Bah, okay. I messed up big, i lied, couldn't face the facts and admit the truth, so now i have to. I don't honestly care about the mafia. It is barely influencing my opinion on reborn, its jsut a tiny thing with it (mostly just cause it reminds me of when there where naruto fans imitating clans, and bleach with the gottei 13 >.< Ugh i hate fans at times), don't care that you have it or what you do with it, don't want it, none of that. The whole fact of the matter is what i said really was not about it, but about me. So here is sob story time.
Though first i will admit, there are two things that did annoy me a lot about the mafia. The first is that multiple people got on my case about wearing my rings. You guys that did may have been kidding, but it was just a good bit wrong, you guys say it really is nto about reborn, fine, but just as it is not reborn the rings are not you. They are reborn, and seeing as how i plan to cosplay someone from there (plan meaning "want to but won't happen", I.E. Train, Neku, Goomba, Tonberry). And i use to always wear them before i, well, lost them...then found them...then lost them again (This totally is not a trend. You see no reoccuring theme D:<), but yeh, leave me to my fanboy fun i leave you to the mafia fun. The other thing is simpler. Leave me out of it por favor. Cause you all keep tellin me vague things bout the story, notes, and all sorts of stuff and if i ask about more tell me that i can't know cause i are not mafia xD You probably don't realize it, hell i have done that kind of stuff too, but if you can't tell i dun need to know ya?
Oh. And about things ruining reborn i am now adding "Alex and her super yaoi masturbation incest" to the list D:< IT IS JUST WRONG WOMAN.
Sob story time, in rambling incoherent badly ordered form!
Lets start with how i cope with things. Due to my past i have been alone and hurt a lot, most friends left me in some way every year. I became hurt and reclusive a lot, and through it i learned to lie. Not to others only, but to myself, where i could believe my lies so completly. I learned that breathing, meditation, control, i could use it to block pain and memories. But physical pain never affected me much, i just dulled it and blocked it (not that i don't complain about it). I did and do the same with memories, i have blocked off panful events to the point i forget about them unless reminded.
That is what happened. With the mafia i became paranoid, though that "me adn the mafia" and "i want to hang with the mafia" where signs that i was going through the same things that i had before everytime i lost people. I was thinking sarcastic and stupid things i knew where wrong, nad i knew i was being an idiot. I was going to ignore it, pretend to be fine, go home and drown it away with breathing and with FF. Except alex texted, and then i broke. So i lied to her, to myself, told a load of bull because i did not want to face the truth. I forgot something though, alex is a good friend. And she wanted to blog, to knock sense in them, to try and fix the issues i talked about, to defend me. I tried to stop her, because i knew that it was not true -even if i tried to convince myself it was- and i tried to avoid everything. But emnily Got mad, and alex did too. And i tried to convince each to not be mad at the other, trying to keep my ruse. But it failed.
Here is the truth. You guys are the first friends i have kept, that i truly cared for, that i can even say i love. Hell 4 years ago i thought it was a fairytale, a myth, i thought like Summer did. And the thought of losing you guys kills me, because i dont want to admit it causes me pain, that i need other, i am not invincible, that i feel, that i can get scared. And losing Bren recently has only made those fears worse. The kicker? Even if i try to act happy, try to say my past was not bad and did not effect me...it did.
Since you guys tell me everything i might as well return the favor. I lost every friend in my childhood in some way, clint, Laura sooy, scott, andrew, Raj, Cory, and others. I became reclusive from that. I hid my past, and i pertend that i do not distance myself even though i do.Then with everything clint did to me, well that messed me up to think sexual acts where nothing, to ruin my seperation of romance nad sex, and all that fun stuff. I locked that up, but even those ideas and memories resurfacing would not have done it. But i remembered someone. And it killed.
Only Emily, maybe maria, and my family know this. As a kid i always hung out at Mums salon, waitin for her to finish so we could go home. Eventually a man named Ron started workin there. Later my aunt was sick (she is pro haircutter, literally xD) and he ended up cutting my hair (And not my ear LIKE EVERY FREAKING HAIR PERSON DOES >.< Seriously They always cut my ear), i was playin Mario on Gameboy advanced, he commented on it, and said he had it too. Showed me it, even showed me a few tricks. Over time i fell in love with him (not romantically pervs. This is a sad story, get head out of gutter) and he became my idol. I have had that habit where i always needed someone or something to look up to, he became my biggest. He was nice, treated me like a person and a friend, not just a kid or coworkers child. Even after he left the salon for his own I still went to get haircuts from him. He was one of my best friends.
Then at 28, perfect health, he had a heart attack and died.
In the last 7-9 years there have been two times only i have cried and let my parents hold me and comfort me. When he died and when my dog shaggy died. The event, i blocked it and all memories of him for years, remembered it a few weeks ago and tried blocking it again. And yesterday...when it resurfaced, if i did not do something i was gonna off myself.
Thats the story, i am sorry it happened. It is what it is. Alex, don't martyr yourself over something that is my fault and should not have happened. And to everyone sorry i have not been as trusting to you all as i should have. I love you guys like nothing else (well, okay, Doggies are a smidgeon above you all. But look at chewy, he is adorable!) and you guys mean everything to me. But there. I admitted stuff i rather not have. I am givin you all the full truth.
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