My lord. All these fucking random girls who feel the need to praise god so that i see 3 straight post on most recent, or send love, or any shit irk me. Effing hell my FB list is goin to die sooner or later. Deletin half of them.

But man, its sad how much I am finding myself wishing I would ask Laura out. And it is funny how true this alternate personality thing is, and how often something is just...clicking and its like someone is taking over. Cept it is doing it outside of work too. Last few days...Ive been lively and letting myself make it or fake it. Part is being off meds..

Damn, I love the meds, but the higher teh dose teh worse it affects personality...I need to talk to my Doc soon about that.

But man. I really do like Laura. Well, shit sux right?

Who knows, maybe the time will be right later eh.

But man, I think I subconsciously am flirting more...hell I know i am. Flirting, making jokes about us and stuff to test boundries, giving her special treatment and gifts. If she somehow doesnt realize im in crush then man.

Though I think she reads this...

Oh well.

My damn blog.

Plus we both are doing our usual pretend-its-not-obvious-and-kinda-flirt-or-ignore thing.

Hrm, do think she sorta flirts back, for her at least.

And man...I didnt realize how much a hug means, specially when you dont give or get one in a while.

In context, Summer (my little cuz) came for play, and to embarass her i went nad hugged in front of friends and at school xD

And I still dont get...HOW DOES GETTING SOMEONE ARRESTED GET THEM TO MARRY YOU.

But yeah....BROOKLYN RAAEEEEEEG

Posting I love you...after guess what...with alternating caps....on fb. Would it be wrong of me to consider that grounds for instant deletion? Especially when I have no idea who she is slash never talk to her..
Like literally never have

Still lost...but I gotta try. Have to do something. But I wander...why do I have such issues without having exact formulas and ratios. I hate outliers that break patterns. Guess its why I'm bad with Spanish.

Hey. Funny. Still can't get over Laura or bring myself to try anything.

Too bad too. I have a feeling if we tried we would be perfect for each other..
If such a thing exists.

Too bad Alex isn't here. We would fit great too. Irony is a bawse.

Really tired. Hour talking with dad and new boss is a Tad freaky. XD

Haircut. Woo. Identity change with it. Form of a bucket of water.

Soooooo yeah. Had something big to talk bout when. I shhowered...I forgot....night

Driving class 11... lets just get it all over with...at least somethings in control...

Joy. Looks like I may lose job sooner if I do lose it. Great. Everything is slipping out of control...

Bye bye beauty.

Good bye oh blossoming tree, its so damn sad that it only blossoms a bit...it is the most beautiful thing ever. It truly is.

Heh. You know. The thing that irks me the most, after the people who seem to only talk to me when they need something, is that I am so attention starved, so uselessly egotistical, and so fearful of leaving this private. I dont want people readin it. Yet any time anyone comments I feel like I am a bad person when they comment on me making it private. It sickens me that I cant get the damn balls to keep to it. When the fuck did that happen?

God...Let the anger come. Please. I want something...

But you know. Its sad. I keep writing all these texts to Laura, Alex, Emily, all these different people. Adn telling myself how fucking horrible i am. How if they wanted to talk over these months they would start something...

Then anytime i start talking to people, I want to just say "God i am upset, please lord, listen, help, save me!" but never can...

I am a coward. A true damn coward.

And god, gotta love irony, just the whole of it.

Really am a douchebag eh. I really am.

But it is sad. You know what it probably wrong out of all I say "I dont trust" that is a lie...I cant bring myself to take any forward steps. Its the same end result. But in the end i guess it is a different path.

What am I doing.

God, portal 2 becomes so easy on meds...when not feeling....odd...

I hate myself.

And its funny. Last year I thought i was really close to all my friends, and would try and stay in contact past high school. Now? Alex, Laura, Emily, Whit, Ria, Ben...bout right. Think that is the only group I'd keep in contact with if i could, or at least, who I would want to. Maybe Shawn adn Kasha...oh and Hannah.

But really...What do I know about any of them? I doubt i could answer the most basic things...I barely know my friends. How horrible am I? I think I can name two of those peoples favorite colors...but cant really name much else.

I am so god awful.

Why any of you give a damn and care is beyond my comprehension...

I could have so much...but fear inhibits me..scared....what is wrong with me. Why am I stopping myself from everything...

I just hurt people....I know I. Can influence yet view myself as nothing. Funny. Hypocriticalness at its best. Tell others they are too hard on themselves...believe I am worthless. Comedy gold.

Okay. Calm down me. Lets list the facts and try and make sense.

Alex, Laura l, Emily, Ben, whit, ria, Hannah are only ones I know I love and consider friends fully.

Tay, Rachel, Casey and most others I like at best. But they are the ones I know I wont keep in touch with later.

Alex. Hopefully Laura. I wish Emily. And above mentioned are only people I can see me talking to out of high school.

I am so scared I don't know who to trust.

In fear of pain and such I've put myself into a form of dissociation so I wont feel.

I am developing a loner complex to offset feeling of loneliness.

I'm breaking from not knowing myself.

If I truly wanted to restart I could hang with Ben Nyquist and Hannah. Just keep in contact with Alex and Laura and others.

I'm closer to online ygo friends than all but first mentioned group of friends.

I don't know what to do.

I am pushing Alex and others away thinking that they don't want me around and I'm not worthy

I honestly may have some disorder...

I hate Spanish.

I...don't know.

I hate myself for how I am hurting them. But once again can't say" I'm sorry" and how I feel. Maybe it is cause last few times I've tried with Emily it failed spectacularly

Sigh.

Feel...dammit feel...pain is better than nothing...

I love how stupidly cruel, sick, using, soulless and cruel we are. Weren't we supposed to have matured by now? We are all those stupid middle Schoolers we use to be.

Don't think I'm not including myself here.

Odd how simple it is to mess with a mind. Betrayal. Being basically ignored third of a year. Self hatred. Its so sickeningly hilarious. Ha. Ignoring everyone for study hall. What the hell am I doing. Seems like carpet diem is bullshit too.

And I really don't see what I'm supposed to say. Heartless of me. Sickeningly so. At least my stomach continues to be repulsed by me.

Its so strange...its like talking as a stranger....you know who your talking to...But who am I....I sicken myself while feeling nothing....at least my body knows to feel upset. I just...why can I not feel this...hate....rage...sorrow...love...am I so afraid of myself and others I give up altogether? Yeah. Sounds bout right. Pathetic. Utterly pathetic.. ironically I feel like throwing up too. Irony is grand. At least I am in perfect test taking situation...

Guess this week is good time for everything. Aka no time for everything. Except with Laura, and I figure things will go to hell there too by morrows end. Sounds bout right

I love how no one gives a shot till of goes full to hell. And how few do. And I love how soulless and unfeeling I have become...don't I usually break and feel guilt and worry by now?

Its like dissociation...nothing feels real. At all. I don't know what I'm doing.

Here you want the God dammed truth. I gave up on only the group that does t read this.

Alex Laura and Emily. All people I love still but in the end I feel that I AM THE ONE WHO IS UNDESERVING.

But honestly. I am use to being alone. If that is not obvious by all the comments I've made from these past. Few months, I've had no talks with anyone

Emily hates me and ive talked more with her in one mini conversation. Ain't that great.

Its Taylor Rachel, people who ha e used and demeaned me only I am sick of.

And wow. This girl... you try to do that shit? You are a conceited bitch. I know I said I wouldn't blog thus. But really Mayu, try to get me to have you as my first new friend with you, in a secret mean girls clique? That's such a bitch move. Sickening

Knew I should have left this private. -_-

Hahaha. Its funny. I'm at acceptance stage of death. And not dying or trying to. I'm content. And sick of hiding. I don't see reason to private, lie or sugarcoat. But you guys wanna know full well the truth. I hate myself, I feel alone, I feel demeaned, I feel useless. And almost none of it is you guys. Yu are just blunt of verbal arrows, mostly. But the fact is that I feel and am alone. Or so I think. And it causes a nice spiral. But at this point I've accepted it all. I'm a monster. I'm useless. Alone.

" God damn it. This song is awful. Not as bad as Blow."
"Just watch it be next"
Radio: up next on number 8 ke$ha Blow
Laura: FUCKING YES!
Me: knew that was coming.

Its kinda funny. Here's Laura, this girl I have never quite fallen out of like with, and is probably the perfect person for me...yet I know I am the worst for her. And despite all my pessimistic beliefs I still keep falling for her... irony is grand. Yet I know on probably 30 to 1 odds she is not into me and we wouldnever work, yet here I am wishing vainly for it. What kinda moron am I? The best part is how stupid I am about his. Even if I wanted to I am too scared to try because I don't want to hurt her if I fall prey to same damn demons...and I don't wanna hurt myself.


Oops. I was trying to hide details. Oh well I am sick of this. Its my damn blog and I've never been good at lying or hiding my feelings.


Also, you k ow something truly scary...seeing someones pride broke. Dad was upset a few days ago over a fuck up at promo...he was almost in tears...hell he had been crying. Seeing him that broke...God I am freaked b it. I never saw that before...

And fuck hiding shit. Public again. None of you have to read this. So fuck off if offended.

Its hilarious how much I use to care. But ya know I realize now love is bullshit. It doesn't exist. Fucking fairy tale. We nerved get the perfect person except for a few rare people. We take someone we like, say its love, and settle becaude we don't want to be alone. Hilarious. Utterly hilarious.

Hey. You know. I don't care about any of this shit. You. Myself. Life. Her. Fuck it all. Worthless as fuck

Heh, you know. Alex may be right. God, that optimism, all will be well, all that shit. So stupid on my part. It is all sucky, all of this life is pointless and sucks. Hell, a few thousand years from now as everything comes and gos we will all be forgotten. So pointless isnt it?

Life sucks shit. I wont get anywhere. Wont do anything. What is the damn point.

Hell, fun times, have to get these glasses to adjust, because for some fun reason my eyesight in right eye is fading fast -_- Eyes adjusting to it is giving me a headache and still not seeing any better -_- Useless shit.

Haha, such a fun pointless spectrum. God. I want out. I hate this.

I wihs i was working -_- Laura complains, and i do too. But hell, still better than dealing with people i know, isnt it sad?

Hehe. You know, now there are only two damn things in my life i find truly beautiful. And make me smile. That beautiful tree that i believe is a cherry blossom tree in my front yard. and that is only beautiful about a month or two if lucky. And a girl I cant fucking get. Grand eh?

Yet my problems are so little, so miniscule, so nothing. If i know this, and I know i have a great life otherwise....WHY AM I SO UPSET?!?!

God I hate this all...

I am really annoyed now. Wow. Go fuck yourselves people. Really. Glad i put this on private. Even if it will probably go public later. But you know, I dont give a fuck. I still dont know who the fuck reads this. And frankly I dont care.

God I want out. Now. One year. And I can meet new people. I can escape this place, i can make new friends, I can leave the ones I already seem done with, all that. And you know, I dont give a damn if you all think this is cruel. Or "You should keep fighting" and all that, guess what, I've fucking fought a good bit, and how well has that worked? It hasnt? Well you know, if you all who i fought for made it obvious you still hate me, and still dont want me in your life. Fucking fine. Why should I hurt myself more and more with a false hope that you made clear i cant reach and i cant obtain, and keep hurting by trying. You cut all ties with me to let yourselves be happy it seems, I am gonna do the same damn thing. And yeah, i know, so cruel of me wanting to be away from some of these people, nad be done with them. But who gives, not like they care about me too much more, and not like they try much to do anything with me eh? I have to start anything, even Kasha doesnt text anymore unless I do. And if people text its because they want something. I mean hell, Emily hated me and still texted only cause she needed a damn book early school year. And last time Taylors texted me? Because he wanted my minecraft pass -_- Actually, the only time quite literally about 8 different people have texted me in last 4 months was because they wanted to use my fucking minecraft account to play. Those fucking bastards. That is all I seem to be, and after words i am nothing, well fuck you all. I shouuld change the damn pass and not let any of you god damn bastards have it.

God. Arent we human hilarious, so petty, yet so deep at times. We spend years correcting all these problems and prejudices and yet we just shove the same exact prejudices nad problems on another damn group -_-

I really cant wait till I can leave everyone.

I cant wait till I forget about the damn yearning for romance.

I cant wait till I stop caring about those who seem to have stopped caring about me.

I cant wait till I stop hating myself...

God...stop coming tears... I refuse to fucking cry...

I mean...I guess I have no right to cry....I do this to myself...

Maybe my only use is to be used by people...

It does at least keep me in contact with people...

Is being used and demeaned better than being alone....

My god, having intelligable talks with no true insults and being calm is now flaming, trolling, heated, etc.? That is such bullshit.

And you know, you are a human too. Dont act so damn fucking high and god damn mighty, you are not that damn fucking special you know.

My god. I dont know if it is the nyan cat i am to lazy to click out of, the increase in bullshit, the increase in shit people give, etc. But I am growing more and more fine with not tlaking to people.

Especially since it seems every little joke, fight, or argument is now cruel, heated, mean, etc. That is just another reason it is fucking impossible to have intelligable talks, someone makes the intelligeble ones out to be bad -_-

What is wrong with me...why do I always have to have the hardest, unobtainable. Thing...why am I so upset over everything the past few days. I hate this...

I just want away. I know it seems horrible, but if I left so few would care, and I'd miss so few. I have the net for those people I would care about enough...I just wanna see the world, see new places. I want. Out.

I want away.

I want to be free...

I want to stop wanting damn romance

I want to explore


Fuck this all..

Life is funny like that, confirm what ya know, or make it seem likelier, but ya know, thinking about this...do I even care that much, or do I just feel so left out that I need to try for someone? Or is it that I think we'd be so great, even though I know pen and paper theory never matches fact? Do I just need a goal? Or is it that I fall for same 4 people always. Guess it is obvious that I don't care as much as I want to, I want to care more than I do. Getting told probably noon chance, and realizing it...didn't hurt as much as it should. I really have no experience with this. I mean...me and Jess agreed to date, me and Laura talked about it for two weeks before I asked, bit not much of anything there, no challenge, risk. Or awkwardness. Don't think I technically asked. Except after she broken up first week. And w got back together. Then Emily technically asked me out...have I ever asked someone out?

But oh well. I guess I'm gonna forget about it. But man...my mind keeps drifting to her
Guess I fell more than I want to admit, or I'm not as happy being alone as I say. Guess people are not.meant to.be alone. Man... this shit annoys me. Need a pattern or formula.

Or I needmy friends back, need to admit now I feel. Admit I know it will be no so I can mope five minutes and move on...who knows. Tired. Sleep now

You know, why try so hard? If stuff is gonna happen, im leaving it to others and life to make the first move. At least for a while. If i need to make a move for things and push forward I will, but for now, why not let life or others do it.

Here, you want the damn truth? I like you. A lot. But honestly unless you are as oblivious as usual you probably know his, I never hid this well, have I? But I like you, and can't bring myself to do anything about it. I'm utterly scared of the idea. We avoid mentioning it from the idea of bringing the awkwardness there, but you know, I hate myself for it. I'm so afraid of going into another another situation whee when I get too close to commitment I freak, I'm scared of opening up again, I'm scarf of losing myself to you, or to my demons. Ya know? But yet, beyond all doubt, beyond it all, I like you, more than I want to, I reapply do. And I'm stuck on a perpetual loop of fear and self abotage, where I know I need patience and rushing will ruin it, but feel I need to ask before prom or other shot. And beyond all measure I want to ask Emily or someone for help, but I'm still messing that up aren't I, and they still we pissed, and I'm too damn afraid to fight jaded.

Fear fear fear! Why am I so damn afraid, why can't I do what ive always done, always preached? Sayhow I feel, if yes work with it, if no, that's fine, I'm movin on with life.

Why the he'll am I so afraid, what is so scary?

I like you. I want to say it. But I can't. Dammit.

You're my best friend. Both of you. I'm sorry. Ive saidthat but it won't fix anything.

Guess what is always said is true. It's a hollow empty word. And there is nothing I can do to make things right is there?

And also, I just wanna point out, I don't know who reads this, still don't know why I let any of you read it, but it's my blog, if our insulted or mad or sick of it or anything, don't read.

Wow where did that come from?

Even if it is hollow though, once again, I really am sorry for everything, even if this does nothing....he'll, doubt ya even read this eh?

Guess lives going on either way.

Looks like I am Maro, straight with no luck in love, and his issues he brings upon himself.

Heh. Night all. Let's hope lifes storm eases up. At worst wade it out another year and restart.

AlsO, gettin iPhone, that should be neat.

I really do wonder if some of you know how damn beautiful you are. God. I hate how many of you rag on yourselves. You guys are gorgeous. Even your flaws make you guys look better. Yet everyone judges themselves on impossible standards and measures. Idiots. Its sad how hard some of you are on yourselves...

Also. Laura walks like a bigger douchebag than Jeff maler is

Wooooow. I feared and felt bad about that? Some random bitch I literally had no idea on Facebook got added cause I though I knew her ( I'm bad with names, we all know this) and she never shuts up about her romance or something, like 6 posts a damn hour , so since she is one of the people who drove me crazy there I delete her.

And feel bad.

For deleting someone ive never spoken to and don't wish to.

Why?

I wish I went back to thinking everyone took things too hard, where wimps, and should just deal with it... Life is easier in black and white

give and take

Its all give and take. Ya know. so funny. I keep just...trading everything away for next shiny thing. Oh i lose something, lets replace it...soulessly...And I try to value everything highly? PAH. Im a hypocrite. I mean, can i even say i've fought as much as i should have for Emily? Alex? Anyone? I dont think so...Hell. What did i do when it got too scary, painful, and hard? oh hey, kasha and Hannah will talk and i havent fucked shit up with them yet...God i am awful with that. Why cant i fight harder, or even just say fucking hi.

And really, my confidence is getting mroe and more shot.

Though I think i am in the depression/apathy/mind fuck from no food and meds leaving.

But you know what is really fucking depressing me? Even if i make a joke, smile, laugh, shrug it off, perfectly understand every bit of why, and know my Dad is trying his best to prevent it...The fact that I may lose my job cause he got promoted is really upsetting me. I know it sounds odd...but the people there are my friends, I do like a few of them...and I know that it is one of the few reasons me and Laura are getting so close again, and having a workable friendship. If it disappeared...i know the friendship would fade some, like the others...

The saddest part...I know I am losing it. Dad says there is a chance, and all this stuff...But it is like every little time, when i just knew "Click, right there, the turning point. Its been decided" i just can tell...there it is. Its gonna disappear.

Bye money. Bye friends. Bye laughs, bye adorable people, bye sweet escape...

I dont know when it will happen. But I just know it will...

And dammit, it really helps me, ya know? Its normally so hard to talk to friends and other people...about anything. I mean hell. Here i am upset, sad, worried. And Alex, one of the few damn fucking people I trust, is right there to talk to. Instead I dont want to annoy her, I dont want to trouble, I dont want...I dont want to take risks and open up to anyone. I dont even know what is going on there. But at work, I just...feel like i have a place, even if some stupid little thing as a cashier, and I have fun talks with people, sure some suck shit, but overall it is not too bad. And I am really beginning to know what i am doing, and find things, and i feel like I could start up on the floor, and maybe get to stock or something, or do more than just cashier, but now...

Its going away from the looks of it...

God, please let me be wrong there. Please with everything going on. Let this be wrong...

but on other thought...Why am I closing so much? Why am I so unable to ask for help, or to just talk and confide in people. Am I still jealous or hurt or whatever? Am I that pathetic? Hah. God, so funny. The idiocy, irony, the everything of this.

Life is easy when ya know whats the issue, eh. Not as much when you still arent sure.

And losing confidence in YGO deck. Joy.

I....Have to think. Calm down. Do work too. I need to...Exist. Coexist. Learn and love....What the hell am i spouting, none of that makes sense.

I guess one other thing that is really fuckin everything up...Is how little I am sure of relating to beliefs. I am starting to view science with more fallacy, view religion with more sincerity and trust...

I dont know.

I feel alone.

Man I am a walkin stereotype, eh?

I guess nothin to do but the same ol same ol. Lets continue tryin to get it right...maybe somewhere along these lines ill succeed...

I think I can...

That was... Really great. So much fun. Such great time...

It's been so peaceful... Is it wrong I expect something really big to happen soon? Something bad?

Sickness makes me worse. I am annoying myself now >.<

But you know. What the he'll am I trying so hard to do? Impresss these random people, what the hell for? I dont gotta. Even if they are my friends.

I need to slow down, think, calm down, figure everything the fuck out.

And you know, I wonder, am I falling more in crush with the idea of romance than the person?

Hell lets just see how this all goes.

And there is nothing but cookie dough ice cream in house. I guess i know what i am eating today...good for sickness, right?

Blah blah. Gotta work on stuff and shit.

" and as always, not knowing what the he'll we where doing" god I love that quote. Scrubs describes me so perfectly.

God, I feel sick. So good sick. Ate whole large at 3rd. SOO WORTH IT. Morning pizza best.

But still feeling so messed up, except now it is like anxiety, all of which i cant pin down....

I guess part is i know how it will end...at least part. But I dont know what will go after.

You what is utterly terrifying about this. Unlike most recent bitching where I say it here, and it is now the blog, not me, and I can lose it... This is something I am not forgetting... God.

If I continue down this path alone, well.... I think I am killing myself. I will. Maybe not physically, but in the essence of who I am...I'm not sure which would be worse.

But can I even convince self to ask for help? Or accept any that comes? Or will I wear that same damn fake smile I always do.

Heh. I feel so spiteful at this point.

I want to curse you, you fucking lying bitch. but a this point, I still don't know who I am cursing...

So if you think you deserve me saying that to you, for any reason, go to hell

Ohwow, been a while since everything just came crashing it, and every bit of stress came bursting out to random friend I don't know too well yet... If only because I feel so sickened, confused, or think this is something I don't want any friends knowing...with all of this about everyone of those... I hope hannahs as reliable as she seems.... This could change everything.... I.... God I feel sick. Breakdowns of this caliber are fun

hahaha. So dreams decide to bring false hope on things i thought i was passed. And i still can barely eat without throwing it up -_- apparently not having anything in you from last 3 days is bad? Who knew!

When stressed everything is hilarious and focus goes bye bye

So lost focus halfway through simple research paper (come on, quit this, back back to work!) and now am goofing off.

But i dont know if sickness nad deadline are getting to me or if it is just my typical craziness, but in thinin bout romance I have to wonder...How fucking obvious must I be. I want to say I keep it secret, but my god, with all these ambigous things of "her" and "them" and "him" it is probably insanely obvious always. I mean my god, who am I kidding, I've always wore my heart on my sleeve, hell, has it ever been a damn surprise who i liked when i've liked people?

But i gotta wonder....Why is it that this time, unlike others, I refuse to talk about it or try for it. Last time with Emily and Laura I was completely direct, asked it simpley, and never hid how i felt....Do i fear how it turned out...

Or do i fear what i could do, or what I become?

Or is what i say of enjoying being single, and all that true?

Or do I truly fear how much I change, want to be changed, and will let myself be changed and influenced?

What is it i fear now...

I know!

I fear this essay >.<

Back to fucking work. also. McCarthy is an idiot. Andrew Wakefield is the biggest scum ever, rigth up with Glenn Beck, and as far as I am concerned the guy is a murderer.

SICKNESS RULES Not.

But kinda funny, i didnt realize how insanely pissed i seem to still be at rachel, said hi to laura, but nothing to her. Worse, i didnt realize or remember that i didnt see Rachel during break, and even worse, I didnt care that i didnt see or talk to her. And then i realized how sad it is I have gotten use to giving Laura reese xD though part is payment for rides since she refuses to accept money (one day Ill make you accept some damn cash laura xD) and because...well it is hilarious seeeing her face. Plus it keeps her from killing me, which she is more inclined to do, especially dealing with me hours upon hours at work. XD

But philosophy time. If you havent noticed, albeit a lot from G.L., I've been thinking about fear a lot recently. And i realize, one inhibition i have about going after that crush o mine, and trying to reconnect with those i have lost, adn fighting for those i hurt...Its because i fear them. Truly and utterly i fear you guys I want to get back with the most. I fear hurting you again. and most of all I fear you few because you are the only ones that still elicit so much feeling from me, only ones who can make me so unbelievably happy, so sad, so hurt, so self conscious.

Man, its strange, thinking about this stuff...How much everything is changing. I mean...I use to love being babied, having stuff to do, having a lifeline, now i hate it. But losing lifelines and safety nets i do have...scares the fuck out of me. I mean, work. I actually really like it, im taking pride, trying to get even better, i want to do more than just cashier there, i wanna be on the floor, help around, all that. And in part, I also dont want to just abuse Dad being the manager for this. I am trying to seperate from him, I dont want special treatment (though his special treatment is making sure i dont get favortism and treating me harder) and I dont want to be "the managers son" I want to be me. I want to succede or fall because of myself, and any help from Dad i want to be as a manager, or something i learned from him. But the idea i might lose dad as a safety net and lifeline (wont go into the explanation of this for a week or so, will explain then) (laura, dont ask me yet please, adn do not mention any part, even the idea of this at all) (or anyone else mention it, dont) scares me a bit. I mean, even if i am trying to seperate from dad...I still have that to fall back on if things go to fuck. But i dont want that. If i mess up there, i want to get in trouble like i deserve. I dont want to be like Deb's kids who get off sucking because of her, or Sam who gets off a bit from Ellen, or even Jessica who does a few things she shouldnt, though she is a great worker and person. (all managers and kids at store for uninformed,)

I dont know, it is kinda always like this. I start off needing to be a follower, then i try to become an equal...I mean hell I did it with Bren in the old Mystery dungeon boards. I idolized him and Shadow, those two where like my mentors, and good friends. I mean, when suddenly, randomly, I became leader of the team (really damn random then) I was confused, and first thing was made Bren a co leader, he accepted me into the team, helped me all the time, and then was like an idol. and right after that I allied with Shadows team (which had another close friend venom) (and yes, there was a complex political spectra in a pokemon faq boards) (it ruled) but slowly I took to feeling capable, learned, like I could actually lead, and view Bren as an equal rather than idol. Same as shadow.

Hell, I did it in YGO with kelly. The man was amazing to me, his blogs taught me to play Plants and helped so much. His word and Toms and Winstons helped me be better, they where idols supremely. But eventually i felt i learned enough and view them as equals...

But that is the issue. Once that happens, I need an idol. I always have tried to find or make idols. Be it fictional characters like Tommy from Power Rangers, or friends I knew like Ron...I've always needed one...

God, it is like scrubs.

And wow, wasn't this just to complain about being sick, and mention how I am more mad at rachel than i thought, side tracking powers go.

I wonder what will happen. I really do.

God, i could do more, but time to put this writing mood towards my essay. I CAN DO THIS

Kinda strange, how uncomfortable I am around my friends... I barely cut loose at whits... Why did I feel unwelcome and invasive... I didn't even hug anyone goodbye...I am about to cry.... Dammit what is wrong with me, god, please, what is wrong with me....why can't I fix this...