Dammit. So that is why it really hurts. Heh, hope, god, the hope of what i know i cant have. Therein lies one of my core issues. I really am J.D., exactly. I want her because i cant have her, and because i never forgot her. You know, why do i not remember how i felt, except for then. It was hellish, as usual due to me, on eight levels. Yet nostalgia clouds it...And the present too.

You know, it i salso because i rush too much. I know full well that i need to slow down and be patient. Yet i rush everything, wanting lust, adreniline, to fulfill some stupid hope or story i make in head. I should have waited in asking laura out, but wanted to make it seem like a movie, or not pass up something i thought would be a good moment. Same with Emily, i still had some feelings and pain from laura, that was wrong of me. Even if i did like her a ton. And when i told them i loved them...I was not fully convinced (pathetic, right? 2+ years and 8+ months and i couldnt be sure)I mean, it felt so right soon after...but still. I know i rushed it. And i felt almost pressured by life itself to have to say it, ya know? I should have been 100% sure, not just 99%.

That is one of the problems, i rush, and when i want what i cant have...what happens when i get it....usually i dont want it.

God, this should be fine, i feel great, life seems great...but i am not talking to anyone. No one to me. I cant hold conversations, or anything. I cant keep anything with anyone. I am become unneeded, no one needs me for help, I cant tell who i can go to for help. Hell, the biggest helps i need i burned the bridges to. And worst, i am realizing i am falling for that person...

I brned that bridge for Alex...

God dammit. I hate not being able to ask Emily, she could tell me exactly what to do in this situation.

I am trying to keep hope, but it can be painful...Hell, i barely can keep interest in things. Even rootbeer and yugioh adn pizza.

Wow, sad, that is my life...

Dammit dammit dammit.

That one damn scrubs line keeps repeating in head, "It should have been me" what if i am sitting back as the perfect person passes by, but dammit. I have already lost. Rigth back where i was...a few years back. Before i fucked everything up.

FEels so much shorter. I am so full of shit.

Yet here, here is how i feel, and it is contradictory beyond measure.

Cant even talk to kasha and ben. Ruined everything with emily. Same with alex. Bren...we are distant. Heh, fun irony there, his friendship with alex repaired better than his with me.

But here are more contradictions. I hate the idea of dating, I hate the concept, hating being anyones anything. Yet I want to date...especially her. I hate public affection, yet i want to be one who does it and a part of it. I hate lust and am controlled by it. I feel obligated to treat people differently because they are best friends, Gf, etc etc. Yet i want to not do that. I want an overly showy, almost creepy touchy feely relationship. Yet i want it to be like we are just best of friends and not even dating, kinda like clint and laura.

What the hell is it i want. Hell. That is the tru eissue. With hess, laura, and emily i never found a balance or what i wanted fully. I became what i thought they wanted, and then became a monster.

I just dont know.

Now i have to deal with sins i can never repent.

A pathetic yearning for all i cant have.

A need of friends i dont deserve and can never get back.

A love i will never have.

And you know, the worst. Even if i could have these all back, I dont know if i could handle it, if only because i would hate myself so much still...because i still do.

God...God dammit. I want to be needed...

I want to be trusted...

I want to be him...

No. I want to be a better person. Why cant i do that...Why am i so horrible.

Want want want. I am so fucking selfish. God. All my friends have all this going for them. But ya know, i am such a bastard i cant just be happy, but have to think, "Man, why did they never ask me, or talk to me..." and see all the stuff going on between everyone else...

I am so selfish, i hate that i cant do anything.