Two or three times in a week Emily appreciates something I've done...all because of Maria....


Fuck Maria. She has no right to hurt people like this. Neither does Rachel. This is sick. They have no right to cause so much trouble...no right to remind me for the 18th time im not a soulless bastard, no right to make me have to remember I cared about that girl and she exists...

No right to out me in such a fucking shitty position. Im between them and Tay. Between ria and Laura. Between Emily and ria. And you know what is the worst? You'd think the fact that im able to help Emily in someway should satisfy some of my stupid penance ideals, or that im trying to help Taylor move in with me...or that in a roundabout way im getting thanks from Emily....

But honestly. I just feel empty from it. Appreciates. Yeah. Sure. It just seems like a common courtesy "thank you" which I can't even be told face to face...I can't even directly help without a fear somehow it will be on me....or offer my support....or just sympathy.

And the worst is how this still fucking gets to me. Really? I thought I got over this...thanks ria. Set up what looks like a small chance I didn't want while fucking everything to hell.

Why can't I not care...it would be so easy...

I want this drama to end