continuing were i left off.

Okay i had to cut last short cause something came up. But yeh, i look at and do tht stuff, just to feel more mature, more suave,a dn to feel better abotu myself, adn fit in a bit, i mean i try not to sucuumb to peer pressure. but most of my male friends do that stuff. Male friends originally got me into that stuff. It just happened. I love it when i am doing it. I mean it all feels great, like i am on top of the world. But afterwords, i think about it, and i hate myself for it.

Though there are times i am tttruly completly soundly happy. I went to kings island with a younger friend, Whitney(who i have a minor crush on-yes i said it laura>.<- oh yeh and our other friend emily was there also). We messed around and went on rides. I played around. doing the sexy girl walk. Then we later met with our third friend jessica, completing the three girls and gay guy for a day(yes i was pretty much gay for a day there) trio. We went all around. And i did the "call me" Symbol all the time. It was just perfect. Then we later go into costumes, messed around. We played in smoke machines, were our cloaks absorbed smoke and then let it fly. I was just truly happy and content. I felt perfect the whole time. We met another cosplayer shanon and her siblings there. She was being "L" and wearing an akatski cloak, like whitney adn jessica were. We all hung out and had fun. I randomly asked people for autographs,marrige. I also pointed to them, doing call me, and pointing to them, then me, then holding arms straight for teh universal symbol for , umm you know whating. It was so fun. I Managed to get hugs from teh three girls, virtually anytime i wanted, and they never would have done that before, i dressed as a blond toushiro. I Just love being at Kings island. It brings good things out in people, even fights are fun adn have a nice ring to them. All i can ever do in Kings island is rekindle hope in life, and love for myself. But i do realize something is different about me.

Beside doing mroe perverted things. In my age, i am aquiring new feelings and thoughts. I use to only think sarcasticly and perversly in my head. But now i think i am actually falling for people like whitney, and not just the fake, "i want to be in love and feel more like a real person", kind of falling for i have had for a few years, but the kind, were i think about them, i can almost seeing being with them,holding them, everything kind adn beuatiful with a realationship like that, not the usual " i just want to get laid due to hormones" kind of thoughts i usually do. But whenever i meet some one, some one so much like me- "my perfect someone"- i am saddened, cause they end up with some one else, or like some one else; They are always, "some one else's perfect someone". I hope to god, that one day soon, i will find that perfect some one. Maybe just maybe they will help me to get out of this self destructive abyss i am in, and lessen it, for it use to only be with friendships and things like that, but it is spreading, school work,hobbies, interests, all of that i am self destructing on. I hope that my perfect some one, or hell even just a special other, will help me see the true light and change.

Even with out other,well actually because of others. I am starting to change though. I am becoming a better person. A bit kinder. Less violent. More creative. Calmer. Everything. I believe, honestly for the first time in a few years, i can change, no. I will change.