It is back, why can't it just stay away?

My self hatred, my inferiority, my self sabotage, my dark solemness, it is back, my demon of many traits is returning. Maybe that is because it is night, but oh i so love the night.It is when i am at the peak of my abilitys, i am calmed, i think so clearly, i can see my own feeling much better. I realize how much i love being alone, i hate how i have to deal with friends, i just wish i could have my night emotions at all times, because I think at night, and i relize that none of my friends do anything but lead to pain. It is retarded that i stay with them, Because every time it comes down to it, when we walk to go somewhere, i am always behind adn alone, in the halls, anywhere, they are in groups of two and three joking around, i am way back behind them all, alone. And the thing is, i am glad. I love the solidtude, it allows me to think oh so clearly. However, maybe that is why i hate the solitude, i don't want to think like this, i want to be with them, i want to be needed.
Not that it matters, i barely care for any of them. Jessica, I may be going out with her partially due to lust, partially due to the fact she is willing, and maybe because i like her more than other people i know. Yeh right, who am i kidding i probaly don't, the closest to having any real feelings towards any of them are probaly towards laura, i mean i just don't get angered by her or anything, but maybe that is because in the end, i know she sees the truer me, and that i realize, is the one thing in the world i try to hide.
After all of this though, i become scared, because I am scared i feel like that, i almost start to fear death, but i still want to leave behind this world, after all it is not like i feel anymore. Or anything goes right.
Ya know, i want to meet whoever came up with murphy's law, and smack him, just because he had to make something that so accuratly summed up my god damned fucking life. Yeh, nothing in my life is really any good to me. Clint, pshaw, he is the reason i feel so inferior and useless to everyone, hell they all care about him and express it, me, no one needs me or cares if i where to die. Laura, who gives, even if i do like her, it won't matter because i know she would never reciprocate my feelings. Maria, hell no, she could be something good, except she is a horrible hypocrit who whenever she tried to make me feel better would just get yelled at by me because she pushed it to much and brought back these feelings when they where gone, now she has grown to resent me for it, good, another person to hate me. Jessica, who knows, not like we will get anywhere or really go that far, i would dump her but i have no reason to hurt her, i will just wait untill she gets a brain and dumps me.
Also, i have another good ol' thing i was utterly sure about but still hate due to my nature to second guess and regret everything i do. That wonderful thing is aethiesm, since i can't go a damned day without being made fun of or bothered because of it. Woo boy.
Although i might feel better if i had someone i truly trusted, if i could actually open up to other people, instead of talking to you while nearly in tears from being alive and being so close to going and getting pills to kil myself with, all while hoping someone may read this, and something will change and life will be good. Except it won't, it never does, this is not some book, i stoppped reading because i stopped wanting a fantasy to escape reality with. It won't happen, why put my hopes up just to have them destroyed. I mean that is why i have my ego and hopes, i love to build them up when i know something will go wrong, and i know it is going to crumble down to lead me to feeling this wonderful melancholy again, i love trapping myself in this vicious cycle. And the beuatiful thing is, no one will save me, this i know, and i am glad. I don't need anyone, and they don't need me. It is simple as that.
Let everything i have ever planned go awry, let friends start to hate me, let my life turn to crap, let everyone mutiny against me in all that i try to lead(even if i hate being the head of anything, quite stupid.) let my life crumble. It just leads me closer until one day i feel so stupid that i kill myself and rid myself of this futile stipid life.
I am glad to be feeling with next to no feelings. I take everything to heart and get hurt so easily, however i don't show the inferiority complex i spawn from it, however it shows in my dwindle of interests; everyone says my handwriting sucks, i agree and try to act egotisical over something and i try to write with pens and pencil as little as possible; I become an alt at the writing competion, i barely write due to that, even though i know, i believe, i am a good writer; I think i do good and understand something in school, i fail horribly in sixth grade academics for my standards, i stop trying while still trying ot act egotisical; But who cares, surely none of the zero people reading this. Oh well, no one cares, not even I so i guess i shall sleep now, wooh fricken who, maybe if i am luckey i will pass away tonight, or keep my apathy towards life throught tommorow instead of letting hormones, lack of sleep, anger and other things infect me to become energetic and to have sunlight emotions.

Random rant, yeh i am bored.

Wow, it is so strange, how i am changing i mean. I have a girlfriend, jessica, which since there are probaly only about two ghost readers out there probaly already know that. I am actually acting more mature daily than immature, now i know i am mature naturally, but i let my immature fake side take over all the time because it is so much more fun than matureness. I really find it strange, I also have stopped inhaling candy and now am trying to barely eat it, meh who cares though. I just am changing, yet i can't tell why. It is not annoying me though,l as it normally would should i change like this, i am just, acepting it. Oh well, i shall end this now, since i must go and leave for lunch, which now that i remembered, iw ill add that I can now access my blog at school, huzzah for the new era of blog spamming and hatred towards all!

Just another dismal rant.

Lemme see, so today is my birthday.Not that i care much, it is just really another day. But the day progressed as normal, until we were leaving to go home that is. Whitney admitted to clint that she would go out with him or taylor, and she told me she would never go out with me, unless and i quote "i may be like super depressed sometime and settle for you." not that i honestly care.

Or do i? I keep saying my crush i (have/had) on whitney died, but is it. I can't tell, one of the many reasons i hate hormones and feelings, stupid things that influence my decisions in all the stupid ways. But either way it all came down to the simple, most common reason why i hate life.

I am always least liked, even if others don't know it.

Since i grew older it was always like that, people barely knew me, and they hated me, barely knew the other guy, loved him. It has always happened, even with teachers. It is so annoying. And what chance would i stand of being better liked when i hang out with people like clint and scott and taylor. Hell people rather go homo than like me more than others i bet. I mean it never matters the situation, but that is how it is, it can be ten people who love anime, one who dislikes it, and the one who dislikes it is more liked and listened to than i. I am so god damned sick of it.

I realize that everything i say here is because of what i belive to be my immense self doubt and inferiority complex. I mean it would make sense, since i regret everything i do almost, and the fact i belive i am so much worse than all.

All this has gotten me thinking, and explained one thing to me, i now know why i wish i could go back to the past so much, when i was best friends with like Raj, Laura Sooy, and my cousin. It is because then i was niave, and i was -amazingly- liked the most, but my life has gone downhill, and who gives a damn anymore, osmetimes i wish i could just dissapear.

i mean it is not like i have anything i truly care for, or i truly hold dear to me. I am not close enough to mu friends to have incredible feelings towards them, since i always try to keep a distance away from them emotionally. And i feel so little towards objects it doesen't matter that much. So i really do just wish i could dissapear, even if jsut for a while, or to truly liked.

fun new test!

Okay as many of you know, i am idiotic at time. Well today i was dared to poik laura's boob again, and amazingly , seh did not get as pissed when i did it with my finger, than when with a keychain. So me and micheal are going to record results of me poiking her evryday with my finger and my keychain, and record how pissed seh gets, this should be very fun. Oh yeh, if you never hear from me again, i am dead!

humans are strange, very mch so.

Why is it we humans are so wierd when it comes to relationships, we flirt from afar happily, but when it comes down to the matter, we beat around the bush. We all try to garner attention in different ways, some act like asses, some flat out act uductive, some act strange adn wierd. Why?

Why can't we be straightup with our feelings? why do some of us feel less, so much more? Why is it all so confusing, why can't the world tell us what is going on, why can't i know why i am here? Tell some one , god damnit, i beesech you all for a answer, i am tired living in an illusion, played by all when creating life, or by whatever great diety controls us all, just tell me, for i swear i won't play this putrid game anylonger, i will break the rules of life, i shall get away from it, and i shall win!

my thoughts (prepare for a LOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG ramble)

Okay today was interesting. We started a unit on Anne Frank. I knew this was coming, so it was no surprise, but i found myself happy and getting very emotional over all of it, but i will talk about that later, right now to first big point.

Well as we were starting, we were looking at an overview and were asked what dignity was. So we went on about it. Then the student teacher told us about " inter something" value. She said it was that we humans had value for being us. Unlike material possessions like diamonds, which had value because we gave them value. So then Nathan Davis -the class clown, who tries to ask random questions a lot, just for laughs. Or attention, because some are good points- asked " Do animals have the inter whachamajigger word?", I had already been thinking this. But the teacher told us no. They could not think, that they were not as advanced. Neither Nathan nor i agreed with this. After class we argued More with her. We pointed out They cared for young, they could build systems of social status and hierarchy. She then told us " But do they do that because of a conscience(Sp?), or instinct?", and, "can they think, and realize they are thinking, like we can".

I was appalled by this, she was saying that they were stupid,ignorant, creatures in a way. I mean, a lion, it could kill many upon many of its prey, but in the end doesn't it kill only a few? Just because it has to, so it can survive? We humans do that, heck we kill just for sport, but no one minds,at all because " Its for sport.". Yet if we have domesticated animals -instead of others like undomesticated birds,deer, etc.- like dogs fight, or we kill them, it is considered "inhumane". We can kill animals like cows, for their skin, and pigs, so we can make footballs and prada purses, and other items. And get their meat to eat as an extra. We humans are so greedy and selfish, and obsessed with material possessions, that we get the stuff that is okay to take, because it helps us to survive. I realize much of what animals do is instinct, but isn't instinct part of much of our lifestyle? In the more primal activities of it. doesn't instinct come in in football, or sports like that. Or even during desperate times, like life threatening. Also when we are in trouble. We humans are prone to using instinct just as much. But are we to say that the creation of a situational hierarchy within a pack of wolves, were one is the leader, is instinct? that would be to say how all leaders come into power in our world is instinct! I refuse to agree with that.

And to say that an animal cannot think, and realize it. I wish to know, how can we know? we cannot read their minds. We say that when a dog sits and stares at the moon, it is thinking, but it can't know it is. How do we know its thoughts aren't much like ours? Wondering whether or not in space their are other creature's as it stares into the sky, wondering if we will meet them, and if they will be kind or not, will they be dog like, or human like?Then suddenly thinking to itself "Why am i thinking about this?", Much like we humans do from time to time. We can say that those who are mentally retarded, and is lesser in intelligence than a monkey -who shares similar characteristics with humans, and differs by only 3% D.N.A- can think and realize it, yet the monkey cannot. The whole idea is purely hypocritical.

Also if these idea's were to be true, then would that say that when we were under Britain's rule, we had no value. That slaves in those times had no value? But that would be contradicting her statement since she says all humans have value for who they are. But how she says animals have no value, is to say in the time when people were slaves, they had no value either.

Another student who was agreeing with the teacher mentioned that the animal's cannot communicate like us. This was the most absurd comment i had heard. dogs communicate with dogs, cats are known to have different meanings for different meows. Heck, some species of animals are able to fully communicate with other species and -peacefully- interact. That is more than can be said for humans. We do not communicate with other species, we merely teach them, like for dog "Raised hand means sit", nor can we even communicate peacefully with other humans. So animals are defiantly on par with us there.

All of this was rushing through my head as i walked home. I was staring towards the ground, thinking and thinking about this. Until i spotted a beetle, a minuscule stupid, tiny brained beetle, or is it. Scientists say that the sizes of a humans rain does not affect their knowledge, so why cant this apply to other animals? They say that because a insects brain is tiny, it is stupid. Yet ants run when they see us attacking them, they fix their anthills when damaged, and build complex societies. Who is to say that the small insects we kill daily, couldn't be on a thinking level on par to our own?

Are scientist's and humans so hypocritical that that say one thing about humans, and state that it also applies to other animals, but only when it makes us seem better. Although if it comes to something like brain sizes not affecting intelligence for humans -even though by what they say it should apply ot all animals- it doesn't apply to insects. But if what they say about insects small brains making them dumb, shouldn't elephants, and whale be some of the smartest creatures we ever saw.

Also we humans are known to only ever use ten percent of our brains in a lifetime. Maybe other animals use more of their brains, and it puts them on par with us. I believe we are not better than other animals because our adaptations have given us a edge against them. Because we think on different levels(or so e think). But i believe because we are so arrogant, so violent, so hypocritical, that we are worse. When it boils down to it, is it goat burps, or humans and technology causing more damage to our ozone layer. And if you believe it is the goat, you are so completely hypocritical and arrogant, i wish you never to read my blog again.

It is amazing how much this event is affecting me. Most historical event i take no heed, no care of. Yet the holocaust, it is different. Why? Why is that when i think about what Adolph Hitler did, all the millions that died, i get angry unlike i ever had? Why is it that when i think about Adolph, i hate him for what he did, but i can see that he was in no Way a bad leader, no to do what he did, he was a brilliant leader! Is it because when i first started to learn about it last year, i was very emotionally unstable, about to commit suicide, even trying with pills a few times? Or maybe Anne Frank. Yes she is probably one of the bigger reasons.

I believe i resemble her, in many ways. She had it all before, nothing was missing, yet she says she felt empty at times. She was self critical, she was able to think much more deeply than most thirteen year olds do. I think i will find the two or three entries that hit me, yes i will find it soon, and put it on.

It is strange though, nothing has ever really hit me this much, inspired such emotions of hatred, anger, sadness, happiness in me. I wish to learn More and more, i plan on renting books, i believe i will read all of Anne's dairy. For that is all i can do to learn about her. I almost wish she existed now - in our day and time- because i believe, the two of us would be able to get close.

Although, maybe in all of this, i am just over thinking things, proving points laid by my teacher and peer. Could they have an argument to back this up? Maybe , but i firmly believe what i say. and i shall defiantly learn all i can about the holocaust. So expect many more entries pertaining to these subjects.

Skirts, Life, Grounding, And other things i feel like ramblin bout right now.

Okay lets see. What to ramble bout, theres quite a bit. So lets go with recap first.

Okay on thurday last week i got a kagome outfit, and it feels great. Friday was a horrid day, i woke up feeling great, but all in all everything slowly went wrong, i just felt horrible most of the day. Then after golden quill me adn laura were waiting for y grandma. But she was taking forever. In a horrid moment of idiocy i thought she forgot me, and then i decided to walk to laura's and call mom. Well me adn laura walked to her house. Which was entertaining. But then when i called my mom was P-I-S-S-E-D, PISSED, she took away golden quill, grounded me from everything, said no trick or treating with friends, adn no cons this year.

Bitch.

So saturday i worked a lot, adn tehn watched anime all night, not to bad, sunday,meh, nothing happened. Todya was average.

Now hmm what to talk about what to talk about. I know , skirts.

Ah yes, as most know, i am a perv, and i am easily amused. well after getting my kagome outfit, i tried it on, and fell in love with the skirt. It makes me wonder, why dont girls wear skirts more often? I mean they are comfortable, cute, and fun to were, so why dont they?

Lets see now onto whitney holding my headband ransom.

Okay as you know, i went to kings Island with whitney which kicked ass. I lent whitney my leaf akatsuki headband, since she loves it. But then i still haven't got it back, adn now emily has it. She is also holding it for ransom.

Damn.

Oh well, i will get it back eventually.

There is so much more to talk about, but i am feelig lethargic, so i will wait for a while, and add more tommorow. Hopefully.