Sometimes I hate how stupid my brain is. God dammit. Why is it so hard to just truly not care.


Lush. Laura wants to bring booze to sugoi or Nyquists party and I had to make sure she doesn't do any of it while Emily's around. God forbid.

But why. I don't even like her...so why am I protecting. She led me on for months. She continually abused me and got mad at me, saying I was falling for Alex when I wasn't. All while she was falling for taylor. Yet if I suggested it jokingly it was horrible of me.

And I couldn't even get a hug or kiss unless I turned her on night before. And I told her I felt bad having to do that. But forgetting the fact that she made me do that for romance, I never tried for romance o ly list, and she was pure an innocent.

She emotionally abused me, lied, led me on and treated me like shit...

So why did I protect her or want to. Even in the most minute way...

Especially when she disgusts me so much often now. In her urge to get basic equality or go. Against other stuff she has become just as radical and close minded. I mean, I remember how little a persons religion or anything mattered to her, how happy, bright....loving she was and it was aabout who they were. None of the details mattered...

Oh well.

But why God damn. Why do I freeze up and hide and push everyone away when things get close.

I mean...Alex was only person I had after em to talk to. I cared so much. I still love her so much...but why can't I talk to her. Trust her. Why is it I feel one way but can't act on it. Its like a damn dream, except I can't act on it...I mean come on. Those few times I have we just went back like it was old times. But why can't I ever just message her to talk...or anything....and dammit I seriously wanted to visit....yet I don't try to do anything to forward this.

Im useless.

Then Laura...suddenly after I ask her out and I actually get a chance for it to happen, very likely chance....I suddenly have no feelings. I suddenly can't talk to her. I am scared.


Its even happening with Kasha...

God dammit. Am I really so scared of actually restoring bonds...of you know, being close to people again, that I keep away from them and I let myself become comfortable with being alone...

I guess I am living in a dream world. And in the end all Alex said is what I've known...if there is no action behind the feelings or thoughts, everything is empty words.


And I changed. I lost so much of what I was. I remember when if I thought someone was sad I would be relentless to try and find out and help. Now I don't fearing ill make it worse? I couldn't help? They would come to me if they really need it?


I've become the problem.

I disgust myself.