Timing.

Oh look. I am back here. Again. I guess I always end up right back here. Every time to the start.



It is my weak clutch.



I just have not felt good since here. Shit fell back down in due time.



Emily...Fuck she found my reddit post. Dammit. I shoulda known it would happen. Why did I still post there thinking it safe? Why am I posting here thinking it is mine adn safe.



It was just bad timing. Timing. I was gonna do it on my own time, let her know when it was the right time. Now everything is out there before I wanted...I couldnt even go adn say what I wanted to in person. Right there at bens. I am such a fucking coward.



And then, more fun awkward timing. I fell for someone else. And this time it seems almost real. Why cant I fall for someone who is not a bad idea? Why cant i fall for someone in this state. Dammit, here I am falling for sam and sarah and other girls. What is my problem...



And why am I caring? So much. I just...I am fine being single, yet here I am wanting to try with someone.



Dammit. I finally got to a point I dont just want sex, I want something that means something. I want a chance. I want to restart. I want another chance...



Yet here I am. I feel pathetic. Scared. I...still feel like the same horrible monster i have felt like for years. A useless creature. I dont deserve affection or a chance. I am a monster.



I am so scared.



And I want to talk to someone, but I...just dont know. I cant bring myself to do it. I am so terrified. And it feels so silly. And if I speak about this...god it can mess up shit.



Why am I falling for people I shouldnt. Why cant i forget lost friendships and let them go.



Dammit. I have no hope, and I feel so useless and horrible. And I have been so sad, and just upset recently and I cant get over it.



And I am here. How did I end up back here.



Dammit...



I just dont have good timing.