random musings

You know, I caer, honestly, I still care. Yet from that i care about myself that i feel if i let myself care for others i will hurt them...or hurt myself. So i try to push them away like i have been, god, half my relationships, nah, most all, have gone to hell now.

And it kills. Not like I said it wouldnt. Damn. Hell, if for christmas i could get the summer before last back, i'd take it in an instant...Actually. No. I would still be horrible, at least now i am doing something good. Trying to better myself...Sorta...

But you know, isnt this kinda an obvious thing? I mean, all the years i hated on clint, or scott, or tay, or anyone who let me down or threw me away...Well how muhc of it was truly me longing nad wanting for them.

Guess i am still doing that.

But you know. Even if i just want a second chance with everyone for christmas (though i guess it is higher) I need to realize that i am way past the ability to get those. Man up and accept consequences of my actions.

But I really need to cheer up, life is going good, right?

Though i have been finding that i am breaking out to random fits where i am just more angry than usual, unlike where i use to get depressed and anti social...Just really fucking pissed.

Also anyone who decides to work in retail, dont start round the holidays.

Yugioh has absorbed all parts of my paychecks that i have kept for myself so far? How sad is that?

Me and ben want to do a Reaper- Neku cosplay xDDDD

Man, i kinda miss this...

Oh, i guess i spent money on Mi Esposa's gift. (Oops, apostraphe in spanish, mrs. young would kill me)

RAIN~ Off to dance in it!

Hrm....

How is it i feel so alone?

Because you push everyone away.

True...

God, you coulda spent this day, trying to make things right, trying to talk to everyone. Hell, you coulda spent a lot of time doing that.

Yeah...

Yet you spent it just watching scrubs and playing pikmin. Isnt this like, exactly what you do all the time?

Er...Yeah...


And hell. You really are messed up since you are here talking to yourself again.

Hey. I do this all the time.

True...Which is bad?

Oh. Shit.

My god. Do you even have a purpose or reasoning here?

Uhm. I dunno. To remember that in one day i beat Pikmin and it only took 22 in game days?

That is the biggest accomplishment you've had in a while isnt it?

Sadly...

God, you have a really repetitive life now. Even your convos with other people are pathetically repetive. You are so dull and lifeless after a short while. When ya gonna live kid?

Sometime. Sometime.

And are you ever gonna quit playing dreaming of you?


ER...No. Its only my....20th play?

you've done it like 50 if not 100 times.

>.> Dont judge me

We all are. We all are.

Damn...

Mind still in turmoil...Realizing how guilty i feel over all this, and how much i love some even though i try to pretened i dont....Realizing some people i have slowly been losing caring for...trying to figure everything out. And i got sick and threw up. So not helping.

I guess i shall have a new resolve. I am saying fuck it to posting how i wont make it, or how i will, etc. etc. etc. I am only human, and going through...whatever the fuck this is. I really dont know. Instead i will just live. Yeah, shitsux, and yeah, some things are amazing, but ill get through it in the end, this whole thing is me being a melodramatic ass...

i'm sorry...

Guess i should eat and sleep, hopefully i am not actually getting sick. That would not be fun.

What am I doing...

Am i searching for self pity...reaffirmation...self hatred...forced penance...

Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell dont...

But dammit why cant i stay consistent...

One day I hate eeverything...then i become so pathetically clingy that I need people...other days i have more confidence than ever...then none whatsoever...

God. I wish i left this private...

God damn. How is it whenever left alone i get like this. Talk to people ten minutes i feel better...

I just dont get anything anymore. I am just not satisfied with anything. And obviously trying to remain optimistic and when getting pessimistic post it here in a hope of regaining optimism wont work...

I just dont know how i feel now. Or ever.

And what is worse...I dont remember how i felt any other time before. I dont remember how i felt that first time I told Laura i loved her. How i felt the days where I was feeling crappy and the cousins cheered me up. How i felt at sugoi hanging with Alex. How i felt Doing good on anything. How i felt after being dumped. I cant even remember how i felt or what i did yesterday...

God I need to work this out...

Take a break maybe...That is the one piece of advice everyone has told me on other stuff, im trying too hard, need to take a break, calm down, etc...

I always said i gotta try, or i am running away. Maybe i need to run...

I just dont know. But to everyone...I guess i deserve hate...anger, all that. But to all who have threatened to stop reading my blog, that part i dont care one flying fuck about. Even in my surest times. This is for me, why I havent privated it is still a mystery. But I use it for me, not you guys.

Heh. But alex, What the hell happened to me...Aint that the million dollar question.

It looks like ive just gone back to good ol' "things looking up, you cant be happy, self sabotague time" >.<

WTB reset button. 100 gold.

Wow. Really. So my new minecraft world gets fucked. I cant even have an escapist pleasure. God. Fucking hell. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I AM SICK OF THIS SICK OF EVERYTHING SICK OF EVERYONE

GOD DAMMIT

And fucking hell people are around so i cant just fucking scream. And this is not helpful at all. And you know. I am trying the whole time "Just text so and so" to try and get help, try adn feel something, but ya know, it is at the point cynic side is winning.

I dont think i will last.

Heh...god i really am horrible. I dont care about anyone do i...I say love, i try to talk...Hell i barely try. I use to text everyone, but now i barely do. I gave up. On so much...I am really just hiding, staying to myself. Everyone is expandable. they are people. Nothing to me...heh, i have just been trying to fool myself into caring havent i...

Or do i still care...and just fear? God. I dont know...

Yet i still am hiding...Still more alone than ever...God...I dont care....

about myself...about anyone else...

I am still just hiding...

I still hate myself...

Nothing is changing. God. I never change. I am so damn pathetic. Why do i bother. I should just leave everyone alone, that would make everything easier.

Heh. God. So pathetic.

And even with all this...Ill still pretend to care...still pretend every bit, deny it every time someone asks me what is wrong...Try so hard to convince everyone else, no, myself, that i feel...That i am a human...Not the little monster...

And then it will crash as i realize it was still a ruse.

And god. Portal 2 talk is annoying the shit out of me. Portal in general. It has been getting overdone on my geek sites. Turrets annoy me. Cake ingredients are fucking retarded. Glados is not that amusing, the gameplay is only good thing. The rest sucks. Yeah. I said it. I only like the gameplay of portal. I hate everything else. Even glados. Even the cake. Yeah. I fucking went there.

Go to hell everything. Just so it can be me attacking you all. So you can be mad at me. Cause guess what, you should be. I sure am...

Whatever. I dont know what in the hell i was hoping to do with this blog, it is not even making me feel better. But I cant even fucking talk to alex or ben or shawn anymore, so this place is the only fucking place i can trust. Because i guess it is not fucking real.

Heh. I cant wait to escape this town somehow. Then i can just disappear. Ill probbaly lose touch with everyone...oh well.

I really wish i moved.

Eh. Damn locked out. Bah. Scrubs time. Oooh. Relationship episode...

cant even write anything anymore...

And there is the breaking point...the tears...the hypocrisy...

Heh. Talk to me talk to me open to me trust me. Yet i cant do the same for anyone. God. I am pathetic.

I am sorry lee...

Sorry everyone...

in general, shitsux. Kthx.

I just...dammit no control...so stupid...so urgh...so need to eat and do what i should...Bleh. In a mood...

Get. The. Fuck. Over. Yourself. God dammit what the fuck is your problem. God. How can you even think you deserve to think about any shit like this, how can you think you deserve to ride such a fucking pity train. Your friends are going through such horrible things and you are complaining so much. Except to no one but your fucking voices. God. You know, your friends would probably be comforted if you actually freaking talked to them, but no, god, do you even trust them anymore? Cause i don't think you do. Actually, no, you dont trust yourself. Or is it worse than that? I think it is...you are no longer thinking people are or where ashamed of you, hell, you are doing it for them and are ashamed of yourself.

God. You know, maybe if you fucking listened to advice, listened to what laura said (thereby avoiding half the fucking problems you've had) or what your dad has said you would have no issues. I mean. Dear lord, if you learned moderation like your dad said you'd be better off. But no, you will fucking obsess over something to the point it irks everyone, you included. Or you try so overly hard rather than small, gradual, and good. Or you do the opposite and do too little. It is always one extreme or the other. You fucking obsess about one person for two weeks, or game, or anything, nad hurt, exclude, or ignore those you care about. God. Hell, if you moderated on all of this you'd be so much better off.

But no. You cant fucking get control. Cant follow Laura's advice. Or Dad's. Or even your own fucking advice. Maybe if you did you would not be feeling empty and shallow, you'd still have some of that confidence you had, maybe you would not spend and hour or two hating yourself, belittling yourself, dying from guilt, trying to punish yourself in some way for penance, maybe you would be willing to try and associate with new people more, or even with your friends, or even text more, rather than going on a self imposed exile to try and punish yourself. But no, you fucking cant even moderate that and are taking this shit to the extremes.

Hell. You cant even control your fucking mood now. Hell, monday Christine gave you advice, no insult, no trying to threaten your job, no anything, just telling you that you made a tiny mistake and to watch for it. And it ruined your mood, you made yourself feel like shit, and all that. God. And so you messed up this math test, you get another chance, and you can fucking fix it.

If you freaking try to figure stuff out. Dont do this "there is a problem, run away" and ignore it, letting it grow so you can have 5 minutes of happiness before ages of sadness. (hey asshole, seeing a fucking correlation yet?) Just confront it, try to fix it, accept it, grow up, move on.

Stop being a pussy, hell you have everyone here for you, but as usual you are falling back to that same habit you promised, swore, and said you could and would change. You are pushing them awayy, hoping someone will ask what is wrong and try and get help. But you know, even if they do, you are just gonna lie and push them away.

God. You are so pathetic. You swore all these things to fix yourself. So you would not still be guilty, so you would not have to be vainly wishing you could have a second chance you dont deserve, so you could be a fucking person you should have fucking been. And all you can do is let a few issues today ruin your mood more? So one fucking week was lousy.

But you know, even though this con had mostly good memories, you'll focus on the bad, then forget how the bad became one of the best things ever, and something you should have done way earlier. Instead you will twist the good, and instead of cherishing them as something you had, you will quell over them as something you lost, looking back with sadness instead of joy. God. How pathetic are you.

Heh. You could have so much, do so much, be so much, but you wont really try. God. How much of this con are you just gonna spend hiding in the card room? Oh wait, friends will be there so you will probably impose exile some random spot, sitting alone playing a game or something, until you have to return, then lie about everything so it seems like you where not moping and wasting time there. God.

You know. I honestly feel so sorry for you, instead of taking example from friends, or from examples you give friends, you are just there to be the general worse. And you could have honestly had great relationships that could have lasted, all of your last few. But no. You fucked them up and friendships.

And now, what is worse, you have fucked up yourself. You know. You may have repaired the friendship with laura, but i doubt you can fix what you have done now. Especially with yourself. I don't know how you plan to pick up the pieces, or if you deserve to

You know something annoying. I have been half way to breaking down so much, i really just want to cry, let it be a way to get rid of everything...but i cant even cry...

God dammit, why am i feeing worse and worse. Because i cant...no, i wont talk about it with other people...What is it? Why do i feel so depressed. >.< I cant even feel happy for others, put in the energy i use to, care about anything. Hell, the con is coming and i just dont even care...

And you know the best. How hypocritical i am. Telling others all this shit, yet i cant do anything. At all. I must be the worlds grandest liar, everything i say, some fancy, bullshit, random ass story. A lie.

God i hate myself.

hope...dammit dont lose sight of hope...come on, stop with this pity and self hatred fest...come on...you can break out of this...

I am such a coward adn selfish ass...Dad could have gotten promoted to georgia and a ton of money but i said i didn't want to, just to try and hold onto everything here, when i am losing it in a year or so anyways...

Then i realize...I want to try, want to escape, want to restart. Just because i cant handle anything and want to run away...

I hate myself