward nervous bad joke phase. I am pathetic...

Why do i just keep messing up...

PArty today...gah i cant shake worry and such. Oh well, need to enjoy it all.

Oh, and so it seems if i play solitare without taking a part of a psat i lose, if i take psat without solitare i fail, if i do both i pwn the test and win the game. odd.

Well, day has been odd. Wrote emo journal. Too lazy to post.

But man, hope shawny's surgery went good... Him not being there is very boring D:

Uhm. The chat owned by a douche online got killed <3, now all mah intarwebs yugioh peeps go to my friends chat. Victory.

Uhm. Too lazy to really post...

ONE PIECE IS EPIC!

I hate that i can only hurt...

I need to do homework...

Oh well. Today shall be good. Today was good. But man, i hate that everything is hell...

But Lee is coming over. Maybe Amir.

Oh, funny as hell thing:

So me and ben where talking about how we would be a great JD-Turk, and how I'd be a decent doctor and him surgeon and all that. I then open a fortune cookie, the fortune "You would prosper in the field of medicine" xD

And yesterday got hair cut, and Ms. Young forgot me when i went outside of room since they where goin over test i had not taken. I ended up getting my homework counted as full and participation points, just for sitting in the hall and reading <3

Uhm...God. Falling in love with...a belief of her, an essence, something not fully real, something i could never grasp, it is odd. Hating myself, trying to lose everything to gain something...Reworking myself completely....

I am keeping my cussing down, being nicer, thinking through everything...I can do this...God i can...

And Shawn is gettin his surgery tomorrow, all better go well!

God. I am so close to breaking...but doing better...I am becoming who i should have been last year...no two years...hell, all those years ago.

I am stopping with the idiotic shortsighted selfish behavior. Focusing more on school and everything. I am stopping with the insults, the scaring, everything like that, trying to become better in general...

I am somehow getting good grades...thank the lord....but it still hurts when parents say things like "you are finally getting the grades"...God, I have been trying this whole year...the only bad one was Parks, and i am actually struggling there, way to support me on that parents...

But god dammit i can, I will, I have to change...I have to...

Come on...remember what you said...dont give up...keep hope...

keep some form of hope....

or fall into being that useless shit you are...

who cares...

not you...

you are horrible still...

never able to do what you should...

"give up on yourself Neku and you give up on the world."

I guess i gave up on the world Joshua...

The flashbacks to all those years ago haunt me...

To every stupid thing i have done...

To hating myself...

To every thought of suicide...

I hate myself...

I have to accept all this...i am powerless though....change for better...god...what am i doing....

and now the next spot of the cycle...I lose touch with reality...try to convince myself none of it is viable, makes any sense, lose track of it being real...head back to that horrible little dream world of perfection i live in...I am awful...

you know bloggy...I barely am registering you as something not real...and barely registering that i shouldn't talk so much and everyone will read this when i dont want them to...

Dammit. Good thing i still feel like shit. Shouldnt stop...

but heh. Always told myself i needed a therapist, yet i cant talk to the one i have without getting defensive. Cant fully talk to anyone right now.

Man...when i play connect the dots I love how it all goes back to the molestation...how i kept saying it didn't mattered, how it was nothing...sexual acts where nothing...everything was nothing...none of it mattered...and then convinced myself everyone else must see it that way too...right...I mean, then i was not messed up....heh. But i was so fucked up by it...and have ruined myself and others from it...god i hate myself...Man...At least Taylors was willing with it.....and me...I dont have any sense of romance versus lust anymore...right or wrong, any sense of anything...I hate myself for this...I hate all I've done...

I really am a monster...

And i really cant solve anything...

God why does my mind keep drifting to heaven and hell, thinking of the end...Screw you mind. I still have never attempted that and never will...Never....

God. You know, what is that complex that people who where bullied end up mimicking those actions? God, I am pathetic, i am just like that. I have these stupid fatal flaws i knew i needed to avoid. Yet didn't. I ignored and shrugged them off...Heh. Clint fucked up my mind so bad with years of molesting me...yet i end up just as bad. God. Pathetic...And somehow i came up with these damn excuses to try and make what i did better...

God this time i am going ot change somehow. I will become better. I wont let these flaws continue. I have already hurt the two people i have cared most about more than anyone should ever be hurt...Dammit i am better than this, i can fix this...I swear it. I know these flaws. I need to devote myself to fixing myself. I need to stop being such an ass, stop cussing, stop all these horrible issues. I have already lost too much from this....And it is all my damn fault...And i have hurt too many people too many times...I will solve this. I will become better...I will learn...

But ya know the absolute worst thing, somehow i have been conditioned to think that is how it all should actually be...that is what everyone made it seem, how i learned...it is worse than racism in a way...god i gotta do this like i have done so many things. Forget all I know, relearn everything. Retry. I need to forget the fantasies, thoughts, and all i think on how it should work, adn relearn. And just forget everything else but the basic romance and friendship. forget the extra stuff...just let every single person know what they mean to me...

I may not be able to reset everything. But Dammit. I can fix myself. Make myself better. Be someone who deserves the friends I have. God DAmmit i can...

And Laura, Emily, you two specifically...God I really am sorry for how much shit i have put both of you through. And you two are probably the kindest and saintliest people i have ever met just from the fact that after all this you guys still have tried to help me before, and put up with me...Thank you guys. And I am sorry for who I am. I really am...

AND WE ARE BACK IN BLACK

Or at least blog background is.

Yah know. I really think, something clicked. Sure, everything is goin to hell still...But still. I finally have some control. Especially over this. It is not for you. Or you. Or you or you or you. (please fill in names for yous) It is for no one but me. This is a memoir, a reminder, a log, a recording of who I am.

And ya know what. I am beginning to truly realize who I am. I really wish i did not have to lose so much to really begin to realize it all. I really do.

But that is life.

But I needed this little thing. And i am thankful. For all of you. You guys kick ass.

And normally i'd apologize to everyone again, but you all must be so damn sick of that.

Also, I really want to take some dance lessons, I dunno why. Seems like it would be fun.

Really does.

God. I wish stuff would stop happening...or that for more that happened to me less would happen to Lee, Alex, Ben, and everyone else...god I rather take more pain instead of them...

Odd...I've given up, yet hold so much hope...It is really odd. Guess i am taking solace in chaos. But dammit. God Dammit. I will get past all this stuff. I will change. I will become a better person. I will be who i should and want to. Dammit i will. Dammit I am.

Odd, when did i begin valuing family so high? I use to hate idea of going to family things, try to get to friends place instead. But now...Now i kinda enjoy it at times, especially with younger family. and i find myself developing affection for family if only because they are family. I mean, since i began talking to Summer again i have fallen in love with her, she is someone i would love to bother more, and i kinda want to see more since she lives close to me.

(note, summer is my younger cousin, so not like that, pervs)

Just overall i have wanted to help family more, genuinly worrying about them, caring more...it is odd.

I really am changing. God Lets hope it continues.

And goin to lee's today, will be fun i hope. Need to help the Sex Bob Ombs with their decks, goin to Mr. S's tomorrow <3.


------hours later---

And god. I really needed that. I initially felt a bit bad, recent times where struggling to break past my dont-get-down philosophy. But i kept good, and i had a ton of fun. And realized Shawn and Lee are by far two of my closest friends.

But god, an iron man marathon kicked so much ass. <3

And ya know, a day with just the Guys is really good. Nothing can compare to how it is calming.

Even though Sabrina was there...


Too bad Tay, Em, Rachel, Claire, Ben, Kasha, etc. where not there D:

But god. Great week. And lol, seeing Lee again tomorrow...I think this is 4 times out of school this week? XD