Temp spot to think

Man, itll be awkward if this is found. But man. I just...Stargazing, even if a bit cold out here. It is cleansing. Really utterly cleansing. Lets me think a little better.

Lets me figure out what I would say...what I want to say.





Okay, I know we arent, or at least havent been on good terms, and I don't know if I think we can ever be. Let alone if I deserve to be. But...Well, I was gonna wait a bit until I thought things were going better. But it seemed Reddit turned against me.

I have so little idea how to say this, because really, I have so little idea exactly what I want to say. It is insanely difficult, and I dont wanna mess this up.

But I have to do something, say something, right? I cant just be the same coward I have been, I am going into a new section of life. And I have to change, I use to be gung-ho for it, and I honestly want to believe I have changed, but one thing I lost is my ability to do what I need to. I never had second thoughts about saying things, but now I have become passive, fearful, overly cautious, thinking time will make it better.

But it wont. I have to take action.

And you know, honestly, it terrifies me to do that. Because this is not some stupid little thing, this is not some random vice, some activity i will regret for ten minutes and be fine, some little thrill, some purchase.

This is a friendship. Or whatever is left of one. And I suppose, deeper, for me, this is everything I have been hiding from, and every personal issue I tried to pretend does not exist.

The fact is, in these two plus years, through all my feelings about you, no matter what I thought, no matter what I wanted, no matter what I said, it has been consistent to one simple thing: I never have quit viewing you as a friend.

I know, this is silly, pathetic, and probably a bit desperate sounding. But through the years I have been trying to change myself so hard, I have been trying to get a grip, and I've lost so much of the stupid urges I have had. And the one thing that has been increasing is how much I have valued emotional attachment, and in the end I have had the same regret. Hurting you, and never truly apologizing to you.

I know I have apologized before, but how pathetic were all of them, desperate apologies in bad times , were I wanted to feel. I wanted a fairytale ending, that was horrible of me.

But I want you to know, during these years I have regretted how I acted in so many ways. And I have truly been trying to change, I really truly have. I have been trying to control that stupid lust, and I have been trying so hard to stop caring so much just about me. I've been trying to work harder at being a better person.

I guess in the end, the deranged hopes in my mind was that at the very least, even though I don't think i deserve another chance, I could maybe be someone who earned some respect.

Or even more...someone who I could respect.

And I guess that is one of the core issues that has led to my hesistancy. You scare me utterly and completely. Because you still matter to me, I still view you as a good friend, and old habit die hard, cause your opinion still matters to me (I know, you'd think I could stop caring after two years, but I never was good at giving up friends...) and that is terrifying. Especially because I still think of all the pain I have caused you, and I feel so horrible. I feel like a monster again.

And I just always want to apologize, but I never can come up with words to sufficently express how I feel, hell, even this seems pathetic to me. I dont know how to say I am sorry in a way that is not just pathetic words-in-the-wind. And I want to do this in person, but I honestly dont think i could without freaking out, becoming incoherent, or letting the emotions that have confused me for so long come out.

I mean, I was realitively sure I knew who I trusted, what I liked, what I wanted. But then at my grad party you showed up...And honestly, I couldn't have been happier. And then us hanging out at more parties, and everything just flowing smoothely, our talks, our bitching, gossiping , joking...It felt like old times. I loved every minute of it.

But I have been so scared by it. Because it gave me a small glimmer of hope. That maybe, maybe I am reedeeming myself in some way, you know? Maybe there is a chance, especially with how we can back to acting like great friends again.

Yet I stil constantly am confused, because I remember to myself every time "I hate you, and no, there is nothing you can do to make things right" and I want to tell myself that it has been over two years. We have both changed, we are in many ways whole new people, almost strangers. Yet I keep having that doubt "Maybe I havent changed, maybe I am still that terrible creature. that monster. "

And it overpowers me. Every time I want to say something, yet I cant. I just cant bring myself to say anything.

But I need to, dammit I need to. I even have Shawn and Ben both telling me I need to...

Except if I say something, it is no longer just a small dream, a hope,a lie I can live with. It becomes real. Make or break. And I dont know if I can handle that. Handle knowing that possibly everything I think is right, maybe I am a monster .

Or...Maybe somehow, maybe somehow we can try again, even if never as strong as before. That is terrifying too. Because then...Then I have no idea how to go from there. and I have no idea what to say or do. And what do you do when that stupid and vain hope you dreamt because it could never be...what do you do when that dream-that-cannot-happen happens?

Especially since every other time I have tried to rekindle, it never really happens. Sure, Clint, Scott, Corey, Bren, and a few others I talk to occasionally. But they are barely there.

And I will be at college soon, I could lie, pretend, hide away adn try to restart life away from people with new friends.

But I dont want that.

I want to say this, i want to apologize. Because dammit i cant be like rachel and never apologize, I need to admit how horrible I was.

I need to believe I really have been trying to change.

I need to convince myself somehow I have changed.

I need to tell you how utterly sorry I am for everything I did, all the abuse, the stupid cruel words because I was afraid of getting close to you, the stupid lust, the everything.

I need to thank you, thank you for being so straight with me over the years. For kicking my ass when it needed kicked. For making me realize full well how big an ass I was. For giving me so many chances I never deserved. For that time when I was depressed and you reminded me of my 'carpe diem' philosophy. And most of all...For being an amazing friend, even when I was a horrible one, and even worse of a boyfriend.

I just need to say this, yet I can only write it in this. And I am not trying to get another chance, or even try to become friends again. Because I know I dont deserve it. And I know this became too much of a self-pity excuse filled letter. But I just...I want to thank you, and to apologize. Because even if it does nothing, and this is ignored. At least I can know for myself...Know I did do it. To prove to myself, in some way I changed.

And to know I gave you what you deserved, rather than me being just another coward.