You know... That really is sad of me. Who am I? Why is that so hard for me? How would I introduce myself to someone... I know my interests, all that random stuff bout personality,... But really I don't know how to describe myself. Lazy and happy? But when I work I work hard, specially at job or things of my choice. I can't describe self as happy or sad, I dot think any of y random interests would be anything of any importance, and I don't know what I wanna do for life...

Who am I?

But one thing is growing clear, my Meds dull my emotions and make me easily angered, or zen calm. Lack of eating is part of it too.

But pretty funny. You say you just wanna enjoy life while you can? How long have you hadthat paper wig your cell number for Ben Nyquist since you and him started getting along great? That text you wanna send? All that stuff.

Face it. Your surviving. Not living.

Heh, funny, years ago you know she could have moved and severed bonds, without too much pain, and even that she wanted to. While you where scared of something like that happening. Now you can tell that she seems to fear that and would be hurt if that happened. Yet you honestly want to move, or restart. And severe bonds? Seems more and more like I've been doin that eh?

Guess part of it is I still can't go to people about it, hold it in, and I cope with very issue by a joke and not releasing how I feel (creeping like JD there) in any way. Which right now is odd. You seem to have Emily available to help you again, Alex would be there in the end almost always, Ben, kasha, whit, Laura, clint, Tay, so many...yet you wont surge forward. It's not even fear, or disdain for them all. I mean when things start or you have a reason to start a convo you ease into it...

But it is like you can't find the point to start, or the will...more than that you feel invasive, like they don't want you to talk to them, like you don't belong. There is some undertandability on that with Emily due to how rough it has been, but Alex, Ben, Laura , Shawn, he'll kasha?

Where does that make sense?

Guess you should eat and sleep on it. So try that me. Maybe it will work.

And even if you dont want to be the kind of person who shoves their burdens on others, getting help is not wrong...

I guess thinking about it, through all of it, what describes you throughly, is pride. Pride that adheres you to your own standard, that you fear losing or hurting, that leads to stubbornness...pride that makes it so you try to take on the world alone.