I just. Okay, so feel self goin halfways to breakdown. Find myself looking for things to feel offended and angered at. Trying not to let it control me, ventin to ben if need be.
But hrm, god. I feel as if i am trying to fall for some people at times. Or am i just developing small crushes? I mean, i guess it makes sense. I see them higher than others to a small degree, and get along well, etc. and with how my mind is acting it is obviously past just friendship in my head...
But it is nothing like with Laura or Emily. I know that for sure. And i am almost tempted to just try datin with them if they would, to hell with caution, protection, to hell with trying to make it something to last the ages, etc. just try to keep it casual and fun, like a lot of friendships with a few other benefits, and the ability to keep self from my mind and just have someone there...
But then i realize that I couldnt do it. And hate that about myself. I get too damn attached, and i cant handle casual. I take it all too seriously, and when i go into these kinda things I end up inadvertently searching for something that will last. Then it gets to the point where its not even a question to me on feelings, it just is, it is just odd...
And the other part realizes that i am once again turning them into fantasies in my head, putting them in ways that dont exist, putting them amongst false pretenses and illusions to give my mind an escape.
I will force my mind to stop doin that. And if life continues, and something developes, cool. If not. Well I will still just enjoy myself.
Gettin annoyed with random things. But oh well.
Glad Eclipse is working in Comp Sci, tehre is an odd calming and fun thing with programming. And a pride in getting the program to work. It is like making a good Yugioh deck...
And gettin much closer to Lee as time goes on. Odd. Not a complaint though.
And hrm, i meant to avoid whining and introspecting too much here.
Oh well. Tis my blog to do whatever with. So yeah...
NEW FORMAT TOMORROW *waves flag*
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
What to post about
Do i post about raging internal battles? The little escapes i am sure i am doin now to make self better, false illusions, hope, etc., nah. People are probably sick of that. And the more i give voice to those emotions, the more control they get. It is like a game, when i let fear and despair rule me, i play bad, keep calm head and i will do fine.
Do i talk about odd dreams and what they are implying? Nah.
Hate, confusion, etc., nah. I am gonna try to forget that.
How its gone to only Kasha and Rachel textin me constantly, and despite my best aims it seems that my friendships are fading, no matter how hard i keep trying to keep them going? Nah. That would lead to trouble in many ways. And just be he said she said.
Annoyance at hypocrites and other stuff, general statements aimed at specific people, or specific statements aimed at no one? Seems pointless.
Then what to talk about?
Not sure. I think body gettin use to meds, and not breaking down all the time now.
Enjoyin life for no real reason.
Been getting in a wierd mood where i want to create something. I just...Want to make some program, some story, something beautiful and amazing. I dunno. It is odd.
Lovin new deck.
Loving my sonic screwdriver.
Hrm. Feel sorry fro miguel, stuck between me and laura last period.
Finding it scary just how exact i find myself with J.D., it is so damn accurate at times...
Uhm. Still taking 4 week hiatus badly...
I guess that is all.
Do i talk about odd dreams and what they are implying? Nah.
Hate, confusion, etc., nah. I am gonna try to forget that.
How its gone to only Kasha and Rachel textin me constantly, and despite my best aims it seems that my friendships are fading, no matter how hard i keep trying to keep them going? Nah. That would lead to trouble in many ways. And just be he said she said.
Annoyance at hypocrites and other stuff, general statements aimed at specific people, or specific statements aimed at no one? Seems pointless.
Then what to talk about?
Not sure. I think body gettin use to meds, and not breaking down all the time now.
Enjoyin life for no real reason.
Been getting in a wierd mood where i want to create something. I just...Want to make some program, some story, something beautiful and amazing. I dunno. It is odd.
Lovin new deck.
Loving my sonic screwdriver.
Hrm. Feel sorry fro miguel, stuck between me and laura last period.
Finding it scary just how exact i find myself with J.D., it is so damn accurate at times...
Uhm. Still taking 4 week hiatus badly...
I guess that is all.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I dunno.
I feel i need to talk about how i am better, changing, etc. But god. That has to be getting annoying by now. But i am trying, I really am. I need to forget myself a little bit. Think how others would. Try to get past this. Who knows. Who knows.
So to solve everything in my own way, lets make cookies!
So to solve everything in my own way, lets make cookies!
Why am i loving school so much...
So i have only one or two classes with good good friends who i actually associate with and can talk to. I have had more than that each year and been depressed about it. But now, only Sociology do i really talk to friends. No time in other classes. And i am enjoying the classes, doing work, nad everything...
Why?
God...I wonder if i have distanced myself...
THough. Kinda funny. Last year i had about 6 people i enjoyed at lunch, Tay, Em, ben, claire, Lee, Hess. Most of the others annoyed me, or like Ria and laura went to other places usually. Then the year before i only had 3 people. This year i actually have a large amount of people at lunch to hang with. Odd.
But man. I think meds are really messin with me, or I do have some form of manic depression disorder or something.
But hrm, no idea what to do today. Or in general.
So...Yugioh!
Why?
God...I wonder if i have distanced myself...
THough. Kinda funny. Last year i had about 6 people i enjoyed at lunch, Tay, Em, ben, claire, Lee, Hess. Most of the others annoyed me, or like Ria and laura went to other places usually. Then the year before i only had 3 people. This year i actually have a large amount of people at lunch to hang with. Odd.
But man. I think meds are really messin with me, or I do have some form of manic depression disorder or something.
But hrm, no idea what to do today. Or in general.
So...Yugioh!
Friday, August 27, 2010
scruuubs, how i love thee. Even your depressing or odd moments.
Molly: I'm sorry, I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people and you're just too normal.
JD: [to himself] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.
JD: My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.
JD: [to himself] At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.
JD: Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.
Molly: Wow.
JD: [to himself] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.
JD: My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.
JD: [to himself] At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.
JD: Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.
Molly: Wow.
what did i do what did i do
Not much, uhm. Me and kim spent all period lookin at dresden stuff. Uhm. Parks apparently has a goal to insult us all at least once before year ends. Few other things. Yeah.
Who knows.
Who knows.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Could give some more long, ranty, detailed thing.
I could introspect, talk bout others or something. Buut. I really dun wanna. So i shall follow the bandwagon.\
Oh my epic mother of all that is good and sacred. God blessed epic One Piece. This skip will be epic.
But so long to wait...
Oh my epic mother of all that is good and sacred. God blessed epic One Piece. This skip will be epic.
But so long to wait...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Hrm. Storms in every sense be brewing...
Well. I just feel like...Something really dreadfully bad is coming up. And more hell is comin. I dunno. Hopefully it is just a feeling.
Growing a bit annoyed with how I am divided between cynical and hopeful views -_- Seriously mind. I understand that i need to stop being so serious whenever i entertain romance thoughts, need to stop searching solely for perfect person right off the back. That obviously ain't happening. and i know i need to stop focusing on a relationship now, it is probably pointless in the end, and more likely than no to end in high school. I need to stop getting worked up, and overdone about it all. I should enjoy my childhood with out trying to find the rest of my life, trying to grow up too fast, etc etc. And i know that most importantly i need to stop making the mistake Dresden makes too, and i need to be able to just enjoy something simply and casually... I know all this. I know it has validity, i know all these issues i am having, and all sorts of stuff...yet why am i finding myself going between yearning for it to hating it entirely. God. Why are emotions so damn confusing...
Bah, meant to not go into that. and leave it mulling about in my mind...Probably should delete...
Oh well.
But Meds are wearing off. Now getting introspective, saddening a bit, and tired adn grouchy.
But i am actually liking school this year. May be able to keep up and work with it all this year... I need to stop forgoing everything school for others. Need to buckle down and focus on this...
But ya know. I dunno. Gotta go with the flow of this. What happens happens. I cant let it get me down and break me...not anymore. I gotta be stronger and get past this. Better myself. I need to...
And one of the best quotes ever
"Relationships? Well Sigmund, relationships are so...fragile. It only takes one thing, one tiny little offense, and it can snowball on you. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, god forbid, you better be ready to tuck and go my friend.
And bam! The shines off the apple. And thats when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa here she comes" kind of man eater, I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dish towel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. But of course, I may have tormented her from time to time, but honest to God that's what I thought marriage was all about, so much so that by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more...her or me. I used to sit around and wonder why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other like we were. And there it turns out the answer's pretty simple. They weren't unhappy, we were.
Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."
Growing a bit annoyed with how I am divided between cynical and hopeful views -_- Seriously mind. I understand that i need to stop being so serious whenever i entertain romance thoughts, need to stop searching solely for perfect person right off the back. That obviously ain't happening. and i know i need to stop focusing on a relationship now, it is probably pointless in the end, and more likely than no to end in high school. I need to stop getting worked up, and overdone about it all. I should enjoy my childhood with out trying to find the rest of my life, trying to grow up too fast, etc etc. And i know that most importantly i need to stop making the mistake Dresden makes too, and i need to be able to just enjoy something simply and casually... I know all this. I know it has validity, i know all these issues i am having, and all sorts of stuff...yet why am i finding myself going between yearning for it to hating it entirely. God. Why are emotions so damn confusing...
Bah, meant to not go into that. and leave it mulling about in my mind...Probably should delete...
Oh well.
But Meds are wearing off. Now getting introspective, saddening a bit, and tired adn grouchy.
But i am actually liking school this year. May be able to keep up and work with it all this year... I need to stop forgoing everything school for others. Need to buckle down and focus on this...
But ya know. I dunno. Gotta go with the flow of this. What happens happens. I cant let it get me down and break me...not anymore. I gotta be stronger and get past this. Better myself. I need to...
And one of the best quotes ever
"Relationships? Well Sigmund, relationships are so...fragile. It only takes one thing, one tiny little offense, and it can snowball on you. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, god forbid, you better be ready to tuck and go my friend.
And bam! The shines off the apple. And thats when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa here she comes" kind of man eater, I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dish towel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. But of course, I may have tormented her from time to time, but honest to God that's what I thought marriage was all about, so much so that by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more...her or me. I used to sit around and wonder why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other like we were. And there it turns out the answer's pretty simple. They weren't unhappy, we were.
Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Ah the boost and the crash....I hate the crash
Also Emily, the emotions be PMS'ing, only cause saying PMS'y emotions is easier than emotions-sporadically-changing-in-seconds-based-off-of-little-things-that-should-not-affect-me-so-much-and-happening-every-few-hours.
Hrm. Good first day. Glad to be back on meds. Even with the crash they make me think better, feel better, adn act better.
Been getting really annoyed with some stuff of couples, romance, and all that. Tryin to push it away as my cynic/jealous/single side. Though some of it is quite valid. But despite myself i am skipping on elaborating on the pet peeves. Always ends with hurt feelings, fights, me feelin bad, things said in anger, etc. and because i know i do some of those things too. Even if i am annoyed by it.
Kinda sad bout somethings i have realized. And other such things.
Lets see. School is overall good this year.
first study hall. Yay sleep and such.
SEcond period with Chase (Who i am becoming good friends with 0.o times do change), lee (Who i am really startin to trust and like more), and a few others. Also me and chase got our same seats from Comp Sci
3rd was same teacher, seems fun, made me and chase move up, wont let us stay in our spot D:
4th Parks <3
5th looking fun, though Ria and Laura where arguining over who got to sit in front of me
6th. Spanish, eh. Not looking forward to it. Not retaining well at all.
7th. Seems fun, likin AP lit too.
Hrm. Trying to keep myself with enough hope in life to not kill myself, but trying to stop from getting too much hope and setting myself up for destruction.
This crash is makin rational thoughts hard...
Wrote a whole chapter of story. Gonna start 2/3 tomorrow maybe.
Uhm. Dunno. Most of second lunch peeps together sorta. Lots of first. Interestin lunch. Wish all the others got there too. Specially rachel, just aint the same without her D:
Ugh, cant think much more. This was supposed to be better. but yeah. Decent first day.
Hrm. Good first day. Glad to be back on meds. Even with the crash they make me think better, feel better, adn act better.
Been getting really annoyed with some stuff of couples, romance, and all that. Tryin to push it away as my cynic/jealous/single side. Though some of it is quite valid. But despite myself i am skipping on elaborating on the pet peeves. Always ends with hurt feelings, fights, me feelin bad, things said in anger, etc. and because i know i do some of those things too. Even if i am annoyed by it.
Kinda sad bout somethings i have realized. And other such things.
Lets see. School is overall good this year.
first study hall. Yay sleep and such.
SEcond period with Chase (Who i am becoming good friends with 0.o times do change), lee (Who i am really startin to trust and like more), and a few others. Also me and chase got our same seats from Comp Sci
3rd was same teacher, seems fun, made me and chase move up, wont let us stay in our spot D:
4th Parks <3
5th looking fun, though Ria and Laura where arguining over who got to sit in front of me
6th. Spanish, eh. Not looking forward to it. Not retaining well at all.
7th. Seems fun, likin AP lit too.
Hrm. Trying to keep myself with enough hope in life to not kill myself, but trying to stop from getting too much hope and setting myself up for destruction.
This crash is makin rational thoughts hard...
Wrote a whole chapter of story. Gonna start 2/3 tomorrow maybe.
Uhm. Dunno. Most of second lunch peeps together sorta. Lots of first. Interestin lunch. Wish all the others got there too. Specially rachel, just aint the same without her D:
Ugh, cant think much more. This was supposed to be better. but yeah. Decent first day.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Hrm, mroe random catch up
So school work still not done. WIll do soon >.>
Uhm. Hannah is downright adorable now. Like Evan, Haley, adn my cousins. She is not just pretty kinda thing, but small animal cute >.> I want to go "Awwww" Adn hug her now.
Uhm. Lions was pretty damn fun to be honest. Not even much crazy period. And that hill was an amazing spot. I loved it so much.
Uhm. PMSy emotions still being annoying.
Starting to work to hang with friends more. Twas lotsa fun today. THOUGH CASEY WONT GIVE ME CAIUS!
Uhm. Yeah. Not much else. New year will be...interesting. To say the least.
Uhm. Hannah is downright adorable now. Like Evan, Haley, adn my cousins. She is not just pretty kinda thing, but small animal cute >.> I want to go "Awwww" Adn hug her now.
Uhm. Lions was pretty damn fun to be honest. Not even much crazy period. And that hill was an amazing spot. I loved it so much.
Uhm. PMSy emotions still being annoying.
Starting to work to hang with friends more. Twas lotsa fun today. THOUGH CASEY WONT GIVE ME CAIUS!
Uhm. Yeah. Not much else. New year will be...interesting. To say the least.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
long post deleted D:
damn ds. up with insomnia.
feelin good bout self. though i feel like my being happy is hurtin others and feel guuilt. fucked up.
though fact that everyone went from 100+ texts a day to nothing with me is helping me feel guilty...
oh well. cant let life get in way of livin ja?
forgoing romance in interest of friendship with all peeps.
uhm. dunno. dun wanna retype all.
uh. 2 oclock, my place, today, yugioh party. come play, learn, or just come to see friends to be honest xD
feelin good bout self. though i feel like my being happy is hurtin others and feel guuilt. fucked up.
though fact that everyone went from 100+ texts a day to nothing with me is helping me feel guilty...
oh well. cant let life get in way of livin ja?
forgoing romance in interest of friendship with all peeps.
uhm. dunno. dun wanna retype all.
uh. 2 oclock, my place, today, yugioh party. come play, learn, or just come to see friends to be honest xD
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Yay PMS'y emotions
Goin from clinacaally depressed to carefree happy. Always round 9 i go a bit insane.
But god. This hill to just lay and watch the moon, see the stars, admire the crickets' song, lay in wet grass...It is gorgeous. One of the most beautiful sights ever. Around 9 (without realizing the time xD) i have headed over each night of festival. I love it. One of the best places i have ever seen.
I really am gettin to be a nature lover mroe and more recently
And funny. the only thing i feel so truly in control, excelling, in the know, nad like i can do it and be good is cards. I have indecision and issues with everything else in life...Cards i just know them. Love them. Feel confident. Only thing i dont feel inferior with.
But god. This hill to just lay and watch the moon, see the stars, admire the crickets' song, lay in wet grass...It is gorgeous. One of the most beautiful sights ever. Around 9 (without realizing the time xD) i have headed over each night of festival. I love it. One of the best places i have ever seen.
I really am gettin to be a nature lover mroe and more recently
And funny. the only thing i feel so truly in control, excelling, in the know, nad like i can do it and be good is cards. I have indecision and issues with everything else in life...Cards i just know them. Love them. Feel confident. Only thing i dont feel inferior with.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Odd
Though still goin insane in many ways, i have realized i really like how i look. Haven't liked how i looked for ages 0.o
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Ha.
You know. I am overthinking, over worrying, dreading, hoping, obsessing, caring. I need to stop.
It is like the lily allen song, "Let's just see how it goes" The song describes this. Lets go with it.
But man. 11th grade is looking a lot like 9th. Hell first period study hall 4th period Parks. Exactly. Amongst other things.
It is like the lily allen song, "Let's just see how it goes" The song describes this. Lets go with it.
But man. 11th grade is looking a lot like 9th. Hell first period study hall 4th period Parks. Exactly. Amongst other things.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Haha, fun
Thanks for the blizzard-shake Laura~
But man, the less i see the more i know, the more i know the farther i let it go. But god. Intuiton is tellin me lots...Dunno if i should act or not, or what to do. Still sorta confused. But i wont just ignore it like usual. Lets just see how this goes.
And in other news...
LIFE I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL
But man, the less i see the more i know, the more i know the farther i let it go. But god. Intuiton is tellin me lots...Dunno if i should act or not, or what to do. Still sorta confused. But i wont just ignore it like usual. Lets just see how this goes.
And in other news...
LIFE I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL
Sunday, August 15, 2010
ugh
why does one small thing still get to me. One stupid word. One stupid idea. All these little things. GRow up me.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Ugh, get past all this random shit mind. I command thee!
You know. I wish i had Geass. I could just look in a mirror and command all this random crap that should not affect me to stop affecting me...Amongst other things.
But got yugioh back. Thank the lord. I needed it bad...
But got yugioh back. Thank the lord. I needed it bad...
Friday, August 13, 2010
PHrm.
No idea. On outside looking in. Just kinda lost and wandering about. Kinda like my walk. I needed something, no idea what, needed to move, go somewhere, but i wandered about pointlessly. Oh well.
Also. Paramore concert=the shit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7j2uWvFKyr4&feature=related
Also. Paramore concert=the shit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7j2uWvFKyr4&feature=related
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Weeee
Good day. Riding bike in rain makes everything great, feels great, won a shinx, sorta stole sorta got back phone, got BK, yah.
wee story
chapter 1 (part of it)
She was positively unremarkable in every sense. She had simple straight blond hair, while also being of a completely normal in height, the only thing that was even close to remarkable was her gifted size when it came to her, uh, eyes. Her large eyes. At least, I thought that was all that was remarkable and special about her. I was proved very wrong as I walked by her and felt the uncommon, and horribly terrifying attraction to her. She was far from ordinary, very far from it, she was something that is one of the few things I fear; she was a Mystic.
Allow me to explain. It is quite necessary for this journal to reveal the truth to the world, and explain how all of this came to be, in a way that makes sense beyond the normal way of rationalizing everything. Now I live in the same world as all of you who will read this, except I am aware and part of a world that is one of myth, or of so called myths. There are gods, demons, and creatures of which science and logic have no rational explanation. People of powers, or myth and lore with great powers and more, or their children, those are the people (or in some cases beings) that have the title “Mystic” and lived in a side of the world that everyone else pretends is just stories.
All of it is real. Then to top it off between all of us who have not had our energy sealed (Or aura, life force, soul, chi, chakra, or whatever you wish to call it) we give off a small distinctive force, something that is just innately recognized, the “attraction”. To offset this and prevent anyone who wishes Mystics ill will (super humans are not well treated) we have our energy sealed when it starts to reveal itself, and us, around the age we come into puberty. Usually the sealing is done by a parent or someone trusted.
Yet this girl had her energy flaring, vibrant, and strong. She was much too old to be letting it flare that strong, yet it was powerful enough to act as a beacon of sorts. She was much too old -- and powerful-- to let that kind of energy be out in the open.
I did the only thing I could do in a situation like that. I went up to her with a smile and tapped her shoulder. As she turned to look at me I saw that she had a round face with two small dark blue eyes, and tightly pursed pair of lips, and a small nose to compliment her overall smallness. Turning her gaze up towards me, then in a remarkably normal voice questioned, “Yes?”
Looking to her I held out a hand and introduced myself, “I am Ernesto Dii, and I thought I have seen you around before, and I wanted to know if you would mind going to get a cup of coffee with me.”
She looked at me strangely, which was to be expected. Deep in thought she was considering it thoughtfully, which I had found quite irritating to wait for. Finally I cracked and to speed it up I slowly concentrated and let some of my energy leak out to alert her to what I really was. Her eyes lit up in sudden recognition and fear, though she tried hard to hide it.
Trying vainly she started to pull away, but I grabbed her shoulder lightly, “I am not here to hurt you, I just want to talk,” I told her simply, then gave a small bow, “And I do want to get you some coffee.”
She was positively unremarkable in every sense. She had simple straight blond hair, while also being of a completely normal in height, the only thing that was even close to remarkable was her gifted size when it came to her, uh, eyes. Her large eyes. At least, I thought that was all that was remarkable and special about her. I was proved very wrong as I walked by her and felt the uncommon, and horribly terrifying attraction to her. She was far from ordinary, very far from it, she was something that is one of the few things I fear; she was a Mystic.
Allow me to explain. It is quite necessary for this journal to reveal the truth to the world, and explain how all of this came to be, in a way that makes sense beyond the normal way of rationalizing everything. Now I live in the same world as all of you who will read this, except I am aware and part of a world that is one of myth, or of so called myths. There are gods, demons, and creatures of which science and logic have no rational explanation. People of powers, or myth and lore with great powers and more, or their children, those are the people (or in some cases beings) that have the title “Mystic” and lived in a side of the world that everyone else pretends is just stories.
All of it is real. Then to top it off between all of us who have not had our energy sealed (Or aura, life force, soul, chi, chakra, or whatever you wish to call it) we give off a small distinctive force, something that is just innately recognized, the “attraction”. To offset this and prevent anyone who wishes Mystics ill will (super humans are not well treated) we have our energy sealed when it starts to reveal itself, and us, around the age we come into puberty. Usually the sealing is done by a parent or someone trusted.
Yet this girl had her energy flaring, vibrant, and strong. She was much too old to be letting it flare that strong, yet it was powerful enough to act as a beacon of sorts. She was much too old -- and powerful-- to let that kind of energy be out in the open.
I did the only thing I could do in a situation like that. I went up to her with a smile and tapped her shoulder. As she turned to look at me I saw that she had a round face with two small dark blue eyes, and tightly pursed pair of lips, and a small nose to compliment her overall smallness. Turning her gaze up towards me, then in a remarkably normal voice questioned, “Yes?”
Looking to her I held out a hand and introduced myself, “I am Ernesto Dii, and I thought I have seen you around before, and I wanted to know if you would mind going to get a cup of coffee with me.”
She looked at me strangely, which was to be expected. Deep in thought she was considering it thoughtfully, which I had found quite irritating to wait for. Finally I cracked and to speed it up I slowly concentrated and let some of my energy leak out to alert her to what I really was. Her eyes lit up in sudden recognition and fear, though she tried hard to hide it.
Trying vainly she started to pull away, but I grabbed her shoulder lightly, “I am not here to hurt you, I just want to talk,” I told her simply, then gave a small bow, “And I do want to get you some coffee.”
Thank you storm
You help me get out of the funk i have been in. <3 rain.
And tomorrow be Paramore concert con mi padre y mi tio <3
And tomorrow be Paramore concert con mi padre y mi tio <3
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Congrats KTR
YOU ARE MANAGING TO BE GOOD AGAIN!
And i hate hate hate hate having to download every chapter i want to read.
And i hate hate hate hate having to download every chapter i want to read.
I'm being taken over by the fear...
God i love that song.
But it is kinda true. I guess i just am fearing so much, and for some reason even if i know otherwise...I just can't grasp things. I feel so alone, like i don't fit in with most friends, i am always the odd one out, always third, always least important, always the unimportant extra...At least that is how it feels. Even though i know differently...But i mean, hell. I still just feel so damn unimportant, no one ever just wants to hang out with me. The last non-party time i just hung out with friends? When Whit came over when she was stayin at Hess'es house. I guess this little inferiority complex is why i was so damn ecstatic when laura and Ria suggested us three just hang out to explore my woods and have fun together. Like old times whenever we went to Laura's before i fucked so much up. I really hope we do hang, just so i can feel...hell, just to feel something beyond what i am.
But i am almost tempted to just stop it all, stop insults, fears, worries, bothering people, scaring, planning, arguing, cussing, everything. Stop being...start existing...
Hell. Who the hell am i even kidding. I am just scared like i always have been. Deathly afraid of more pain, of hurting others, of myself, of all the stuff in life. And i want to take the cowards way out, by becoming nothing, hiding from everything...
I hate myself. I really do. I should not be like this...
Why am i like this, why do small things knock me on my ass so much...
What is wrong with me...
But it is kinda true. I guess i just am fearing so much, and for some reason even if i know otherwise...I just can't grasp things. I feel so alone, like i don't fit in with most friends, i am always the odd one out, always third, always least important, always the unimportant extra...At least that is how it feels. Even though i know differently...But i mean, hell. I still just feel so damn unimportant, no one ever just wants to hang out with me. The last non-party time i just hung out with friends? When Whit came over when she was stayin at Hess'es house. I guess this little inferiority complex is why i was so damn ecstatic when laura and Ria suggested us three just hang out to explore my woods and have fun together. Like old times whenever we went to Laura's before i fucked so much up. I really hope we do hang, just so i can feel...hell, just to feel something beyond what i am.
But i am almost tempted to just stop it all, stop insults, fears, worries, bothering people, scaring, planning, arguing, cussing, everything. Stop being...start existing...
Hell. Who the hell am i even kidding. I am just scared like i always have been. Deathly afraid of more pain, of hurting others, of myself, of all the stuff in life. And i want to take the cowards way out, by becoming nothing, hiding from everything...
I hate myself. I really do. I should not be like this...
Why am i like this, why do small things knock me on my ass so much...
What is wrong with me...
Monday, August 9, 2010
Stuck between past and the future, and therein lies the issue.
The more i realize it, the more i am finding that a ton of my conflictions are not from any true issue, but a indecision on who i want to be, where i want to be, and the past and the future.
I won't lie, i have a image of the kinda person i want to be (*cough*Maro*cough*) and I slightly worry about it. I try lightly to work towards it.
But recently i don't know any more what i truly want. Do i want to go back way to the past, do i want to be the cynic who didn't believe in love, thought all romance our age was doomed to fail, thought being close to people was just going to lead to pain, all that? Those thoughts have all been gainin some more say in recent times. Or do i want to be that silly boy dating Jess just to try it, to see what dating is like? Do i want to be the horrible person i was around that time, hating everything. Do i want to be the silly kid doting on laura, spending two years feeling something special, thinking i found something few will ever find, and slowly going from a cynic to hopeful, and wanting to get her from a cynic to the one i wanted...Or the one who lost everything he worked hard for and leaned on the friend who he use to never care for, and then slowly realizing that the girl who had practically stalked him was making him fall in love with her just as much...Or do i want to be the broken hermit, who just gave up and quit on everything...Or do i want to be Maro. Do i want to look on this with a smile, a laugh, shrug it off, say "Was good eh?" and continue on with life, enjoying it fully just to enjoy life. Taking every little thing as if it was the last thing he would see.
But Maro has Shiro...And he dies.
You know. That would be interesting, i want a near death experience to put everything in perspective...
But god. I realized how much of bullshit everything i do is. The Ego, the surity, the lack of fear. Who the hell am i kidding. When i say i am hot, that is me trying to hide how little i think of my looks. When i talk a big game on something, yeah, i think i suck, a lot. Talk about things i am good at, yeah, I really think i suck at them, and am trying vainly to convince myself that i have something. Hell. I find myself lessening myself in every way with every one of my friends. Looks? Forget it, Taylor and others are all better and will be better. Gaming skills, please, Clint and ben are so better. Writing? Emily and others kick my ass at it. Reading? Laura is way better. Everything, well, someone i am friends with probably is better, or has something that is unique or talented to them. Something amazing, the ability to create something. Music, writing, art, something. Me, I got nothing beyond yugioh, and that is hardly an art.
And i realized this from driving. I talked about it pretty big, but as i started with dad, even with his encouragement...I found it almost overwhelming. I was scared, truly, deathly afraid. If i messed up it was huge. It was terrifying. And i already can't decide anything, afraid i could mess everything up, and i start getting nervous, fearful, and i start joking to try and make things better, i overexplain and say the wrong thing. But with driving...Don't have that option. It scared me senseless. Some people are ecstatic about it...I am scared. But i like it. Takes every bit of me to do, focuses me...and Dad made me seem like i was able to do it. I need this.
But yeah...No point in this really.
Oh! Marions giant sale till 11th=THE SHIT. Large pizza, two bucks. Greatest. Thing. Ever.
I won't lie, i have a image of the kinda person i want to be (*cough*Maro*cough*) and I slightly worry about it. I try lightly to work towards it.
But recently i don't know any more what i truly want. Do i want to go back way to the past, do i want to be the cynic who didn't believe in love, thought all romance our age was doomed to fail, thought being close to people was just going to lead to pain, all that? Those thoughts have all been gainin some more say in recent times. Or do i want to be that silly boy dating Jess just to try it, to see what dating is like? Do i want to be the horrible person i was around that time, hating everything. Do i want to be the silly kid doting on laura, spending two years feeling something special, thinking i found something few will ever find, and slowly going from a cynic to hopeful, and wanting to get her from a cynic to the one i wanted...Or the one who lost everything he worked hard for and leaned on the friend who he use to never care for, and then slowly realizing that the girl who had practically stalked him was making him fall in love with her just as much...Or do i want to be the broken hermit, who just gave up and quit on everything...Or do i want to be Maro. Do i want to look on this with a smile, a laugh, shrug it off, say "Was good eh?" and continue on with life, enjoying it fully just to enjoy life. Taking every little thing as if it was the last thing he would see.
But Maro has Shiro...And he dies.
You know. That would be interesting, i want a near death experience to put everything in perspective...
But god. I realized how much of bullshit everything i do is. The Ego, the surity, the lack of fear. Who the hell am i kidding. When i say i am hot, that is me trying to hide how little i think of my looks. When i talk a big game on something, yeah, i think i suck, a lot. Talk about things i am good at, yeah, I really think i suck at them, and am trying vainly to convince myself that i have something. Hell. I find myself lessening myself in every way with every one of my friends. Looks? Forget it, Taylor and others are all better and will be better. Gaming skills, please, Clint and ben are so better. Writing? Emily and others kick my ass at it. Reading? Laura is way better. Everything, well, someone i am friends with probably is better, or has something that is unique or talented to them. Something amazing, the ability to create something. Music, writing, art, something. Me, I got nothing beyond yugioh, and that is hardly an art.
And i realized this from driving. I talked about it pretty big, but as i started with dad, even with his encouragement...I found it almost overwhelming. I was scared, truly, deathly afraid. If i messed up it was huge. It was terrifying. And i already can't decide anything, afraid i could mess everything up, and i start getting nervous, fearful, and i start joking to try and make things better, i overexplain and say the wrong thing. But with driving...Don't have that option. It scared me senseless. Some people are ecstatic about it...I am scared. But i like it. Takes every bit of me to do, focuses me...and Dad made me seem like i was able to do it. I need this.
But yeah...No point in this really.
Oh! Marions giant sale till 11th=THE SHIT. Large pizza, two bucks. Greatest. Thing. Ever.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
OKAY GOOD MOOD GONE, EFF YOU THINKGEEK
So. I wait and wait for the Sonic screwdriver to be in stock, so i can order it and hte cookie jar together. Then guess what. The cookie jar got out of stock as screwdriver came in stock T_T WHY
Haven't snuck on in a while.
So, been trying to work on discipline and finding myself through all this. And got two hours of freedom today...just the right amount.
I mean, ugh. It's been really odd. I've finally severed the connection to needing contact, to having to talk to the specific people to keep sane and such. But i am afraid i severed it too much so i wouldn't want to or be able to even keep contact with anyone or care enough. Luckily that pessimistic voice failed out and i kept sorta normal at ben's.
But...Ugh. I am overreading a lot, overthinking, taking small things as big things, taking small snide comments or tones as something huge. But god, why is it when i feel like i finally am finding myself, finally getting it right, finally getting past the bad emotions and becoming better...like a few people are just not caring, like i have become a piece of useless nothing to them. But i am probably overthinking...I mean, i always end up thinking those whose opinions i value most are treating me like that. Hell, it is how i became petty and stupid and ruined a lot between me and laura and me and clint...
But god...Everything of the past i have done is really getting to me...Disrespect, anger, jealousy, fear, cowardice...lack of control...Ugh. Even with those i thought i kept it in check with best, and wanted to make a good impression on i didn't...Even if no one else thinks of it anymore i still am thinking about it. Every little argument the past summer, small things i did years ago...All of it i am still hating myself for.
Man. I am so close to getting past this all...But I hate that i am letting my cynicism and pessimism win out more. I feel myself falling to old habits i hated...I feel old cynicism and ideas taking more power in my mind than before.
Hell. I don't know anymore.
But god damn, i am sure of one thing. I really love ben and whitney. Ben...God me and him speak everything and just seeing him alone durin party...I won't deny, i am kinda teary in sentimental sappiness at the moment. He has changed and grown so much, he has become so damn awesome, and no matter what he always is having my back and bein a friend, and he somehow knows just how to keep me happy and be there, without trying. I hope i see him more in school...I keep from letting those damn devils taking over when he is helpin me. But damn, glad to see ya, and even if you probably don't read. I love ya ben, happy birthday.
And god, i really missed whit. It just makes me smile how she is. And i really needed a good hug. Not one of those crappy hugs just to be polite. A true damn, honest to goodness caring hug. Where it is tight and it seems like that person means something to you, no romance or lust or anything, just caring. Only Kasha and whit give those nowadays.
And it was good seein Alex again, I love the simple fun in hangin with her. Like a sister i never wanted. But made party more fun. And Alex, sorry i will be unable to hang more with ya this week, my bad xD
But ya know, I am stuck brooding on the bad of everything, when i should realize the old philosophies i had that i haven't been payin much attention to. I mean...Me and Laura are just like before we dated. I mean, we had gotten past all the issues a while back, but only recently have we really just been able to goof around, be chummy and act like old times.
But god, I may finally be getting somewhere. And if i have to give up the old, go for the new, or grab at older. So be it. I just gotta nut up or shut up.
And just forget it all. Let everything mean nothing, stop trying so hard, and getting hopes up to get them crushed. Most of my issues stem from tryin so hard and risking too much. Gotta play it like yugioh. Play safe, careful, and don't overextend. When i get confident, or happy, be always double checking and careful completely, that is when you mess up and be the stupidest you can be.
But man, i needed this. Twas fun.
I mean, ugh. It's been really odd. I've finally severed the connection to needing contact, to having to talk to the specific people to keep sane and such. But i am afraid i severed it too much so i wouldn't want to or be able to even keep contact with anyone or care enough. Luckily that pessimistic voice failed out and i kept sorta normal at ben's.
But...Ugh. I am overreading a lot, overthinking, taking small things as big things, taking small snide comments or tones as something huge. But god, why is it when i feel like i finally am finding myself, finally getting it right, finally getting past the bad emotions and becoming better...like a few people are just not caring, like i have become a piece of useless nothing to them. But i am probably overthinking...I mean, i always end up thinking those whose opinions i value most are treating me like that. Hell, it is how i became petty and stupid and ruined a lot between me and laura and me and clint...
But god...Everything of the past i have done is really getting to me...Disrespect, anger, jealousy, fear, cowardice...lack of control...Ugh. Even with those i thought i kept it in check with best, and wanted to make a good impression on i didn't...Even if no one else thinks of it anymore i still am thinking about it. Every little argument the past summer, small things i did years ago...All of it i am still hating myself for.
Man. I am so close to getting past this all...But I hate that i am letting my cynicism and pessimism win out more. I feel myself falling to old habits i hated...I feel old cynicism and ideas taking more power in my mind than before.
Hell. I don't know anymore.
But god damn, i am sure of one thing. I really love ben and whitney. Ben...God me and him speak everything and just seeing him alone durin party...I won't deny, i am kinda teary in sentimental sappiness at the moment. He has changed and grown so much, he has become so damn awesome, and no matter what he always is having my back and bein a friend, and he somehow knows just how to keep me happy and be there, without trying. I hope i see him more in school...I keep from letting those damn devils taking over when he is helpin me. But damn, glad to see ya, and even if you probably don't read. I love ya ben, happy birthday.
And god, i really missed whit. It just makes me smile how she is. And i really needed a good hug. Not one of those crappy hugs just to be polite. A true damn, honest to goodness caring hug. Where it is tight and it seems like that person means something to you, no romance or lust or anything, just caring. Only Kasha and whit give those nowadays.
And it was good seein Alex again, I love the simple fun in hangin with her. Like a sister i never wanted. But made party more fun. And Alex, sorry i will be unable to hang more with ya this week, my bad xD
But ya know, I am stuck brooding on the bad of everything, when i should realize the old philosophies i had that i haven't been payin much attention to. I mean...Me and Laura are just like before we dated. I mean, we had gotten past all the issues a while back, but only recently have we really just been able to goof around, be chummy and act like old times.
But god, I may finally be getting somewhere. And if i have to give up the old, go for the new, or grab at older. So be it. I just gotta nut up or shut up.
And just forget it all. Let everything mean nothing, stop trying so hard, and getting hopes up to get them crushed. Most of my issues stem from tryin so hard and risking too much. Gotta play it like yugioh. Play safe, careful, and don't overextend. When i get confident, or happy, be always double checking and careful completely, that is when you mess up and be the stupidest you can be.
But man, i needed this. Twas fun.
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