I...Don't know. REally odd, right now everything went in a turmoil state again.

Laura and Ben went...well exactly how I expected. CEpt i lost it all I think...but subconsciously i find myself wondering if i should try.

Then I had amazing weekend with Bunny, her friend Blaithe (who is amazing fun) and Shawn (Who I really love how we act like best friends since birth) and all that...

Except I find I cant push forward. All i think about is how I need to get past all this shit, but stuff keeps bringing me to the past.

And the worst part, I am having trouble cementing the fact that I shouldnt leave some of the past...but so much fades.

I mean, Ben...Alex, two of my closest friends, and i keep forgetting them, or schedules, time, and other shit makes our talking harder, adn then when we do talk it is awkward as fuck...and i dont want to forget them....lose them...

But right as i think "Finally, fuck the past, fuck my old set, lets move the fuck on" I find that I cant just go "Hey, we are hitting it off, lets have simple dates" and I still want something deeper. But i know I am not ready and none of the people here offer that, when I could have simple fun times...I mean for the love of christ, why is it so hard?

Then i think i am over friends i lost...and shit happens to confuse me again. Oh hey, finally got to teh point "Well, fuck it, Emily truly dont give a shit bout me." and find out she unblocked me. After blocking me. and i have no fucking idea why for either of those. At all.

And Clint just randomly always popping in when i am past him...

Fucking hell. And you know the worst of this shit? Alex, Kasha, all the others who i know are having issues, god, they have actual troubles and deserve to be upset. Me? I am leading a good life and just cant fucking forget the past and move the fuck on.

Probbaly because i am still exposed to it.

I really cant wait till college, i want out, i wanna move on, I want a change. God, When i went with Shawn...being somewhere new. Brilliant. I wanna meet people, explore, go everywhere. I want out of this same place. God damn i do. So. Badly.

But man, i dont know if i am happy, sad, whatnot.

But I had to post this.

And dmamit, i gotta stop keeping people away. These random trust issues, and random phases were i just dont try for anything kill me...

Hah, but lets face it. If I got over it maybe i would have to try and fix stuff with Emily.

Or with Rachel.

But that risks failing and being hurt again, cant have that can i...

Damn i am a wimp now.