What am I doing...

Am i searching for self pity...reaffirmation...self hatred...forced penance...

Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell dont...

But dammit why cant i stay consistent...

One day I hate eeverything...then i become so pathetically clingy that I need people...other days i have more confidence than ever...then none whatsoever...

God. I wish i left this private...

God damn. How is it whenever left alone i get like this. Talk to people ten minutes i feel better...

I just dont get anything anymore. I am just not satisfied with anything. And obviously trying to remain optimistic and when getting pessimistic post it here in a hope of regaining optimism wont work...

I just dont know how i feel now. Or ever.

And what is worse...I dont remember how i felt any other time before. I dont remember how i felt that first time I told Laura i loved her. How i felt the days where I was feeling crappy and the cousins cheered me up. How i felt at sugoi hanging with Alex. How i felt Doing good on anything. How i felt after being dumped. I cant even remember how i felt or what i did yesterday...

God I need to work this out...

Take a break maybe...That is the one piece of advice everyone has told me on other stuff, im trying too hard, need to take a break, calm down, etc...

I always said i gotta try, or i am running away. Maybe i need to run...

I just dont know. But to everyone...I guess i deserve hate...anger, all that. But to all who have threatened to stop reading my blog, that part i dont care one flying fuck about. Even in my surest times. This is for me, why I havent privated it is still a mystery. But I use it for me, not you guys.

Heh. But alex, What the hell happened to me...Aint that the million dollar question.

It looks like ive just gone back to good ol' "things looking up, you cant be happy, self sabotague time" >.<

WTB reset button. 100 gold.