It's a bit odd, I feel like so many dynamics are changing, I'm just being so cool hardy and stubborn.

But I've been thinking of Em a bit recently, ever since her party (which went off great and god, I forgot how much I love making her smile, it's a great feeling making your best friend smile...or old one) when me and her talked. It was just so...serenely great, me and her had a nice decently long talk, mostly us two with Tay listening of "remember the time I did that?" "oh god yeah, remember when I did this?" and laughs. Like old times, simple, just good friends again. I miss that, a lot. Nothing changes how great that was, how it made me remember the good stuff I forced myself to forget, not even the romantic things, just all the jokes and laughs we've had over the years...

I guess no matter how I try, while I'm still here she will always mean something, be someone I want to reconcile with, someone I trust. And I'm not sure if that is as bad as I thought ya know, I mean it's not me vainly hoping for romance, god that is past. And I love her and Tay together, they are really great, hilariously fun too. But is it bad to still want to be friends with the one person I ever truly trusted?

I mean, I dunno, with her...god how hilariously weird is our story? She was scared by me, eventually we somehow became friends, then best, she had a funny crush on me, eventually I shared it, and we became everything...then nothing again.

And it's odd....even if I did everything wrong and in my mind have a dozen things I want to do over , it's the only relationship I really take serious of my three, and don't call an idiotic child's thought, something ignorant and unknown

And I guess this is just repeating the same tale I always tell, and Alex and random ghost reader , if even those two, are sick of me telling this one.

But I guess I'm always gonna be sorry. And ya know, I really do wanna just restart, and go again and have my friend back.

Stupid deluded wish, especially with how little I try to make it better. Then again I guess a party I planned is more than little... But oh we'll.

Cause in the end, I really need to restart everything. I'm stuck with the past, but everything, everyone, has changed. I mean look at me giving a damn, look at Laura being so full of emotions , look at everything. I gotta grow up and accept change.

And accept I'm not as close as I wish I was to some anymore. And most may just be out of reach, and stop letting past haunt me.

And I need to really accept Laura aint the person I want her to be and deluded myself into thinking she was, she ain't the one or the perfect comparison, and she ain't the model to compare to. It's a sitcom want of mine, and I gotta drop it. Face it, Emily was the best I ever had. And in the end you can't tell who will matter.

And I gotta move on. (repeat of same old story) , I don't know. I guess I still desperately need someone I could fall for.

I just gotta forget the concept of "the one"

God I've watched to much how I met your mother.

And I know you don't read, but sorry again.

And to all bothering to read, sorry bout rambley mess.


Oh and there was depression and grounding I shoulda talked bout, oh well