Hrm, i been feeling bit crappy recently.

Bah, i have been left alone, no one is respondin to anything, so i am bored. But i have been feeling really alone recently. Like i don't have the one group i really belong and fit in. I mean, within all our friends there are obvious sects, and i just don't fit there perfectly. I am that "good friend" "everyones friend" person. Not the best friend. The great friend. The one to tell all the stories to and to always invite.

My grade, i have only really huge connections with tay and miguel. Miguel and social life don't mix. So that dies. And taylor is too busy with band, and i never see him, so we barely talk and hang out. Same with ben.

And even if Jess, Whit, and Em, and such all accept me, it is still different, they have the past, the memories, and they are always together. I have to casually slip the idea of inviting me, or of me bothering if i want to do something. And it is their grade as the sect. And Maria, laura, and Rachel have their little group...its just, really sad at times. I mean, i use to have aim. Then there was me and bren, and even louie and phil as gamers, adn jokers, and we where all around during PMD, and we could relate. Or i use to have clint and scott, with all the jokes and such, or even gaia with my friends there. But now...I got some stuff here and there, and am really close to people, but in short random bursts. But not as often as i wish. No longer do i have those friends that i am known for talking to every class, but i am struggling to just get some attention with some smaller friends like Kim or Sarah Van oss(God, i love her name so much...), or Christy. And just wanting to feel as if i belong.

And from this i start over doing things. I engross myself in things time to time, letting obsession or books rule my life. Or i overextend, trying to associate with people, acting too romantic, or too friendly, or too annoying. And i piss people off. And from that i feel worse. Causing me to go back to doing whatever it was in a dreadful cycle.

And then i try to change, try to stop, but i make myself worse in the end, or hate myself for going against everything i base myself on, just to be accepted. And hate what i am.

God. I miss bren. I miss Scott. I miss clint.

I talked to scott about an hour only, but it felt so accepted, so right. Same with my cousin kelsey. There was no forcedness. I was not trying to overexert to feel accepted. It is natural, i miss that.

Bah, sometimes i just wish i knew where i belonged. I wish i knew exactly what everyone felt bout me and where i stand.

And man, I really despise posting this. Because i bet someone will be hurt. Or comment on how they care, then i will feel crappy for making them guilty, or i will feel like an idiot for overthinking things and causing this. Hell. The whole reason i am posting this is a selfish pleasure.

Though that is a bit of a lie, there is the part of me that likes people reading, that gives me a small glee. Bah, stupid confusing self. Man. I don't know where i stand. I don't know my morals. I don't really know what i truly like or care for. I am not sure which friends are really my friends. Don't know my opinions. I don't know where i want to go for the future...

God. I don't know anything. I am so damn lost in this life...Bah.

Live life to its fullest. Live with no regrets. Go with the flow. My philosophy has not changed. And it has worked so far. I will continue like that...