I miss...god, so tired, so many typos...guess the end yourself, yyou never willl

GOD DAMMIT.

Why am i forgetting everything...I cant remember the smiles, the fun...I cant remember anything good...

I cant remember anything...I am having resurgences, stuck on a few thoughts...everything is gone like a dream...

I remember dreams better.

All i remember is a yearning, and a want of a second chance...

and now i am feeling for people i shouldnt, and knowing i wont act on them...

I think i am breaking my heart, and letting myself down without any thing happening...

what is wrong with me...

What the fuck is wrong with me...

God dammit dammit dammit dammit. I wish i was on meds now...at least i would not feel...escape with feeling nothing...

God, why should I care if Rachel keeps making bitchy or stupid comments at me, these snide insults over nothing...I should just ignore it and not care...But i feel so god awful...

And I just feel like I spent the day messing up, lying to myself...faking it...

I am about to cry...why....

And I have option to work, and cant even bring myself to do it. And feel awful, especially since I like work dammit. And feel like a fucking idiot letting whitney paint the moustache on, even if it is great and was fun, all because it would interfere if i did choose to go...

What is wrong with me...God I hate this...

First ten minutes out of the break, and I am nearly crying. Over nothing. For who knows what reasons.

No wonder I cant fix things with anyone eh. No wonder...

Had a whole blog on how I am confused and yada yada usual. Also how I kinda want to try getting drunk, weed, etc. and other things. But you know, fuck, too lazy to retype, I already wrote it.

But man, It is creepy how much Blake tells mom. If he knows it, she does. She even knows all the stuff Clint did with others, who got drunk, or high, or whatnot that Blake knows, so creepy. Note to self, don't let Blake know if you do anything stupid.

but yeah, have this ambigous blog hinting at romantic confusion, a want to do things I shouldnt and probably wont, that makes everything seem bad. Oh and i think there was stuff about how i am drifting and will lose contact with people, and only really close trusting of Emily, Laura, or Alex...Uhm. Yeah. Most of it was my want to experiment with stuff. But I am too lazy to post. Sooooo....use imagination. And be careful what blake knows people, cause my mom will find out it seems xD Though she is not telling others cept me..so yeah. Who knows.

LOBSTERS ARE BABY MR. FISH

Apparently Rachel is ignoring me again. And won't tell me why again. When we haventtalked for ages. I am so fucking sick of her.

I really needed that. God, this was an amazing day...please sleep, one night without nightmares. Please leave me this

Remind me again what i am thinkin...nothing...I dont know....I wish i was working more...It is so odd. Once you forget about how freaky it is running a register on a shitty system (it is deceptively scary) and just let it pass, well, it becomes kinda fun. Especially if you like the people there, I mean Kyle is one hella cool dude. Nick and josh rule too, Gina is pretty funny and really nice. Pam too. Lindsey makes me laugh a ton. Though that Laura girl, damn, she is soooooo cruel and hateful. Always mean to handy, and never accepting miguels love. and always looking so frightened, tsk tsk tsk.

But man...I need out of this flow, gotta grab onto something.

"sorrow brings laughter, happiness tears"

Why am i so angry...so upset right now...I finally have things going in some controlled manner. Yet...god I still feel so useless and pained...

I am about to cry...

And i get one freaking bug or whatever so I feel sick and skip first day of driving school, which has no freaking impact or issue or anything, and can just be started tomorrow, and I feel like a disappointment and horrible person.

I feel like that in general...

Why is my everything so fucking shot?

I finally have some self confidence, and am trying to stick to my beliefs, or at least not just give up every single thing and take every issue. And turn so much as me mispronouncing a word into self loathing...

Yet i still feel bad.

I still am missing something...

I need a hug...I cant remember last time i really hugged someone...

but i dont want the stupid half assed kind...i want a real hug...

no i dont...

what is wrong with me...

Calm down and breathe...

Yet i still am letting anger get the best of me...

Wait, what the fucking hell, when did i let real anger come out of nothing, and not only that, but get the best of me? I rarely let that happen...now it feels like it happens all the time. I am really spiraling out of control.

And whatever is getting to me today is not helping. Splitting migrain and anger is bad...

like 4 for 4 on pissing off people with essentially snapping just cause head pain causes anger...

Oh, did i mention night terrors are coming now, and insomnia, because sleep is fucking over rated.

And it seems i still cant fix what i broke, and then i cant help the ones i want to help most, and am still seperate from everyone i was close to...

Honestly, the person ive talked to most is Ben Nyquist recently. And i only see him in school.

What am i doing?

You know I always saidd i thrive on chaos, and just went with the flow...but now that i am essentially at the mercy of others, and i am stuck in the flow with no escape...

Ugh, nad now this bug or whatever i have is hitting agian. Off to throw up...Fucking body...even you became weak, i never got sick and now i do >.<

Wow, I feel guilty and mad at myself...over nothing....

DEliberation acceleration what the hell am i thinking in this nation? Guess Im to the point where i was knocked down in my mind after trying and it seems to be killing my urge of what i want to try, but i still want to? Even if i cant get anyone to talk to me for more than fifteen minutes. And I cant fix what i hoped and thought i could? Or did i throw the die at the wrong time? Man mind is in shambles, just in rambles, lets see where this leads that I am rhyming and hope this is not a crime in my mind? Eh? A month or two, what will I do. God, this cant make sense, but typing, writing, leaving what i had and what i need to become, to find, to be...I need that. So streetlight manifesto is pretty damn good, why did it take me so long to beat back those damn insecurity and listen to it?

God what am i doing? Who really cares, what is worth it. You know, I think I really need to ask myself, in all honesty, who would i keep in contact with after high school...

My mom brought up a good point, damn i hate when she is astute, I keep people away. I am like clint in that...except he, well dammit, he never fucking lets people get close to him, and i know truthfully he doesnt care about me, friendship is a farce with him i have been playing on old fun and past nostalgia. Truthfully i know he barely cares about people, it was obvious when he could leave us all, me included, and not have any issue. Me and Tay have both noticed it...

But god, he keeps everyone out...I dont do that badly do i? Who am I kidding, god, wasnt that something that was an issue for you with both emily and laura, hell even alex and others, "God I want to help but you never tell me what is wrong" havent they all said that?

What is wrong, why can I not lean on people. I tell people to trust me, lean on me, I need that...But I cant do the same, hypocritical eh?

Yet here i am eh.

Guess nothing to do but try. Carpe diem, go with the flow.

Lets see what happens.

Well looks like that answers about 8 questions...

I think....

HEh...Now I dont know again...

Screw it, I am continuing to try....

At least i am patching stuff up with some...

Bren and I seem to be talking again. and I did soemthing, better than nothing?

And why is so much shit goin on...

Man, the Earthquake really really worries me...just a bit ago we had another one that was nearly a 9 in chile...that is insane. that is 2 of the top 6 recorded earthquakes ever in nearly a year....then us fucking up in the gulf...between those 3 events so many lives, human and animal, will be suffering in so many ways for decades...

oh me and my contradictions.

Fun contradictions are fun. And changes, you know how i use to be huggy? Well I cant for the life of me bring myself to do it now. I mean hell, a few people looked so sad...adn i have hugged them before just to try and make them feel better, but i couldnt, horrible of me eh?

And I think I have put myself into a wierd subconscious hate-mainstream things idea, while wanting to like, and liking things easier, that are mainstream. So odd. Geass is getting super popular amongst friends, I am getting annoyed by it. and i think it is because of everyone liking it. (Or maybe it is all the lelouch obsessing, i never really liked him >.> *puts up flame shield). Yet Gurren is more mainstream, and part of my love of DBZ is its critical appraise (and a chunk of nostalgia). How odd of me.

Lets see...I am growing really annoyed with anime and manga. They all keep with the same repeats, no real change. I just find the same stories, characters, everything, no twists. Then weaboos piss me off more than usual recently, getting really annoying. And I am about to shoot people who spam same 8 random fucking japanese words. (Internet raaaaaeg) (screw desu) But i know, I shouldnt judge just A/M, all mediums are like that when you look, etc. But i mean, my god, Lelouch's design is almost exactly the same as 8 other characters, I get so annoyed seeing characters that look like him, or the guy in the vampire manga that is stupid but has cool school outfits, or fruits baskets, etc. And I get annoyed with the fact that same power=same back story and personality.

I guess i am just prefering comics. At least there it is different mixes. I mean, I wont lie, the same powers are between many characters (only ones that seem mostly unique is Spidey and Green Lanterns), but the stories and personality of those characters are different.

But I guess, in the end it is me realizing and admitting to myself, after all these years, the reason i always feel out of place at anime cons, and all this stuff related to it, and it is because I never have been comfortable with half this stuff. I never cared as obsessively for japanese culture, I find pocky and ramune disgusting and only dealt with it to fit in with friends, and beyond the half dozen to a dozen series I absolutely adore (OP, TTGL, CG, E7, Jojo, Black Cat...) I couldnt get into it. Spamming japanese always pissed me off. I never cared for asian food bar a few things (though then again, I am an italian person...well. Pizza. and Spaghetti. And Lasagna, but lets be honest, that is all italy makes. ) and all these random things that have made me feel more and more disconnected.

Hell, even my card gaming has been going western. And my video gaming. Ive been becoming mroe western shooter gamer. Playing Magic more...

Odd.

But i have been thinking, why is it the people I want to reconcile most with i am having hardest time starting. I think...Maybe it is because i never addressed anger and reconciled my guilt? I mean, I would be lying if i said i was not angry at a few people different times...But i bit down, accepted every part of blame thinking i deserved every part, even things that where utter bs. And I let the guilt become me (and still hold some), and I guess...at this point it is because I never addressed the feelings i had, and I never got past the guilt. I mean, I had the issues with laura i had with others, and with Tay, but with both of them...Had a period where we both hated each other, bitched, ignored, despised, calmed, patched stuff up, apologized...I think I need to do that...But i cant.

Heh, I guess another part of comics that have won me over is how well they turn the simplest things into good maxisms that can work in real life. I mean, I love some anime lines, but they dont apply well. TTGL's quotes may be epic, but not good with reality, same with DBZ. But hell, the basis of a giant group in the G.L. series, their motto is so simple and enchanting. All will be well...God i wanna believe that, I want to hope like the Blue Lanterns...But why can't i jump path these few issues i have...

In the end, do I just really not care anymore? Amm I trying to fool myself, when really I have become content with the internet friends and lonliness?

Or am I afraid of getting hurt or hurting more?

Or somewhere deep down did I fall for people I know i cant have, or know i will, and dont want to do that?

God damn...Why cant i do this.

Come on me...Off of this. Snap past it...

Man, even my super geek friend got a girl and is pullin it out against me xD that is so wrong, and both will and zach have ghost roses...

Hrm, really been wanting to write about something...almost like satirical way...yet i dont know what it is, a small nagging to write, to get out soemthing about me...Urgh, really annoying.

Why do I get stuck on one idea, one defense, argument, basis, joke, or random thought... People change...ideas change.... Everything changes....world is gray....yet I get stuck on that....odd

And why have so many of my nicknames been dying to me....I just go by their names...

And why do I end up forcing myself to hate things I like.... I'd enjoy books and movies and sub more if I stoppe that...

You know... That really is sad of me. Who am I? Why is that so hard for me? How would I introduce myself to someone... I know my interests, all that random stuff bout personality,... But really I don't know how to describe myself. Lazy and happy? But when I work I work hard, specially at job or things of my choice. I can't describe self as happy or sad, I dot think any of y random interests would be anything of any importance, and I don't know what I wanna do for life...

Who am I?

But one thing is growing clear, my Meds dull my emotions and make me easily angered, or zen calm. Lack of eating is part of it too.

But pretty funny. You say you just wanna enjoy life while you can? How long have you hadthat paper wig your cell number for Ben Nyquist since you and him started getting along great? That text you wanna send? All that stuff.

Face it. Your surviving. Not living.

Heh, funny, years ago you know she could have moved and severed bonds, without too much pain, and even that she wanted to. While you where scared of something like that happening. Now you can tell that she seems to fear that and would be hurt if that happened. Yet you honestly want to move, or restart. And severe bonds? Seems more and more like I've been doin that eh?

Guess part of it is I still can't go to people about it, hold it in, and I cope with very issue by a joke and not releasing how I feel (creeping like JD there) in any way. Which right now is odd. You seem to have Emily available to help you again, Alex would be there in the end almost always, Ben, kasha, whit, Laura, clint, Tay, so many...yet you wont surge forward. It's not even fear, or disdain for them all. I mean when things start or you have a reason to start a convo you ease into it...

But it is like you can't find the point to start, or the will...more than that you feel invasive, like they don't want you to talk to them, like you don't belong. There is some undertandability on that with Emily due to how rough it has been, but Alex, Ben, Laura , Shawn, he'll kasha?

Where does that make sense?

Guess you should eat and sleep on it. So try that me. Maybe it will work.

And even if you dont want to be the kind of person who shoves their burdens on others, getting help is not wrong...

I guess thinking about it, through all of it, what describes you throughly, is pride. Pride that adheres you to your own standard, that you fear losing or hurting, that leads to stubbornness...pride that makes it so you try to take on the world alone.

Remember when I blogged? Good times.

Kinda funny, through all the stuff I said I would do... Hope and improve and fighting, in the end, well, I've regressed right back to how I was years ago. Becoming cynical, find hugging and all that pointless, happily alone most the time...

Telling myself lies...